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Well ,is she flirting or was you? i mean, why you know that?
Tell her you figured it out, the mistake was to get into a relationship with her….bye bye
I think most people aren't blaming him for doing anything wrong, necessarily, just being honest that this is a major blow in a very new relationship.
It’s a gigantic red flag for a man to lose interest in physical intimacy or sex like this. I would dig deeper.
Maybe he just never has to use the bathroom? I’ve read that some people who eat the perfect amount of food each day never have to use the bathroom b/c their bodies are using all of it for nourishment. No waste, no poop.
I think having dinner together before the holiday is a good idea. That said, your comment about them being critical about wedding planning: big problem. I can understand how that upset your fiance. You need to reign in your parents and let them know that unless specifically asked about something, their input is not needed with regards to wedding planning. They already got to plan a wedding: theirs. This is yours. They need to butt out.
I have a bad relationship with my grandparents two out of three sets actually. One of which was for hurtful comments- not about race but other things. Your children will see who is the problem as they get older. But as their parents it’s your job to protect them from people who will hurt them. Your in laws have shown they will hurt them and they shouldn’t be around your kids. If you want to start our right you could have a conversation with them saying to leave the racist remarks at home if they want to see their grandchildren. BUT they may not make them that doesn’t mean they don’t think them or will treat them better.
This is not the guy for you, I'm sorry to be blunt but he's a cunt. He's shown repeatedly that he's incapable of treating you as anything other than a sex object, honestly you deserve so much better than what you're allowing yourself to have with this guy and the description of your first time being intimate with him just makes so incredibly sad for you, this is not by any definition how love should be. Please leave.
Sorry, hijacking your comment because I've been there.
Hey OP. Im a survivor too. It took me so long to finally trust someone, and when I did, my ex response was to cry. He actually empathy cried, and my husband didn't, but he was furious both sat by me and allowed me to talk. They wouldn't be able to have sex, because abuse is a major turn off for decent people, and both times I told these two men and a few of my girls, the reaction was to be mad, sad, angry.
My husband couldn't eat dinner after that talk, he said he was too pissed to eat. That's how normal people react to learning someone you love was a victim.
You sat there retelling your deepest scars and this man sat beside you and… Felt aroused by it. This is beyond disgusting.
He is fetichising your trauma. Don't wait for another flag to raise, you have enough. ITS NOT YOUR FAULT. You are NOT stupid for “falling for that” and don't you DARE think this for even a second. He is a predator and you actually saw through it, even tho this man is probably gaslighting you the max, so you are badass for trusting your instincts enough to come here. He was counting on you not trusting yourself. And now you have the upper hand.
So you chose a trip with friends over saving your relationship.. that's all there is to it. You can be upset but the fact that you knew things were rocky before you chose to leave her for months is on you.
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What advice are you looking for?
To me it seems like there’s two completely separate issues here and I’m not sure why they’re being lumped together
1) Your family is poor. Absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Being poor isn’t a moral defect, it’s just the reality for hundreds of millions of people worldwide.
2) Your family doesn’t observe basic standards of cleanliness and hygiene. This is obviously genuinely an issue and i would completely understand why you are your partner wouldn’t want to be in that environment
Rich people can be just as a slovenly as poor people, the difference being rich people can simply employ a cleaner whilst poor people may be working multiple jobs, not have a lot of time to clean.
I suspect the strength of your Dad’s reaction may be because he senses you look down on your roots generally but that just me speculating.
Especially considering alot of insurances don't normally cover dental care I only go if I notice a problem his issue is he doesn't do the bare minimum of dental care.
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Just dump her already.
Her actions so far have shown that she doesn’t respect you.
Our of everything I said thats the take away?
No OP the betrayal is the betrayal.
The coffee was your stupid prize playing stupid games
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You’re here asking this question. That’s how. You’re wondering how this dynamic impacts your relationship.
You two could easily have a perfectly healthy relationship. But you’re worried. So tell us why? I’m not trying to be a jerk here. I just want to understand your thought process so that I can give correct advice.
Yeah, I was a stay at home dad when my (now) 5 year old was a baby. I'm not saying you wouldn't wake if the baby does, I'm saying you should be able to go to bed without waking a baby in the same room if they're not in the bed.
If you want this relationship to work, you’re going to have to have some serious boundaries with your friend. She is clearly trying to make your gf insecure.
Get a lawyer and a forensic accountant.. this ain’t right
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The only thing I can think of is that maybe she reacts out of surprise, but it's still not nice… She should have worked with her therapist more on this issue. Don't go back if she hasn't worked on this because she should not treat you this way.
You can't go to a hotel. Hahahahaha
It triggers you. Sounds to me like you are the angry one. Maybe he is using you as a replacement because you aren't so special.
My bf got add/adhd. He falls asleep if we aren't doing anything or when he's bored. There were times that we visited someone and they were talking. But he wasn't joining them. Results? Falling asleep. Very weird. I was thinking of it might be relating to adhd. Since he needs to do stuff allll the time. But you say it's not normal? Maybe I should look into this more?
He’s probably going to apologize and say he didn’t mean it. That he was just having a really hard time with his kids not being there (which, he probably was). But that’s not an excuse and he meant what he said. He’s toxic AF. You’re worth way more than that. Leave.
Oh good to know that im not alone
Yep. Generally, in a relationship, no one is 100% a victim. Maybe 50/50 or 60/40, 30/70, etc., but not 100%.
Obviously I am NOT including situations involving abuse, especially physical. There is zero excuse for someone to assault the person they claim to love.
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she manipulated him into it but somehow also didn’t want him to take care of them
This got me too. This guy's story is very contradictory. There's a reason he went after someone so young and naive and a reason he moved her in almost immediately. Beware of people who claim their exes are crazy.
He is abusing your son. Abuse is not strictly physical, what he is doing is verbally and emotionally abusing your son for no good reason. If you care about your kids, you'll leave him. This isn't reddit being overdramatic, and leaving him should not be your last resort. He is abusive. To a child. For no reason. That should be enough to be your final straw.
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Maybe try couples therapy first? Sometimes having a third person to listen to both sides can help?
Maybe going into therapy for yourself? To learn how to cope and getting your own mechanisms to either help him, or communicate better? Maybe you need to pull back and stop doing so much for him? (I’m not trying to be rude to you so I am sorry if this comes off that way)
Medication can also help – especially if he is suffering from executive dysfunction. That could be part of the root cause of his behavior. Or it could be his choice.
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Maybe give it a bit more time. Christmas was recently. Could just be busy with Holiday stuff. He's still responding even if delayed so it's very probably he's been spending time with family
What you’re describing is classic controlling behavior. It’s when someone has trouble trusting others so uses control instead. It often leads to abuse. If you want to help the friend, google encourage her to google early warning signs of controlling behavior. Or if she’s not interested, then google joe to support someone in an emotionally abusive relationship as that’s what’s going on.
I’m not living in any of their houses, no. I live in my own house quite far from them. And I have a family of my own.
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I agree with this. If you're having issues in a relationship, you have to communicate and work on fixing things together. Going on a break is just putting things off and hoping it all fixes itself. Relationships take time and effort.
There's also the high probability of him just keeping her on the back burner in case something else doesn't work out and that thing didn't work out and that's why he regrets “taking a break”.
She also clearly wasn’t that drunk if she was telling 3+ people about it asking what to do.
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Wow there is not going to be a “next year” for you and your gf if you are actually this dense. You bought very nice jewelry for three other women (presumably for Xmas) and you did not get anything that nice for your gf.
Delusional in believing that you're breaking off a relationship that he knows for a fact never existed except in your imagination.
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y’all might as well pack your bags and move on.
