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Its Ben, 20 y.o.
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On-line Live Sex Chat rooms Its Ben
Date: December 4, 2022
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The fact that our children are all watching porn at the average age if 11 and finding it when expressly not seeking it out should be deeply troubling to all of us. You may know that porn isn’t real, but studies show that young boys overwhelmingly do think that it’s real and end up having warped expectations and preconceived notions about women.
Your brother doing this is likely just him thinking he’s being a cool uncle, but it’s predatory grooming behavior. Why on earth does he think it’s acceptable to share sexual space in any capacity with a 13 year old. Gross.
I’d encourage you and any other parents to look into Raised By Porn on YT about this very real issue.
Its great that she's in solo therapy but why arent you two in couples therapy? Thats where you can work on rebuilding your relationship and emotional intimacy.
Break up with her. She is giving you anxiety over your job a job you need to make money, buy food and online. She is jealous over a job, you think that will actually get better, or worse if you move with each other. You might love her, but it's clear she doesn't love you.
Thank you for sharing your story. I’ve been trying to find a therapist b/c I could definitely use one. I really don’t want to leave. We have kids and he’s an amazing person and man. This shit is so naked. I never imagined we’d be here. I def share the blame in this. I’ve let alot of shit slide to keep the peace. But now it’s coming back to bite me in the ass.
It's very naked to read this but, for what I gather:
Your girlfriend went on a camping trip for two weeks about the same time you were scheduled for surgery. You got depressed that she wasn't there and gave her the silent treatment for 20 days. When you decided to talk to her, you decided to press her about whether there were males at the trip and, when she said no, you kept pushing until she bended and told you about some guys who befriended her sister and ate meals with them. Later, she went on another trip, a sports camp, and you pressed to know if there would be males at that. And kept pressing until she bended and told you about the other team that had guys and this one guy from the team she exchanged pleasantries with. 25 days later she shifted (does this mean she lives there now?) to another city Yesterday she went to a party and you begun pressuring her to know if there would be guys at the party because, and this is an approximate quote “you don't like her going out with boys”
Did I got this right?
Stop inviting her to things
What happened to trying to work out why there was cheating to begin with? There is counseling and couples then work on forgiveness. It takes two people to begin a marriage and two people to work at it to make it a success. Wouldn't the children be better off with both parents in the home?
Ok don’t move in together. You need to have a solid foundation first and you clearly have some work to do before you have a solid foundation
This is quite shouty, and possibly not helpful for OP.
It is also definitely true that after the initial six month window has passed, the effect of therapy becomes significantly reduced.
I’m sorry for OP. My grandpa had a stroke during COVID, but in a different country. Partly because he was old, but partly because my grandma knew the symptoms, he was in hospital being treated in less than 40 minutes. He then had therapy ongoing for months, out of the country’s best performing neurology department which happens to be their local one. The nurses were clear — treatment needed to happen as fast as possible and therapy taken seriously especially in the first six months. Later than that is getting towards being useless.
Today, the effects of his stroke are barely noticeable.
8 month in long distance and already an ultimatum? Get out now. For your children if not for you. Your pregnancy is not the main problem, just a trigger
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Keep ignoring.them. they will get tired of trying to contact you after a while. Look on the brightside. You must be one kf the most important things in their life. Why else would they waste time on you if you wenrent. They must not have much else going on.
He said it to you when he was drunk because that's how he feels. He said it to his friends sober because that's how he feels.
Also, that's a huge age difference for you being together when you are 18. Ask yourself if at 25 you'd be okay dating an 18 year old and realize how creepy he was.
Generally when a man steals female clothing it's either as an aide to masturbation, or it's because he likes cross-dressing.
I think you should call Matt and say your expensive new set of lingerie disappeared, and you noticed he had been in the bedroom. If he has it, could he please return it?
It might offend him, but that's merely sticking up for yourself.
