There's only one simple answer to this. It all depends on how important it is to you, that your partner is more fiery like you.
Here is an example of a list of values one might consider to look for in a potential partner:
Just a couple examples:
– Emotionally intelligent (emotional, empathy) – Knowledgable and experienced – Handsome/Cute – Loyal/Truthful – Matches your personality – Has long hair or a certain color of eyes – Is a sexual person with a high sex drive / libido – Confident and willing to step up for their partner – Isn't afraid to share their opinion
Now, in the end we all choose for ourselves what we find most important to have in a relationship. Is it really important that we have a naked girlfriend or boyfriend? or is it more important that they are loyal and speak the truth?
Is it important they match our personality?
All these questions are given value by one person. YOU. You decide how important it is to you. And to decide whether or not it is a dealbreaker if your partner lacks any of these values.
Don't try to add things to your partner that they don't have. If this truly bothers you and you feel yourself uncomfortable seeing a future with this man, then perhaps you cannot truly accept him for who he is. And that's okay. He may not be the right one for you.
If however you are comfortable with the way things are, then you should learn to let certain expectations go 🙂
thank you. it wasnt scary more likes scared id make him mad! bc i didnt want to make him mad or uneasy. hes very small and thin so i wasnt scared of him more so the emotional aspect of me making my partner mad…
I mean you can't really get mad at her for talking to other guys when she didn't want to be in a relationship. I have a feeling she got mad at you because of how the way you're approaching this entire thing? It's just odd.
From your comments it seems like you’re unwilling to take advice. Of course the best case is he deleted them and is just holding it over your head. Likely case is he didn’t and he will save them in a folder or distribute them. Obviously this is a shit situation and it’s going to be annoying and messy to get out of. Threaten him with legal action. Tell his mom. Tell your mom. Look at the porn laws in your state. If he distributes them you can call the police. It won’t stop others from seeing them but it is revenge porn and he will get in trouble if you’re relentless. (I’m also 18F)
Not only did this guy neg the hell out ofyou, he also (buried in the OP!!) tried to *fondle* you a couple of times? Tanya wants you to make nice because she does'nt care that her bf is an asshole to you, she only wants everyone to get along for her sake. That's what's going on here. Not only that, she's telling you you are too sensitive (gaslighting you). I don't know, I'd drop a friend who treated me in this way and chose a shitty guy over my comfort & safety. Just me.
There’s absolutely nothing that can be done about this. If someone is so insecure they can’t get over knowing what an ex looks like after they went looking, that’s a them problem not a relationship problem. They have to figure out if they can move past this or not.
She sounds exhausted from her work, give her a break. Try to help her maximise on her rest. Listen to her when she tells you that she doesn't like something, as otherwise sex will feel one-sided and performative. Everyone has kinks, have you explored yours yet?
Yeah. I doubt she's trying to eat random ass, too. My main thing is, she 100% could have brought it up and done it in front of me and we all could have had a laugh if it were that innocent, but something made her wait until she thought I was gone.
To me, that says she wasn't too drunk to be aware that she probably shouldn't be doing it, but still chose to anyway. I think you hit the nail on the head. It was trashy, it was shady. It's not something you do in a serious relationship. It also suggests “I want attention.”
This made me tear up because it’s to true. I got her medical insurance so she can get better mentally and physically. But she’s so anxious to take any actions. One thing I left out she had an emotional breakdown and left me and went home with someone else at the bar. I’ve been cheated on my previous relationship so I can’t get over it. She said she didn’t do anything but my gut says otherwise. My gut and brain tells me to leave her but my heart tells me to stay. I’m just so hurt and I know I’ve done wrong with her during our arguments but it was from past experiences. I don’t know why it’s so naked to leave. I’ve never felt such a deep connection but it all feels like a lie. Thank you so much for responding, I’m just hurting.
You are dependent, not in love. If you truly loved this guy, it would have hurt you immensely to do things like all the lying and sleeping with other people. And you know yourself that you were bad together.
You can get over your feelings in time. Learn how to value yourself, re-assess your standards and focus on growth and productive life goals.
At age 30, he was more than old enough to know how to behave better (but he wasn't). So you should focus on being a better person, and don't follow in his footsteps! You can still turn a lot of stuff around in your life, but only if you learn how to set down boundaries between yourself and people who influence you for the worse, learning how to cut people who are bad for you out of your life altogether.