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Not a cheating thing. A respect thing.
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We were friends from school
Oral and hands are still sex. But you need to find a partner who has the same values as you do and is also willing to wait. They are out there. Giving up your virginity just because it’s a dealbreaker is lowering yourself. But the problem with waiting until marriage is that then you get married too young. It’s not about sexual compatibility at that point, it’s just that you aren’t prepared for marriage and then you get divorced.
She’s probably depressed because she’s dating an asshole. Lol. He’s a walking talking contradiction with about a million reasons why she’s gaining weight including suggesting it’s depression she refuses to treat but also mostly alcohol which he seems to be attempting to cure by taking her to a gym. You don’t fix a drinking issue at the gym. A decent partner concerned about a drinking issue wouldn’t be posting about how her weight gain is #1 concern. Ruling out the conversation does mean she isn’t interested in his “help”. Because it sounds like his help is some self-righteous bullshit. So that’s my take on it. ?
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Nooo, how dare people want their partners to be attractive, how dare they follow basic human instincts, every fat man and female is a 10/10 than any other female who puts in time into her body and appearance.
Before he just “leaves her” because she feels uncomfortable talking about her weight gain…..
How about he actually discusses how it’s affecting their relationship? How he sees a future with her but is worried about her long term health. And instead of trying to tell her what might work. He can say he will be supportive of what lifestyle changes she makes?
“Leave “ is always the hard button answer around here
Your girlfriend is acting aggressively. And she's gaslighting you to the point you have to check for evidence of your feelings.
Get out as soon as you can. Whilst she's in denial she won't change. And if she doesn't try to get help or work on herself she won't change, so this will be your life.
As a man I would thank gramma for being supportive.
Yikes this guys sounds like a walking red flag. Good thing it’s only 6 months. There are plenty of people out there who will not care what you wear as long as you’re happy.
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It doesn't matter and it sounds like a date and YOU don't care what your BF thinks! You are a red flag.
Actually I checked and it's much more complex than my answer. My reaction was to that the OP sounded like BPD was something you just get better from and that it is episodic in nature. That's not really a helpful view of BPD although I also think it's unfair that he was downvoted.
In research there seems to be a difference between remission and recovery. English isn't my first language so I had to check. While remission certainly occurs, either naturally or with treatment, recovery seems less defined and less researched.
But my main concern here is that it's hard to be a close relative to someone with BPD and eventhough people can be better, as a relative you should be a bit careful to hope for recovery.
Regarding your last question. All mental disorders are obviously different and the treatment as well as the effectiveness of known treatments differ.
No, I downvote you because I disagree with you. Again, no need for interpretation, this is what the downvote button is for. You dislike something, you can click it.
he asked me to move in
The cute gestures my partner does for me are personal. I don’t need to immediately text all my friends to brag about it.
It's her first relationship so she's navigating it as best as she knows how to, which isn't much. Definitely idealizing it and not the actual reality.
I say sit her down and talk. You love her, but it's not always “sunshine and daisies” or “you're so handsome” 24/7.
I go down on him often and used to way more frequently. I’ve lost interest though since he’s “tried” going down on me only twice in over 3 years. I feel like sometimes he’s just naive on how women’s bodies work but I’ve tried teaching him so starting to think he’s just selfish.
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Call her family and tell them that she's threatening suicide to try to manipulate you into staying. Tell them that she desperately needs help beyond what you are able to provide.
You know that saying, a drunk mind speaks sober thoughts? The only thing alcohol does is remove your inhibitions. It doesn’t make you do things you don’t want to do. Even on my 21st birthday, when I was absolutely plastered, I still told people that I was married.
If she does it all the time how can you not expect her to do it when emotions are running high like in an argument also is only manipulation if you allow it to change your behavior.
If its a deal breaker then break up with her. Forcing people to adhere to your rules when they dont actually want to wont work. She doesnt want to. You dont want to look at other compromises and options. You've made it clear in the comments that you're not budging, so just break up.
I do think you came across a bit too eager after only one date. I can understand that she was giving you a lot of positive signals and you were excited, but exclusivity after a single date is pretty intense. Blocking you everywhere seems like a very strong reaction. In her shoes I probably would have asked you to slow down, but it's possible she's had bad experiences with men moving too fast. It's also possible something else was going on on her end and she lost interest. Hard to say.
Overall I don't think you did anything wrong per se, but I would definitely encourage you not to rush into expedited steps of the relationship so early on even if you're feeling butterflies. It can freak people out, especially when “love bombing” is a popular concept in the zeitgeist at the moment. Try to just chill and enjoy things as they unfold organically.
For being 31 he's an immature AH, who has permanently damaged your relationship with his family. Lord knows what he tells other people about you. I personally would reconsider the relationship.
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While your comment is coherent and makes sense, you shouldn’t waste your breath. I have a feeling OP wants us all to collectively say, “Of course he’s not texting/calling you because of his immense embarrassment of being unable to perform for such a goddess. It has absolutely has nothing to do with you or your combative personality at all. It’s 100% his diabetes induced ED that you’re not even sure of. There could be no other reason.”
It’s been mentioned in another comment that this is a repeated re-post. It’s not out of the realm of possibility that they keep reposting because they’re not getting the answer they want (which is usually how it goes).
This made me wheeeeeezzze
go back to the AITA post, daughter updated
Whatevs, if i had all the answers i wouldn't be on reddit asking strangers for advice. Pretty awesome that all the help i get is “you're not being sensitive to her needs” even tho i've been a complete rock for her over the last 4 years.
I see the wisdom in your words clearly now. Thanks again.
As a mother I’ll chime in.
You may want to ask r/divorce or there’s some other subreddit that supports people who have been cheated on. You could also ask parenting subs or something.
The commenters here tend to skew young and never had kids. Kids are a game changer. Detonating the nuclear family is not a great first resort. Therapy might be good for you to figure things out but I personally wouldn’t make a huge kneejerk reaction- it would destabilize the home for the kids.
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Heard it in kool aid man’s voice. Not sorry.
She claims this is due to me being out of her league and being nervous
do you mean that she is better than you or that you are ?
Ignorance is bliss
Thank you very much for tips on what to say and how to approach it.
Being friends with an ex only works if you’re both definitely over each other and actually want a friendship, not something more. Get some space from him until that is the case.
Agreed with this. I'd be surprised if they got back full price, as the work and engraving were done. But easily reusable material.
Putting thought into a gift doesn’t preclude someone from being a materialistic twat. The last gift my girlfriend got me was literally the opposite of my style, to the point that it’s functionally useless for me. But I still use it when I can and I definitely still thanked her for the time and effort she put in. Because that is what matters
When they married he was twice her age
The house is in his name, I own the property behind it. We have one kid together and my daughter from a previous relationship. It will be 10 years come July. Just this last year I'm starting to feel stuck and I'm not sure if it's all the outside factors of the last few years or if it's really just that I do want to progress more and he's happy where we are at.
Yah, you don't call someone every day.
Didn't read a word past the title…
You leave him. Simple
Unfortunately so long as you are financially dependent upon your father there is nothing you can do other than accept you will have to deal with your ex's presence in your life. In situations like this I think the best option is to be honest and direct with her. Tell her that you cannot be friends with her anymore because the fact that she dated your dad after dating you and is the mother to your half-brother is simply too weird and awkward for you two to ever have the friendship you had before. You can explain to her that you will talk to her when she comes around but any friendship between the two of you is not ever going to happen.
Also, I recommend you start making a plan to be financially independent so you can stop living with your perverted dad. Sorry, but there's something really creepy and gross about a parent dating the ex girlfriend of their son. It is morally questionable.