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Um, no. You're only doing it bc you're pissed she won't leave him. If she's really gone that much, I wouldn't be surprised if he already knows something is going on. This girl's bf possibly being left in the dark somehow annoys me less than you being a petty asshole. You're only doing it for revenge. Just, nah.
Right I was like, this sounds very familiar. Like this happened just yesterday. Ughhh trolls.
Neither of us are alcoholics
oh honey. i think you might be an alcoholic. it's not about how often you drink, it's about how disruptive alcohol use is to your life. this was really, really bad. consider getting treatment.
I didn't. I kicked him out and blocked him on IG and lost his number (he blocked me too). Then I got this surprise text from him so I guess he kept my number
If he just deposited his check why didn't he get some cash back for your gift? This is puzzling.
Also, you did good. He said he didn't want anything, and you got him a thoughtful gift he could actually use to fix a problem he's been complaining about. I personally couldn't imagine being bummed like this about a well-meant gift. I grew out of that stuff when I was a kid.
If you can't be vulnerable in a serious relationship, there is a problem.
Dude. He’s far away.
Seriously.
Do not marry him.
Sorry her dads dying, not sorry for her. She cheated, sick relatives aren’t an excuse though, leave her
I wouldn’t say early for our ages but for our financial situations at the time, When she told me she was pregnant I wasn’t working as naked as I am now, I was doing 40 hour work weeks not 72 and she was a secretary now she doesn’t work but i do for the both of us
Gave me strong VC Andrews vibes.
Thank you so much for the long thought out response!! The first little paragraph really hit home. It’s so naked to see these things as a possible result of his mental state, it’s been so easy to take it personally and assume he has bad intentions. I’m certainly not trying to dump him, otherwise i wouldn’t have cared enough to make a post.
Also the other points you made in regards to expectations and making plans are super helpful and help me see the situation differently. As for the friends thing I know that is totally under his own discretion. Not looking to change this about him or force him to do anything, i just saw it as a possible red flag/something I’m concerned about for him. Its tough when i value my friends and time spent with them so very highly and see him never spending any time with his.
Your ending note also resonates with me greatly. Thank you tons!
I had a very shitty one I was barely even scraping money up to pay him
Uh..why?? Like just why? You barely knew each other..then he straight up tells you that he wants nothing to do with the baby and you're surprised he doesn't want anything to do with the baby? Also he was going to break up to you and this is the compromise you thought would work best?
It stopped OP from being responsible before the comments pointed it out.
Yeah agreed, and pregnancy can heighten underlying issues of trauma and anxiety, especially if the pregnancy is difficult. The wife is making the wrong call, but it’s coming from a caring and protective place. Judging her so harshly is not fair at all at this point.
Me too!
Why are you calling her your gf? She is not your gf bud, she left you. She's with somebody else.
All of that said, this woman has some issues. Likely because of her childhood, she has an attachment disorder, and is attracting to dysfunction.
You are a kind functional person, so you're never going to be the right person for her. She will always leave you and find an abuser because that's what her attachment disorder tells her to do.
She needs to be in therapy to heal her childhood wounds before she can have a healthy relationship with anyone. That includes you. If you try to have a relationship with her, it will fail.
Why would you date someone who keeps company like that? That’s the real question. Also, why would your sister know all of these things about him? It’s not like he told her all of that at the party and if YOU invited him into your home while she was over, she likely assumed he was safe and a trusted person. For future reference, don’t hang with people you’re uncomfortable around. You cannot monitor who your sister sleeps with. She’s an adult.
What?
It's going to escalate to hitting you then saying it's because you made him angry and if you never did or said a certain thing he wouldn't have done that. You're bothered because it's not ok, your senses are right. You need to leave. Now. Don't minimise it, excuse it or try to understand or forgive. Just leave
Do not move. Stay where you are near your support. I wouldn’t move regardless but if you were even entertaining it at all I would tell him that you expect him to figure out all the logistics. BEFORE moving. The housing, the employment, the commute time, childcare services and anything else that concerns you. I still think this will not end well if you move but it’s up to you. DO NOT let him push all the responsibilities until you.
