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i think the issue here is that she might be struggling with gas costs and she expects her husband to help her out? does she have less expendable income than you because of her commuting costs? if you're committing to being a partnership, you should make it equitable.
The only reason this isn't physcial cheating is because of distance.
She has already told him what she wants to do and what she plans to do. It's cheating.
Don't even tell her how you found out. Just tell her you saw what she was messaging to that guy. When she asks how do you know, just tell her you refuse to give up your source.
Besides that, you should leave her. If that is your mindset, you owe her no explanation of how you found out. Leave and go NC that way you don't ruin her plans for this coming summer. Make sure to tell her you are leaving because you don't want to ruin those plans.
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Remember that nine months ago, you didn’t even know this person existed on planet Earth. He was completely irrelevant to your life. You can make him irrelevant again.
but thank you, i definitely see what you’re saying :>
I appreciate it, thank u. I guess I don’t know of all the legal benefits so I’ll have to look into it. For me, it feels like risk of divorce or potentially being unhappy doesn’t outweigh the pros of getting married and the legal benefits but I need to do more research
I already know he’s a liar because his nurse wife would not be allowed to be in the operating room while he’s the patient.
Op, are you really checked out or do you want to save the marriage and you don't know how?
I'm assuming you asked her to marry you and she said yes right? Of all the women in the world why did you ask her? Did she get pregnant with your “kid” and you were pressured into the marriage? Did you love her or did you tolerate her? Do you value whT she brings to the table or do you think she does nothing worth valuing?
It's what I've been thinking of doing most rather than endlessly asking her. At least that way if she's that upset with me it would be her ending things and not me looking petty and impatient
All she said was figure it out.
My input is that this is ridiculous. And stupid. And immature. Does she fail at every other kind of communication?
Either you aren't giving the whole story OR you need to break up and tell her to figure it out.
Yeesh. So immature.
if someone put a diaper in my food that would be the last time i accepted food from them
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He was someone who I leaned on after my trauma. He was an extremely good friend to me and was so understanding of what happened. It's part of why I'm so shocked by this because he seemed to understand the gravity of situations like this.
I don't know how to even broach a conversation. I had only just met these friends yesterday for the first time.
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“Your friend was hitting on me every time you left. He was telling me I looked cute in a photo, he offered me his jacked when I was cold, and he touched my lower back when talking to me. I don’t want to spend any more time around him.”
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Your mother shouldn't be getting angry with you, for long-ago harms that she endured from your uncle. I think you should continue having a relationship with him, but I'd advise you not to let her know how much you do or feel about him.
She needs therapy, but good luck getting that to happen.
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Trying to convince yourself that he’s experiencing psychosis isn’t the way to go about it.
My boyfriend and I have this issue where we’ve realized our perspectives are really different. We have different perceptions of everything, which affects the way we both perceive each other and the things we say.
It seems like from his perspective, you’ve done it multiple times and he’s tired so he’s done. He doesn’t owe you an explanation, though I know it hurts to not get one. It’s very important to mind what you say especially during arguments and serious convos because you never know how it’s going to affect the other person. And please leave that young man’s parents alone.
I agree. I often get jealous at times too. I think it's a good thing because it shows that I care about the person hence I get mad at whatever she does. I deleted the pictures, and I ensure her every single day that she's the only person that I have feelings for. Thanks for this!
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You really have to cut contact with this girl or it's going to end up hurting you significantly in the long term.
Oh absolutely. I can see having a fwb and then meeting someone you feel might become something more serious, but that’s the moment to stop seeing the fwb. Apparently they went on two dates before that happened, and IMO it should have happened after the first date at the very latest. I was just specifically referring to the idea that a fling has to be someone you have insane, irresistible chemistry with as something that is usually not true.
Everytime they comes over, it’s up to me to entertain his family, cook for them, clean after them, look after his brother’s kids etc etc.
It's not up to you. You choose to do it.
It came to the point where I couldn’t do it anymore and I told them I won’t have the ability to look after their kids.
Look, sometimes the best intentions go awry, and it certainly seems like you had good intentions here. But, you say that the whole point of this was to facilitate your sister-in-law going back to college. Was she done with college? Because if not, it shouldn't be naked to see how you put them in a pretty difficult bind, and he frustration would be pretty understandable. They're might be more going on there, but based off what you wrote, that's my initial takeaway.
A few things happens where I blocked her on Instagram and our husbands brought us together to talk it out.
This sounds like neither of you were behaving maturely, honestly. “A few things happened” probably = “I have some blame”.
Maybe I’m being a little superstitious but given the fact that I’m Albanian/Greek we are extremely weary of the evil eye.
Aaaannd now you're just being completely unreasonable.
Anyways, now my husband is accusing me of separating him from his family when all I want him to do is take responsibility when he invites them over.
Sure doesn't seem like that's ALL you want.
Nevertheless, it's not unreasonable to expect your husband to take some responsibility. However, you can't make him do it. So, you can choose to either alleviate your own burdens, or continue the nonsense. I would suggest alleviating your own burdens. Tell him that you won't be cooking. If they want food, either he's gonna have to buy something, or they will need to bring their own food. Or tell him exactly what you will be cooking, and if they want extra, it's on them/him.
There's a million options here, but just because your husband isn't stepping up, doesn't mean it's on you.
One thing to note, saying “raising kids is harder now” is the younger version of old people saying “young people are lazy and are ruining the world.”
It’s not really true. Every generation faces different things, it doesn’t mean one had it appreciably easier than another.
For example, for every new challenge like screens, social media, more expectation of super close supervision, there are other things that are easier. Screens are a challenge, but a blessing for the harried parent who needs a 20 minute break. And what about the fact that a generation ago moms had it way worse, since the societal expectation of the dad was to get a paycheck, now the lawn, play catch with the boys a few times, and that’s it. Today dads generally help out, but back then 100% of the housework was on the moms, and 98% of the childcare was.
