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Lia and Erik, 21 y.o.
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Date: March 25, 2023
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I redid it yesterday and am going on a date today! Thank you for the encouragement
Nothing that you wrote makes it sound like he’s attracted to his own mother. He’s close to his mom, if my dad was still alive I would probably talk to him every day too.
So why the hell is he making you jump through hoops to stay in this, in my opinion, absolutely shit marriage but his lazy ass doesn't have to do anything for his PTSD, ADHD and whatever else is wrong with him? Why does he get that free pass to be an abusive jackass? You need to lay down a firm boundary that there is no way in hell he gets ANY access to you and gets to ignore his daughter. Separate from him and let him deal with his own midlife crisis. Tbh I wouldn't want such an evil and cruel person back.
You didn't do anything wrong. He betrayed you and his wife. Good on you for informing his wife, that is definitely something she needs to know moving forward, or for the divorce.
He showed you who he truly was when it wasn't going his way and I know that must have hurt a lot. It can definitely make it hot to trust again, but let some time pass and maybe talk to someone. Time has a way of softening these Things
You need to get a lawyer now. She wants to pack up, get sole custody, and move across the country with your kids? She's not going to try and let you have a relationship with them. She'll visit once and you'll not see them again. This is super fishy. I get that she's hurt but she's going to isolate you from your children and if you value your relationship with them you need to get legal advice stat.
^ This person is also Sneako levels of Insecure.
You put down boundaries and told her that you would leave if she did not follow them. She has informed you that she does not care about your boundaries or even for that matter if you leave. It's really not that hot you have two choices. Leave like you said you would and try to move on or stay and show her that you care as little about your own boundaries as she clearly does.
Someone previously being a sugar baby has no impact whatsoever on someone’s current partner.
The actual issue here is that OP’s current partner seems to be a judgmental jerk.
I just read that one today too!
I’m an O3 in the guard (prior active.) Every unit I’ve been in has had a gay guy. My current unit has two open lesbians who are in relationships.
Literally no one cares.
You do not need to hide who you are, but you don’t have to disclose it either. It’s no one’s business. Do what makes you feel comfortable.
I certainly had some thoughts when just reading the title alone, but when you said that when he texted that he failed that you knew a break or breakup was coming, that put reality a bit more into perspective, which you all but confirmed in the next sentence.
For you to be sitting here making an assumption like that means that you've been in an unhealthy relationship for quite some time. If you fundamentally know that him receiving a failing grade, which is completely unrelated to your relationship, will cause him to end your relationship, it's a monumental problem.
When you say your relationship hadn't been “smooth sailing” but had finally stabilized, all you've told us is that the issues in your relationships have never been sustainably addressed, but you've settled on just being calm. You should never have to sit in a relationship fearing that a single moment will ruin everything. If that's the case, your relationship is legitimately ruined and you need to leave it.
Now, I was going to say that you were being unreasonable in insisting to see him when he wanted to be alone after receiving bad news (which would absolutely be true in most contexts), he didn't ask for a day to relax; he asked for a break from the relationship. Again, that's not a normal reaction to the given situation. A day or two to process and things and unwind alone? Fine. But he suggested a long-term pause of your relationship. Him failing an exam warrants that?
I do think you're probably frustrating to deal with, refuse to listen to what people say, and are relentless, but there's two important things to consider; first, you're young, inexperienced, and immature. I'm sorry for coming off as mean in saying that, and I'm promise you that's not my intention; it's simply reality. I've been there, I get it. That's the reason I give advice on here. Full disclosure to you though, I'm a guy, and I'm happily married. I tell you this for a few reasons; first, I don't want to sit here and imply that I'm a woman because that would be dishonest to you when I tell you 'I get it.” I get it from a relationship perspective. Second, I'm not here being negative for the sake of being negative; I love love and I wish you nothing but the absolute best. Finally, it's easier for me to see reality than the person in the actual situation when you're blinded by love. I digress.
After saying all that, let's just focus on reality; he wants a break because his mental state will negatively impact your relationship. I mean, that will always be the case. But why make an assumption? How does he just throw out an arbitrary timeline of “5+ months?” What's that based on?
I'll come back to that, but we need to come back to you. You said you want to be there for him, support him, and not abandon him. The guy is literally telling you to go away. You insisting on sticking around is honestly doing nothing but hurting your case. Not that it matters given the advice I'm ultimately going to give you, but if someone asks you for something and you do everything you can not to do it, all you're doing is telling them that they made the right decision leaving you, because you can't respect their decision and requests.
