Having a baby this late in life, when only one parent really wants it, is a terrible idea. Also, withholding affection and intimacy in order to manipulate your partner into having a baby is super fucked up. Your relationship is not in a healthy place right now and the last thing you should be doing is having a baby to fix the problem. That never works.
However, if you decide to sit down with your wife and have a serious conversation about the idea of another kid (hopefully after some therapy and working through the issues you two have right now), there is a possible compromise. This might be out of line to suggest, and it might not be exactly what your wife wants.
But have you considered adopting an older child? Or becoming foster parents? If your wife is really determined to have more kids in her life, and feeling like she has more maternal energy to give to a child, this could be a great solution. There are plenty of children out there who need a safe and loving home. Maybe this is something you and your wife could consider.
Yeah that’s what sucks. I was cheated on earlier this year. It was really fucked up the way she did it and I tried to remain friends after but it’s naked when they clearly don’t respect you as a person
His family is toxic. And I think his excuse that “you don’t know how families work because…. “ is bullshit. He is too attached to mommy and daddy. And perhaps there is a level of mental intimidation there. Meaning , I don’t get my way I am going to blow up etc etc. And as a child growing up in that environment you learn to obey and appease. Maybe I am wrong? Idk. Point I am trying to make is that unless he sets ground rules and barriers with his parents, this ain’t going to work.
Spending time a part is a good thing but it means nothing unless he straightens his parents out. Clearly , they don’t like you and they don’t have any compassion towards you. And now that a baby is involved it complicates things more.
And if you have no support system, it becomes you against them and you are 11 hours away from your family.
Couples counseling is probably the right call, but your boyfriend needs individual counseling or a swift kick in the ass.
To reunite with him, you need to make sure he has put them on a short leash. And I am not sure he will do that. Their promises are empty based on what you have written. And I could see them exploding again because they don’t seem to know how operate with people outside their environment.
Absolutely. I'll talk to her and be myself, but lay down some boundaries. If she doesn't want to change then I'll leave. I don't believe in being rude by any means though.
He is on medication for his mental health and he sees a psych every few months. Its just too expensive for him to go super regularly, but he definitely is big on therapy and MH supports.
We planned to write the letters, read them separately and then come back together and talk through it and see if we think we can salvage things. And to see if our wants and needs align.
As for your questions, he sometimes gets defensive and quick to anger when we discuss things. Other times he will validate my concerns, but seems to not know how to address them, even when I tell him in specifics. I'm a good communicator in general, but I can get defensive at times too. But usually doesn't take very long for me to relent and admit fault. My bf thinks I'm a pushover at times, but I think I am just actually good at self reflection.
As for whether he wants to write the letter, I gave him the opportunity last week to ditch the idea. He said he wanted to do it. And honestly, he hasn't made any other efforts to “save” our relationship so part of me wanted to see if he could just commit to this one small thing. And I want to see his thoughts on our relationship without any bias. I want to hear it straight from him, and not have to lead the whole conversation for once.
Thank you so much for your advice, I really appreciate it. These are honestly the questions I needed to be asked, its naked to unpack it when its all so overwhelming. So I really appreciate it a lot.
She needs solo therapy to work on her self esteem. You both need to stop objectifying people. You need to go to couple therapy to figure out how to communicate during conflict – multiple days of being cold sucks, and you aren't acknowledging her feelings and just trying to justify that looking at others is only fair. Together, you need to come to some sort of agreement for talking about your relationship problems with others (personally I think you need to sort out your own shit in relationships and leave everyone else out, unless you need help getting out of an abusive situation). And you shouldn't be making major life choice just to indulge someone else. I can't beleive she'd want to marry someone who actually doesn't care to marry her.
I’m surprised that a couple people have tuned in on the family aspect. I guess it’s a reoccurring element? Yes, my father was abusive and my childhood was not super happy.
I think a part of me thinks, “he’s not physically hurting me so it’s not bad.”
It would be sweet if he asked and understood when women said “we are all different”. It stopped being sweet when he copped an attitude cus we told him we couldn't answer that question.
Nowhere did I say it was okay lol, just that maybe she wasn't cheating. Both circumstances are inappropriate, but cheating is cheating, and playing wingman is disrespectful but not cheating.
Also, look in the comments below, he's probably cheating on his wife himself, so this whole post doesn't matter anymore.
But isnt there a way S can get over it? I mean she doesnt have to have contact with J
Having a baby this late in life, when only one parent really wants it, is a terrible idea. Also, withholding affection and intimacy in order to manipulate your partner into having a baby is super fucked up. Your relationship is not in a healthy place right now and the last thing you should be doing is having a baby to fix the problem. That never works.
