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Date: December 19, 2022
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Um, so she's ignoring that you've withdrawn consent and has done so on multiple occasions?
That's pretty fucked up. It's not a sense of humor thing. This is unwanted sexual contact.
Leave her.
I don't think it should be a problem to do it in and of itself, but provided there is no other reason to worry (no infidelity etc) and crucially, that you let the other one know. Not in an asking permission way, but to never mention it even in the usual “how was your day honey” conversation, just smacks of you trying to hide it.
I've given co workers plenty of rides, but I'd always mention it in my end of day convo with my partner.
Then they need to decide together if it's necessary. Maybe it's not. Maybe they can cut back, do some extreme couponing, whatever. It's not OP's right to tell her to go back to work when she's the primary caregiver of two young children.
If he wants more time with the kids, they need to come to a solution together. Maybe that solution is working opposite hours, cutting back, using daycare, who knows.
Regardless, this woman is spending too much time with the male friend. That's cheating in my book. That's a far bigger issue than who gets to be the SAHP.