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just bros, 25 y.o.
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Date: December 7, 2022
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All right.
So, then the choice is – do you want to be a single mother of three? With a guy who lives 2 hours away and was CLEARLY overselling his investment in this relationship?
You've only been together for a year. He's made his feelings clear. You can start counting him out as an active, helpful, loving and loyal partner at this point. If he's as fickle as you make him out to be, why would you even want his support? You take your concerns to Reddit as if you think the people here can magically change how he feels.
It doesn't even matter anymore who is right and who is wrong. Counting mistakes and keeping scores isn't going to help you out. Either you're willing to be a single mother if a newborn at 40, or you're not.
We can't change him and neither can you.
Go to therapy with him to work it out
Maybe they left her on read because it wasn't their place to have the conversation, it was something the bride should address
It is kind of a bummer to be honest. I'm sure I wasn't moving at her pace, but I was moving forward at what felt like a natural pace to me, and now it kind of just took the wind out of my sails. She's very scientific and practical about how she thinks about thinks, so I guess she doesn't mind, but it doesn't feel like the fun, romantic think I imagined would happen from my perspective.
They didn't do anything wrong and they didn't know how you were feeling. By your own admission you never spoke up.
Are you in the UK?
Everyone will have a different preference on this. One woman I work with has a PhD in English and married a guy with 2 year degree in HVAC. Personally, I've only had relationships with women with 4 year degrees or more, up to PhDs. I like discussions based on clear analytical thinking and I like politics based on deep understanding of both sociology and economics.
Your being groomed to be a substitute “husband” and if i were you i would run till my feet hurt.
Your being groomed to be a substitute “husband” and if i were you i would run till my feet hurt.
I've never been in this type of situation, but I just wanted to say a quick couple of things: You deserve more. You deserve better. You deserve to be cherished. You deserve to be happy. Don't convince yourself you need to settle for less just because it's easier that way. The best things are worth the effort and trouble it takes to get them. Don't sell yourself short like this.
I had something similar happen to me. I was with one of my ex 7 years. Moved across country with him 3 years into the relationship. He told me it's just a piece of paper. And the only way he would marry me is if I purposed. Which then made me feel he was doing it to make me happy. I stayed another 4 years. For him to not want to or wait tell we were together 10 years. Which may never happened. I made the decision at the 7yr mark that it wasn't going to work I left. Moved back home one of the hardest things I ever did. But now looking on it best decision I made of splitting up with him
If you think about it, dating is like friendship. It just has some different features to it. In both scenarios you are still getting to know someone either way. You go out and hang out together. The difference is with dating, you just gotta determine what your pace is in terms of doing things like kissing, staying over, heck sleeping together, etc. If you feel like you need it slower before you start kissing and such, then just take it slow and get to know them. Etc etc.
INFO. Can't believe the advice given out with so little information.
Are you both working? Are you a SAHM? How are the chores split up between you both? Do you both carry the mental load at home?
Just be honest with him, if it doesn’t work out then the feelings will pass, it sounds like you have anxious attachment which I understand completely but try to work on it and yourself and it’ll be ok! The feelings will pass, I know from my experience with it that it can suck but overtime it’ll get easier!
Is this his first relationship by any chance? Sounds a bit immature, it does go with experience though
I get that. And I agree with what you're saying. I never said they shouldn't separate, I'm just saying what I'd do in that situation. Having time to think by myself would help because after 9 years of a seemingly happy life I wouldn't take breaking up, moving out, and taking the kids lightly. I'd need time to think about organising my thoughts. Not everyone is well equipped to deal with confrontation or arguing ect. I'd personally just make it clear what's happening to people I trust (family ect.) Then go from there. I was only suggesting a first reaction. It's down to the OP at the end of the day.
Good point!!
It’s just your boyfriend. I don’t know of another pet owner who urinates outside with their dog. That just doesn’t make sense and tell him to be careful public urination is illegal in many states.
Devil’s advocate – what is she bringing to this relationship? And how long have you been dating?
100%
Insert something else here.
Let's say your were super against butt stuff but she thinks it might be fun and is open to the idea if you are.
Would you assume she isn't satisfied without butt stuff and would go cheat on you or would you feel like your values don't align and she would no longer be happy with you so you should end it?
If you two were watching a show and there was a three some or literally anything else you found intriguing and you mentioned it to her, how would you want her to react? Would you want her to assume your values don't align and thar you aren't satisfied with her or would you want her to talk to you about how she feels?
Monogamy or consensual non-monogamy is a boundary that should be discussed like any other.
The real question is are YOU willing to have the discussion and trust what she tells you. If you aren't willing to discuss then this whole thing is pointless and you should just free her now. If you trust her then you should just discuss this with her.
