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Birth Date: 2000-09-12
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Date: November 5, 2022
You need to speak to your Mum and explain that she is the parent not Anna
Anna needs to get a life
This
It sounds like something sneaky is afoot. The math ain't mathing here. Time for a paternity test ASAP.
You are not insecure. When we sense that someone is lying, it's a normal psychological reaction to hyperfixate on the things that don't add up. The urge to show up is really your brain trying to prove to yourself that you aren't crazy, or paranoid, or insecure, etc.
What you know for a fact is that he is a liar and cannot be trusted. Don't waste your time making the trip. You already have all the information you need to make a decision about whether this guy is worthy of your attention and affection.
Tldr: The man-child is sus and needs to be voted off the island ?️
I am so sorry this happened. She clearly played you. Obviously her end game in all of this is landing someone that is rich. Eventually, this will backfire on her. Karma will come round to her in the worst way possible. I know this feels really bad right now but honestly, you dodged a bullet here. Out there is an amazing partner who will love you unconditionally and not do these things to you. You deserve to be happy in life. This just wasn't it.
You’re right, I should’ve been more specific in my first comment. I meant the first study linked in my post, not that it was the first study ever conducted of course! I was referring to the fact that the research has been heading this way, and in the last decade very conclusive longitudinal studies have come out. Academic knowledge spreads slowly to society, particularly if it’s competing with a cultural norm. I didn’t communicate that idea clearly, which is my bad. Unfortunately, we can see in this thread that this information is not as well known as we might think. Even people who have been spanked are discovering from this thread that it harmed them, and making connections to their experiences and behaviour.
I think the issue is the weight of the term “abuse”. Just hearing it parents are going to feel scared, upset, and even enraged. That’s going to be even more true if we’re talking to someone who was traumatized themself as a child. We could also spent all day dissecting the word abuse, it’s meaning, it’s nuisances. For example, we could debate if something like intent or knowledge influences the definition. Personally, I don’t know that I see purpose in that. If the people we need to listen will shut down the conversation because of a word I don’t think that word is benefiting the cause. But I’m not an expert in any of this, least of all linguistics. I would be interested to see if there are some studies on the use of the words spanking vs abuse.
Information source also matters. Most parents will only see one pediatrician. If there are no marks on the child, the topic of physical punishment might never come up. If it does, there are many reasons a parent might dismiss that information. For example, spanking is more common in lower-income families. A parent might see the doctor’s advice as sanctimonious, or irrelevant to their situation, or privileged (e.g., “what would they know about parenting, rich doctor likely has a nanny..”). I can’t do much to solve that problem. I can, however, share the findings of these studies and hope the knowledge begins to seep in.
I will also disclose I have a bias towards empathy in these conversations as I’m training to be a therapist. I feel that when we approach difficult conversations as equals we have more possibility of changing behaviour. I recently read “Respect Focused Therapy” by Slay-Westbrook and she recounts a story of a woman who was mandated to get therapy by CPS before her kids would be returned. The mother needed to feel respect and empathy before she was open to really realizing how her anger was impacting her life/kids.
Of course I would You have a child together and you live together
I'm just commenting on the language that's all
There is no drama whatsoever. Im just gathering advice how not to get in a drama. But to leave a door open, cause i felt something i have not felt in ages.
Initially opened it to keep her. But I see your point.
Probably feels suited that you didn't go on a second date. If you ghosted her then yeah she probably wants to get back at you. But if you just told her hey I'm not feeling it and she still sent you that message then red flags should be going off.
You need to talk to the health department, they can notify her partner. Or they can advise you who to report it to. It’s possible they are using condoms, but some sperm got through without him getting infected. But this is now a concern for them if she is endangering others
Isnt she already not going by what you previously agreed on via changing her mind about the house solely being in your name?
Just talk to her. Trying to guess what she is thinking isn’t going to work. Just talk. Tell her how YOU feel. Spend time together doing things you both enjoy. Time together and communication is the key.
