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Sofia-Casablanca22 Public Chat Channel
Date: October 6, 2022
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Ma’am! If you let this man take your son’s vehicle you’re in for a rude awakening! They are othering your child. My suggestion is to have a serious talk about how he really feels within this blended family. My guess is like a piece if something not nice. Whatever you call each other’s children to their face, he treats you son like an unwanted. That’s why HIS daughters can boldly say “We’ll see” about his freaking property. I’m angry for your boy in my heart.
So let me get this straight you are blind sided? Yes…
But you choose not to learn or grow from the situation. Look there are times when we are victimized and times we get to grow and if you don't learn why. You may be stuck for the rest of your life.
Maybe he's just an ass but learn so you can move on.
If it's dating then just going full blank is harsh and bad form. If things are over, typically it's decent to say that rather than just disappear. Especially when you hit the “I miss you” stage. So yeah, this one is going to hurt more than some casual messaging and I'm sorry you had to deal with that. It's a lot more to get past.
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NO!!! You do not send yourself down a spiral for anyone. You say that the anti-depressants help you. Stay on them. Fuck him. he's not concerned about your health. Your depression IS your health. And 10 pounds ain't shit.
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If you keep lying to him you are gambling your relationship and the thing with truth is that it will never go away.
If you tell him he might be disappointed, yes, but chances are he will also get over it. Besides, telling the truth is the right thing to do, if that matters to you?
And what have you both done every other time you’ve got sick in the last 8 years…
Okay I understand, thanks a lot
Men are so emotional.
How long have you been together and known each other?
No. Cut it off.
Honestly, you should consider editing your post and including everything that you've been telling people in comments. I've noticed a few key pieces of information from your comments that made me wish I knew a little more about your situation before even attempting to give advice, and I think there are probably others who might also advise you differently depending on what comments they've caught and/or missed. Just a few things you mentioned in the comments that stood out to me:
-His family owns a farm, and the free land you are being gifted is on said farm (are they expecting his labor in return for the free land? Has he said, or does he know for sure that this is genuinely a gift with no strings attached?)
-As recently as the start of your relationship, he was “trying to get away” from his family- even now, he only rarely sees them (though maybe he's taken great steps to improve their relationship?)
-Your family currently provides childcare for your young children while you both work- his family would be unlikely or unwilling to do the same, so that would fall on you to sort it out (or, more likely given the location, on you to provide exclusively).
-Whenever you have a disagreement about something, it usually turns into an argument if it's not something he likes or wants (maybe you just meant this as a casual, throwaway comment, but it made me pause).
She cheated and brought home an STd. I won’t ask. Keep getting yourself tested. There may be more and if the infection is recent you need to keep getting tested because there is a possibility that there is a long incubation period. So wait and don’t breath easy yet.
DON’T HAVE SEX WITH ANYONE. including your girlfriend. You may be asymptomatic but still can transmit the disease.
I think I understand, I asked him if she was going to be a problem for him and he assured me it wasn't that, at all and he just enjoyed the attention. But I can't not think about it and I don't know if it's valid for me to be sad or not, just because of this. To be honest, I'd rather just not know because he didn't do anything.
I’d distance yourself from both your parents for a while actually. It’s clear you’re enmeshed with your father to a disturbing degree. Some space from all of it would be good for you. Go focus on your fiancé and your dog for a while. Then see what you want to do with your parents.
Same. Gender doesn't matter she still lied to you and cheated so that doesn't make anything better.
He was so obviously complimenting you this just sounds like a humble brag
Do you think this is recoverable with therapy? Because I do want to start thinking about our relationship and not put myself first like he always has. He is devoted to me, works so hard with intent of giving us a family, went through his darkest times alone during his accelerated masters program and told me the only reason he was able to succeed was because he was thinking of our future and didn’t want to let me down. And during that time I was doing all of this stuff w the other guy and destroyed the trust he had in me
Can’t you just say thanks and then go give it to a homeless dude or something? It makes her happy to buy people stuff. If you can’t handle gifts at all your life will be a rocky road. Go seek some help for it.
