My interpretation is that he obviously liked it, but he actually gives a fuck about you and is just saying you're a hottie as is. So, just say, “i know you like me for me, but sexy time is a bit more sexier when i feel sexy. So, unless it disgusts you, i like dressing up and feeling it.” I don't see why there'd be an issue, especially since it went over pretty well by the way you describe your night!
That's where counseling comes in. He needs to determine whether this was a one-time (VERY serious) lapse of judgment that has eaten her alive with guilt every moment since, or whether it's a pattern of deceitful behavior. Given she didn't ever have to tell him, it's possible that this is the worst thing she's ever done in her life and she would never do anything like this again because she felt so guilty.
I think it also matters how it was done. Did she go through his condoms and systematically poke holes in them? Or did she stop taking her birth control without telling him explicitly? They are both wrong obviously, but they are two different levels of scheming.
Overall, they need to have a LOT more discussions about this so he can understand her thought process and how she feels about all this now.
Thank u so much! This has honestly been one of the more confusing situations I've ever been in, and u are definitely the first person to offer any advice that actually makes sense
Who cares this is over its a moot point you dont even have to give her a reason for leaving just get a exit strategy together and drop it on her when your ready
omg my hard sexy girlfriend loves being in her skin and is confident to wear scandalous clothes she must be doing it for other men and not ME, her partner that she chose to be with out of every other man on the planet /s
After reading some of your comments about how he talks about women behind their backs, my guess is that he talks badly about you to her, and doesn't want you showing that you're a good or thoughtful person.
He's trying to make it about you getting a gift back, which she may not if you don't have a close relationship with her, but you've been clear that you don't care. I'd probably give it to her anyway. Your boyfriend is being really weird.
Traditional Christmas in America can mean different things for different families, but typically everyone gets gifts from everyone. Some families do Secret Santa or other sorts of things (saves money, more fun, etc) but in general you wouldn't specifically leave out his sibling.
2 things. One- We do not have healthcare for all in the states, so his taxes would never go to that. Two- get rid of him and move to Minnesota. It is like Canada. But in the states.
He should have thought about how alone he will feel before he cheated. Idk why you’re so invested in his feelings when he clearly had no problem consistently disregarding yours. Kick him to the curb and tell him to go hang out with the girls he’s been sexting.
I think you are missing the point. Also I didn't bring that up to him by the way lol, just something I pointed out here. And I didn't save him just cause I care about him, I'd save just about anybody.
Also you don't know anything about me or who I am as a friend. I put a lot of care into my friendships. Just because I didn't directly tell one person I got engaged right away does not make me a bad friend.
I completely agree! You are being handed a gift here! Take it and run! You toxic verbally abusive bf is jealous you found a apartment and wants to break up over it. He is probably playing games and wants you to ask him to move in, call his bluff and leave before his abuse gets physical. The best thing about the whole thing he doesn't have your address! So he can't find you!
you’re not going to get good advice on how to handle a situation that is fundamentally impossible to bend to the satisfaction of all parties because some of the parties are doing unreasonable things on a whim
What will it take for you to end this relationship? He does not love you, he doesn’t even care about you. He clearly proposed just to get sex, and rescinded his proposal when you didn’t immediately put out. He doesn’t respect you and he tries to manipulate you. Anyone that threatens to hurt or kill an animal will absolutely eventually make those threats towards you.
Have you tried searching whether other clubs/places have free trial classes?
This way you'll be able to discover new hobbies and/or check the crowd.
Gym can be a tacky place – after all, some would find this inappropriate because they come to work out at peace, not talk at all.
More social activities can help to get to know people.
While not romantically, I met a lot of great people checking out dnd communities. One of my friends met her “bestie” at mountain climbing.
There are so many various places to visit and activities to do, try them, you might not meet a romantic people but you will be able to see whether some hobbies might spark your interest.
Because you don't gave her enough attentionbor because you didn't give her enough space, or both at the same time? Maybe she doesn't like your haircut, or the last meal you cooked for the weekend?
Maybe the constellation of the stars were the reason and she couldn't do anything against it.
Maybe she doesn't respect you. And given you forget her and want to continue the relationship, this is the most propable answer.