Breakup can be difficult even when you're getting over a bad relationship. But you gotta learn how to process this stuf if you're to ever move on and build a better life for yourself (with better people in it too!).
You broke a huge promise you made to her while she was recovering from delivering YOUR child. You're an idiot and you have really damaged your relationship. It looks like you're trying to downplay what you did.
The fact that she was in recovery from giving birth makes this 10000x more horrible.
You both should work on controlling your anxiety and improving your self esteem because being jealous over masterbation honestly is somthing that’s very healing once you get over it.. your partnership becomes closer and healthier without needing to control the others actions to calm your anxiety over your own self esteem.
Working on this is very empowering on a personal level as well.
I’m just very confused about the whole situation, calling him doesn’t make sense to me (but I guess they were drunk) it’s not like like could come pick her up?
I didn’t think it was the main issue, just confused why they chose to involve him at all, especially at 3am.
Honestly I think your post is really sweet. It seems like you're really understanding of why the situation is like it is, but you just miss intimacy with your wife.
I don't really have any advice (no kids yet), but I just wanna say you're really not wrong for trying to improve your sex life. Even after kids, it's part of a healthy marriage and it deserves attention.
Unless you are perfect, you are not good enough in her eyes. Rough? Yes. But true. She may grow out of this shallow mindset, she may not. And until she does, do you really want to be put in a closet every time you have a blemish? She only took care of you with the ankle because it wasn't ugly and she could play up nursing you to her “fans”. Are you really willing to be second fiddle to that?
There's not much room for compromise here. It's not like you can just kind of have another kid. One of you is going to have to take one for the team. So no, it's not too early to have this conversation because this could be a deal breaker for either one of you, and if it is, better to figure it out now.
Kids are massive commitments. You already know this, and with three between you already, he's not out of line to think that's plenty.
You're not wrong for wanting to have another one, either. There's no bad guy in this scenario, but one of you is still going to lose. Whether you can take the loss remains to be determined, but it's going to happen.
Have this talk and have it soon. Don't wait until you're 5 years down the road and married, with the lives of both your families fully entangled before decide you can't work it out.
Yes I have worked to not talk to him when I'm in affect. And we communicate pretty well and we on-line in a small ski resort village because I'm living in my dad's old house (my childhood home) cause I got no other choice. We have little money so we have to live where it's cheap, wich is here.
But we don't like it here, we have nothing to do. We don't ski, we don't love outdoors camping stuff , but when the sun is shining we are outside because our daughter needs vitamin D and fresh air.
But we have nothing to do and he take a medicine that makes him tired so he needs to be mentally stimulated he says or else he falls a sleep. But it only happens if he lay down on the floor, sofa etc.
But he says his bored but I say he can play with the kids but after I while he gets tired and puts up his cellphone or computer or TV.
He didn't want kids from the beginning but he loves the kids but I think my daughter don't feel the love when he play this much. I mean they are here now so either be a dad or not. His choice.
There is no fixing stuff with her. You had a physical altercation. Adults don’t do that. She is separating herself from the situation for her safety and peace of mind.
Think fancy is an abstract kind of word. Everyone has a different view on what is fancy or expensive. Some would think paying money for a venue and having a buffet is fancy where some would think it's bare minimum. Unless she declares what she thinks is inexpensive, then it's up for everyone to impose their own standards/definition.
Why do you need to know her in any way? The person you need to trust here is your boyfriend. The only reason why you need or want to know her is to find a reason why he should not be allowed to meet her.
It is simple:
You either trust your boyfriend fully and give him the same rights you are demanding for yourself, or you don't do it, set up this doublestandard and put a massive chip on your relationship.
There is no solution where you can just ban your boyfriend from doing things while you do whatever you want. There will always be consequences for these actions.
Using your living situation as a threat in arguments is abusive. I'm guessing it's not even the only example in your relationship. I'm not going to pretend to be an expert but in his book “Why Does He Do That” Dr. Lundy expresses that traditional therapy cannot help with abusive men and they need to be in abuse programs and even then, he admits, the success rates are low. Therapy itself can in fact (again according to Dr. Lundy) make some abusers more dangerous. This is especially true for couples counseling. Do not do that with him.