Ok so this will always be an issue. And I bet it's not the first time. Just leave and find happiness elsewhere. I am not one to encourage to leave easily… But this is someone he has tons of history with and a kid. He didn't want to end it. She did. He wants her. But he will settle for you as long as he can't have her.
At your age, with less experience in a loss like this, it took me a long time too, be patient with yourself. Set small self-improvement-type goals for yourself like: go hang out with a friend next week, or go for a run, or cook yourself a good meal. Doing it may suck, it may not even feel like it helps much. But if you keep at it, eventually you'll find the joy in things again.
It means she's working through her own issues and she doesn't want to drag you through them even though she's interested, because it could make you jaded and she doesn't want to do that to you because you're a good person.
I feel like such a loser telling them that, and honestly I don’t wanna like have to answer the questions of what or why
Neither you boyfriend or his ex-spouse appear to have a moral compass. They slept together both knowing YOU were taking care of their kid. This will happen again because it can. Sorry to say you need to leave, stay with family and make your plans. Do not accept his excuses. Move on
100% a choice. You can exchange current relationship for new one. Keep life exciting. Gonna have to do that every 5 years for the rest of your life, but it stays fresh. Or, you can choose one person. Work through the attractions that come time to time. Pheromones are a bitch. Knowing that there's more to life. Be with the one you will want to be with when the sex is gone.
Please find some self respect.
So, you’re not officially back together, he doesn’t know whether the kid is his or not (according to you via him), she may not know you two are “back together” (though by your own admission in a comment, you aren’t?), she posts live like they are still an item and planned the pregnancy, you don’t like that she is constantly texting him, yet you are still planning this whole life thing with him as though you are in fact already his wife and the child is your stepchild? And you don’t want anyone telling you to leave him because he didn’t cheat.
Well, some good news for you. You don’t need to leave him, because you aren’t actually, officially dating him again yet.
Have you verified with her that they aren’t still together? For all you know, you are being second-stringed as a backup. He may be using you to cheat on her, because she’s pregnant and for whatever reason, he wants to have his cake and eat it too.
Even if that isn’t the case (and I highly suspect it is), you are in no position to start making demands on any communication boundaries between them if that child is his. They will need to communicate, and remain friendly for the sake of their child (again, assuming it’s his), and you get to decide if you will stay and tolerate or (gasp), even act like a grown up and encourage and support a healthy communication and coparenting relationship with her, or if your going to leave. Because those are your choices. For the next 18+ years. And even that is pushing it, given, again, that you aren’t even officially back together again, yet! So really, you don’t even get to make that decision at the moment either. You get to decide if you leave now, or blindly believe every word he utters and allow him to continue to string you along and keep you on his hook, while he refuses to define your current relationship as even a casual dating one.
But hey, at least he didn’t cheat on you. Because that obviously would be way worse than whatever the hell all this is.
r/survivinginfidelity
I am sorry OP you're going through this. You can look into this subreddit for some support.
The first thing required for reconciliation is genuine remorse and accountability from him. He has to take full responsibility for his own actions and apologize sincerely. No half-ass ' I am sorry you feel this way' or blameshifting on you.
Next he'll need to go 100% no contact with this person on all platforms. He also needs to give you anything you need to feel secure. That can include anything you want – pw sharing, location sharing, not hanging out with certain people etc. If he thinks any of this is too much, it wont work. Even after this you may realize its not working for you.
But I am gonna be honest with you though- i agree with the other comments to just leave. I kniw it hurts. Grief the loss of your relationship and find someone faithful. You're only 24, don't waste your life on a cheater. Building trust is one of the hardest things to do. And statistically, cheaters often relapse. You dont want to hold yourself hostage and live the next 30 years wondering if he's cheating on you again. I wish you the best
“Was living with an ex BF” needed money for abortion…
Sorry but other than planting the seed of divorce in your brothers mind, and hoping that it takes root, you might have to just cut them both from your life until they sort their shit out.
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Your wife is scummy
Honestly it depends how bad you want to salvage it. I'd recommend being honest went telling her how you feel. If this if the final nail then so be it.
Secondly, start taking yoga classes, and interacting with other women. Your wife obviously doesn't appreciate your looks and you haven't put yourself in situations where she can see that your looks have value to other women. She's taking you for granted.
Seeing your partner get hit on is a very quick reality check for a lot of people.
And go to couples therapy.
Communication is important and it should have been clear that this is not something you do. To me it's cheating unless it's agreed upon but maybe to others it's not and I don't judge.
I wouldn't be able to trust her anymore she knew what she was doing was wrong as she deleted the messages. Of course you are married so IMO the only way to move forward would be marriage counseling to me and then you can at least make sure whatever you chose to do isn't out of spite or anger.
I am sorry it just got so complicated for you.
My thoughts exactly.
take this as a hint and get him low effort, cheap gifts from this point on. he clearly doesn’t put in the same amount of effort or money as u do
So there's no way to just talk it out with him? He's never violent or mean to me, this is something I just caught him doing yesterday. He didn't even argue or fight me on it. He just told me whenever I talk to them he gets nervous
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This is ok if you want to do this defy your husband and ignore his wishes that 5 million men don’t see what his wife’s body looks like. He is telling you not do this because he doesn’t want so many people looking at you. He feels jealous. Better yet do this and serve him with divorce papers and leave him. Don’t ask for any money as he probably doesn’t make a lot anyway. I don’t even know why you would waste your time with someone who will limit your freedom.
But, but I love him no matter what. Please want and find better.
We don’t hit faces.
The fact that he did that is crossing the line. It’s one thing to be uncomfortable and to handle the situation in a mature and respectful manner, but he should not takeover and try to control, especially physically. It’s disrespect and a red flag and in my eyes abusive.
Honestly my next biggest point is overall about LDR's. Is it even worth it. Even if we argue the feelings are the same and just as real and irl relationships. Is it worth all that longing for someone who you have no real way to see or manage a healthy life situation with. I would never start a relationship as LD or morph one into LD unless there was a manageable time frame. I couldn't handle it.
You are very young. Consider if it's worth giving your time to this circumstance.
Porn is already normal lmao wdym “normalizing”
I agree with this. I think it’s wrong to immediately think you aren’t compatible. Perhaps he enjoys the peace more than you think, and how you can have conversation when it’s deep etc.
Don’t assume, and it’s not a bad thing to ask! Opposites can and do attract. My girlfriend right now is usually much quieter than I am. After some time, it’s easier to get her started with me when it’s something she’s interested in. But when she’s quiet and I’m feeling like I don’t want to talk, it’s nice not having that pressure and to just be
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Sorry, but tik told us trash that feeds you bad ideas. Granted they're tailored to your interests, but there's no quality control whatsoever. By far the most toxic of social media. That being said, OP is also unhinged and needs better support. She made awful choices, AND Tik Tok is bad.
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You want your spouse to be able to do stuff and have fun without them feeling guilty. If you aren't dying, I think she can leave your side.
I like this answer the best. Sorry for your sicknesses tho.
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You mean doing her laundry?
The key word there is WAS. She WAS interested and now she isn't. Trying to “win her back” while she's already in a relationship just makes you seem like the kind of guy who won't listen when she says no.
Probably more common than any of us want to admit, it certainly not something to strive for. You’re 26…you can do better than being someone’s “settle”.
I did, thankyou(: I’m gonna jot this as a learning experience because if anyone treats me similar to how she did I’m walking away.
100% this. She can’t be a good communicator with someone who is completely unwilling to communicate with her.
She is allowed to make anything a boundary issue she wants. Try the therapy, drag her into it if you think it will help.
Maybe the therapist saying weed isn't a big deal might help
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What is more important?
