My grandparents did what your wife wants to do. Had my oldest aunt when they were barely adults, waited 20 years, and then had more kids when my aunt got pregnant.
They had twins.
And then 2 more after that. I never asked why, but I also found it extremely weird. Called my cousins Auntie and Uncle because they were older than my dad.
Terrible reasoning. You would resent that kid every day of its life. You would resent your wife. I'm sorry, but there is no middle ground here. Baby or no baby — those are the only options. And quite frankly, your wife has lost her mind. Nothing about this makes sense. And the fact that she's punishing you like this is so immature and out of line. I hope this doesn't bust up your marriage but it's not looking good.
I’m confused as to why you haven’t told anybody it was your family ring? I feel like that would clarify a lot of the issues here. When your girlfriends tell you to return the ring what are you telling them? Your story makes it sound like you’re just saying no and not dispelling the obvious fact that it was yours from the beginning.
It's normal to feel a bit jealous having applied for the role yourself but hopefully these feelings will fade over time. Regarding the new work dynamic, can you work different shifts so she's not managing you directly?
It sounds you need a break from childcare, but high is totally understandable considering your disabled adult son moved out at 35. If you can, perhaps offer to help pay for some of her childcare costs. She’ll see it as receiving help from you and you won’t have to give up your personal time.
Is this a recent thing? My initial reaction is that you need to give this time. Maybe it changes some dynamics and maybe it doesn't. Maybe you end up drinking less because of this and it helps you, too. Who knows. But just let it play out before making a big deal of it, as this decision on her part is a pretty reasonable one.
He's taking advantage of you on purpose. In fact, I bet he isn't even planning on breaking up with you. He just wants you to feel “less than”. This makes you anxious and willing to work even harder to please him. It's absolutely a manipulation tactic and he's an asshole.
Thank you for taking the time to post. All of that seemed pretty spot on, which is crazy. I have always questioned if he had some sort of abandonment issues. His mom and dad split when he was like 2 years old. His dad didn't want to stay in his life. His mom got remarried, and they had an unhealthy relationship, eventually divorcing. The mom left to be with her new boyfriend, so he lived with his step-dad and grandparents after that. His mom eventually came back into his life, and they have a relationship now, but not a close one. During his junior high days, he went through something very traumatic and devastating. I truly believe all these prior events shaped who my husband is today.
My empathetic nature feels bad for him, and I've made excuses for a long time because of his childhood. I've given ultimatums in the past, get help or I'm leaving. After resisting, he will eventually go, and he does open up about his childhood, but nothing seems to change. He will fight the fact that these events could have shaped who he is even though he says it doesn't affect him and he doesn't think about it. He doesn't see any correlation.
Regarding the red flags, they are all pretty accurate except for the first one. He's never tried to isolate me or be a super jealous person. My relationship prior to this was emotionally abusive, so he didn't like me being around him and always had to be there with me if we had to meet to take care of something. He didn't want him having my phone number or having any ties to him whatsoever, including his family. I felt like this was normal. We also spent every second together that we weren't at work or school. He was so sweet and charming. I had felt so lucky to finally meet someone who I thought would treat me right.
His black and white thinking is a huge issue between us, and counselors have talked to him about this before buy he sees no issue with his thinking. I try to practice not using “you, “always”, and “never” phrases when we argue, but he relies on them heavily and has no desire to try and stop. He seems to always twist the situation, so he's the victim or the one being controlled. He can't take ownership, apologize, or self reflect. He can absolutely flip a switch the moment I make him upset or angry. Sometimes, I can see his eyes change, and it's almost like they go black, which can be scary. He can intimidate me with his looks.
He has only ever talked to counselors, not psychologists or psychiatrists. I've mentioned it, but it doesn't go well. He doesn't want me picking someone for him or having any say.
As much as i would love for him to desire change and get some answers that could open up his eyes, it's just not going to happen. Me feeling bad for him destroys me in the process, and I refuse to let our baby girl grow up in this environment.
So, my husband and I talked before our engagement. I made it very clear: I did not want him asking my parents for their blessing. I am not a piece of property. He agreed. Like you, my parents are not at all traditional or religious but it's been brought up several times since how disrespectful it was of him not to ask them (Note: they had never before said this was something important to them).
I tell them the same thing every time. My engagement was about me and what I wanted, not you. I was not your property to be handed over and I wasn't about to be treated like I am. You don't have to like it, but that's how we did it.
You're 29. Your mom has zero say in how your engagement plays out.
She sounds like a jealous weirdo but if stalking your SM and copying you is as far as she takes it I would just try to ignore it. I can't control who looks at what I post publicly so I use privacy filters for stuff I don't want everyone to see.
Congratulations on never having an awkward sex moment!
yeah but at some point ur ready to get piped down by another man
My grandparents did what your wife wants to do. Had my oldest aunt when they were barely adults, waited 20 years, and then had more kids when my aunt got pregnant.
They had twins.
And then 2 more after that. I never asked why, but I also found it extremely weird. Called my cousins Auntie and Uncle because they were older than my dad.
Terrible reasoning. You would resent that kid every day of its life. You would resent your wife. I'm sorry, but there is no middle ground here. Baby or no baby — those are the only options. And quite frankly, your wife has lost her mind. Nothing about this makes sense. And the fact that she's punishing you like this is so immature and out of line. I hope this doesn't bust up your marriage but it's not looking good.