A new baby brings a LOT of hormones and emotions for both parents. Dad may be feeling inadequate bc your parents got baby ready, and redirected it as being upset his mom doesn't see baby as much. Maybe you can do a weekly lunch date with his mom so she cans we baby, AND bonus, it gets baby used to being in public in small increments and will help with restaurant behavior later down the line:) i think you should also try to make sure you two get time together alone with and without baby. It is very very hot being new parents. Once you set up a routine (which will inevitable change 5000 times anyway) it might be less complicated. And if dad is feeling a little sub par or however he may be feeling, remind him this is only temporary and not forever. Plus you JUST had that baby. You are certainly still healing and his brain probably is too even tho people don't realize how much dads go through as well. You both have to remember you're a team, parental UNIT. your parents being there is a major help while also being a stressor. You are not alone but it does get easier. Just keep a game plan and always check in with each other like every few days or weekly. I hope I've said something useful for you ? and I sincerely hope yall have a lovely relaxing weekend 🙂
Jeeze let her have her fun
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Send her a screenshot of the one where she says she loves him OR of the one you just described in the post. Or both.
Then just Mute Notifications.
Congratulations on being able to just walk away. Good job on avoiding all the drama and 'can we just try again' excuses. Wishing you all the best!
If you were on your wive’s phone and a friend sent her a picture of his bulge in his underwear, you’d probably react a little irrationally. It probably caught her off guard, she immediately got that sick in her stomach feeling, and you just blew it off. I’m sure, with a little context, she now knows you’re not cheating, but damn, show her some validation and respect. That would be enough to freak anyone out.
Also, I’ll say as a woman, your friend knew damn well what she was doing. You crop that stuff out, unless you want someone to see it.
Luckily it’s only with the food thing when we go places. She never asks me to buy her anything materialistic and gets upset with me if I actually try to spend a dollar on her in that way. But I appreciate your response
She has rejected every offer of help you've given and you need to understand that you can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped.
Move on, live your life, and let her figure her own shit out. She's not there for you to fix. She has to want that for herself.
I'm confused.
Was he sitting next to her with his arm kind of around her back and his hand resting on her hip furthest from him?
For some reason I pictured it as her back completely to him and he's standing behind her holding her hip kind of like a conga line. (I'm exhausted).
Or was he next to her and his hand is on her hip closest to him? That seems uncomfortable though.
Because if his arm was around her and touching her back – was she already engrossed in her conversation when he arrived? Because then highly likely she just thought it was you and she was going to acknowledge “you” when she's done talking.
Conga line – just weird and probably not what happened.
Hip closest to him – she might just have thought someone sat down close and bodies touch. Probably didn't even know it was a hand.
Incorrect.
Going to be honest – your wife is picking a child predator over her husband.
You need to be extremely clear that she has a choice to make and she has to make it now before he's around. She either fully cuts off the nephew or she will never see you again.
Then follow through. If you wait until he's out, you'll get tied up in his business. It needs to be now so the divorce can be finalized before he's out. So either she never sees/talks/interacts/sends money to him again or you two get divorced.
Your wife isn't a good person. She picks an abuser over the victims.
If you can't tell your partner about a situation where you did nothing wrong, then you have a problem
Morning soda? Any nutritionist would tell her all the bad side effects of regularly starting her day like this. It certainly isn’t helping her already pre-disposed shitty attitude.
Nо, move on
How do you deal with it? There’s nothing to deal with. You knew his ex was part of his friend group. if he’s going to cheat, he’s going to cheat. What good would bringing it up with him do? What would you even say to him? “Hey, just want to make sure: you’re not cheating, right?” “I’m afraid you’re going to cheat on me with your ex.” What good would that do?
If you’re in an exclusive relationship with him, then either make the decision to trust him, or break up with him.
Nope. I don't. I think it's about being open and honest , and communicating without being sketchy and/or trashy about it.
Your place is by your partner's side, not below him. If he doesn't know this, teach him the very hot way by leaving.
You should tell him. Jane sucks and so does the rest of their band.
They are separated. Changes that this would work out are not that big. He says he may want more childeren if it wont work out. Why does he have to be sure it will work out now? He wants to try but its trying… Not betting something that big on it.
Your reason for not getting a vasectomy is “we might not end up together, and in that case I will go have kids with another woman”. I’m shocked that you are shocked she doesn’t trust you, my guy.
Not saying you have to get a vasectomy, it’s your body. But you’re sure not showing commitment, you’re literally half-way out the door. Can’t imagine this vibe is very good for reconciliation.
I think you're right. I don't know how to leave my dream job. I don't know how to even start this process. I've never had this happen to me or anyone I know.
But how can the interest rate be 11%, if interest rates everywhere have been 0% for years now?
Seems like you're definitely at a crossroads and your husband isn't concerned with your feelings so long as he's getting what he wants and that's not how relationships are supposed to be. I have no clue what your guys relationship is like during the rest of your time together but from the little info I have I think y'all need marriage counseling if you two want to save this relationship.