If YOU tell him, you can control the narrative of events of which you KNOW to be the truth. Posting an innapropoate story on social media is a lot less fatal for your relation than a close friend telling your BF that you cheated.
There is no preventing anything here, just damage control.
A partner shouldn't be a project. You started dating him when he was already like this. I think you need to think why you started dating him in the first place. (You've dated a year, so he was already like this.)
Does he live with his family? Does he live with roommates? It's your responsibility to “fix” him or be his mom. I think you need to talk to him and have an honest conversation about your worries. Then, I suggest you ask to go to one of his sessions to talk to the therapist and him, relay your worries about his weight and that he refused to seek help. Then, tell him that HE needs to talk to the people who have been in his life longer (family, I assume) and that HE has to tell him what's going on because he needs support.
Then, I would just vow out and tell him that you appreciate him, but this is too much for you. You've dated one year, this is not your husband or long-term BF who suddenly is in a rough patch and needs support. I don't understand why you got into this relationship in the first place.
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The two of you don't seem compatible.
I feel like it would be sad if she wasn’t happy. If she is then what’s sad about it?
I finished my masters degree last month. It took a while due to COVID restrictions, and my scolarship took a huge hit due to governamental crisis (I worked for a public university). Currently I'm unemployed and studying everyday for a new career. I'm doing live! courses and plan to start a 2 years degree on a new career because, as I said, I can't keep going with my previous career on research… I was developing extreme levels of burnout (bordering PTSD in some scenarios), anxiety and depression.
I started treating a diagnosed ADHD, but my biggest issue is GAD, which I plan to get medical help soon. I can't afford psychological therapy right now, but I had this kind of support for almost an year.
“This animal killed”? How many times do you think the cat killed? Unless it was always locked in the house, it's going to have been hundreds to thousands.
Cats and dogs are both predators, it's literally in their nature to kill.
What's the point then?
You're the one projecting that her relationship is worth less because it doesn't have a “Married” stamp on it.
If she wants to blow up her life, she's more than welcome to.
You all are certainly rooting for her to do that.
He finds certain features attractive. And? Many a person does. I have no other advice than to tell your 'friends' that if they like someone who likes them, then date them.
She’s a liar. Just end it!! This probably isn’t the first time she’s lied. This is just the first time you found out. You don’t seem to want to accept this reality. So stay and waste another year of your life or move on and find an honest person that respects you.
You're not going to lose your appeal.
I think what you said here is a perfect thing to say to him.
I don’t want to lose “sexy time” in our relationship, but I’m not quite sure how to keep it going while we're apart. What are your thoughts?”
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I try to tell her whatever grudge she holds against them to let it go. I try to get her to be close to her family as much as i can….she always pops up with something that idk what she been through with them. Met her mom once seems like a very nice lady. Her kids are great have bonded with them twice for a very short time…it just feels very odd here like i feel something is not right and i wish i knew what this issues are. When we first met we clicked so well and now idk what happened?
Uh NO not everyone has relationship tests and this is incredibly fucked up of him. I would run so fast.
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You're not her kid, or her pet, or her property. She can NOT forbid you from going out.
I understand that she may be a very insecure and jealous person though. But this is not your issue if you're generally a trustworthy partner to begin with. She needs to take care of her issues before dating anyone, tbh, or she'll be plagued with jealousy and insecurity and causes misery to every people she dates… Or it can be that she's the one cheating on you so she's projecting to you, as if you're untrustworthy since she is not loyal…
By the way, OP, you're so young…you're also not obligated to stay put and endure her insecurity.
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Not really a big deal for me if it was the other way around with close girl friends having partner's location. Why would that be a problem? I see other people's location, but I don't really think much of it or do anything with that information. The people I wouldnt want my information shared with is creepy stalkers. I'm assuming closest friends aren't creepy stalkers and trustworthy enough to share location with.
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If you are going to mess with BDSM, you need to check out the reddit sub, and learn how to be safe. Secondly why would he hit you so hard and say you make his so mad? He is not safe to do this with, whether the issue is race or any other issue. Learn how to do the kinks safely and don't do it with this man….
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This is a test to see if she can still manipulate you or if you actually grew a spine. Do not do it.
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In case someone else is lost with it, ED stands for erectile disfunction and not eating disorder in this post. It took me sooo long to understand ?
Let this be a lesson to you, NEVER EVER start a relationship with a woman who still is in contact with their exes unless children are involved. Also remember this quote:”If you consent to it, you deserve everything to fucking get.” Remember that if you give her a second chance, everything that follows is on you. Every future cheating etc is on you and not her.
Personally I think you should leave and if he forced her then she should report him to the police.
I would break up, as I don't think this is healthy anymore. You've given your best, but it seems like she wants something else.
She is free to overlook your efforts, but you're also free to stop those efforts. You're only one human, you can only do so much. I wouldn't continue breaking my back doing things that aren't appreciated. She implied that your everyday help at home, day and night, is less to her than the time that she spends with Bob. That would hurt most people in this position.
Why is she so close to Bob, that she feels fine telling her you (her partner) that Bob does more for her? Is she weighing options or something?This is like the start of a shitty drama series. On the off chance, don't let this turn into a dumb competition of who can do more for her. You're better than that, and you deserve better than that. You deserve to feel secure in your relationship.
If your best isn't enough for her, I would break up so that she can go to Bob. Spend some time on self-care, and use those efforts for someone who will appreciate them. You would not be wrong for breaking up over this. I wouldn't even think to say such a thing to my partner. If I ever felt like I wanted to compare them to a friend like that, I would just break up. That's not healthy behaviour if you intend to stay together.
Trauma is a reason, not an excuse. If things aren't working for her, she should tell you that instead of propping up her friend. Not everyone with trauma can deal with relationships, and not everyone can deal with trauma in relationships. That's OK. It's also not something that should be able to bind you to a relationship.
It's OK to not feel happy about your relationship. Her actions may be caused by trauma, but that doesn't mean you have to stay and deal with it. You have feelings too.
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If you can, get social housing. You need your own space for a while. Lacking alternatives, do you have a spare bedroom? Just be peaceful until your baby is born. You could do with your mum helping you out in the first few weeks. Don’t do anything for husband anymore. He needs to earn his forgiveness, IF that is what you want. A man who doesn’t trust you isn’t a husband. Oh, and go and see Ali with a friend, or your mum and tell her what you think of her. Or write it down. I can’t help but think your marriage wasn’t rock solid in the first place, to cave in so quickly. Think about it.
My 24yo is very much the second one. I personally don’t care about country, am willing to move and am confident finding a job. I just have an issue asking others to adjust for my sake.
Just break up with him. The two of you aren't compatible.
As she said no, nothing happened between them. Plus she said that when she was single and if something would happen would be already happened. On another hand, she said he is not her type, because he likes parties and etc. so they are just a friends, but a the begining of their friendship, he tried to go out with her, she did not wanted, so they remain as friends. The same story applies to other 3 guy friends, they tried, she did not wanted so now they a friends.
Thank goodness I'm not the only one who sees this side of things. While OP is more than welcome to his feelings, we all know we can't blame someone for their past as it's what makes them who they are. There are a few types of men out there and I think this other Italian fellow was not the kind to settle down with. You are and she knew it. The fact she broke it off immediately says she chose you and has been for 5 years! Don't let a quick detail from the past ruin what you've built.
I think you are right. I've never stopped wanting intimacy with my SO not even when he cheated, not when I was so mad at him I felt like throwing dishes at him, etc. This may sound strange… but it's not about him, it's about me. I think when you get to the point you can just go a year without and you are not wanting it… for yourself…. it's likely done.
cheating = divorce
You shouldn't work on marriage with people who lie to you every day until they get caught, who make plans with the intention of continuing the relationship, who don't think about the pain you will experience when they realize your situation.