You are only 20. Just drop her and find someone else. It is not worth it to “try it” with a 20 years. If you are married, in your 40s with children, there can be some things to talk about, but not with this age.
I would suggest getting a STD check if you have doubts about infidelity.
There are so many people out there that are looking for the someone to spend their life with. If your with this one, you will miss out on the opportunity to meet them.
No it would not bother me. It has nothing to do with me. It’s not going to stop being friends with my friends because they had sex with my partner years ago before we were drafting. I guess I just don’t operate that way, that stuff doesn’t make me insecure.
Either he has lied about having OCD and he's lied to you for the last however long or he's lying now.
He needs help either way. He's a liar and he's mentally ill. He needs professionals. I'd leave personally if I were you but if you want to stay I'd let him know he either sees a regular therapist who specializes in OCD or you're gone.
Important to remember that getting fired is just another part of life. Sometimes a job isn’t a good fit for you, there is no shame in that. These are the times when good family and friends will step up to support you
She basically went out of her way to let u know how attractive this guy is, she met him in person and now is following him on his account, yeah nothing to be concerned about, all good
Triggers are real, yet I'm seeing a trend where people are either using the term out of proper context or are using the term to mean “this is making me uncomfortable” and noping out
Is he actively in therapy and working on issues?
He sounds very… vague about exactly what his “triggers” are, which makes me wonder if he's using it to mean he's uncomfortable or weaponizing it so he doesn't have to deal with whatever the actual issues are.
Or to not be supportive of you.
Mental health and issues are very real, and you mean well, but until he is actually wanting to work on them, there's nothing you can actually do.
You also deserve support from your partner.
There may be nothing you can do if he's not willing to put the work in. You'll need a hard think about the relationship and if this is the relationship you want or deserve.
I'm always amazed how autistic most redditors are when it comes to human interactions…
Ma'am, your husband is 16+ years your senior, this is a whole can of worms to begin with, now add to this his seemingly low self esteem and you'll understand the predicament he is facing.
Not many people can give you proper perspective of how or why he feels the way he does. Have a talk with him, try to understand his love language and at the end of the day, just do whatever he tells you when it comes to him and his feelings.
The “problem” is complex and a lot of those complexities can't be changed or fixed. Explain to him what you did to us, that you find him attractive and that it will be hard and maybe awkward if you try to censor yourself all the time. Maybe he will understand and you'll only need to stop your public outbursts, not the whole complimenting thing. In general if he feels unattractive, maybe do something about it, ask for professional help, because why I know that not everyone is 10/10 everyone should be comfortable in their own skin and feel good about their bodies regardless of how old they are or who compliments them.
Thank you so much this was really great advice and a valuable perspective. I think I was getting carried away with how great we are but yes we are in that honeymoon phase and moving in could be a disaster. I think i will find my own place and we can reconsider in a year. Thanks so much
Intelligent people who brag about their IQ have nothing else going for them or are very insecure in other ways. Intelligent people who are worth being around treat you like an equal. Those who don't aren't worth being around. Honestly that goes for everyone, not just intelligent people.
I don’t like it either; it does nothing for me. She is just not into it.
No.
My interpretation is that he obviously liked it, but he actually gives a fuck about you and is just saying you're a hottie as is. So, just say, “i know you like me for me, but sexy time is a bit more sexier when i feel sexy. So, unless it disgusts you, i like dressing up and feeling it.” I don't see why there'd be an issue, especially since it went over pretty well by the way you describe your night!
That's where counseling comes in. He needs to determine whether this was a one-time (VERY serious) lapse of judgment that has eaten her alive with guilt every moment since, or whether it's a pattern of deceitful behavior. Given she didn't ever have to tell him, it's possible that this is the worst thing she's ever done in her life and she would never do anything like this again because she felt so guilty.
I think it also matters how it was done. Did she go through his condoms and systematically poke holes in them? Or did she stop taking her birth control without telling him explicitly? They are both wrong obviously, but they are two different levels of scheming.
Overall, they need to have a LOT more discussions about this so he can understand her thought process and how she feels about all this now.