(And yes those are generalizations but the daughter is painting with a broad brush, so the mom should too.)
You should be alert I would suggest.
Okay, so he cheated on you. No wonder you can't forgive him. And you shouldn't.
Regardless of what does or doesn’t happen with the divorce, you have discovered that you can’t trust the man. That’s enough.
Once trust is violated repeatedly, it seldom can be regained. Even if it is, are you ever going to be able to fully relax and trust your relationship with the guy?
Honestly, it doesn’t seem worth it. He’s clearly willing to modify stories to make his life easier in the moment, and doesn’t give a damn what that does to anyone else around him. Don’t be with people like that. It’ll end up making you feel crazy and unsettled in life, because you’ll be constantly questioning reality. (Dear Diary)
I think a big thing will be for you to ‘feel your feelings’ more and then try better at communicating them. Like the example you gave about feeling like you need a reason to see her instead of just saying, “I miss you. Can you come over?” It’s naked to do if you’re new at it, but I’d like to think you’ll find a balance between expressing yourself as well as not coming off a super clingy. (That’s a conversation for another time, lol.)
Also, you don’t necessarily have to incorporate her into your life 24/7, but even just touching base once or twice a day (depending on her own needs and how often she’d like to be in contact with you) can be acceptable. Perhaps simply telling her a little about your day and then you asking about hers and truly listening to what she’s saying and then respond accordingly. Like “oh man, that sounds stressful. How are you?” Or “wow, that’s a busy day!” Or something to show you really understood what she was saying.
And creating boundaries is also very acceptable. If you have a day or two where you need your own space, you can nicely convey that to them. But make sure you contact them when you tell them you will and don’t go off the grid for a week or so. Being open is important, but is is being honest.
Hopefully others will offer their input too!
She wasn’t thinking about anyone but herself when she cheated, and sometimes you need to think the same way to free yourself from people like that. Best of luck
Why do you want to be controlling? Toxic behavior is toxic. His porn, his business. Unless it has deterimental effect on his life (not on your feelings on the matter) , its all good.
Also, obligatory…14 years old with a 20 years old? Yeeah, detach yourself from that guy. Like now. No, not ok, under no circumstances. Gently speaking.
I mean if you talked once but don't want to bring it up again then I don't know what to tell you
Break up, why stay in a relationship with someone that treats you bad
Damn, the point you make about not being able to relax unless she’s relaxing, I feel the exact same. How are you doing?
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Do what you think is right for you. You can’t make anything perfect for anyone else.
This is disturbingly immature. Can we even fucking imagine if the genders were swapped here??? I mean WTF
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I have seen some of Tates recent videos and there is little hate towards women, actually. Ill be honest, i do not like the guy very much but he basicly rephrases many things relationship coaches have been preaching for years.
Its just that he is wording it so poorly that its easy to see these things as hateful.
updateme!
updateme!
updateme!
Sounds like 2 lonely people who needed each other to me. Don’t feel guilty. Talk to J and be honest. Maybe you two can lean on each other for a while to get through both situations.
The only person who should ever want a boob job is the person getting it. I do believe you should break it off, because I get the feeling somewhere down the line he'll start “working late” with his big-titted coworker.
In this economy? Probably middle class.
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You're dealing with someone who needs real therapy before being in a serious relationship. Until he gets help and does some healing, you'll be uncomfortable. Good luck young one.
Lol, sure, birthing and raising kids is absolutely zero work whatsoever and being left with when house owner gets bored and replace ypu with younger model is such an enticing perspective…
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Make an addendum to it to stipulate what you would be entitled to in case of divorce while you were a SAHM. Nothing wrong with prenups, but they need to be fair and you need to be compensated for the work you are doing (childcare). I would also see if there are any options for part time work to keep yourself in the game as well. Good luck
I didn’t, he’s the first person I’ve ever sent them to.
Truthfully OP, is this guy rich?. That does makes him much better than younger less established guys isnt it.
Do you hear what this sounds like? Sounds like he accomplished what he wants, in your post and in your comments it looks like he wrote this not you.
I hope you have enough of a clear mind to not fall for this stupid crap. And please don’t add “but he’s a nice guy while not toxic manipulative manchild and he loves me”.
See how it goes? I don’t personally think you need to dramatically and preemptively break up. Support her dream and see how you both feel in a month
Shes immature and wasnt ready for a relationship. You did nothing wrong. Move on, ignore her, she needs to mature a bit.
I kind of do. Like even though we aren’t together anymore, we still had 7 years together with the majority of it being an amazing time… she is a very caring and in someways considerate person, but just like anyone can be selfish and inconsiderate in other aspects and she is honestly one of the only people I can be completely honest with in my life. I feel like her “pros” far outweigh her “cons” which is why I feel more than hurt with her being dismissive… if that makes sense.
Too bad. She can't make you stay with her. You want sex and she doesn't. You're not compatible anymore.
Maybe quit dating a human embodiment of dog shit?
What do you think? Can you wait especially at your age? I mean you are in your mid 20s and a lot of life to live. Don’t let religion and her mom make you wait for something that will never happen also let’s say you do wait and do marry her. Her mom will be making decisions in your marriage for the rest of your life and I’m sorry but that sounds like biblical hell.
Either he's having an affair or he bought used panties from someone.
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I mean he found out you’re willing to pretend to be interested in a guy in exchange for money. That should rightfully concern him. A lot of guys aren’t interested in dating sex workers.
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Ah, I see. I heard that sometimes happens when people try to post. Regardless, I’m pretty sensitive to black-fishing and black-face. Lana isn’t doing either of these, especially since the characters she’s dressing up as is not even black.