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I am bracing myself for some downvotes here, but here goes…
There is no disputing that your life is YOURS and you don’t need anyone’s permission to live it as you choose to. Not society’s permission, your daughter’s permission, or the internet’s permission. So that’s that. If you don’t want to babysit/nanny your grandchild- don’t.
But making decisions means living with the consequences and just because you have the right to tell your daughter how you feel and set a boundary, doesn’t mean that she can’t then do the same with you.
Your post says you are 57, which means you were born around 1966. Your son is 35 and your daughter is 32, so you became a mom around 1988 when you were 22.
1988 is not 1958, or even 1968, or 1978. Women were fully in the work force in 1988. You didn’t HAVE to be a mom at 22. You had access to birth control. It was accessible to any woman who chose to take it. The average age of marriage in 1988 was 27 for men and 25 for women, so you married younger and had children younger than your peers. My point being- you made choices and those choices have consequences.
You also say that your oldest son stayed at home until age 35 and his additional needs left you feeling drained and tied down. You want your freedom and are done with parenting- which is totally understandable.
But your daughter is married and having her first child at 32. So I am guessing she didn’t stay at home nearly as long as her brother. You didn’t take a tough stance when your son needed support and tell him you were tired and done with parenting. You exhausted yourself with him and now you are taking a hard stance with your daughter when she wants some help.
It is what it is! She will likely think that you coddled your son and are too naked with her. She will think you are unwilling to offer her help when she needs it. It may affect your relationship with your daughter and your grandchild. It is a consequence of the choices we all make.
You could have waited to have kids until you lived more of your youth but you didn’t. You could have made different choices for your son that weren’t so taxing on you but you didn’t. You aren’t a victim, you are an empowered women who had made many choices that have consequences and the choice to tell your daughter that you are done with parenting duties is one you should make but also know that it will have consequences as all choices do.
I moved in a day. Right before I got sober in the 90s I was in an abusive relationship. It was my only one and I had a friend come with his truck and we packed up everything two dogs and a cat while he was at work. So it can be done. You can rent storage by phone and have somebody come over with the truck and pull everything out and put it in the storage. You’re in Britain so that may be slightly bred different. That is if you want to leave. But if he has a temper, I wouldn’t risk it. People are accidentally killed every day by somebody they didn’t think that harm them like that.
The best time for breakup is yesterday, the second best time is now
Ahhh yes, that brand new saying of “it takes a village to raise a child”. If only previous generations had thought of that idea.
Maybe tell your daughter that you don’t think you are the right person to help raise her child because you clearly raised a selfish person who only thinks of herself.
I hope you get to enjoy the time off that you’ve clearly earned.
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Thank you sooo much, I needed to hear that. I guess my biggest fear is him just deciding he’s over it but I’m trying to be patient and just take it one step at a time, enjoying what we have while we do :,)
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That's not how any of that works.
You arent a deadbeat father if you have a custody agreement that has you spending equal time with him and showing him the right amount of care and affection.
Right now, you're spending all of your time working. Does he see you?
She needs to work, she needs to HELP, and she needs therapy. YOU, dude, need to understand that sometimes a family that is separated is healthier than an angry, awful family that shows a kid it's okay to yell and be ugly to each other. I don't know how y'all are to each other outside of this situation, but keep that in mind.
I know i'm a selfish prick, all i have to say in my defense is that i didn't mean to string her along, i honestly tougth all our interactions were part of the service she provided, i send her 50 bucks a month, not much in USA, but from where we are from is good money. i tougth i was having the “girlfriend experience”
She didn’t. I’m making that connection as I wonder if she would have the same feelings with someone else.
Your friend is selfish. Even if neither of you directly intervened (which it was incredibly brave and risky of you to do so, especially with your own trauma!!) you/he could’ve simply called the police. If your friend was even against doing that and following them at a distance to make sure something worse didn’t happen then I dunno what to tell you. That would’ve been heartless. You did the right thing 100%
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He made it clear he didn't want to be but most likely he would have felt that he had to be.
Don't you think 13 years is long enough to waste on someone like him? Why this commitment to wasting even more time, when he wouldn't even work for 2 entire years?! Has your therapist spoken to you about codependency?
Darvo….Deny, attack, reverse victim and offender. It's a manipulation tactic.
Dump her
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As a woman, I can tell you she will be disappointed ?
But sex will get better as you learn eachother. The love you two have together is the most important part. Focus on that.
I won’t do it for anything or anyone in the world… If I had a magic crystal ball where I could see the future and see where my feelings would take me, I would definitely look at that ball.. but I can’t and it’s really really sad not being able to follow my heart for once..
I don’t think it’s normal for a man in his 30’s to expect his also equally aged girlfriend to never have had an orgasm and when finding out, to be completely crushed and act differently around her.
HE CRIED????? LMFAO WHAT THE FUCK???
It has been a merry-go-round of issues: in the first week of December, she expressed that her “reputation is so ruined” the only way out is killing herself. I took her to a behavioral health center (same place I've taken a suicidal friend in the past) and they said in order to take her in so late at night was if she was referred from an ER. I took her there, and she came out with a pamphlet about depression in minors. She 'passed' the mental health evaluation, probably because she didn't mention any of her delusions. Also, she's not a minor. We went back home, defeated.
A few days later, I took her in to the county behavioral health center and was able to sit in on her visit with the clinician and provide additional context. They scheduled her two appointments (one with a psychiatrist, one with a therapist) and she went to those in mid-December. I assume they didn't jump to treatment options since they were the first visits. The next ones are scheduled in the first week of January. Hopefully they can provide therapy and medication.
No, none of those things! She was very independent before our relationship and aside from this our relationship is very healthy. We encourage eachother to take alone time and keep friendships with friends and family
FINE, you win. I swear to God this sub has been trolling me so hard lately. These “scenarios” are either complete BS or my fellows humans are all idiots.
Good bye.
Instead of talking to her about it after the fact, call her out immediately when she does it. If she gets annoyed by how much you call her out, ask her to imagine how you must feel then having to deal with it that often.
It’s honestly terrifying just how many people don’t know how genetics work.
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I assume you are in the US, so your dad’s insurance should cover her. She should be admitted to a psychiatric institution for the observation.
You also need to think about having kids. If both your mom and sister have problems, it might be genetic, so you need to get tested.
It’s unfair both to you and your fiancé to be caretakers.
Why are you both making 6 figures and a sofa is considered a bribe to him?
Did he ever want to do anything with you before this? Have you previously done big trips with him?
Okay yea you make a point. It’s just my first relationship so I didn’t know if this was something I should be worried about or it’s not really big
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Deep in meditation, the masculine Alchemist realized a fear of intimacy, which hindered his relationships with females. To boil this fear of intimacy demon within, the Alchemist stood next to a girl he secretly admired, until those boiling waters began to simmer. To become an androgynous angel, we must balance our feminine & masculine qualities within, thru first realizing & then working to dissolve our deficiencies, simultaneous oneness and variegatedness
I wish you the best in your life. Good luck.
Good for you
Fuck I wish it were that easy for people with SOs who are averse to seeing a doctor.
Well this is just not true at all. I have no clue what you're basing any of your comment off of. I have been very much aware of her male friends and had no issue with it whatsoever. One of which, she had even mentioned was a distant ex bf.
You seem to be completely missing out on the context of this. It appears to me that you're under the impression that she was having this conversation with me or something. Well that is not the case. She was saying this in exchange of a conversation that she thought I wasn't aware of.
I quite literally mentioned in the post that “it's not like I expected her to not find other men attractive”
Judging by this thread, it is practically unanimous that your accusations of me being “controlling” are beyond far-fetch.