However, if you decide to sit down with your wife and have a serious conversation about the idea of another kid (hopefully after some therapy and working through the issues you two have right now), there is a possible compromise. This might be out of line to suggest, and it might not be exactly what your wife wants.
But have you considered adopting an older child? Or becoming foster parents? If your wife is really determined to have more kids in her life, and feeling like she has more maternal energy to give to a child, this could be a great solution. There are plenty of children out there who need a safe and loving home. Maybe this is something you and your wife could consider.
you can move on with your life now or you can keep doing this until you grow a spine and leave him.
Yeah that’s what sucks. I was cheated on earlier this year. It was really fucked up the way she did it and I tried to remain friends after but it’s naked when they clearly don’t respect you as a person
Lots to unpack here…
His family is toxic. And I think his excuse that “you don’t know how families work because…. “ is bullshit. He is too attached to mommy and daddy. And perhaps there is a level of mental intimidation there. Meaning , I don’t get my way I am going to blow up etc etc. And as a child growing up in that environment you learn to obey and appease. Maybe I am wrong? Idk. Point I am trying to make is that unless he sets ground rules and barriers with his parents, this ain’t going to work.
Spending time a part is a good thing but it means nothing unless he straightens his parents out. Clearly , they don’t like you and they don’t have any compassion towards you. And now that a baby is involved it complicates things more.
And if you have no support system, it becomes you against them and you are 11 hours away from your family.
Couples counseling is probably the right call, but your boyfriend needs individual counseling or a swift kick in the ass.
To reunite with him, you need to make sure he has put them on a short leash. And I am not sure he will do that. Their promises are empty based on what you have written. And I could see them exploding again because they don’t seem to know how operate with people outside their environment.
C'mon dude be serious
Absolutely. I'll talk to her and be myself, but lay down some boundaries. If she doesn't want to change then I'll leave. I don't believe in being rude by any means though.
He is on medication for his mental health and he sees a psych every few months. Its just too expensive for him to go super regularly, but he definitely is big on therapy and MH supports.
We planned to write the letters, read them separately and then come back together and talk through it and see if we think we can salvage things. And to see if our wants and needs align.
As for your questions, he sometimes gets defensive and quick to anger when we discuss things. Other times he will validate my concerns, but seems to not know how to address them, even when I tell him in specifics. I'm a good communicator in general, but I can get defensive at times too. But usually doesn't take very long for me to relent and admit fault. My bf thinks I'm a pushover at times, but I think I am just actually good at self reflection.
As for whether he wants to write the letter, I gave him the opportunity last week to ditch the idea. He said he wanted to do it. And honestly, he hasn't made any other efforts to “save” our relationship so part of me wanted to see if he could just commit to this one small thing. And I want to see his thoughts on our relationship without any bias. I want to hear it straight from him, and not have to lead the whole conversation for once.
Thank you so much for your advice, I really appreciate it. These are honestly the questions I needed to be asked, its naked to unpack it when its all so overwhelming. So I really appreciate it a lot.
sure, but don't let her. she gets you almost killed, then decides to be angry about it?
She needs solo therapy to work on her self esteem. You both need to stop objectifying people. You need to go to couple therapy to figure out how to communicate during conflict – multiple days of being cold sucks, and you aren't acknowledging her feelings and just trying to justify that looking at others is only fair. Together, you need to come to some sort of agreement for talking about your relationship problems with others (personally I think you need to sort out your own shit in relationships and leave everyone else out, unless you need help getting out of an abusive situation). And you shouldn't be making major life choice just to indulge someone else. I can't beleive she'd want to marry someone who actually doesn't care to marry her.
And by the way, the lawyer is not just for if you decide to divorce her. She can still divorce you, too, and best be prepared.
I’m surprised that a couple people have tuned in on the family aspect. I guess it’s a reoccurring element? Yes, my father was abusive and my childhood was not super happy.
I think a part of me thinks, “he’s not physically hurting me so it’s not bad.”
Honestly, just look up the state parks near you and see if one is near something swimmable/has cabins. Many places offer them.
It would be sweet if he asked and understood when women said “we are all different”. It stopped being sweet when he copped an attitude cus we told him we couldn't answer that question.
He's not sweet, he's just sad.
Nowhere did I say it was okay lol, just that maybe she wasn't cheating. Both circumstances are inappropriate, but cheating is cheating, and playing wingman is disrespectful but not cheating.
Also, look in the comments below, he's probably cheating on his wife himself, so this whole post doesn't matter anymore.