So now here's what you do; you make it a clean breakup, never look back, and start the process of moving on. You need to understand just how important you making a statement like “waiting 5+ months is completely unfair to me.” Guess what? You're absolutely right. Ignoring the fact that there's no basis behind that random number, you're here being held on a string for half a year while also not knowing if it'll end with a positive result. You have no reason to believe that'll be the case.
Ending things for no reason? How about reality? Your relationship has always been unhealthy. The guy wants to pause your relationship because of HIS issues, for an indefinite time. You're far too worried on coming off as the “bad guy” (to be fair to you, I assure you we all felt that way). But what makes you “wrong?” You're miserable and he's avoiding you. Don't torture yourself. When you're in a healthy relationship, you'll never deal with anything like this. Good luck.
Does she really need 1000 guys to ask her about eating her ass to feel better about herself? It’s so stupid idea.
What the fuck did I just read??
For the love of God don't go through with this and either therapy or leave.. this will be hot to come back from
Going yo be some interesting conversations with bfs when the competition is over. Stupidity rules.
So essentially, things that only have to be done once or very occasionally – not the grinding every day labour of cooking, cleaning, laundry, meal planning, grocery shopping etc which somehow magically seems to automatically fall to women. I guarantee this shit will get worse if you two have kids.
You already know the answer to this situation
This is definitely wrong. Many people have proven not all relationships have expiration dates.
Especially since he's a guy.
So instead of disappointing you by being honest, she chose to financially screw you by being dishonest. That’s not something that someone who cared about you would do.
You should resent her for this, and you should not come to terms with it.
My advice on how to talk to her about this is to tell her what I wrote in the 1st sentence followed by “I no longer consider us BF/GF, I am moving on” along with giving her a box containing whatever personal items you might have that belong to her.
He made her drive over in utter exhaustion after a 24 hour shift during which he knew she’d had a particularly traumatic loss, just so he could refuse to talk to her. To paraphrase George Costanza, she could throw a dart out the window and hit somebody better.
As a guy who earns less than my gf, he’s being such a little bitch. He should be proud of you for doing so well. Whenever my gf gets a raise we celebrate, when she pays for things for me (sure I feel slightly weird) but it’s not a big deal, when she gains or loses weight I support her as long as she’s comfortable in her own skin. You’re supposed to be a team. If he’s so concerned with you earning more than him then he needs to get a better job, not make you feel shitty for it. If he’s so worried about you leaving, he should make it clear that he wants to keep you by going out of his way to make you feel special, not accusing you of cheating. He needs to grow up, and you need to move on (imo)
Also him saying you’ll always be fat should’ve ended the relationship on the spot, I can’t even begin to imagine EVER uttering something so disrespectful to my gf. We’ve been together for 7 years and sure we tease each other, but that is on a whole different level. That’s straight up disrespectful and not something you should tolerate from the one person meant to make you happiest.
How old was he when you started dating cause that age gap when he's only 18 is extremely sus.
Maybe im arguing because ABSOLUTELY NO BODY can respect my choices and answer the fucking question I posted. Everyone’s just choosing to pass fucking judgement it’s kinda disgusting and makes me want to resign from the Reddit community. Now I see how y’all really are.
He simply expects you to be there now and doesn't feel the need to appear to be the man you agreed to marry anymore. He's showing you what your life will be like, I hope you realise you are worth more
What things are you bothered about?
You don't need relationship advice because you are not in a relationship. He is using you. All of the emotional support that you want and deserve isn't there because he isn't feeling it. You must get the courage to leave him and find someone that feels the same about you as you feel about him. Sooner is better than later. Best wishes.
It’s okay. Also when I said it was “relatively thoughtless” that was my own perspective, not necessarily that you think it’s thoughtless. I personally would not be thrilled as a geology person who specifically said “no diamonds” to my partner but you seem to be a bit more patient and understanding than I am lol.
Sounds like she might be depressed. Talk to her about her. Don't think about or mention money. Find out whats bothering her and what really might solve it.
I think he needs to actually see a professional and not rely on you to figure out his sexuality.
And you kept having children with this person??? Jesus.
He's probably really embarrassed. Give it a night and then text him again. Don't push too hot as there could be a lot more going on that your don't know.
Either your BF is bad or your BF is jealous. Reddit isn't the place to figure things out with a snippet of your life.
Only been cheated on once, and it was also in college. Had other relationships where my GFs had some shady behavior and would put themselves in situations that someone in a committed relationship shouldn’t.
All of them had a promiscuous past and talked about fucking random guys like it ain’t no thing. I tried being cool with it and it never worked out.