I’d recommend sending this thread to your friend group so they can see how ridiculous Kate is being.
Those are all drugs. Drugs aren't just meth and morphine.
It’s not like opioids tho ?
I would look for someone else. I would feel unloved.
Well you'll probably not be retiring until you are 70, so why not!
She obviously likes him, and he knows it. Instead of showing you his chats and reassuring you verbally, he should have put some healthy boundaries between them. I don't blame you one bit for being frustrated with the situation and feeling uneasy about it, I doubt most of the people who have commented that you should work on your jealousy would have been as cavalier if this actually happened to them.
I don't think you messed up at all, your boyfriend should have made it crystal clear to that girly that he is not interested, now or ever. The fact that she kept messaging him and asking him for rides and dinners shows me that he failed to do that, probably because he enjoys her attention. I wouldn't be surprised if he broke up with you to date her.
Not much you can do but wait and see what happens. If he broke up with you in the heat of the moment due to frustration, he'll reach out to you. If he did it because he wants to date her, then he won't reach out, and no amount of you reaching out to him will change his mind.
You are not being inconsiderate. Just because you may have the money to spend, doesn’t mean you have to. She needs to learn herself how to budget and prioritize spending or this relationship won’t work for either of you. It’s great that you had this conversation before you got a place and moved in together. It’s a necessary conversation to have. You both need to be on the same page when it comes to joint living expenses. She needs to understand that she will now have to manage her money and handle the responsibilities she will have. You will also need to know that she is capable of doing it so that not everything falls on you financially.
Have more conversations before getting a place together.
Took this advice and talked to her. It was a quick conversation but she gave me the run around about how she needs to continue to work on herself and blah blah blah. She said everything she could have without actually saying she does not love me. I do not know if she is trying to preserve our relationship incase she can’t find someone or what but I’m out. I do not want to be with someone who won’t be straightforward with me, let alone themselves. Wished her the best and left. Time to see a therapist and move on.
Thanks for the help!
Big red flag. Get out
I’ve had several FWB relationships, and although I know nothing about this guy and how he would interpret it, I would definitely appreciate something like this.
You sound like an asshole. Actually, pretty much every reply here is snarky bullshit except the parent comment in the chain. Your whole profile screams alt account where I get to talk shit without repercussions to my main. I get the feeling you are more here to dispense one liners than give good advice. Or at least that's what my fortune cookie said.
You’ve done the right thing, block and move on. He had a tear to either tell you or end things with the wife-but only 3 months ago he was having sex with the wife, if he truely loved you, he’d not have been sleeping with wife’s
Sorry, I don't understand. Maybe just my english is not good enough, but I don't know, what you're trying to say. Can you please rephrase it?
Tell her to please never speak to him like that again, he was just trying to help with the situation and all of you failed at reading and talking better. She owes him an apology. She needs to realize that he is going to be around and she has to accept that or move on and lashing out a him for a misunderstanding was wrong. Your lucky that he is mild mannered, my husband would have told her to f*ck off and I would have had his back and we would have left. Good luck
Yeah, red flags.
A pretty accurate indicator of someone’s true character is to watch how they treat people in service-based positions. Hospitality workers. Retail workers. Cleaners.
If he can’t even be bothered to say please and thank you, that’s a bad sign. Walk away.
It could absolutely be the birth control and she should immediately try a different one.
Definitely! I have mentioned for us to go to see a therapist together but he always says that our relationship is fine. Which I don’t think so at all! But I’ll bring it up again
That whole germ thing is new? It sounds very obsessive to me and I strongly believe what she needs to do is seek therapy. The low sex drive can be somewhat normal in phases, but for her case to be so bad to the point of wanting you to look elsewhere and also the whole thing about showering, the sheets, etc..? Could something have happened or changed around May? A loss, new job, school, other life event? It really sounds like she's struggling if all of what you're describing came to be rather suddenly since May. I have OCD and I'm not diagnosing her at all but I can really relate to my obsessions changing when I'm more burnt out or anxious. I've only discovered my OCD in my twenties so it's not like it was always bad or obvious whatsoever. Adulthood has really brought on new stressors that ended up exacerbating it.
I also get low libido and I believe for me it has something to do with my OCD because i'll be obsessive over various things during (and outside of sex) so sex has unfortunately become lacklustre to me even though a year ago my libido was high as fuck.
So I do understand your frustration with this situation with your wife. Her behavior in not just answering you was peculiar. Also understand your frustration with feeling you haven’t been heard.
However, just by what you’ve posted, the apparent need to restate the same thing multiple times, also think your wife had a point about you seeming overwhelmed, overstimulated and overtired.
She is your wife, knows you better than anyone here and unless she’s harmed you repeatedly, do think she probably has a better understanding of what was going on with you then and ongoing.
It will be worse hearing it from him and the fact that he immediately jumps to blackmailing you – not asking for the money/worth you stole but literally blackmailing – should be enough to tell you he can’t be trusted to end it at that.
Come clean asap about your past. If I understood correctly, her brother was dealing, not just using, so it’s not like you’re the only one who fucked up on more than just their own health.
We do
I'm friends with almost all my exes, they all adore my partner. If any of my friends ever barred my partner from accompanying me to anything we would not be friends as they clearly don't respect my relationship. With that being said… why does his friend group “loath” you. Is there more to the story? Beef we should know about
Do you know how much insecurity it gives if you end up with a partner that can't accept your female friends? You'll always be walking on your toes, trying to dodge the landmines she put in your relationship. Hiding conversations you have with your friends because you're afraid she'll get jealous and attack you.
And finally when she spots a single text of your friend on your phone she'll get angry and then you start hiding your phone or turn off your notifications or text them in secret because you don't want her to see it; as you want to avoid conflict.
This is not a healthy relationship my friend.