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I grew up a Jehovah's Witness and you do NOT want to marry into his family.
Are you serious? It’s absolutely not established terminology. An example of established terminology is labeling a medical episode “diabetic shock” in a physicians desk reference. That’s established terminology.
Hooking up, friends with benefits, fuck buddies, seeing other people, all of it, isn’t really clearly defined. You see that when there are posts here from men and women asking what everyone’s idea of each term means. Don’t be obtuse.
The fact is that she mislead him about her current status. The way their relationship started is based on a lie. The vast majority of people commenting here, whichever side they’re on, agree with this. The issue is whether it’s a big deal or not.
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-Male friend RED FLAG -She didn't want you there RED FLAG -lied to you about her whereabouts RED FLAG -lied to the Male friend about you being busy RED FLAG -disappearing and coming in at 6am that one time RED FLAG
You see the red flags….
What the hell you absolutely do unless you stay at home the whole day. Showering every day is now a unpopular opinion on reddit ? Bruh
If the support is court ordered, it certainly does fall to you. If you signed the bc or an acknowledgement of paternity or if you have been paying for support all these years, the court will consider you the defacto father and find in favor of the best interests of the minor child.
I sweat some people's moral compass is fucked up from here to hell. How anyone can rationalize and excuse this is beyond me. “two people grieving blah blah blah”. WTF? If you needed to get laid, couldn't it have been anyone else besides your SIL? Really? You were obviously not that drunk. This was wrong. It will always be wrong and no amount of pampering from Reddit will make it ok.
Thank you for such a sensible answer. We’ve recently started sleeping with each other when we meet and I know she has feelings, her mum thinks we’re already a thing. I have a therapy session tomorrow and I’ll bring it up but I also have other issues to discuss that should take priority over the relationship worries.
Mental health improvement is and will stay my main priority and I expect my mind to calm down about it as this improves.
Her kids are all his. Other than that you are totally right.
That sounds like a him problem. The only one stopping you both from moving forward is him. You can't change your past. It's not something that you can “resolve” and you shouldn't try.
If he can't get over it then sadly that's break up territory.
I read your original post, and your edit, and I don't think your GF is the problem. YOU are the problem.
She's clingy, demanding, you're exhausted, and you don't enjoy life anymore while being with her.
But, you are way worse, because you have lived with this person for 8 years, hated it for 4 years, and haven't been able to find the personal fortitude to end things FFS! Instead, you're here on reddit complaining. Just end it. You will both be happier for it!
The dog is being neglected. The dog isn’t getting attention or exercise. Yeah, I’d break up with someone who neglects or abused their pets. Stopped talking to my mother for similar. That dog is living in a prison.
If your bf and him are close and have similar likes / dislikes, then there is a high probability that his friend likes / loves you. I’ve experienced this with my friends and gf, now wife. Hopefully you can get some space from him and not hang out as much together. Unless you want it to happen. You can probably suggest seeing a wider group of people to your bf, or hang with your friends more.
In 7 months
So what you think she’s going to come back when you’re ready to not be a douche bag?
wow that was beautifully worded and unfortunately what I needed to hear. I am really appreciating all of the comments and perspectives from everyone.
No, it doesn’t mean that. Not every dad that has a few bears is getting high to the point they’re blank out or “unsure of reality” and cheating on their spouse.
THAT is what they described. He didn’t say a few beers makes you a bad parent. You’re projecting.
The reason it is naked to wrap your head around his behaviour is because it is not normal.
And just because you love someone, doesn’t mean that they are someone you should be in a relationship with.
I love this! Yeah look as a late diagnosed AUDHD finding out more about my differences really made me examine my childhood experiences and yeah, kids and teens can pick it. Even if they don’t know what ‘it’ is.
I fully support us all learning about the various differences and similarities. It’s been really wonderful being myself naturally and having people around me adjust a little to accomodate the same way I’ve had to adjust myself for years for other people. By compromising just a little we can really change so many lives!
Love the work you’re investing your time in, keep it up!
Sounds like undiagnosed bipolar maybe..?
Go look at r/deadbedrooms and think long and naked if this is something you could deal with for the rest of your life. Be honest with yourself about your needs, goals, and the strength of your relationship. You’re primed for resentment to grow if you just leave it as is.
If your dream is to move to Japan, I'm going to say you should probably break up with your GF.
How the fuck is she a gold digger when she makes more, pays more, does more around the house, does more outside the house, and can’t spend a fucking dime on something that’s not essential. Hope she dumps you
Maybe because physical attraction is a big part of relationships?