I’m confused as to why you haven’t told anybody it was your family ring? I feel like that would clarify a lot of the issues here. When your girlfriends tell you to return the ring what are you telling them? Your story makes it sound like you’re just saying no and not dispelling the obvious fact that it was yours from the beginning.
It's normal to feel a bit jealous having applied for the role yourself but hopefully these feelings will fade over time. Regarding the new work dynamic, can you work different shifts so she's not managing you directly?
It sounds you need a break from childcare, but high is totally understandable considering your disabled adult son moved out at 35. If you can, perhaps offer to help pay for some of her childcare costs. She’ll see it as receiving help from you and you won’t have to give up your personal time.
My though exactly!!
You can't keep her from thinking what she thinks. What's keeping the two of you together?
I don’t feel like I’m rational saying no to all the things I do but he expects me to do a lot.
You are eminently rational. do NOT buy him a gun, DO dump his ass.
Whatever you do, do NOT give in. If he gets caught, you will get in trouble.
I edited the text into the parent post
You should go out with your friends and enjoy the life.
She got instagram message, now wait for her to reply.
When she accuses you of “doing something wrong” just say Ok, I see, you are right… Don't act scared and try to explain why you did it or didn't do..
Looks like she's controlling, wants you to behave, using emotional abuse to punish you, instead of communicating why she feels “hurt”.
Seems like her friends are spying on you? Do you need to tell her everything you do in order to avoid her being upset?
If you want her to love, care and respect you then you should know your self worth, know that you deserve better, never be scared.
Defending, explaining and justifying never changes anything, instead it only shows how weak person you are.
You will always need to prove to her your love until she finds someone else.. If you love and respect yourself then others will love and respect you!
You’re not the main character of his life and his relationship with you isn’t the most important thing that ever happened to him
Is this a recent thing? My initial reaction is that you need to give this time. Maybe it changes some dynamics and maybe it doesn't. Maybe you end up drinking less because of this and it helps you, too. Who knows. But just let it play out before making a big deal of it, as this decision on her part is a pretty reasonable one.
You made it sound like one.
You went after the guy your sister had a crush on forever, you cheater, he found out, you got dumped, love won out, and they lived happily ever after.
Yta.
He's taking advantage of you on purpose. In fact, I bet he isn't even planning on breaking up with you. He just wants you to feel “less than”. This makes you anxious and willing to work even harder to please him. It's absolutely a manipulation tactic and he's an asshole.
What is your birth control situation? If you don't use condoms, you may want to set up some assurances.
Hopefully you won't need them but you want to stay safe.
Dude’s probably got Noro and a terrible case of terminal embarrassment
You’re ridiculous and very insecure.
Thank you for taking the time to post. All of that seemed pretty spot on, which is crazy. I have always questioned if he had some sort of abandonment issues. His mom and dad split when he was like 2 years old. His dad didn't want to stay in his life. His mom got remarried, and they had an unhealthy relationship, eventually divorcing. The mom left to be with her new boyfriend, so he lived with his step-dad and grandparents after that. His mom eventually came back into his life, and they have a relationship now, but not a close one. During his junior high days, he went through something very traumatic and devastating. I truly believe all these prior events shaped who my husband is today.
My empathetic nature feels bad for him, and I've made excuses for a long time because of his childhood. I've given ultimatums in the past, get help or I'm leaving. After resisting, he will eventually go, and he does open up about his childhood, but nothing seems to change. He will fight the fact that these events could have shaped who he is even though he says it doesn't affect him and he doesn't think about it. He doesn't see any correlation.
Regarding the red flags, they are all pretty accurate except for the first one. He's never tried to isolate me or be a super jealous person. My relationship prior to this was emotionally abusive, so he didn't like me being around him and always had to be there with me if we had to meet to take care of something. He didn't want him having my phone number or having any ties to him whatsoever, including his family. I felt like this was normal. We also spent every second together that we weren't at work or school. He was so sweet and charming. I had felt so lucky to finally meet someone who I thought would treat me right.
His black and white thinking is a huge issue between us, and counselors have talked to him about this before buy he sees no issue with his thinking. I try to practice not using “you, “always”, and “never” phrases when we argue, but he relies on them heavily and has no desire to try and stop. He seems to always twist the situation, so he's the victim or the one being controlled. He can't take ownership, apologize, or self reflect. He can absolutely flip a switch the moment I make him upset or angry. Sometimes, I can see his eyes change, and it's almost like they go black, which can be scary. He can intimidate me with his looks.
He has only ever talked to counselors, not psychologists or psychiatrists. I've mentioned it, but it doesn't go well. He doesn't want me picking someone for him or having any say.
As much as i would love for him to desire change and get some answers that could open up his eyes, it's just not going to happen. Me feeling bad for him destroys me in the process, and I refuse to let our baby girl grow up in this environment.
So, my husband and I talked before our engagement. I made it very clear: I did not want him asking my parents for their blessing. I am not a piece of property. He agreed. Like you, my parents are not at all traditional or religious but it's been brought up several times since how disrespectful it was of him not to ask them (Note: they had never before said this was something important to them).
I tell them the same thing every time. My engagement was about me and what I wanted, not you. I was not your property to be handed over and I wasn't about to be treated like I am. You don't have to like it, but that's how we did it.
You're 29. Your mom has zero say in how your engagement plays out.
She sounds like a jealous weirdo but if stalking your SM and copying you is as far as she takes it I would just try to ignore it. I can't control who looks at what I post publicly so I use privacy filters for stuff I don't want everyone to see.