You sound insane.
OP is hypercritical and grumpy, with a short fuse.
Wife is privy to this and tries to maintain an even tone as she doesn’t want to set OP off about inconsequential things. Also, wife sounds maybe genuinely curious about the applicability of thyme vs sage.
OP is hypercritical and grumpy, having had his short fuse lit. He accuses wife of not respecting him and for not being “genuine.” He runs to Reddit for validation and receives none. He cries in a corner, alone, before realizing his faults and buying wife a bouquet of beautiful, fragrant sage and apologizes for being a crazy muppet who thinks it would be better to have “direct communication” but undoubtedly would be furious and snap back at his wife should she actually implement what he considers “direct communication” (i.e., “Hey, I see you’re cooking dinner. Use thyme instead. Yeah, because I said so.”)
Yes, that is the message I got from her too. It seems really strange to me… but I am trusting of her and trust that she wouldn't be inappropriate with anyone. I find it really confusing but honestly, I am now at the point (especially after seeing the response on reddit), to just not go on holiday at all. This is exhausting and upsetting.
You can't stay with someone out of fear though. You have to put your foot down and say “This isn't okay. You can't keep doing this, I can't watch someone I care about drink themselves to death” and encourage them to get help. An intervention isn't going to change his reaction to someone calling him out so your only option is to start looking after yourself and your own well being.
Thank you. There’s a part of me that just doesn’t want to deal with what will be massive, massive fallout if I do sit her down and even tell her half of what went on. Like, he will be enraged at me and consider me a psycho ex destroying his reputation and friendships. She will be anguished. And all these other people who don’t know me but have known him forever will just suddenly hear that “[my friend] set up [guy] with a girl and it broke up and she’s now saying he’s abusive? We’ve known him for years, we knew his ex GF, this girl seems nuts.” I think it will also be colored by the fact that he is dating again. I will look jealous.
Dude use your head, that just means she had sex with someone else either during the week you two were reconciling or the week before. Any how she lied, so go get tested asap
Either you work through this with your partner or you leave. But don't count on your colleague to want something lasting with you.
Just… so left field from using the bathroom
Why?
Oooh. You’re giving me ideas. We’re planning to get takeout tonight and now I have to check if there’s a good Ethiopian we can get here. Cheers!
This is why you never tell friends (or family) if you're worth ungodly amounts of money.
Oh man, this is so true. I'm really obsessed with appearances. I have put so much effort into my apperance, I didn't put any into my charisma/game. I'll improve my inside too.
You need to stop worrying about what will happen to this guy, if he's ostracized who gives a rats ass, he's a scum sucking pig that doesn't deserve friends..HE is probably the entire reason for why his wife left him, not the other way around AND he probably didn't have permission to go bang other women he was more than likely cheating and him having permission is just what he told you. Fuck that guy and the horse he rode in on, he's pond scum.
I think more important is the original reason for the breakup not going to cause the breakup again?
The other thing you might do is kind of lean in to these concerns a bit, The way you might do that is Play devil's advocate , Sell your ex on the merits of not starting another relationship together: You can tell her are you sure you want to get in another relationship together ? If we stay broken up you don't have to worry about The romantic or sexual exclusivity of a relationship and it won't be my business will you talk to, My jealousy won't be my business? Are you ready to handle the good with the bad?
See how she responds to that , That's more important.
Thanks, I just overthink a lot and needed someone else's opinion cause mines gets kinda bitter sweet after a while
He doesn’t have to adapt. She’s not asking him to change. He is upset by something she does and wants her to change her behaviour, all he has to do is not get upset about it.
Your husband is cheating on you and using you. Protect yourself and your child. Your husband is picking random fights to hide that he’s the problem and make you think it’s you. If you don’t think so check his phone / devices and your phone records.
Sure, I think he should be a “good person” and talk to her. But I also think LOTS of people on Reddit should be better people. Two months, one meeting. He’s taking the coward’s way out. That’s pretty low stakes.
I know it is weird. I am from a different country and for me, it is not weird. In our culture word of the month amongst family is enough and they gave me money and said if they ever need it I will give them back and I agreed.
If there's no kids it's a different scenario, that's why I said “when you have young children”. The frequency of outings and context of the age of the kids is important.
If my spouse (f) was going out multiple times a week past 12am when we had toddlers/infants at home I'd be upset too, hell I think that once a week is generous imo. To me it's worse for him to be doing this for months if not years (?) and she seemingly does it once and he confronts her.
That said, since he doesn't do it nearly as much then sure I'd agree he can go out as late as he wants now. The context has changed and so should the rules.
Not to poke holes but why would you wait until after you’re married to learn about autism?
Agree you keep posting, but won't leave him.
His sole purpose, in my humble opinion, is to bleed you dry. Get out get away, move on.
The only time I’ve ever had a rule like this was when I was in high school and dating someone who was extremely insecure that I would cheat on him, like he was doing to me for the entirety of our relationship. So it’s naked for me to be unbiased
Okay, fair. It is your rule and should have been respected, especially if it was agreed to. Lying and getting angry about it, makes it that much worse.
What's the consensual age where you on-line?
Well dreams can be all kinds of things they can be prophetic. I had one when I was 15. I’ve had a couple actually. But mostly there our subconscious trying to work out our issues. At least that’s been my experience in my own life. So it means something is going on with her. I’m also very spiritual that when dreams to mean something that means she’s very troubled. She’s having a nude time haven’t come to the surface so she can express it. She may not also be comfortable expressing it. I would start talking to her.
What hope, you started the post about how frustrated you are that she doesn’t do anything and you don’t even want to sleep with her
This is why it's recommended to still get tested whilst being in a relationship with someone, although less regularly. Awkward subject, but it should defo be taught in schools.