I get these, at least the ledes. I like to engage and jerk them around a bit. A few have had the gall to tell me it's rude to pretend to be someone else by continuing to claim that it wasn't a mistext and that I am in fact “Blake,” to which I respond that as I have killed him I've received all his worldly possessions including his very name and now we have a secret, some psychotic shit like that. It's fun.
Hopefully they're not slave labor.
I think the realizations that you are sharing in this post are extremely important. From my reading, it seems the issue is less about polyamory itself, and more about your belief that your parents consistently put their own needs and wants above yours. I can also understand why you have been left with a sense of betrayal and distrust. It sounds like they held strong religious beliefs and espoused a very “moral” view of sexuality, but quickly (and without your knowledge) abandoned these beliefs to embrace a nontraditional lifestyle. I can see why this would have felt like the rug was pulled out from under you. In addition, your parents really failed to provide you with guidance and support while you were processing this, which was a huge miss on their part.
If you have an interest in developing a relationship with your parents in the future, I think exploring the concepts of acceptance and forgiveness in therapy would be beneficial. (It will likely be beneficial even if you chose not to associate with them in the future). Because here’s the reality, and something that most young adults your age also grapple with: your parents are flawed and human, just like everyone else. It seems like our parents should be mature enough to have it all figured out, and from the eyes of a child, it sure looks that way. But this is a fallacy. Adulthood and marriage is HARD, and people are constantly growing and changing – even in their 30s, 40s, and beyond.
I’m sure your parents thought that they were going to have a traditional, monogamous marriage, because that is the “norm” and (if they were religious) what is “right” and expected. But they figured out over time that this was not going to work for them. And you know what? They’re not alone. Over time, most marriages will face a crisis. People often feel restless and unsatisfied, and infidelity is a common by-product. In some marriages, a spouse may come to realize that their sexual or gender identity is not as black and white as they imagined. Many couples aren’t able to work through these issues together, leading to divorce. But your parents found a solution that worked for them. From my perspective, their solution was fine. The problem was that you were still a kid and had no way to really process what was going on, and they did not have the tools or ability to help you at that time.
You seem like a very self-aware, reflective person, and I believe you have the capacity to work through this in a very healthy way. I wish you all the best.
Virgin response
You know, when you partner is having problems with sex, usually the reaction is to be met with support and perhaps an advice on what to do. I can't tell if that is the case based on just text. But crying and making this all about you is definitely not helpful. That just adds more pressure on them.
I'm not gonna jump on the train and tell you to break it off but just consider what I said in whichever decision you take next. I'd at the very least let her know that although you get her frustration with sex not happening, you feel like her reaction was more cold than supportive and you don't desire that in the future.
I’m 5’5” and 188lb and I know I’m in the obese BMI and need to get to 179.5 lol to be “overweight”. Working hard and down from 202lbs. A 60 lb weight gain affects emotional, and physical relarionship with yourself and romantic partner. Try to get to the root of why you gained and get some weight off . He should be supporting you to do so as well
He is a sexual turnoff due to his poor oral hygiene. Sex is already effectively being withheld because of that (though he might not have made the mental connection with his hygiene and why sex has been lacking lately). It's not about “weaponising” sex, you simply don't owe anyone sex and I think that when things are this bad, it can be very effective to just spell the situation out in plain language.
You sa her and somehow think some half assed apology is going to make it all better? Not only that you are shifting blame on her, the victim, because “she was close to orgasm and I didn't want to innterupt her”. Basically “I did exactly what I said I wasn't going to do but, I did it for/ because of you.” You should have used your words but, it seems like all discussions you have had were just hollow lip service.
There is no apology that will erase the fact that you ignored her when she told you her boundries because you believe you can make unilateral decisions for her. You are a controlling, disrespecful, creep who SA their “partner”. I really hope this girl gets as far away from you as possible and you stop victimizing women.
Work on having some self respect as a start.
Well you handled that poorly. Learn from it and don't make the same mistakes in the future…
Also I would have gone to the father who “I like” and pointed out that dude is bad mouthing him and his friends to me. Rather than just believe what some random person said.
Your relationship is over, in some cultures what you did is BAD. Like you are lucky you didn't get the shit kicked out of you bad. And your ex's reaction tends to make me think hers is one of those.