OPs husband has a right to be mad and the fact she kept this from him leaves only herself to blame.
You’re both extremely young. Got into a relationship extremely young. It wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world to break up and both grow as individuals.
The mistake would be not learning to grow individually and instead just waiting and putting your own life and growth on hold so that you can wait for this person to be ready to be in a relationship with you again. Don’t do that.
This is the prime time for you to online your own life, make your own mistakes and be your own person. Don’t put that on pause for anyone and it will all work out for you in the end.
No you shouldn’t. You were a shit boyfriend and haven’t changed. In fact, you want her to be responsible for your shit behaviour. Plus, you don’t clean up after yourself. She’s probably counting down the days.
Yes, it did, I also had an emotionally abusive ex encouraging mutual friends to, in effect, sexually harass me. It got really gross. My mom is the best. I am so lucky I got out on the other side of it.
Is it possible she has the wrong diagnosis or needs to try a new/switch medication?
Sounds like you just want everything to be about you. You can process this just fine, you’re just choosing not to because people aren’t babying you so you’re throwing a fit. Pull your big girl panties up and stop acting like the world revolves around you.
You said so yourself, this is a YOU problem. Yet you’re trying to find any and every reason you can to blame everyone else even if it’s illogical and irrational. Everything you’ve said on here points to you being a shit stirrer, a drama queen.
Your dads dating life has nothing to do with you and it’s not your partners secret to tell. Your dad kept it from you for a reason, now I see why.
You remind me of my ex best friend, always stirring up shit so she can be the center of attention, even if she has no business doing so. There is a reason we aren’t friends anymore.
My advice is grow up because this is highly immature.
First things first:
Making sexual jokes about a heavier girl at work does NOT mean he likes her.
Quite the contrary!
One doesn't make jokes if one likes.
Don't get stuck on weirdo “logic”.
Second:
If YOU aren't HIS type, then HE isn't yours.
Guys into random other girls than you are no guys to stay with.
That's a nonono. And likely a start into abuse.
“If you only…. (got heavier/ slimmer/ taller/ smaller/ had more boobs/ had less boobs/ had green eyes/ had blue eyes…..) I would like you” …
That's the name of the game.
Setting parameters to fulfill only the abuser is the judge of!
Stay clear of people of that kind.
Just turn around and block him. Don't even argue! It's not worth it and only leads you into being hurt!
Oh god. 🙁 I'm glad you went. I really do think it's best just to get things checked out in case. I'm from the UK though, so I don't need to consider cost when it comes to that but I understand it's not the same for everyone.
The sleeping through it or going back to sleep is definitely concerning as well. I wonder if she knocked you out? I assume they checked you for a concussion as well?
Hope they gave you same pain meds or something! Take it easy for a bit!
Oh god. 🙁 I'm glad you went. I really do think it's best just to get things checked out in case. I'm from the UK though, so I don't need to consider cost when it comes to that but I understand it's not the same for everyone.
The sleeping through it or going back to sleep is definitely concerning as well. I wonder if she knocked you out? I assume they checked you for a concussion as well?
Hope they gave you same pain meds or something! Take it easy for a bit!
Every couple has different ways of handling finances. Your way is not wrong, neither is his. But if you can't agree, that is setting you up for failure if you move in together or get married.
The only thing close was him agreeing to me having a separate savings if he has the login.
This sounds controlling and is a red flag.
Either way, he has to want to change his habits. You won’t get anywhere with an addict unless they will do the very hot work to stop drinking/drugs/gambling, and staying away from the enablers, otherwise you’re banging on a closed door.
If you don’t want to leave him to it, given he’s not really sounding like he wants to do anything about it, give yourself a reasonable time limit of when you’d want to see improvement by – you can support them but don’t let yourself be dragged down too. It’s hard work. It really is.
Make sure you make an escape contingency plan during this time for whatever outcome, look at where you’ll online, how you’ll support yourself, who you can confide in (someone absolutely safe and trusted) and plan from there. Take care.
This. Also has to be rage bait. No one this selfish can also be this fucking stupid and ignorant.
If OP is for real then jesus David dodged a massive bullet being with a cheater.
Her and her flying monkeys. She didn't expect you to agree to break up and move on with no fuss.
What does he say when you tell him you need the behavior to change?
Those are some serious mental gymnastics there….like, sure, it could all be that, but also, the amount if energy put into that explanation of four words is kind of….telling to me. That's some manipulative thinking at best.