He needs to be in a program where they call and get your side, but couples therapy itself works on the premise that you both have things to fix and cand be used to further control “okay I won't make those threats as long as you no longer go out with friends I don't like” kinda thing.
I know it's cliche but honestly the best thing you could do is stay gone. Don't get back with him and take care of you. This should also include no contact as manipulators are great at dragging us back in.
As a dude, I would go with he’s having sex less often, therefore less “stamina”. For me personally developing feelings isn’t going to get me off faster
I think you’re more understanding than most people would be. The fact that she lied to you multiple times about this guy just raises just huge red flags and then you said that they work together or somehow are with each other because of work? So he’s always going to be in the picture with her There will never be just her and you he would be there so you can take that along with the fact that she’s lied about him this is somebody that she’s had sex with and has lied to you multiple times I don’t see why you shouldn’t spend or put any more effort into this. When you have a relationship with somebody you should have boundaries and those boundaries need to be pretty rigid if you’re gonna keep a good relationship, healthy.
I would write an anonymous letter saying you overheard him saying he was in love with you from a 3rd party perspective.
You gotta tell her but she won't believe you. If it comes from an anonymous source she might consider it to be true.
There's only one simple answer to this. It all depends on how important it is to you, that your partner is more fiery like you.
Here is an example of a list of values one might consider to look for in a potential partner:
Just a couple examples:
– Emotionally intelligent (emotional, empathy) – Knowledgable and experienced – Handsome/Cute – Loyal/Truthful – Matches your personality – Has long hair or a certain color of eyes – Is a sexual person with a high sex drive / libido – Confident and willing to step up for their partner – Isn't afraid to share their opinion
Now, in the end we all choose for ourselves what we find most important to have in a relationship. Is it really important that we have a naked girlfriend or boyfriend? or is it more important that they are loyal and speak the truth?
Is it important they match our personality?
All these questions are given value by one person. YOU. You decide how important it is to you. And to decide whether or not it is a dealbreaker if your partner lacks any of these values.
Don't try to add things to your partner that they don't have. If this truly bothers you and you feel yourself uncomfortable seeing a future with this man, then perhaps you cannot truly accept him for who he is. And that's okay. He may not be the right one for you.
If however you are comfortable with the way things are, then you should learn to let certain expectations go 🙂
thank you. it wasnt scary more likes scared id make him mad! bc i didnt want to make him mad or uneasy. hes very small and thin so i wasnt scared of him more so the emotional aspect of me making my partner mad…
idk i blamed myself a loy
I mean you can't really get mad at her for talking to other guys when she didn't want to be in a relationship. I have a feeling she got mad at you because of how the way you're approaching this entire thing? It's just odd.
From your comments it seems like you’re unwilling to take advice. Of course the best case is he deleted them and is just holding it over your head. Likely case is he didn’t and he will save them in a folder or distribute them. Obviously this is a shit situation and it’s going to be annoying and messy to get out of. Threaten him with legal action. Tell his mom. Tell your mom. Look at the porn laws in your state. If he distributes them you can call the police. It won’t stop others from seeing them but it is revenge porn and he will get in trouble if you’re relentless. (I’m also 18F)
!Remindme in 7 days
He needs to either get a 2nd or refinance his house to pay the debt.
And they more than likely “made” you sign because he didn’t have the credit score to do it on his own.
Please leave him. Please.
Not only did this guy neg the hell out ofyou, he also (buried in the OP!!) tried to *fondle* you a couple of times? Tanya wants you to make nice because she does'nt care that her bf is an asshole to you, she only wants everyone to get along for her sake. That's what's going on here. Not only that, she's telling you you are too sensitive (gaslighting you). I don't know, I'd drop a friend who treated me in this way and chose a shitty guy over my comfort & safety. Just me.
There’s absolutely nothing that can be done about this. If someone is so insecure they can’t get over knowing what an ex looks like after they went looking, that’s a them problem not a relationship problem. They have to figure out if they can move past this or not.
She sounds exhausted from her work, give her a break. Try to help her maximise on her rest. Listen to her when she tells you that she doesn't like something, as otherwise sex will feel one-sided and performative. Everyone has kinks, have you explored yours yet?