I ready spicy stuff without getting off to it all the time, it’s totally normal.
That’s a great idea, thank you ? I will definitely bring those things up to him and talk to him about it. I have serious trust issues and the LDR does not help, but I have really really tried. These comments have just kinda been the final straw ygm?
Thank you for sharing the link, although a lot was deleted, there was just enough info in the replies that led me to conclude she’s even worse than just this one incident and the relationship is a toxic nightmare.
There's nothing to amend. Exes are exes for a reason, regardless of the length/intensity of the relationship. I keep in touch with some exes, others I do not. Some exes that I dated for only a few months are friendly and still send an occasional “hope you are well!” text or message. And other exes I've dated for several YEARS may as well be complete strangers. That's just life. Regardless of whether or not *I* want a friendly relationship with my exes, if they do not contact me first, I do not bother contacting them.
Furthermore, if any exes contact me with rude words or snarky comments, I just block them. I've been married over 10 years; there's really no reason for my college fiance or my high school sweetheart to be in touch other than a mutually civil “how's it going/take care” … sounds like your ex just doesn't like you for other reasons I see other commenters specifying. She has a right to have an opinion about you – but you also have a right to ignore it completely and move on with your life. For someone with these strong negative feelings about you, there really is nothing left to salvage.
Guys pay for it either way so the only difference is that was guaranteed.
Exactly what you're doing here. Immediately claiming both sides are equally to blame us wrong about 90% of the time and doing so makes you look like an asshole
Please break up with her and let her find someone that understands that their lover can have a past
He isn’t a great person and the help can NEVER come in a world where you have an idea of you being together in the future. Get it through your damn skull right now. You can’t rehabilitate abusers and put them back with the same partner. It’s quite rare that you can rehabilitate them at all.
I think you know deep in your heart that he's hurting you and doesn't care. If you bring it up to him, he'd probably just gaslight, minimize, dismiss, invalidate, etc. He's telling you how he's wanting to treat you.
“He also mentioned that he might want to cheat on me in future “because he needs it physically””
So he gets open options (in his head anyway. spoiler alert, he sucks and no one will want him) and you get that looming anxiety over your head forever?
Does it go both ways? Would he just be chill if you do the same thing? I'm betting mr. low empathy doesn't care how it feels as long as it's not happening to him. You deserve so much better.
You deserve someone who doesn't go out of their way to try to hurt someone they claim to care about on purpose.
If you move, he will be your only support and he sounds like he's not doing a very great job of that without it being a high-stakes situation where you're stuck and can't leave. You're so young, there's a world full of wonderful thoughtful people waiting to meet you!
If you can handle a little sting and sitting with the very human, universal experience of loneliness for a bit, it'll get so much better. Good luck!
When you feel like you two are flirting, does she also think that it’s flirting or what makes it flirting to you? Sometimes girls are more affectionate than men are with their friends, do you think it’s possible she doesn’t think she is flirting or is she acting differently than how she is with her other friends?
So… you're saying it's better to live! your life unsatisfied but not know it? Like a woman who has a shitty unfulfilling sex life should be fine with that because she's inexperienced and doesn't know any better?
That's just awful that you feel that's a good thing.
I don’t think my son really has much to do with it. I'm hopeful they end up divorcing and then this won't be needed, but I don't want to bank on it.
Holy shit!
I appreciate this so much. Our situations seem very similar and I can see my husband and I benefitting from a system like this. It sounds a lot like the 'Fair Play' method/game that we are going to start working on this weekend.
You make a good point about relaxing standards – that is something I've been working on this past year, and it has been very challenging finding that right balance of compromise. I guess finding out what our mutually acceptable compromises will be, aka figuring out what our system will be and maintaining it, will be the ultimate challenge of whether we make it or break it.
Thank you again for sharing your experience and insight. Much appreciated.
That’s what I was afraid to hear, I truly regret messing everything up with her. It’s hard for both of us since we both truly do love eachother a lot. At the moment she said she needs space to think about the whole situation, what I completely understand. Regret being so immature and not actually fixing the problems when I told her I will. One of life’s hard lessons huh