When a woman recently got in my face and asked me if I wanted some reading material I smiled and looked her in the eye and said, “No thank you, I am not into the Jesus.” – her face said it all as she quickly walked away.
If this is a good friend however, just be respectful and decline the invitation and suggest another activity.
I was told I wasn’t “allowed” to come to church anymore when my very Catholic parents found out I was gay when I was 16. I thought my life was over, but was also elated I didn’t have to put up with the religious bs every week. Told my dad on Easter that I renounced my Catholicism last year and he clutched his pearls big time. My life, not yours!
I really like how you said fix the picker. I think you are right. It's definitely from past trauma. But thank you sof the input and advice I really do appreciate it
Don't
Honestly, having one child to take care of instead of the two your apparently currently do, and being able to focus on your life and your son’s without your husband’s constant bad attitude, problems, and emotional rollercoaster he puts you on will end up being a huge relief.
It seems like you have a very supportive mom, so you won’t be alone. What help is he really providing? What benefit are you getting? You are so young and have so many years ahead of you…don’t waste them here. Every year you stay makes it that much harder to leave a situation that is draining you.
For the last few years this is exactly how my wife has been. For the first many years we were together, she respected me and valued my opinions on things. We liked to learn from each other. But at some point, she started getting annoyed by my opinions and didn't really want to talk to me about a lot of things anymore. She would talk to her friends about stuff and seek validation from them. I've talked to her about this before and how it's difficult for me, because it feels like she just stopped respecting me as a person and doesn't care what I think.
Lately she's admitted that it's true and she knows she hasn't respected me, and she wants to work to fix that. And of course I'm trying to figure out how I can change how I behave to try and help that situation, too.
Update: she has been distancing herself from intimacy with me yet still invites me over to cuddle and play with her hair frequently. However last night while hanging out I noticed her texting someone new right next to me… my heart is shattered, I don’t know if she’s actually hurt by what I did or if she’s using it to justify her seeking other men. I need to distance myself yet it drives me insane, it’s all I can think about, I just want to show her my love and make her the happiest woman in the world. I can’t sleep, I’m forgetting to eat, I constantly think about how I made one mistake and it’s the end. I would do anything to fix it yet I also feel as if I should remove myself from her life completely since she (although hasn’t vocalized it) clearly wants to move on. I just want her to be happy regardless of it’s with me or not but I’d be lying if I said I’m not hurting, I’m not in pain, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t selfish for just wanting to be with her and make things work out
I really appreciate this insight. I agree, I said to my friends that there is no possible outcome from me messaging her that won’t result in my mental health suffering and/or being demonised. I realise it’s a little selfish, but we must protect ourselves. Especially from people who treated us badly.
Ok hope you had fun 🙂 and ok then lady.
So basically it just feels good and hopefully she'll seriously leave her relationship now?
Her husband and her shouldn't be married, cheating aside, but I still don't see these actions as rational or justifiable. I feel it's like trying to argue that someone is justified in turning to hot drugs because they're having a tough time in life. Sure, it may temporarily reignite some of that missing spark in their life, but ultimately they're just hurting themselves and those around them, especially by involving the children.
So basically it just feels good and hopefully she'll seriously leave her relationship now?
Her husband and her shouldn't be married, cheating aside, but I still don't see these actions as rational or justifiable. I feel it's like trying to argue that someone is justified in turning to very hot drugs because they're having a tough time in life. Sure, it may temporarily reignite some of that missing spark in their life, but ultimately they're just hurting themselves and those around them, especially by involving the children.
So basically it just feels good and hopefully she'll seriously leave her relationship now?
Her husband and her shouldn't be married, cheating aside, but I still don't see these actions as rational or justifiable. I feel it's like trying to argue that someone is justified in turning to hot drugs because they're having a tough time in life. Sure, it may temporarily reignite some of that missing spark in their life, but ultimately they're just hurting themselves and those around them, especially by involving the children.
I didn't put it in the original post. But my husband is also frustrated because he wanted to start a dental treatment and was saving for it (I knew this but I had not paid much attention to it since it was not urgent, it was something more cosmetic and he wanted to save for himself). And he told me to my face that he was frustrated that he hadn't told him that he had braces on all his teeth, that he now without a job couldn't keep saving for his own treatment and that I had the facility to have it for free.
What he told me I admit made me cry, deep down I felt that he was being unfair to me or so I think.
Break up with him. He doesn't want to marry you. Usually after a year of dating people know if they want to get married or not.
I mean, I have the same image of American cities… Bit too much!!
No phone password? Do you never leave the house? That is so scary!