Yeah. I doubt she's trying to eat random ass, too. My main thing is, she 100% could have brought it up and done it in front of me and we all could have had a laugh if it were that innocent, but something made her wait until she thought I was gone.
To me, that says she wasn't too drunk to be aware that she probably shouldn't be doing it, but still chose to anyway. I think you hit the nail on the head. It was trashy, it was shady. It's not something you do in a serious relationship. It also suggests “I want attention.”
they're in marriage counseling for some issues and her husband's best friend is also a woman dated in college
This made me tear up because it’s to true. I got her medical insurance so she can get better mentally and physically. But she’s so anxious to take any actions. One thing I left out she had an emotional breakdown and left me and went home with someone else at the bar. I’ve been cheated on my previous relationship so I can’t get over it. She said she didn’t do anything but my gut says otherwise. My gut and brain tells me to leave her but my heart tells me to stay. I’m just so hurt and I know I’ve done wrong with her during our arguments but it was from past experiences. I don’t know why it’s so naked to leave. I’ve never felt such a deep connection but it all feels like a lie. Thank you so much for responding, I’m just hurting.
You are getting blisters on your penis? Bro… what? That's not normal. See a doctor. Take a test.
He has never threatened me
Sue her pants off
Way to high maintenance! Swipe into oblivion! Better luck next time! Best wishes and many Blessings!
Lol, maybe more common than other places but it isnt “extremely common” there.
What you think Reddit is everywhere EXCEPT the Bible Belt? You really dont think a single one of the 116 comments here are from a Bible Belter?
Girl Reddit is THE ENTIRE WORLD, youre getting advice from people EVERYWHERE
You are dependent, not in love. If you truly loved this guy, it would have hurt you immensely to do things like all the lying and sleeping with other people. And you know yourself that you were bad together.
You can get over your feelings in time. Learn how to value yourself, re-assess your standards and focus on growth and productive life goals.
At age 30, he was more than old enough to know how to behave better (but he wasn't). So you should focus on being a better person, and don't follow in his footsteps! You can still turn a lot of stuff around in your life, but only if you learn how to set down boundaries between yourself and people who influence you for the worse, learning how to cut people who are bad for you out of your life altogether.
Breakup can be difficult even when you're getting over a bad relationship. But you gotta learn how to process this stuf if you're to ever move on and build a better life for yourself (with better people in it too!).
You broke a huge promise you made to her while she was recovering from delivering YOUR child. You're an idiot and you have really damaged your relationship. It looks like you're trying to downplay what you did.
The fact that she was in recovery from giving birth makes this 10000x more horrible.
Or she does find him attractive but feels guilty about it and isn’t trying to mess your shit up.
Today. As soon as possible. Birthday is really not a big deal.
You both should work on controlling your anxiety and improving your self esteem because being jealous over masterbation honestly is somthing that’s very healing once you get over it.. your partnership becomes closer and healthier without needing to control the others actions to calm your anxiety over your own self esteem.
Working on this is very empowering on a personal level as well.
I’m just very confused about the whole situation, calling him doesn’t make sense to me (but I guess they were drunk) it’s not like like could come pick her up?
I didn’t think it was the main issue, just confused why they chose to involve him at all, especially at 3am.
His version of a committed relationship is different than 99.9999% of the population.
You need to find a new friend. She's still friends with the man who raped you.
Honestly I think your post is really sweet. It seems like you're really understanding of why the situation is like it is, but you just miss intimacy with your wife.
I don't really have any advice (no kids yet), but I just wanna say you're really not wrong for trying to improve your sex life. Even after kids, it's part of a healthy marriage and it deserves attention.
Uhhh fuck this “friend” he sounds like he was absolutely being serious
I think the fact she brought it up on the first date means she’s pretty far into it ?
Unless you are perfect, you are not good enough in her eyes. Rough? Yes. But true. She may grow out of this shallow mindset, she may not. And until she does, do you really want to be put in a closet every time you have a blemish? She only took care of you with the ankle because it wasn't ugly and she could play up nursing you to her “fans”. Are you really willing to be second fiddle to that?