I couldn't have said it better
I definitely feel like he’s using our relationship as a crutch for his mental health issues. That’s partially why I’m scared to question the relationship though. If I leave, I worry about him being okay on his own. He’d likely have a breakdown, and that worries me.
Yikes …. Make sure you establish your boundaries so you don't end up in a situation you regret. Will you do anal etc? You don't want to have to make split second decisions in the moment. I'm actually kinda worried for you. 2 older men tag teaming a young woman with no sexual experience sounds like a very bad idea. Maybe try experimenting with sex one on one first
Even in my absolute worst depression times and mental health lows, I would never ask my husband for a single one of those things. It's me that has to get through this, I'd never put it on someone else. And a lot of those “requirements” need to be freely given. Not demanded.
Your BF may feel genuine remorse and things will be great for a while, then he will assault you again. Then again, he will feel remorse. This is a cycle that will continue. Eventually the time between assaults will lessen and the remorse will also.
Something doesn't fit here, you just want a key while he wants you to move there altogether, which also involves a key, but you don't want that. You just want the key.
This is so utterly utterly confusing. Other than OP all the other major players are just horrible horrible people. OP should have been told immediately- what kind of garbage people actively hide their child’s partner cheating on them. Who in the freaking world would still be pushing to reconcile years later!?!
A few people have mentioned therapy and I agree with them. There are a few reasons why you could be feeling this sort of growing obsession, and a therapist will be able to talk to you about the possibilities and help you come up with things to do/ways to deal with this feeling when it arises.
Sounds like it looks could be a real connection. I don't think the age gap is weird. Honestly, just invite him to go out and get some coffee or sushi, etc., it might be a fun way to get to know him outside of the work place and I'm certain if there are mutual feelings things will start to fall into place.
By including you in work tasks… I think he might feel the same way about you. Haha, I acted the same way as him for a woman I was interested in… ?
Best of luck to you on your romantic journey! 🙂
Pls more comments guys
Awww this is tough and you’re still so young, but never ever sacrifice what you want for someone else’s happiness. You will only end up resenting each other. If you don’t want to get married and have kids then definitely don’t! If that means losing him than it’s better now than later going through a divorce.
You only assume he is working 8 hours a day. He could very well be working, sleeping and eating with maybe them to decompress.
And like there's nothing suggesting he wants her yo just sit around waiting for him. He just doesn't want to pay for her to vacation while he works very hot to start building their life together. It's not unreasonable for him to ask her to also get a job and save while he is essentially trying to do that very same thing.
she asked me was where I lived and when I said I don't think I'd be telling her that she laughed and said she already knows.
Then why ask? Crazy people. SMH.
Also, you're being groomed and his wife is right to be upset… at him, not you.
I think most people giving advice here are trying to save you some heartache here. A month of abuse is not a small problem.
You talk like it’s a minor faux pas and defend him. What magic words are there? You have been telling him each time it happens.
He doesn’t care and is most likely to continue. Is this what you want?
Open your eyes. He likes it this way. P
She couldn't imagine that done to her child. You're friend is selfish and has no emotions for other children that may be in that situation. I would write her a couple of sentences explaining what a crappy person she is and block her.
Kids are people, not property, and thinking you can somehow copyright them is dehumanising and insane.
Many moons ago (and 1 ex-wife later), I was told the same thing.
I wasn't working out and eating right for looks, per se, but because my doc told me I had the arteries of a 65 year old dude. I was 38 at the time, and turns out, I was unlucky on the cholesterol DNA scale. I mean, I looked alright (6'-0″ and 200 lbs), but I needed to better my diet and cardiovascular health. That took me to 180 lbs pretty quickly.
Walked out of the shower wrapped in a towel one day, and the statement “You look like shit. You need to eat more” hit me pretty damn very hot. It was just another nail in the coffin of our marriage.
We divorced shortly thereafter for a multitude of reasons, and since then (years later) she apologized for the remark, and she couldn't believe that her own insecurities (she was heavy) led her to talk to me like that. We had both moved on, and had grown in the process.
I don't know what body shaming is, but simply put, she was a b***** person, and though it was okay.
All that to say, I feel your pain bud. Don't put up with that shit. However you have to do it, don't let your life partner treat you like crap.
Good luck!
I knew he was male. It was a turn of phrase.