My girlfriend (33F) and I (M38) have been together a very stable 10 years, but now I think I want out. How does a person leave their partner when they’ve done nothing wrong?

Obvious throwaway account.

What do I do? I'm totally lost. Lost enough that I would actually ask for advice online, which is, well, not something I do. My girlfriend and I have been together 10 years, and we've been living together for 5 of those years. We are not married and we have no kids. I'm not a big believer in marriage, and although I know she would prefer it, she's never pressured me to propose. She is happy if I'm happy.

She is a wonderful person. She is kind, caring, honest, sincere, and loyal. She is beautiful and she is in excellent shape. She is a great gift giver, she cares deeply for her friends and family, and if we ever did have a kid I have no doubt she would be an excellent mother. She is easy going, rarely fusses about anything, and keeps the house clean. All my friends love her and on paper she is in many ways the ideal partner. Sorry, but there's no big drama, there's no red flags, no infidelity, nothing!

But I've fallen out of love with her. Well, I've always loved her and cared deeply for her, but I'm not sure I've ever really been IN love with her. I like her a lot, but wouldn't say I really adore her. I respect her, but I don't really admire her. And you know what? She deserves all the love, adoration and admiration in the world and I feel like the biggest, dumbest shithead for not really ever giving her what I feel she truly deserves. I've spent months now in a terrible depression, which I have been excusing away as work-related stress. And she, as always, is patient and considerate and warm. And I have always been honest with her, but with this I can't seem to muster up the strength to tell her how I feel. I've never been good at talking about my feelings anyway, and since I know my feelings will hurt her terribly, I have REALLY struggled with it. But I know that my pain is making her life hot, and my coldness and emotional withdrawal has to be doing her real pain as well. So obviously I have to do something about it.

Why am I wanting out? I don't know, lots of reasons maybe. For all her virtues she does have a few less-than-ideal qualities that when we first started dating didn't seem like a big deal, but after this much time, have become big issues for me. She doesn't make much money, doesn't work very nude, and has no ambition to challenge herself or improve herself either professionally or personally. I found out after a few years of living together that she had racked up a sizable debt, which to my knowledge is literally the only thing she has ever concealed from me, likely due to embarrassment, but I paid all her debt down anyway. Despite our agreement, she has yet to pay any of it back (I intended to save all the money she pays back so I could use it as part of a down payment for a house together, forgiving the debt entirely). She has crippling social and general anxiety, and despite many years of being her cheerleader, gassing her up, and doing everything I can to help her get better with it, I still hesitate to bring her out with friends – even ones she knows well – because there's a good chance she's going to completely shut down and then spend the next week wrapped up in a blanket watching Twitch. Even on vacations I have to drag her around and make all the plans because in a new place she completely shuts down. I am a very social person and I want to hang out with friends always, but if she had her way it would be just me and her always. She loves my sense of humor, but she can usually only make me laugh on accident. She loves the shows I watch and the music I listen to, but I don't like anything she likes, and boy have I tried! She likes my friends and the few "friends" she has are, well, not great people – I feel like they use her for her kindness and warmth while giving her very little in return. Honestly, I might be her only "true" friend, or that's how it often feels. And I don't often get drunk, but when I do I'm a very happy drunk, and she is a very, very angry drunk, like a total 180 from her usual personality. When we go out for drinks with people, I'm always worried that she'll have one too many and destroy some furniture at home (which has happened a couple times, always with a later apology and quick replacements). That sounds like a huge red flag, maybe it is, but in 10 years together it's really her only real sin, and she almost never has enough alcohol to get to that point. Also, I smoke weed pretty much every day (at night when I'm relaxing after work, or when out on a hike or at a concert) and it has never bothered her in the slightest, but she doesn't smoke. It never really bothered much me before, but it would be so nice to sit together and smoke a J now and then. Finally, I am a very smart person, or at least I'd like to think so. I crush crosswords and trivia. I don't think I'm that smart, there are many people I know much smarter than me, but I've always been described as a "brainiac" or the like and I enjoy intellectual pursuits. She is not stupid at all, probably average, which again didn't bother me at first, but I'm am starved for a more intellectual back and forth in my day to day life.

And you know, I'm no saint either, but I would say that a big driving force in my life is to be honest, kind, patient, thoughtful and selfless. It's probably why we ended up together in the first place, since she exhibits those traits better than most. And it might be why I'm struggling so much in this situation, since I can sometimes be the kind of person to endure pain so that someone else doesn't have to.

In essence, I feel like maybe we're too different. I have worked so nude to pull myself out of poverty and debt in my early life to get the things I want, go the places I want to go, meet interesting people, and get a decent house of my own in a decent town. I want to improve my life and myself everyday. There's so much I want to do and I can't do it all alone! And lately she has been feeling like dead weight, like she can't or won't go in life where I want to go, even though I know she would always try, and always has tried, I feel it's not enough. And the back and forth in my mind of "stay or go" is killing me, and I know she can sense I'm miserable and it's gonna make her miserable.

What do I do here? How can I even begin to tell her how I've been feeling? I know she will be devastated, and she will want to go to counseling and she'll pull out all the stops to try to keep me around, but I think I've made up my mind. I want to talk to her and let her down as easy as humanly possible. I don't hate her, I don't even dislike her. I just feel like I have to move on and most of all, I feel like maybe she will never be able to cope, and it would just ruin her life, but she deserves to be happy.

I would appreciate literally any insight, advice, or perspective you can offer and I'm happy to answer any questions. Please feel free to call me an idiot or assume that I'm actually a massive asshole, because I feel like one. Thank you for reading.

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TL;DR My long time girlfriend is pretty much an ideal partner and excellent all around person and I'm a big dumb idiot who doesn't want it anymore, isn't at all happy, and doesn't know how to proceed without crushing her soul.

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EDIT: Thank you all for your responses. Some have been kind, some have been unkind, and some are very obviously projections that aren't quite relevant. I feel like I should point out that you don't have to try to make me feel like a piece of shit because I already feel like a piece of shit. Actively trying not to cry. This is my first time on this sub and my heart aches for all the people here who have commented who have been so obviously hurt in the past. My goal with all this is: If I have to hurt someone, I want to do so with as little pain as possible. I don't want to be the reason this woman hates men. I don't want to be the reason she can't grow and find happiness in her life. I respect and care for this woman very much if that wasn't clear. And I don't in any way feel like the last 10 years have been a waste of either of our time, I think I'm just different now. Maybe I've grown, maybe I've become worse, I don't know. But I sincerely thank everyone, even the mean ones, for their comments. I have a lot to think about and I will keep reading and responding as I have time.

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EDIT 2: Didn't expect this post to absolutely explode. Thanks again everyone for your help! I've been trying to read and reply to everyone, but we're at 1.7k comments now and I can't keep up. I hope I expressed my sincere gratitude individually to everyone who provided valuable insight. When she got home tonight, I completely broke down sobbing, and I spoke for a while about what I've been feeling. She, as always, is very supportive but clearly very hurt. We didn't really land anywhere or talk about what's next and I'm completely, utterly exhausted. First time I've cried in years. On your recommendations, I'm going to therapy and I'm gonna urge her to go to therapy. Though this feels like the beginning of the end of our relationship, I've been advised by you all to address my depression before making any final decision to make sure it isn't coloring my judgement.