Put yourself first and do what's best for you. This won't get better.
Yes this is the issue I’m having. Logically it make’s obvious sense she got it from me but I haven’t been with anyone else since I last got tested & I have only been with her.
Are you jealous because some people get handed money or that you didn't get handed money?
If you’re going to take a break, you need to be very specific about the terms of that break. Are you both basically single now and you can date and fuck other people, for example?
This is why I quite literally made the parallel of dad traveling overnight to visit his parents – he would not be present that next morning with the kids in Chicago if he’s having pancakes with Mom and Dad at a Waffle House in Topeka.
Happily married couples do spend time together. Married couples who do not let their spouses spend time with anyone else are rarely happy.
Your limits are your limits. She was absolutely free to sleep with whomever she wanted. You're absolutely free to cease communication. There's no right or wrong on either side
What about this is indirect…?
You have stated it all clear as day.
If you marry him you cede control of your body, mind and finances.
He’s telling you DIRECTLY and TO YOUR FACE.
He does not respect you. He believes should you do what he tells you to. You know he will take your money and control it. You know he is controlling.
He is also terrible with money.
What are you thinking?
You will likely end up broke, controlled by a man who is more unreasonable and awful by the day, and miserable.
Why are you considering this? It is plain as day how this will play out. The plan, his plan, is all laid out in front of you.
An agreement made on withheld info, is no agreement.
I beg to differ on that. The agreement between us was to keep finances separate as long as we both are taking care of mutual obligations and take care of our individual obligations. Our agreement was based on that.
And yes, I didn't frame this correctly when I said I didn't want to lie to her. I did lie to her by omission. I do admit to it but it was not on purpose. As I mentioned earlier when I met her and was dating her in my head that was my money (which it wasn't). When it was brought up to pay her student loans I did have a moment of clarity where I did admit that the money was not mine either.
Sorry to disappoint you but this is not Narcos where I was getting dirty money. I got the money in a legit way. If I could get dirty and presuming I had an abundance of it I wouldn't have thought twice to pay off the student loans.
I don’t think your situation is all that similar. If your friend was not gay, I imagine that would change a lot of the dynamics.
Why would you want to stay with her? She clearly checked out of the relationship years ago.
Some boundaries are healthy and some are unhealthy. Discouraging your partner from living their own fulfilling life when they are not doing anything wrong is unhealthy. Plenty of hobbies (live music/edm/movies/arts/drinking) take place late at night.
Set whatever boundaries you are comfortable with but unhealthy boundaries will strain a relationship
Leave your boyfriend (hopefully ex if you continue this) alone. You're trying so desperately to make him into some kind of predator and he doesn't deserve that.
milk allergies don't make your heart cold. this dude is straight up lying to you
Clearly doesn’t like people who disagree with their opine.
Go for curvy cougars 40-50 crowed.
You're right. We need to talk about it. I actually wanted to bring it up in the next time we saw each other. But I feel like he didn't give me the chance, because from my point of view, he suddenly stopped responding. Yes, he could have a reason not to be able to message me on holliday, but there were a few days before he went in which he was home and could probably respond… but that's not the main issue. We should communicate more, I just thought we had more time
That's not what Gyro's 5th lesson taught me
Unfortunately, looks like you don't deserve more than 20% of her attention!
Why do you want someone that doesn't want you?
Why did you block her if you love her? To hurt her, to hurt yourself or to forget her and move on?
Try loving and wanting yourself! Once you love yourself, others will love you too!
Yeah, he didn't need to go to her apartment to smoke. I'm glad you're getting out of this situation, this man has no respect for you as his partner and isn't fit to be in an adult relationship
Ok that's.so nice of you.
Don’t feel petty. You you need to have a talk with your bf.
‘To me it looks very romantic the hike and pic nic near the river and the bracelet for her. He’s texting her till 2 am. ‘There’s something going on. If he hasn’t cheated yet. He’s on his way. She must feel overwhelmed by all the attention she’s getting from him. you shouldn’t let it go too long as he’s already gone far enough.
Also, if she doesn’t want to parent, go after her for child support if/when she ever obtains her own income. It may be squeezing blood from a stone, but she has to live with the consequences.
Are you Muslim? Is this an arranged marriage?
I edited my post so hopefully you can understand the situation better. I also don’t believe in breaks but I think it’s necessary in this case.
Bro, I’m a dude on the complete opposite end of the spectrum and I feel for you. I’ve had partners in tears because they figured I wasn’t attracted to them at all… but it just takes a gawddamned lifetime to but a nut most of the time. My wife is understanding and has worked with me on it and has been patient— I can imagine what it would feel like if she laughed or brushed it off when I was trying to talk about it. That said… maybe she laughed because it isn’t a big deal to her— because she feels loved and because you make sure to get her off prior to penetration. So she could see your fear as silly from her perspective because she’s in love with you because you’re a great guy.
Your LIFE and future is far more important than his feelings.
Believe me, if you break up he'll take no time finding someone else to prey upon.
Divorce isn't an option, he won't go for therapy, a bunch of internet strangers can't help you. What exactly is it you're looking for, because given these options the only thing left is either he cheats and you never find out (I suspect it's already happening) or you just get over it and let him. You're being unrealistic in how to handle this, you want different things, it's either you break up or get the help of a professional.
Because he is gaslighting you into believing that nothing is going on , and that you're being jealous over nothing
He warned the girl that you were there and what he wanted her to say.
You heard her being giggly and flirty before the warning.
You saw the eight calls in half an hour.
He is cheating on you.
PE can be psychological. Has OP tried any sort of therapy with their wife?
When I was in my early 20s I dated a man who struggled with PE. We were young and the Internet was in its infancy, I had no one to talk to about it. I never said a word about it, but thought to myself “this won’t do, how do I help him out?”. I didn’t want to point it out and make him feel badly about it because we were young and I was only his 2nd partner and I knew he felt terribly nervous.
If you don’t want to hear how I fixed it, stop reading now. What I did was: I got into the habit of edging him. It’s give him extended BJs in which I’d back off every time he got close. Somehow I eased him out of his tendency without him even knowing I was doing it. When we broke up 3 years later it was no longer something he suffered from it in any sexual situation. I hope he was able to take that into his next relationship. Years later I’ve read about using the same technique described to help ease PE in a book on sexual satisfaction. I think Passionista or another book by that author.
I feel for OP. It sounds like his wife loves him, but isn’t comfortable talking about this. If improvement is wanted )and this isn’t some sort of medical issue) communication is the missing piece. It’s not like it scared her away before she married, it won’t scare her away now.
My advice to OP is to not let her off the hook. Do not let this issue fester and bubble under the surface, make her talk about it. This is something that should be approached as a team since you are married adults and OP has already started learning and applying knowledge. I think he should have warned her what they were going to be talking about before he jumped in. The reaction seems less mean than uncomfortable. Maybe she was being like me, silent out of fear. This may be something she’s avoided talking about their entire relationship out of worry it would make things worse or make him feel badly AND THEN HE JUST BRINGS IT UP LIKE IT’S NOTHING.
It could be a bit of a mindfuck for her. I’d let this time slide, let her know the subject matter is serious and important, and give her another crack at it. If she refuses to be an adult after that, I’d be extremely concerned. No one wants to be with someone they can’t talk to.
Why are you with someone who hates animals???
Exactly what? Saying insecure about this post is a low IQ response. Any guy who sees his girl texting another guy, even if platonic, should question it. Im guessing you’re a girl too. If the roles were reversed you’d be doing the same thing..
WAKE UP
I'm not a girl, and you are the epitome of insecure.
Awww, little man got his feelings hurt.