Anyway, one of you is lying. Gonorrhoea doesn't just happen and isn't swapped by kissing. As said below, if you are telling the truth that it wasn't you then it was her. Likely just before you two got back or after. And I am sorry if it is after.
If you did have sex, just accept it like an adult and get the anti-biotics. People get STDs, like any other type of illnesses. It isn't nice to be going through with all this if you were unfaithful the past week or just don't wanna own up to anything before you two got back together (which I just don't get).
Maybe this is why you two broke up, lack of truthful communication (and I'm not blaming anyone). Since you weren't together for 4 months and it can lay dormant for near 2 weeks, it shouldn't be an issue if it was before – but it is with either of you two lying about it (which isn't a great re-start lol).
This comment sounds harsher than I mean it to be but idk how to change it. Either way, wishing the best!
One more time…dating is a time to decide if two people are compatible. Are you? Can you on-line like this the rest of your life? If not end it now and find someone who knows how to wash themselves.
He is preparing you for a life of being cheated on, is that what you want your future to be? Would he be happy if you sought men outside of the relationship as well or is it only him because of “male instincts”? Thats BS by the way.
Don't try to keep a man that doesn't respect you enough to be equals with you (if he gets to cheat, you get to cheat) just because he isn't currently abusive or “toxic.”
You are way too young to settle for always compromising to keep him around.
You’re not ready to date and that’s okay, grief is something that takes time and you just need more time. It’s okay to be alone, it doesn’t have to be a punishment
Technically its just fornicating if neither of them is married. Adultery is specifically having sex with someone other than your spouse.
It sounds like you are also somewhat projecting your “ideal” women/relationship back on this ex.
I also don’t think therapy is ever a bad idea.
One thing you could try to start is labeling. Whenever you start thinking about this ex, label it. Physically say to yourself – I know I am having these feelings, I know they are unrealistic – or some type of ‘mantra’ if you will to address those feelings. It may feel like you are doing it all of the time to start, but as you become more self aware you will find it happening less and you should be able to slowly move on.
You can also start doing this with the positives in your current relationship- label the things that make your relationship strong- have really strong communication – label that as a positive and use those as tools to help refocus when you are labeling the negative.
Divorce him. Immediately. The sex toy is an excuse, this ‘emotional divorce’ is his way of trying to get citizenship from you. Nah. Your child and you both deserve better. I wouldn’t even give him the chance to fix this, get OUT of this situation pronto.
He says he loves me and that he doesn’t think he’ll break up with me
Oh great stuff, he doesn't “think” he's going to break up with. So he's on the fence, going to give it a ruminate.
If this guy can ditch relationships and friendships on a whim of “oh I sad, bad time, bye now, don't let the door hit you on the way out” then how can you ever feel secure in a relationship with him? You probably can't.
Honestly, I'd want to have words with your parents. This guy can just pick and choose his friends and relationships, yet your parents like him? Also, parents aren't always a good metric for good partners (sometimes they are in fairness, it's not 100% either way.)
It's no surprise that you don't feel comfortable here, he could ditch you and all his friends at a moments notice. In fact, during a fight, he used the break up card because he knows that's a weak point for you. That's really shitty on his behalf. Maybe it was off the cuff on his part, or maybe he knows that he can get you to fall in line by threatening that every time an argument happens.
You say you've never loved someone the way you love him. Granted, that feeling is no less real for you at 18 than it is for me at 42, but he's just one guy in a world of MANY guys. From shit to fecking awesome, a whole maelstrom of options out there. I don't doubt you'll feel more for someone in the future that isn't him, by age alone, you've only started shopping…. and it's a BIG shop.
Don't give your heart to someone that treats it so casually.
Definitely this
How do you not see that its exactly who he is?
The reason he is with you because no other women his age will go for this bs. By your replies, your not really looking for advice. Good uck, but please don't bring a child in this toxic situation.
You're being groomed. Don't have his child.
Yeah…nothing but red flags in this post man. Wow
He’s cheating. That’s why he suddenly wants the emotional divorce, that’s why he’s accusing you of cheating with a vibrator, that’s why he doesn’t want to divorce legally.
I’d run.
No lovely, there are hotels. You may not be able to afford them now, but someday you might be able to. Perhaps you can talk to your mum and find a way of getting him out, like a restraining order.
But am I saying you shouldn't stay in a house with someone you just claimed you're scared will kill you? Yes, I am saying exactly that. If you have any alternative you and your mum shouldn't be under the same roof. Here's for why:
You said he's only violent and scary sometimes, then goes back to being normal. All murderers, Child abusers and wife beaters I have ever met had friends who never saw their bad side and believed them to be the best person ever. They control their victims by being nice a certain % of the time. Its the % where they aren't where they kill people.
So you have some difficult shitty choices ahead. There isn't a good answer that waves a wand and makes it go away. Please seek support from a person in your life removed from this.
Everyone is different. I was on tinder after a break up and put my age range from 19-25 because I was just looking for a good time. Started dating a 19yo and now we’re married. Been together 4.5 years and it’s the best relationship I’ve ever had. I’m 40 now.
Do you.
You need to stop telling yourself that this was a mistake. You wrote a whole post suspecting she would cheat and low and behold she cheats. Stop being naive, this marriage is over. She isn’t sorry, she’s sorry she got caught. She has no real remorse over this. She never planned on telling you.
If you WANT to be his friend again, then tell him. But I anticipate he will not want to be friends with you once you do. If you don’t want to be his friend, don’t worry about it.
This post does not say a lot about why things ended or what happened, but I will do my best. First and foremost – It has always held true in my life that, “What he did to you, he will likely do to others.” That is assuming he mistreated you.
The second part of me says, if he comes around once you've moved on then you will have the last laugh. Every time a guy did this in my life it was nothing more than a small confidence booster and a “See ya never”.