But I would have to be allowed to do it.
“Allowed”? Do you online in Saudi Arabia, Iran, or some other Sharia Law country? If your husband needs to allow you to do anything, I would divorce him and never look back.
If it was that he's controlling, I would take his ultimatum as a chance to flee and never look back.
4 year relationship and he breaks up for that?
regardless of whether he's “right” or “wrong” that doesn't sounds very mature
do guys break often?
He didn't looked it up and didn't purposely showed it. I do think is an overreacting but then he topped you by breaking up for that.
Don’t take her back at least until you’ve had the full conversation about why and how and whether she wants to make a go of your marriage.
And she has to agree to your terms so whatever she was doing to cover her affair would have to stop.
That’s the absolute minimum.
Why though? It sounds stranger to force yourself to date somebody you’re not attracted to because…. Well I have no idea why anybody would want to do that.
If you’re subtracting the cost of food she purchased from what she owes you, you should probably let someone else manage the finances.
You’ve been dating 4 months. How much she earns or spends is exactly none of your business.
Why are you even thinking about joint accounts?
You should split all of your checks, including drinks, because you’re already resentful.
You say that she values money greatly, but it seems that you’re the one who’s weirdly fixated on how she spends her money. Her money. Not yours.
Sorry, I don’t know those people.
No, no, no. Her earning double my income was the same. The split was different when we moved in together. Then rent was raised. I could make due initially paying more, but more unforeseen expenses have come my way (having to go on an expensive medication, for example).
I would not stay in a relationship with someone like this. I know that's not what you want to hear.
You accept by dumping him
An important thing to remember (and something that makes the whole thing much easier), especially when the thought of doing anything in the moment is scary and awful, is that bringing something up in the moment does not have to be a big deal or a “thing” at all. That’s why I stressed the causal not emotional statement and then immediately moving on. It can be as simple as saying “oh the mail is here” mid-convo and then getting back to the topic. Where it becomes a “thing” is when, once you say your statement, you wait for and expect a response from the other person. There, one second of silence feels like ten and it becomes awkward and sooo uncomfortable. The casual way there isn’t any time for the “roots” of discomfort to be planted cause you’ve already moved on! So it’s all in your own attitude and tone.
I hope that makes the idea seem much more comfortable for you!
I mean I honestly think that living rooms should be spaces that EVERYONE should be comfortable in and if he wants to be loud he should be the one to move his gaming setup.
If you're genuinely pretty fine with this arrangement though, maybe you could look into noise canceling headphones?
There’s a huge difference between privacy and secrets……HUGE.
I hope it turns out well, like wise best wishes to you.
“ retraumatize her”
She sexually assaulted a 10 year old. It wasn’t at a party. She did this alone. His friends just treated the incident as a “good for you” accomplishment.
No one here even knows this girl or has any idea of whether or not she was abused. 14 is much older than 10 developmentally.
OP already said multiple times she wasn’t actually going to contact her, she is just expressing her feelings of frustration.
It’s pretty fucking gross that half the people in this thread have more statements of empathy towards the 14 year old who molested a child than the actual victim of abuse here.
This is supposed to be an advice sub. Imagine being a victim & coming here for advice and half the comments are about how bad it must have been for the sexual assaulter.
Her circumstances are not the subject of the post and OP is not obligated to spend her emotional energy empathizing with the person who abused her boyfriend.
He is only with you for the house.
You hate this person, you gotta break up.
Sounds like she feels overworked and under appreciated. You say you bring her flowers but what do you do for the daily maintenance of your living? You say she doesn’t have to cook, but if she doesn’t will you cook? Maybe she feels like she has to do it otherwise it won’t get done. It’s not fair if she works and has to take on most of the domestic duties.
You’re frustrated that you have to write things down for her to understand certain tasks but why? If it helps the communication flow better why’s it bothersome? And what do you mean by she forces you to explain instead of using common sense?