Grow up dude. The fact you're on here admitting you're insecure of another man and also your desire to prove to me, a total stranger, that you're of “high value” proves you're an insecure and weak boy. Go off with your one trick insults though!
Don't infect the weak and immuno compressed is a good rule for life.
I mean he seems to have the leverage, hes 10 years younger than you , and at 39 its about to get worse for you.
You can’t, because you love her and part of love is exclusivity. Letting go of a relationship is hard and it sounds like she wants out but doesn’t realise it yet. Wanting an open relationship is okay if you both start that way but it never works when one side wants it and the other just goes along with it.
Break up and she may realise she was wrong or you may realise you don’t need her.
Nope I haven't, but this is all within the realm of this relationship. If the terms don't work for me I'd have to break up. But as long as I'm in a relationship, this is the way I'm going to act.
Sounds a lot more like a porn addiction and not a kink or fetish.
IMO, yes you were wrong. Risk to infant is infinitesimal. Weird stuff going on with your parents, too.
What future is there with a man in his 40s who lives alone and lives paycheck to paycheck?
I'm a broke ass single mom. If I didn't have kids, I'd have so much more saved, and I'd be able to do so much more.
I guess my point is: he has no intention of growing. He is who he is going to be. You are 25, and the next 5, 10, 15 years, you are likely to grow as a person quite a bit.
verified account, voice messages, facetimed, not a catfish, that´s the only things I can say with absolute certainty about him and his intentions as of yet.
Get a visa if you want to stay in this country, not a wife.
Bro….
It sounds like either he tried to get with her and she didn’t reciprocate or he cheated (either emotionally, physically, or both) and now he is trying to make up for it.
I think you need to sit down with him and have a serious discussion about your feelings, boundaries, and why his sudden change in his mood towards you (and not his “she healed” me reasons). If I were in your shoes, I would probably also ask him if he has romantic feelings towards her. He did allude to thinking about being with her romantically and possibly talking to her about being together if he told you “they couldn’t be together because…”
I also think it’s time you determine what you want in your relationship and friendships. You stopped being friends with men because he felt uncomfortable, however he has, in my opinion, been disrespecting you for years with this coworker (his vocal attraction to her and now his closeness with her). Maybe it’s time you get your social life and friends back and not out of spite, but more to take back what you lost because of him. Also, do you want to be with a man who continuously disrespects you and dismisses your feelings?
Good luck!
I don't think either of these people is ready for marriage. They have different goals, different spending styles and they don't communicate well at all. Her hiding that amount of debt from him and expecting him to pay it off is not good.
You already know what your options are here, and it's also clear to a bystander that he doesn't get what this means for a woman's body and her opportunities. It's OK not to want what he's demanding. Choose what feels right for you.
I mean, if you both consent and set boundaries there's nothing wrong with it. But if you're not into it that's also absolutely fine.
So I can understand wanting privacy, but realistically this comes off more suspicious than anything.
I was involved in the music industry for a while and a lot of those guys had “friends” like this all over the place.
She’s establishing with people a consistent line of “my boyfriend abuses me” so that WHEN, not if, she goes to the police it will be a lot more believable. She’ll have “proof” and a history of times it has happened before. Break up with her before you catch domestic violence charges. I suggest not doing it in person, if you do it in person MAKE SURE you bring someone else with you. Possibly a friend of yours and her brother (since he has already shown he takes this serious by telling her she needed to explain it was a hickey).
You do realize that this fucking guy has KILLED ALL OF YOUR DOGS, right? This is so sick, I just….can’t.
Please, get out. You, not your pup, are safe around him.
Yo…you can’t be bringing the pussy AND have to pay the full cost of the room. Y’all should go 50/50 or alternate paying.
Something sketch is happening with your BF. The fact he suggesting getting rooms but is suddenly to busy to show…you aren’t his only person.
Sounds like you both have different paths you want to take in life.
Thank you! I read this and my first thought was OP is an ass! As long as he has his high paying job and he can relax his life is good. His wife is sleeping her life away and he’s worried about housework.
He’s not responsible to manage his mothers trauma. He’s not a therapist and he’s not a pawn.
One of the most important rules of being a decent parent is not projecting your marital issues onto your children.
Holding onto bitterness and resentment for decades only continues the cycle of trauma to the next generation.
Life isn’t fair. Bad things happen to good people all the fucking time. It’s not fair her husband cheated on her. It’s not fair he divorced her. But they choose to bring children into this world and it’s their responsibility to maintain healthy co-parenting dynamics.
If you’re so bitter about a decade old divorce that you would never see your own children again that’s a problem you need to fix. OP not talking to his father will not help her anyways. It won’t fix anything.
Sometimes people get so wrapped up in their own emotional pain and internal sense of vengeance they don’t care who else they hurt. And you being hurt doesn’t justify hurting others.
She needs to go to therapy and work through her shit instead of taking it out on her own children.
Refuse to pay, retract your money and go buy a house for market rate. It’s the principal of the matter! It’s only gonna cost you $800k more to keep your pride intact.
Yes. Mom here. Former girl. So thoughtful. Good thinking.
Troll post!!
I am truly glad. It's a massive accomplishment that we need to celebrate. People who haven't had the displeasure of living with an abusive partner will never truly understand what it's like and how hard leaving is.
For me it's been 5 years on 25 March so we can almost celebrate together. I remember the date because it was the day after my birthday and it's the best gift that he ever got me that he would finally agree to the divorce I so desperately wanted.
Even if it was true, she shouldn't have said that . She is either stupid or too honest to even confess that.
She has successfully wrecked the relationship without actually committing adultery.
However, you must decide and figure how much you going to let it wreck you.
Personally, I know that certain things needn't be asked or known like in your case. It's a blissful in being ignorant sometimes. I don't pry things that cannot be put back or is destructive.
The only way to come out of this is a little powerplay which is being confident yet making your wife stew on it for a while. Let her absorb her consequences and learn. Or ” perhaps, I must think about our neighbour while we are doing it. “
I know it sounds petty but desperate times ,desperate measures….
I don’t believe she was being abusive at all. This man is a lying sack of shit. If she was physical that’s not okay. I’d bet money she was trying to get away from him after he had enough of her “disrespect”.
If this is real then I am having secondhand embarrassment on her behalf.
No wtf the dude. It’s just a dream. Don’t make it weird.
If you’re ever going to do that definitely don’t do it with your girlfriend. Wait till your single and do it with a tandom
I think in your gut your trending towards respecting her boundaries in perpetuity and I would raise a toast to you for doing so.
Your wife is incredibly toxic.
This is my favorite single miserable dog mom response. Inject it right into my veins
This is so wholesome.
I wouldn't worry about it, just trust if he's okay then he's okay. Sometimes our arm's fall asleep but we enjoy it regardless so we don't want to move.
You’re so right and I do agree 100% I just can’t find the courage to do it but I’m trying to do it! I want to post an update next week because I will see him but I think it’s I don’t know what to say because there’s either kids around to staff around us. Lol
Try thinking of your kids. Is this the model of family life you want to show your kids? Then use that as the motivation to leave.
You should never abandon your child under any circumstances.
Holy shit, you’ve been having BAD sex for three years with a grown man who doesn’t have the emotional intelligence to do the one thing you’re asking—and you STILL haven’t put up any boundaries?? Girl. Stop having sex with him the moment he asks that stupid question. I don’t blame you for being turned off by it. Just by him asking—firstly, most women aren’t going to orgasm after one minute, and secondly, he knows you don’t understand your own orgasm—proves that he doesn’t care for your feelings as much as you think he does. Really think hard about why you’re letting this man have sex with you who doesn’t bother to take your feelings into consideration.