Thank u so much! This has honestly been one of the more confusing situations I've ever been in, and u are definitely the first person to offer any advice that actually makes sense
Who cares this is over its a moot point you dont even have to give her a reason for leaving just get a exit strategy together and drop it on her when your ready
OP is 19. He/she is likely a freshman. No big cheques have been written, yet.
omg my hard sexy girlfriend loves being in her skin and is confident to wear scandalous clothes she must be doing it for other men and not ME, her partner that she chose to be with out of every other man on the planet /s
After reading some of your comments about how he talks about women behind their backs, my guess is that he talks badly about you to her, and doesn't want you showing that you're a good or thoughtful person.
He's trying to make it about you getting a gift back, which she may not if you don't have a close relationship with her, but you've been clear that you don't care. I'd probably give it to her anyway. Your boyfriend is being really weird.
Traditional Christmas in America can mean different things for different families, but typically everyone gets gifts from everyone. Some families do Secret Santa or other sorts of things (saves money, more fun, etc) but in general you wouldn't specifically leave out his sibling.
2 things. One- We do not have healthcare for all in the states, so his taxes would never go to that. Two- get rid of him and move to Minnesota. It is like Canada. But in the states.
He should have thought about how alone he will feel before he cheated. Idk why you’re so invested in his feelings when he clearly had no problem consistently disregarding yours. Kick him to the curb and tell him to go hang out with the girls he’s been sexting.
I agree. It's called “oversharing” for a reason.
Yeah. I'll wait for the inevitable boohoo open relationship fail conclusion.
OP. Your boyfriend is a married man.
He doesn’t want you to meet his family, because they know he has a wife.
He always wants to meet in a hotel, because his wife is at home.
He always wants you to pay for the hotel, because his wife would find his hotel transactions in their bank account.
I think you are missing the point. Also I didn't bring that up to him by the way lol, just something I pointed out here. And I didn't save him just cause I care about him, I'd save just about anybody.
Also you don't know anything about me or who I am as a friend. I put a lot of care into my friendships. Just because I didn't directly tell one person I got engaged right away does not make me a bad friend.
What do you think the guy who suggested this idea did to her on this 'spiritual retreat? Break up and walk away.
I have to add- is this a form of control? Withholding sex, compliments, and assistance so I feel so terrible about myself??
A handjob is equal to fingering…oral is oral regardless of sex
And the necessiry depends on your partner. It's not a necessity to me, but it may be a necessity to you and that's all that matters
His line of thinking is more problematic than your sexual incompatibility.. you're young, there's probably better quality out there ?
You make a very good point that this is their normal and they have been conditioned or manipulated to condone cheating.
I completely agree! You are being handed a gift here! Take it and run! You toxic verbally abusive bf is jealous you found a apartment and wants to break up over it. He is probably playing games and wants you to ask him to move in, call his bluff and leave before his abuse gets physical. The best thing about the whole thing he doesn't have your address! So he can't find you!
Why we’re you split up?
you’re not going to get good advice on how to handle a situation that is fundamentally impossible to bend to the satisfaction of all parties because some of the parties are doing unreasonable things on a whim
I'd say it's more than vaguely similar.
A pedestal can be the opposite, too. She’s untouchable up there because she’s not a person, she’s a mom.
What will it take for you to end this relationship? He does not love you, he doesn’t even care about you. He clearly proposed just to get sex, and rescinded his proposal when you didn’t immediately put out. He doesn’t respect you and he tries to manipulate you. Anyone that threatens to hurt or kill an animal will absolutely eventually make those threats towards you.
Leave him ASAP, he is not a good person.
Honestly, I'm all for the “hobby” path.
Have you tried searching whether other clubs/places have free trial classes?
This way you'll be able to discover new hobbies and/or check the crowd.
Gym can be a tacky place – after all, some would find this inappropriate because they come to work out at peace, not talk at all.
More social activities can help to get to know people.
While not romantically, I met a lot of great people checking out dnd communities. One of my friends met her “bestie” at mountain climbing.
There are so many various places to visit and activities to do, try them, you might not meet a romantic people but you will be able to see whether some hobbies might spark your interest.
I'd count this as a win anyway.
