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  1. Start with a divorce lawyer. Tell them everything, and a good one will give you advice on the best way to inform him that you’re leaving. Tell family or friends that you trust, and get that support circle around you in case you need immediate assistance. You’re working full time and making your own money, so in that aspect you have a leg up where other women may not.

  2. OK, So. I have been in a similar situation, so I can see things from your wife's point of view, so I will try to explain how she may be feeling.

    TBH, it kind of boils down to something you said… “I'm not going to fix everything with myself overnight”. In the same way that you won't fix everything overnight, she is not going to forget everything that she has gone through before, overnight.

    These are issues that she has been dealing with, from you, for over 4 years. You have tried to address them, and failed, many times before. So yes, you may have been making progress, but in the moment when you mess up, it takes her back to before, and so she is probably panicking, thinking that you are reverting back to your old ways.

    In the back of her mind, she may also be aware that this whole change came about because of medication. So there would also the fear that if you stop your medication, things are going to go straight back to the way that they were before.

    On top of that, you only started working on these problems because she made it clear that she had expectations from you about the relationship. What is implied in that is that if you fail to meet those standards, then it's over. The only way she was able to force you to take this seriously, was to threaten leaving in the first place. So now, in her mind, the ONLY way she can make you take her complaints seriously, is to threaten to leave.

    The other thing, you say that these issues emerged 4 years ago. But I guarantee you, she noticed them long before that. They only became much more significant when you moved in together. She may have been able to ignore them before, but it became impossible when you moved in.

    So on that point, she has been dealing with these issues for *years*. Twelve months of good behaviour doesn't erase the memories of what she dealt with for years.

    As to how you deal with this, you are going to need to talk it out. Not after a fight, when emotions are running high, but set aside some time to talk. Try to ask questions to understand how she is feeling. Don't attack, or invalidate, or deny. And she will need to do the same. If you are unsure how to do it, see a couples counsellor who can guide the conversation for you.

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