Can't gaslight me mate, you're a cheater no doubt about it. You're definitely her first “real” relationship, probably first in other things too, and you took advantage of that. Guilty my ass, what a lame way to brag about it though.
You’re definitely one weirdo sister
Before blowing up your life I would hire a private investigator to get the real story of where she is going and who she is seeing .
I think the question you have to ask yourself is: “Do I want parents in my life?” Because there may be a tipping point where you you do enough damage to them that they don't want to hurt themselves more by later attempts at reconnection, if you have a change of heart. At the end of the day, if you take polyamory out of the equation, they are still the parents you had.
The fact of the matter is, they had a consensual sex and relationship dynamic which made them happy and worked for them. They were not harming anyone. Many people have a hard time coping with the idea of their parents having a sex life, with even conventional monogamy and relatively generic sexual preferences.
Please understand though, this is 100% a “you” problem, though. They are not required to kill a part of their life (which they never intentionally wanted to include you in,) because of your extreme reaction. You can totally side step this and cut your parents out of your life. Or, you can make the effort, go into therapy, and try to work out the reasons you react in such a manner to their lifestyle.
How quickly can you get away from him? Could your friend help you to a better place? I really trust your intuition with this boy. It seems like too much going on in your life now, and if you could remove his negativity, and focus on your studies, this could make life better, more fulfilling. Also, do you feel physically safe with him? He is so damaging to you emotionally that I don’t understand how or why you tolerate it.
No woman should be calling a married man cuddle bear. You’re not reading into it.
Is the flat the kind you could share with a platonic roommate? The housing market being bad means you could find someone to share the rent quickly. Take that power back from him!
But he never sees her or meets her bur hooksup with other women?
You are getting scammed, as everyone else has said.
How many times have I read this post in the past…2-3 weeks now, Op?
I suspect this around him being annoyed about you changing plans and flaking on things that you are doing with him, but he is seeing you doing this in all aspects of your life and interpreting that as being unreliable.
but maybe ask him why he gets so upset about it and ask him what he is thinking.
Our child wasn’t planned. I was always in the boat of my phone is an open book, but she always felt it to be a more private thing. So I know it was wrong to check it but I had a gut feeling and it appears I may have been right.
I have no clue what to do from here. I’ve been battling knowing these texts for a week now. The thoughts consume me. But I also want us to stay together for our kid. But I also want to leave and I feel we’re in too deep at this point anyway.
In all my instiances they were all friends. In the OPs post they were friends or friends of friends. If you cant tell your own friends to not sexually harass someone without being scared they will kick your ass, you might want to reconsider your company.
If you are talking about strangers, there are a lot of advice out there on how to approach situations with the goal of de-escalating them. I use those when I help people out of situations where I'm terrified the original agressor will kick my ass. Reading up on a few of those might be helpfull. Helping people who are being sexually harassed and assaulted can always be risky, having experienced it quite a few times myself I couldnt live with myself if I saw someone else go trough it without doing what I can to de-escalate and make sure the victim of it is safe and cared for after.
Well he is acting like a child, which to be fair to him, he is. Your response is childish as well, but to be fair to you you still are. With 2 kids.
Go to couples counseling and learn how to be adults. 2 innocent people are counting on you to do so.
There's a difference between a getting slapped on the ass, and getting beaten. If you think it's self-centered of me to be concerned for my own personal health you have no concept of personal boundaries.
I guess the real question is was he mad he slept in his bed or mad he slept in any bed with you? I’d wrinkle my nose up at (almost) anyone else sleeping in my bed. If this is more of an “inappropriate/ incest” type concern from him I’m with you. It’s wildly disturbing that is his thought process and I would wonder why it is. Is there something in his past? Further, does he have similar reservations about kids sleeping in a bed with a paternal person? Is it strictly a concern around opposite sex sleeping or is that relevant? Something weird at play and I understand your disgust in him/his thinking.
I love this comment ?
Wow, she was literally looking for any tiny excuse to freak out and break up with you, wasn’t she? Best be done with that nonsense, time to move on and find a nice non-toxic partner.
$500 more isn’t much and needs to be fair. My bf makes 300K and I still qualify for ebt. He still expects me to pay for my own dates and equal tenet if we lived together. This one is different.
Catalogue the evidence, let her go on her trip, and tell her when she's in the air so she gets the message when she lands that you're divorcing her selfish, classless, low value, deceitful, cheating ass.
It just takes time and distance. It is OK to feel sad, it is OK to feel your feelings.
Should I talk to her about it or just let it go?
You’re not doing her any favors by being “friends” with her when she’s obviously not over your relationship. For your own sanity, and to help her move on, like it or not, you need to cut ties. Maybe in the future when she’s in a healthier place if you’re both interested in an actual friendship without these weird strings attached, you can try again to be friends. Or not.
So you never responded to her text? I don't understand why people don't just talk to their SO'S when something seems off or is bothering them. I would have immediately called my husband if he sent me something flirty that was out of context of our conversation. Especially if I was questioning if that was meant for me.
I don't know why comments keep getting deleted by the bots
Can you picture dealing with this for the rest of your life? Since he will not seek help, it will get worse. Think about your mental health. You matter, too.
It's REALLY soon, though
It’s not suspicious in the slightest bit
i agree with everything you’re saying but i still feel like she does care for me, and im not trying to be pitiful but i feel like i am hard to care for – relatively. and i can’t help but feel like i have some sort of emotional disconnect between everything. i don’t feel a lot but she can make me feel. not always but she can so idk, im gonna play it out it a bit for now i think
He can have any girl he wants, so idk why he's so hung up on me.
Because you're the one he cannot have.
Is he paying your bills? No? BYE
Yes, but he responded to OP’s call with something that was clearly meant to destroy his marriage. “Recognize your wife’s lipstick on my cock” is obviously this guy trying to hurt OP as much as possible, which means that photo is the best he has. Which is nothing.
If he’d really been hanging OP’s wife this whole time I am sure he’d have MUCH worse photos. But all he had was this?
I would break it off completely and move on. She may want to get back together if she doesn’t find anyone better while she’s sleeping around, and I wouldn’t want to be that back up second place person.
Thanks for all of your advice. I think he wants me to break up with him first so he'll don't feel guilty about it and will end up saying that “you're the one who left”
You seem to be taking accountability for this really well, and both you and your bf seem empathetic and well-meaning. I think you’ll be fine if you work on that self-destructive part of yourself. (I know what it’s like to need to do that work too.) I truly hope the best for you.
Please watch Jigsaw by Daniel Sloss on Netflix. He's a comedian with very insightful thoughts on relationships. You also need a laugh.
Your bf was looking for a mommy. No woman his age would go for that, so he looked for a young woman with a history of bad relationship choices and there you were!
'what do I do or say to fix it' ??
“Honey I don't like the sleeve” that's, technically all you need to do or say.
I think you more so need to have a GOOD talk with your girlfriend about your sex life in general. What are you into, what is she into etcetera. You don't know right now, you're purely going off on assumptions and creating stories in your head that are probably not real. Or, are they? You'll never know, you need to ask.
You need to ask if your size is not enough for her, if that's the case, you can always pack up and decide to not be okay with that. But maybe sometimes she just wants it a bit different and it's not meant for something all the time, which.. Makes sense to me anyway. I would never suggest my bf to do that, I can't imagine those things are even remotely comfortable? Serious question.
Instead she could also just, you know use a toy on herself while doing stuff to you? I think the idea of a sleeve is not a bad idea entirely but it shouldn't be the main thing.. Like ever. Just occasionally sure, I get that. I understand your insecurity though, if I were a) a guy, and b) in your position I'd immediately pull the “wtf is going on here” card lol..