The third, less serious, and final part of me says go find someone younger 😉 A 28 y/o with his shit together? Stamina? A full head of hair??
Start hanging out with your friends again, this time without time limits or annoying messages.
Come on. You know it's wrong. It will get worse. Just rehome your cats, instead of putting them thru this. It's a deal breaker for people who protect their pets from mistreatment. You are playing weird games with his mistreatment of them. Would you want to be “hugged too tight” to the point where you are hissing?
I’m a 30 y/o woman and my friends & I would never consider dating a 22 year old. That is way too young. I was a completely different person at 22. I’m guessing the 30 y/o women you are seeing haven’t set the age filters on their profile properly or are unaware of it.
While I worked full time to pay everything
Nah, I’ve already asked why it’s such an important thing to everyone when it means literally nothing at all.
Got it!
Does it hurt you that he does this? Does it make you feel insecure in your relationship? I bet it does, I think it would make anyone feel insecure. You’ve spoken to your boyfriend about this and he DOESN’T CARE that his behaviour is hurting you.
You say this is how he started a relationship with you so it’s not unreasonable to supposed his behaviour is going to continue, even if you stay together long term. The question is, is this acceptable to you? You can’t change his behaviour, only your reaction to it.
By all means have a last conversation: ‘the relationship you have with your coworker is not okay with me. You’re free to continue it but I’m not going to stick around if you do’. Be prepared to walk away.
I sometimes forget that some countries don't have healthcare/a government that cares at least a little about the wellbeing of its people… Sorry to hear that.
Anyway, she needs to see someone about her depression or whatever it is that she has. It obviously impacts her life. And if she has developed a repulsion of sex, then I would argue that she might have had a traumatic experience. I don't know if this is a topic that a couples therapy can properly address to be honest… But I wish you both good luck anyways
He finds you too cute to have sex with you? That doesn’t even make sense. Don’t waste your time with this bum
Might want to be careful with that first sentence. You used a swear word and that might seriously hurt your fiancé.
If it’s making you uncomfortable then you should back off. If it’s not and you are just being cautious then continue being friends and if she makes a move then deal with it when the time comes.
That’s not a kink, that’s a porn addiction. He needs professional help and you need a spine.
She gave me an option, and I chose to not attend. So yeah, she should be cool irrespective of what choice i make. Thanks!
In the past I did and she mentioned it felt like I treated her less than human because I ‘ignored’ her, but I told her I didn’t feel comfortable being around her so gravitated to other friends
Your approach is terrible. You should have waited to see if co dom stock would be depleting now this ship has already sunk. Do not rush things like that. Incidentally what she has said may be true, but if it isn't you will see signs eventually anyway. As long as you recognise sth as suspicious and don't jump the gun you can find out what is going on. At this point I would trust her, but you do you.
With that said her being cheated on doesn't necessarily mean she won't cheat on you. In fact if it was abusive should she cheat it would likely be eith her ex.
Still don't assume as anything bad has happened and don't torment her with constant accusations. If you want to stay with her just decide she hasn't cheated on you and continue with this mindset until you get reason to doubt her again.
You should tell him you dumped him then block him.
Your bf is a moron. Don’t put up with this shit. Men and women can be friends but this kind of sketchy behavior is what makes it so difficult for the other person in the relationship. I am convinced that some people, men and women have no way to tell when they are attracted to someone and have no idea how to check themselves. He needs to check himself. If he doesn’t profusely apologize and modify his behavior. I would yeet myself out of there.
I mean, it's not ideal but she was a victim and that pressure is larger than the weight of the world and I dont think its our place to say that it's “fucked up”. That's overly callous.
You are selfish. Let her go, you aren’t compatible.
Yeah, but would you then make him apologise for being upset and not getting over your laughing.
It’s got me confused because she talks to me about all the other guys that hit on her at work but she says she rejects them. I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t have any problem finding someone else to give her a ride.
Hi! If you haven't already, please talk to your doctor about your suicidal thoughts. You could have PPD on top of going through everything with a crappy partner.
It is your gain that he left. That beautiful baby and you will definitely be okay, and just be the best coparents you can be (even if he as an ahole.)
This is the likely answer.
Excuse me, can people really be so dense? Really. The post is about his PE, not their entire sex life. Also, why, if sex with him is supposedly so bad for the wife hasn’t she left, or, since she seemed to have known for a very long time, why hasn’t se said a thing about seeing a doctor? I want to believe she hasn’t married him the day after they met, that they had had sex a few times at least before marrying, and she chose to. She than says nothing about solving the problem and doesn’t leave. How did you come to the conclusion that he does nothing to make sex pleasurable for her?
Also, if this was about a woman getting pregnant and being terrified of it because she didn’t knew that sex could result in a pregnancy (and they exist thanks to good-ol’-Christian-values) I’m sure not so many people would blast her, but since PE is so much antithetical to masculinity it must be a great topic to shame people right?
Some grow up without knowing anything more about sex than the inaccurate shit their classmates throw around when they are teens, so, why making fun for someone who hasn’t thought about looking into it, when his partner knew and kept her mouth shut?
dude i’d beat his fucking ass
I don't want to be mean but youre 25. Full grown adult. Why would you have sex with a total stranger without condoms? He didn't force you into it so idk why all the blame is on him. Do you not care about stds? Like if you get so much anxiety from asking someone to put on a condom them maybe you shouldn't have sex at all. Bring a condom next time, and tell him to use it or sex aint happening. If you cant do this then maybe take some time to work on yourself.
so he lied to you and has the audacity to get mad when you are hurt about deception… yeah i know its a meme that this sub says to break up to much but girl you need to ditch this trash
If you have to debate it, then you're done thinking about it.
There may be some thing a doctor can do or has access to would have him go to the doctor.