Oh for sure. Faster than lightning, I'd send copies of the texts.
Because you don't gave her enough attentionbor because you didn't give her enough space, or both at the same time? Maybe she doesn't like your haircut, or the last meal you cooked for the weekend?
Maybe the constellation of the stars were the reason and she couldn't do anything against it.
Maybe she doesn't respect you. And given you forget her and want to continue the relationship, this is the most propable answer.
You are only 20. Just drop her and find someone else. It is not worth it to “try it” with a 20 years. If you are married, in your 40s with children, there can be some things to talk about, but not with this age.
What the actual fuck is going on here
At a motel? Yeah okay, whatever. Remember adults f#$*. And why do adults go to motels instead of restaurants?
This is so fishy. People don’t delete accidental texts, they’ll delete something they’re embarrassed about or don’t want to be seen
It's smart behavior on his or anyone's part.
You have every right to to move on.
I would suggest getting a STD check if you have doubts about infidelity.
There are so many people out there that are looking for the someone to spend their life with. If your with this one, you will miss out on the opportunity to meet them.
Dont miss out, you deserve it
No it would not bother me. It has nothing to do with me. It’s not going to stop being friends with my friends because they had sex with my partner years ago before we were drafting. I guess I just don’t operate that way, that stuff doesn’t make me insecure.
Yeah, the only thing keeping me from doing it is the fear of creating like a weird vibe in the house ig but I think that I have to get over it
You need to lay down the law.
Either he has lied about having OCD and he's lied to you for the last however long or he's lying now.
He needs help either way. He's a liar and he's mentally ill. He needs professionals. I'd leave personally if I were you but if you want to stay I'd let him know he either sees a regular therapist who specializes in OCD or you're gone.
Important to remember that getting fired is just another part of life. Sometimes a job isn’t a good fit for you, there is no shame in that. These are the times when good family and friends will step up to support you
She basically went out of her way to let u know how attractive this guy is, she met him in person and now is following him on his account, yeah nothing to be concerned about, all good
Out of curiosity, what do you think she is bitter about? Seems to me like the only one that could be bitter is him for carrying the load.
You could both do it the old fashioned way and just go on some dates and see how it goes.
Triggers are real, yet I'm seeing a trend where people are either using the term out of proper context or are using the term to mean “this is making me uncomfortable” and noping out
Is he actively in therapy and working on issues?
He sounds very… vague about exactly what his “triggers” are, which makes me wonder if he's using it to mean he's uncomfortable or weaponizing it so he doesn't have to deal with whatever the actual issues are.
Or to not be supportive of you.
Mental health and issues are very real, and you mean well, but until he is actually wanting to work on them, there's nothing you can actually do.
You also deserve support from your partner.
There may be nothing you can do if he's not willing to put the work in. You'll need a hard think about the relationship and if this is the relationship you want or deserve.
Later in the evening.
If not, the next day.
I'm always amazed how autistic most redditors are when it comes to human interactions…
Ma'am, your husband is 16+ years your senior, this is a whole can of worms to begin with, now add to this his seemingly low self esteem and you'll understand the predicament he is facing.
Not many people can give you proper perspective of how or why he feels the way he does. Have a talk with him, try to understand his love language and at the end of the day, just do whatever he tells you when it comes to him and his feelings.
The “problem” is complex and a lot of those complexities can't be changed or fixed. Explain to him what you did to us, that you find him attractive and that it will be hard and maybe awkward if you try to censor yourself all the time. Maybe he will understand and you'll only need to stop your public outbursts, not the whole complimenting thing. In general if he feels unattractive, maybe do something about it, ask for professional help, because why I know that not everyone is 10/10 everyone should be comfortable in their own skin and feel good about their bodies regardless of how old they are or who compliments them.
Thank you so much this was really great advice and a valuable perspective. I think I was getting carried away with how great we are but yes we are in that honeymoon phase and moving in could be a disaster. I think i will find my own place and we can reconsider in a year. Thanks so much
Intelligent people who brag about their IQ have nothing else going for them or are very insecure in other ways. Intelligent people who are worth being around treat you like an equal. Those who don't aren't worth being around. Honestly that goes for everyone, not just intelligent people.