Am I (27F) too sensitive for my critical husband (30M)?

I feel like I'm in a complex and confusing situation. I've been with my husband for 7 years. When we were dating everything was amazing. But once we got married things shifted. He started making more money, and being more demanding at home.

We stopped going on dates as much, due to stress and work, and covid. Our daily routine became very rigid, very quickly. He started criticizing little things I did. The coffee, my taste in décor, my food, my clothes, my hair. He kept picking at things and I kept telling myself it wasn't a big deal. I asked him to learn how to cook with me, and he laughed in my face, saying he had no interest in cooking. He stopped helping me clean pretty quickly after that.

I'd make him coffee and a lot of the time it wasn't "good enough" for him to drink so he'd pour it down the drain. So I tried harder. It became a stressful way to start the day, making him a cup of coffee that he was happy with.

Every now and again he'd say something so hurtful that I'd be shocked. I'd start wondering if that was what he really thought of me. The most hurtful things were comments about things I knew he knew I was insecure about. When I'd bring it up he would say that he was obviously joking and that he would never intend to hurt me. Since he didn't intend to hurt me, there was no reason to apologize.

I'd talk about getting back in shape and he'd tell me that I've never been "in shape", or I'd ask him to help me with a maths problem and he'd make fun of me for not understanding it. He told me I was awkward and bad in bed, that I "run like a retard", that he can't be responsible for the fact that every 3rd thing I say is incorrect and that I don't have any friends…

The real blow was when I'd try to discuss my hurt feelings with him, he'd completely shut down and refuse to discuss it with me. I'm not perfect and when I felt hurt I'd get angry. My temper would flare and he'd tell me I was making a big deal out of nothing. He kept telling me I was overreacting, that my childhood was making me misinterpret things, and that I was too sensitive.

I started retreating emotionally. I didn't want to go on dates or have sex with him. He also retreated into work and his hobbies. When I tried to talk to him about fixing our communication, he'd tell me there were no problems. He loves me and I am difficult to online with. I brought up couples counseling last year and he laughed at me. He said we were happily married and that I was being silly.

I felt like I had gone crazy. I started journaling and writing everything down. Here I was married to a man who was so precise about everything, who was so insistent on being factually correct about all things big and small that he often googled things I said in conversation to fact-check them, but when he said insensitive and hurtful things to me, about me, then I was supposed to know he was only joking.

Over Christmas I became depressed, sought out talk therapy and got on anti-depressants. I felt like I was trapped in a cage and decided I'd had enough. I sat my husband down and told him it was over. He was furious and said I couldn't divorce him out of nowhere when there was nothing wrong in our relationship. I told him that I was unhappy and hurt, and that things hadn't gotten resolved.

He begged me to go to couples counseling with him. I relented. We went and when we got there he deflected any responsibility. He told the therapist I had been abused as a child, and that I was too sensitive, which is why I told on to resentment and cannot forgive things he has said.

The therapist clearly felt sorry for him and suggested we increase our intimacy by planning date nights. He was ecstatic. We tried to go on dates, but the intimacy wasn't there. Then we'd be doing something together and he'd make another hurtful comment and I would just start crying.

Recently, after a lot of arguing, he has apologized to me for the things he has said. Even though he doesn't mean to hurt me intentionally, he can now see that he is hurting my feelings. But he claims he cannot stop himself from joking about my insecurities. He says there is no malice in his actions, that he is just trying to be funny but it goes wrong and he cannot help it.

I've been trying to decide if this is acceptable or not, or if it can be fixed? If he didn't pick at my insecurities our relationship would be almost perfect. He isn't a bad husband apart from this issue. Please help.

TLDR; My husband says he cannot stop himself from saying hurtful things to me, and that I am too insecure due to my childhood abuse.