Have you and your wife been lacking in the intimacy department? I could completely see why she’d feel hurt if you were. Women are taught to take it personally if a man says no to sex, but also I find it a bit childish she’s gone so far to throw a tantrum to spend the night in another bedroom.
and fuck what he wants and needs great resolution
Ok but let’s just say maybe OP did want sex for his bday but didn’t even ask for it bc maybe his wife shuts him down a lot. I’m not saying that’s the case but maybe she was thinking she would surprise him. I don’t think that the answer here is black and white. I’m just thinking they probably need to communicate better. But if OP really did just want a sandwich and she didn’t do that one thing than that would be messed up. I think we need more context OP about y’all’s relationship.
I believe couples should have the same core values in order to last long term. My husband and I value loyalty and have been happily married for decades, but if he came to and suddenly changed his mind about that I don’t know if I’d ever see him the same way.
It’s not uncommon for partners to ‘open’ their marriage or relationship as an excuse to cheat. I speak from experience. My SO told me to look on Tinder and do other stuff (I didn’t) but meanwhile she was talking to other men. She felt she could absolve herself of guilt by it.
The rooster needs to be on a farm not cooped up inside an apartment. Get him re-homed before you two end up evicted.
Please use paragraphs.
Wtf. The man can book on-line, wear a mask when he enters to get the key (he could even tell them the situation and have them leave them on the desk and walk away) and then go to the room and shut his door. He doesn’t have to go anywhere else. He can order food and have it delivered and never come in contact with another human until he’s done isolating. That same scenario is not easily replicated at home. And adding a whole lot of space between himself and the baby is the responsible thing to do.
Focus on the health of your unborn child. In the end that's all that matters. Be happy you have 3 healthy children.
Its ok, we all say stuff we dont mean in the heat of the moment. I am not going to take your comment to heart, I dont even know you, as you can see I have far bigger issues.
These kids do need protecting from their father but your wife needs to be taking the lead, not you going aggro. Be smart, document evidence as it happens, hopefully if you don’t have full custody his behavior will damn him enough for you to get it
So you're saying it's accepted by society that women are supposed to say no but it's not accepted by men that they should hear the word no?
It's not throwing away years. You were together and happy, and if you leave now, you will keep some dignity and self-respect. That's personal growth.
You're learning right now what it's like to be in denial.
Read this post and was like early 20's are rough.
Looks back at the title: a 35 year old who hasn't gotten over his average dick.
Sorry OP. You're with someone with no chill and insecurities that aren't going anywhere.
OP, Your BF is 41 and you're telling us that at his age he is not financially stable??? Like what? That is so NOT attractive, do you think he'll magically get his shit together? I doubt that, he'll always be a useless trash. Also, all your friends and your mother are correct, he is basically using you for sex, companionship & money. At your age, you should be enjoying your life with friends and enjoying the dating scene. There is in fact a reason why your BF doesn't date women his age, bc they will NOT tolerate your BF's BS. Unlike you, you don't see any of his red flags bc you barely have life experience. Please don't waste your younger years on some old fart garbage like your BF. Date someone your age, that way both of your can grow and experience life TOGETHER.
I’m so sorry this is happening, Honey, but he is right. Having children is something both parents have to be 100% on board about. There is no compromise. A child isn’t something you can change your mind about or send back. If you had proceeded with the relationship and had kids, you very possibly resent the child which isn’t fair to anyone involved. If you didn’t have children, he would be unfulfilled and become resentful. Either way, your marriage would suffer and may end in divorce. It’s better to end it now than later when a child is involved or one of you hates the other.
Peace and understanding to you.
Will a new dude is running a train on “his” “girlfriend”.
You’re asking for real advice so here is my real advice: don’t meet up. If your meeting has to be a secret, it’s because he’s up to no good. I do get he’s a celeb and paparazzi may follow, but what’s the secret if they do? Who would be upset if they saw? I think the answer is that his wife would be. You should not meet with anyone, that you can’t tell at least one friend or family about. You have your own safety to consider. Someone should know where you’re at and who you’re with. Sure he’s famous, but it’s still an internet/stranger meeting. You have a right to be cautious going in and it doesn’t sound like he cares about you and what this means for you.
I think it just bodes too poorly for him. He clearly has a weird hang up or fixation on younger women, whatever that means. It could mean a lot of things, but the point is it feels gross because it IS gross. Idk if I could move forward with someone after finding out that information. Just too predatory and premeditated for this dating landscape.
he immediately started telling me how great he thought I was and that's he not that serious about the age thing
He's literally lying. He specifically set his dating profile for women 26 and younger. In what world is that not serious? Even if meeting you has magically changed his mind, I still wouldn't want to be with someone who acts like that.
Yeah, that only make it worse
I’m refusing cuz I already thought all these options through. Like I said, they wouldn’t work. I’m just looking for an option that would actually work.
RUN
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for nearly 10 years now
Cool, so you were 15 & 16 years old. Move on and find someone new and more mature. You still have the same dynamic as high schoolers. Time to see what's out there before committing to children for the rest of your life!!
He wants to get married and then delay until you are ‘less selfish and childish’. ?
He thinks his need to procreate is more important than your physical health. ?
He thinks you should be just fine with him banging other women AND essentially abandoning them once they get pregnant. ?
He lost his shit when you said no. ?
His friends and family are trying to state that you need to have kids (misogynistic bs ) ?
No one ‘needs children’. They aren’t a damn accessory or ego booster either.
Get you personal birth control in order, preferably something he can’t tamper with.
Get your ass out asap and find someone who sees you as more than his personal womb.
Nah. This can change. 30 isn't that old.
Maybe I didn't explain well jn my post.