Yep, lest she try to send his wife screenshots
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UPDATE: I have decided that, even if I am invited, I will not be going. It’s not safe to travel under such circumstances and at the end of the day I’d be doing it for him anyway. He can go if he wants, but if he does it will be made clear that I will not be waiting for him at home upon return. We will be discussing this at length together tonight after work.
My (25f) partner (30m) invited me to a weekend camping trip out of state that his best friends’ fraternity and the sister sorority hosts every year (he was never a part of this frat but is an honorary guest to some events as his two best friends were a part of it and their wife and gf were in the sister sorority). He said that it would be a great opportunity to introduce some friends he hasn’t seen in a while to his growing family. Since I am pregnant and this camping trip falls within my third trimester, I said that I would absolutely be willing and excited to go for a day but could not stay the night at the grounds, as I would need somewhere comfortable and climate controlled to sleep and tents in the middle of the woods unfortunately don’t offer that. He was at first more than okay with this compromise and agreed that it would be best but as the conversation progressed, things became rocky. I thought it over and asked about logistics, like how I would be extended the invite from the frat if he’s already a +1 and not a member. He said that he wasn’t sure but if I end up not being allowed to go, asking if he could go for the weekend anyway. I expressed that I wasn’t comfortable with that for a multitude of reasons, the biggest two being as follows:
Since I’d be so late in my pregnancy, if something happened while he was away out of state, he wouldn’t be able to make it home in time to help or be there with me. Whereas if something happened during the trip, we could drive to a local hospital together. He apparently invited me before he was even sure if he could invite me, and insists on going anyway which is making me feel very left out, sad, and like an afterthought. That seems very rude and inconsiderate to me.
Me expressing why I was uncomfortable with him going if I weren’t allowed to go with him was met with resistance and agitation, which isn’t making much sense to me since he asked me point blank if he could. If he wasn’t prepared for me to say no, I can’t wrap my head around why he asked the way he did anyway. He says he would really like to go regardless and he’s firm on that because he hasn’t gone in a few years and loves doing it, so again… why even ask permission if he’s just going to do what he wants either way and disregard my feelings? He now claims that even though my feelings are valid and make sense, it seems like I’m restricting him from seeing his friends, I don’t trust him, I’m using my pregnancy as a bargaining chip to get my way, high risk doesn’t mean guaranteed risk, etc… I was alarmed and very upset by these responses, admittedly became emotionally elevated, and asked if the camping trip was really worth the possibility of things going sideways while I’m alone, and if it’s worth hurting my feelings and making such accusations against me. All he could say was “And what if everything is fine while I’m gone?”.
I feel very unheard and unimportant to him right now, and I feel like this camping trip means more than respecting and treating me fairly.
How can I best get through to him and stand my ground?
Open to answering any questions for context and clarity. I’m really upset while writing this so I may have forsaken some details.
If it was my mom I would show her immediately. As naked as it is, I would rather not wait until she finds out a year or so later after he's established multiple connections, and maybe gifting your mom with an STD. The longer it goes on, the more devastating it will be for her. Silence is your step dad's best friend right now.
He's hurting…or he's grandstanding, so you will feel sorry for him and back down on your proposal. which he doesn't like. It's always worked in the past, right?
If he doesn't eat for a day or two, it won't kill him. Neither will sleeping on the sofa. If you truly want to break the codependency, it's time for you to worry about you for a while, and let him worry about him. Rather than wheedling him to go do something with you on either of your two joint days off, tell him you'll be back by suppertime, and then go out to do something fun on your own or with friends. (Platonic friends, do I even need to stress that?) Not to intentionally hurt him, but to enjoy the refreshing sensation of being an adult who only has to manage her own feelings for a change. When you come home, you'll have a story to share with him – if he deigns to come to supper.
If it helps, you can pretend that instead of sulking and giving you the silent treatment, he nodded and said “You know, MindPhoque, you're totally right. Thanks for pointing that out. We're way too codependent, and it's much healthier for us to each have at least one day a week when we can be individuals who CHOOSE to stay with each other long-term, but don't NEED to be joined at the hip 24-7. I'll need some time to myself to process that without getting overly anxious, so please go ahead and model how that looks for me. I'll see you when you get home – have a good time!”
When his old tactics for breaking you down don't work any more, maybe – MAYBE, no guarantees – he'll change his mind, come back to your delicious meals and your warm bed, and you can talk more rationally about this proposal, why you need it for your own mental health, and why it makes him feel so anxious when you go places and socialize with friends without him. Couples counseling is an excellent idea also, since he seems to favor performance art over the preferred alternative of talking openly to you about his feelings. Good luck!
I'm not one to usually throw cheating out there without at least a maybe or two, but this is one of the most obvious cases I've ever read on here. You are being played, naked.