If he’s not the one being careless and causing damage, why should he? Why do you have that expectation
There's not much room for compromise here. It's not like you can just kind of have another kid. One of you is going to have to take one for the team. So no, it's not too early to have this conversation because this could be a deal breaker for either one of you, and if it is, better to figure it out now.
Kids are massive commitments. You already know this, and with three between you already, he's not out of line to think that's plenty.
You're not wrong for wanting to have another one, either. There's no bad guy in this scenario, but one of you is still going to lose. Whether you can take the loss remains to be determined, but it's going to happen.
Have this talk and have it soon. Don't wait until you're 5 years down the road and married, with the lives of both your families fully entangled before decide you can't work it out.
Yes I have worked to not talk to him when I'm in affect. And we communicate pretty well and we on-line in a small ski resort village because I'm living in my dad's old house (my childhood home) cause I got no other choice. We have little money so we have to live where it's cheap, wich is here.
But we don't like it here, we have nothing to do. We don't ski, we don't love outdoors camping stuff , but when the sun is shining we are outside because our daughter needs vitamin D and fresh air.
But we have nothing to do and he take a medicine that makes him tired so he needs to be mentally stimulated he says or else he falls a sleep. But it only happens if he lay down on the floor, sofa etc.
But he says his bored but I say he can play with the kids but after I while he gets tired and puts up his cellphone or computer or TV.
He didn't want kids from the beginning but he loves the kids but I think my daughter don't feel the love when he play this much. I mean they are here now so either be a dad or not. His choice.
Thanks for the advice from a gamer.
What a wall of assumptions.
Enjoy being bitter.
There is no fixing stuff with her. You had a physical altercation. Adults don’t do that. She is separating herself from the situation for her safety and peace of mind.
Think fancy is an abstract kind of word. Everyone has a different view on what is fancy or expensive. Some would think paying money for a venue and having a buffet is fancy where some would think it's bare minimum. Unless she declares what she thinks is inexpensive, then it's up for everyone to impose their own standards/definition.
Your gf is crazy af.
Why do you need to know her in any way? The person you need to trust here is your boyfriend. The only reason why you need or want to know her is to find a reason why he should not be allowed to meet her.
It is simple:
You either trust your boyfriend fully and give him the same rights you are demanding for yourself, or you don't do it, set up this doublestandard and put a massive chip on your relationship.
There is no solution where you can just ban your boyfriend from doing things while you do whatever you want. There will always be consequences for these actions.
I wouldn't date him. Cocaine leads to other more potent drugs when he become accustomed to that high. You are signing up for an addict.
Sorry dude, you married a violent asshole.
She needs therapy alone. You two need therapy together.
I wouldn’t respond a all. She doesn’t really deserve one.
No, thanks.
You can have any deal breaker you want, and I agree an animal with this kind of hold would be a deal breaker.
Neither of you are wrong – just different expectations. Best try and find a middle ground where you are both happy.
Break up with her
Using your living situation as a threat in arguments is abusive. I'm guessing it's not even the only example in your relationship. I'm not going to pretend to be an expert but in his book “Why Does He Do That” Dr. Lundy expresses that traditional therapy cannot help with abusive men and they need to be in abuse programs and even then, he admits, the success rates are low. Therapy itself can in fact (again according to Dr. Lundy) make some abusers more dangerous. This is especially true for couples counseling. Do not do that with him.
He needs to be in a program where they call and get your side, but couples therapy itself works on the premise that you both have things to fix and cand be used to further control “okay I won't make those threats as long as you no longer go out with friends I don't like” kinda thing.
I know it's cliche but honestly the best thing you could do is stay gone. Don't get back with him and take care of you. This should also include no contact as manipulators are great at dragging us back in.
As a dude, I would go with he’s having sex less often, therefore less “stamina”. For me personally developing feelings isn’t going to get me off faster
I think you’re more understanding than most people would be. The fact that she lied to you multiple times about this guy just raises just huge red flags and then you said that they work together or somehow are with each other because of work? So he’s always going to be in the picture with her There will never be just her and you he would be there so you can take that along with the fact that she’s lied about him this is somebody that she’s had sex with and has lied to you multiple times I don’t see why you shouldn’t spend or put any more effort into this. When you have a relationship with somebody you should have boundaries and those boundaries need to be pretty rigid if you’re gonna keep a good relationship, healthy.