He's not moving out BECAUSE of this. He's moving out because he can't plan, upsets my daughter who has autism even when I've asked him to just not engage with her and ask me as I'll deal with it, his kids have behavioural issues, he won't respect my boundaries about important things, I did 95% of the cleaning and all-five child management for the first two years of our relationship, and then when I stopped he started to find it all too naked (even though his job means more “down time” hours than mine).
So he's not moving out about this. That was incidental.
what do you want him to do? I would have no fn clue. Talk to him.. ask him. I'll bet he'll support you if you teach him how. If he refuses.. then that means he doesn't care. If he accepts and supports you, then you know he's just dense…. and that's not always a deal breaker on it's own.
Cut all contact. I promise, you will find other men. They will be your age or a little older. You don’t want 20 years older.
ABUSE IS NEVER A HARMLESS JOKE
I would probably go see a lawyer and see what your options are. He clearly doesn't respect you and the more chances you give him the less he will.
But he intentionally withheld information and then made me feel like I was the crazy one. I think he ask said “I’ve told you everything” before actually telling me everything. I can’t be certain anymore cause I wasn’t wide awake.
In regards to fb, I’m not sure what he has done there.
Very warm words and advices. Thank u vary much, sir!
i wish i could unread this.
it unfortunately doesn’t seem as if you to are on the same page, she seems to want a partnership, instead of having a man lead the relationship.
What goodness does she add to your life? What are the benefits of being with her? If they don't heavily outweigh her negative attributes, I suggest you dump her. ?
Jealousy is a harsh master, save yourself a lot of trouble and let her walk away for good.
Resentment will definitely build. I’m not going to pretend like I’m in the healthiest relationship ever. I’ve been with my SO for nearly 9 years now. He still hasn’t proposed, we have talked about it, he says he will, he never does. I resent the shit out of him. I keep telling myself I’m going to leave on X date then I don’t. I have watched so many of his friends meet new girls, propose, and get married during the course of our relationship. It’s infuriating. Someday I will work up the nerve to dump him. For now I’m just quietly getting madder and madder. OPs girlfriend is too.
What’s your place like?
Holy shit dude I dunno how to get the police involved but… I mean have you tried just like going to the police station and talking to someone? Just telling them the info you have and see what they can do with it legally and then you just walk away. You don't need to be around this mess friend… make sure you check all your personal electronics too! Make sure nothing was viewed on your computer or anything.
It comes with experience that I say two depressed people should not date each other. Neither of you can handle each other, neither of you can put out the other’s flames. This is headed for disaster if you don’t break up.
If I completly break up, wouldn't it be okay not to block her? To give her the oportunity to say her side of the story and, maybe ask for forgivness?
Pet's are for life. Period.
Fake.
Your husband is gay
Okay it’s also probably “healthier” for us to pass gas or defecate as soon as we feel the need, but we on-line in a society with other people who have to smell us, so we use bathrooms and we wash every day.
He’s an idiot. Break up with him and move on.
Your trust is already gone. Even if it could be proved beyond a doubt this lady's kids aren't his, you'd never trust that he didn't have a physical affair with her (or others) based on your comments.
Also (probably rightly so) you have no time for the counselors/pastor who are telling you that your accusations are false. Even if this man is telling you God's honest truth, your ability to trust him is irrevocably broken and I doubt there's anything that he could do or say which would bring that back.
Either on-line in constant suspicion of this man and other women, or sleep well at night having left him because you now KNOW he will never cheat on you again – because he can't cheat on you when you leave him.
she established a boundary and you keep disrespecting it. grow up and stop being a perv. here's how many times you ignored her boundaries.
asked if her boobs looked bigger asking if you can kiss them which she shot down by offering her lips cheeks and forehead you replied you wanted to kiss her body after she specified which parts you can kiss telling her you want to do unspeakable things to her
all if this AFTER SHE CLEARLY STATED SHE DOESN'T WANT YOU INITIATING ANYTHING SEXUAL UNTIL SHE'S READY.
she deserves a guy who respects her wishes, it's obviously not you
Maybe just maybe she doesn't want to be associated with a dirty old man
I think this warrants an underscore re your personal sense of self value. Do not put yourself down and if you have a moment of weakness, do not disparage yourself in front of your daughter. She can internalize this behavior and have similar thoughts about herself. That can lead to a lifetime of harm for her. You are strong and clearly capable. This is the message to send to your child, so she can possess the same mindset about herself.
You keep making it easy for him. If you don't leave him, you're enabling him. Obviously he's lying. The question is why are you still around?
Leave. There's no “winning” here. The only way to win is to leave and not play this game.
Trade last names just to really confuse people
It sounds like he has low self-esteem/lack of confidence, and that's why he acts out in situations where he doesn't feel good enough. That can be annoying, but it's not really a big enough reason to say he wouldn't make a good partner to her.
If you had doubts about him, you should have voiced them sooner to her. To say something now that they are planning to get married is a bad call. She's not in an abusive relationship, as far as you know. Just because he has some behaviors you do not like does not mean he won't be a good husband to her. But either way, at this point she is an adult and can make her own decision. I think you overstepped by telling her you did not like him. Of course that would cause a rift between the two of you.
The marriage may last, or it may not, but it is her choice to marry this guy. If she does have problems in the marriage, she is unlikely to turn to you for help and support now, since she knows you do not like him.
I think you should apologize to her.
You hold resentment for your gf having a sexual life before you? Bro, go to therapy. That’s not normal.
Yeah these are like some of the worst excuses on the planet. If there was ever any doubt about the situation he basically self snitched with those
Turn up the tunes whenever you are in his room!
Another easy solution is to take the mattress off the bed frame, and lay it directly on the floor.
Yeah, hopefully I’ll be able to put this advice into action !! for real I needed the reassurance??
You married a cheater and she cheated on you again. Are you really surprised? It won’t be the last time.