I think I am ready. I've already asked her out. She politely declined but we have plans to hang out soon. I don't want to put any pressure on her but I really enjoy her company.
If you don't have trust, you no longer have a relationship….Leave.
It's not what she ended up doing, it was the fact she is being decietful all around. She already hung out with the guy behind your back before and never admitted, he did, then she came clean. She wanted to break up and had already arranged to go out with 2 guys, possibly staying with one within AN HOUR of the split.
You are being gaslight very nude. She is making every excuse in the book as to why she wouldn't have slept with him. Bringing her brother as a witness, taking a lie detector, she doesn't look at him that way, he would never do that to her are all typical cheater excuses. If she went out with a guy behind your back and admited it only after being exposed, how many more skeletons and lies are in her closet. You are right about her building trust seems forced, she was wrong and she knows it. She is trying to save what she can, but will eventually do the same things again not to mention she probably hasn't come even close to clean at this point.
Break it off and go no contact. She sounds immature and dishonest at best.
The sister is manic/bipolar and on drugs. I had a girlfriend like that about 20 years ago. It’s not pretty when they are on these benders. They actively looking to break and destroy things. They come up with these crazy stories in their heads and then will violently attack random people around, sometimes with weapons.
Lol, ya you’re right, chances of getting pregnant and having the baby are the only thing that matter. Not like the actual relationship and parenting of the child, that’s clearly unimportant. I clearly just don’t understand bIoLoGy ??♀️
Why shouldn't he tell? If its not actively used and they are in a trusting relationship, there's no harm done. If their in an open relationship he will already know tinder is being used, no harm done. If the bf doesn't know and the account is actively being used he has a right to know. What happens after between the bf & gf is between them. If she's cheating he's dodged a bullet. If she isn't and can't be honest enough to tell him better to find out early on so they can either work on their relationship or end it as needed. As a friend, as a decent human being, OP has a moral obligation to inform his friend about what he has found, it is then up to the bf what he does with the information.
Red flags all over… he talks about marriage after only 4 months (who does that???) and not only to you, which would be rushed but sort of acceptable if it was posed as a question to discuss about your general feelings… but he involved HIS parents and worse of all… YOUR PARENTS!!! Why!!! To pressure you, of course, to create social pressure on you to be on board with his nonsense.
But then the next day he tells you he's insecure about it because of your past abortion. This is all on purpose. He wants you to beg him to stay with you, he wants you to ask him how you can “make it up to him” when nothing of this is about him at all, in fact when you had the abortion you didn't even know that there exists in the world a person with your boyfriend's name and face. The thing is: he wants to trap you in a marriage now. But he wants to trap you feeling that you owe him, that you are less than him, that you should serve him and make whatever he wants to “correct it”. The thing is, if you had not had an abortion, it would be something else he's mad about, something about you, some weakness or insecurity about you to exploit or make you feel less than him, so he can use you and abuse you. RUN!!!!!!!!!
You don’t need an ultimatum. Things are WELL past that point already. You need to simply break up with this guy. I believe you love him and that he loves you, but love by itself is not enough to sustain a relationship. Your boyfriend has some shit to work through with a therapist and an anger management counselor before he should even consider being in a relationship again. I 100% promise you things are not going to change with this guy. You need to break up with him, and I recommend that you tell him to see an anger management counselor or every girlfriend he ever ends up with in the future is going to dump him too. Best of luck to you.
Your post was removed for the following reason(s):
Your title did not include at least two ages/genders or was not formatted correctly
Posts must:
include details about the involved parties including ages, genders, and length of relationship, and
request advice in real situations involving two or more people
We are enforcing the two rules listed above by making all titles start with ages/genders in the following format:
[##X][##X], [## X][## X], or [##-X][##-X] where ## is the age and X is the gender (currently M, F, T, A, NB, FTM, MTF but more can be added). You can have more than two ages/genders listed, but you must have at least two at the beginning of your title. Here is an example:
Your post was removed for the following reason(s):
Your title did not include at least two ages/genders or was not formatted correctly
Posts must:
include details about the involved parties including ages, genders, and length of relationship, and
request advice in real situations involving two or more people
We are enforcing the two rules listed above by making all titles start with ages/genders in the following format:
[##X][##X], [## X][## X], or [##-X][##-X] where ## is the age and X is the gender (currently M, F, T, A, NB, FTM, MTF but more can be added). You can have more than two ages/genders listed, but you must have at least two at the beginning of your title. Here is an example:
Your post was removed for the following reason(s):
Your title did not include at least two ages/genders or was not formatted correctly
Posts must:
include details about the involved parties including ages, genders, and length of relationship, and
request advice in real situations involving two or more people
We are enforcing the two rules listed above by making all titles start with ages/genders in the following format:
[##X][##X], [## X][## X], or [##-X][##-X] where ## is the age and X is the gender (currently M, F, T, A, NB, FTM, MTF but more can be added). You can have more than two ages/genders listed, but you must have at least two at the beginning of your title. Here is an example:
Why are you maintaining a business relationship with someone you seemingly aren't willing to talk to on any basis that isn't 100% necessary?
And in her shoes, yeah, it is kinda weird that you get separated and then immediately jump for a woman who's pretty much the same age she was when you first hooked up, then quickly got that woman pregnant before the divorce even got settled
Especially if you don't tell her ahead of time, everything about this kinda feels spiteful, though obviously we on the internet don't know the situation like you do (which makes it more important to give details here, imo you do look kinda bad here)
The best thing you can possibly do is be civil, and act completely unbothered by her existence, and ideally, if she tries to touch your boyfriend in any way, he should calmly, but sternly put her in her place. And that looks something like, “please stop touching me. You’re being disrespectful and highly inappropriate. I have zero interest in any kind of relationship with you at all, so I will remain civil, but you need to back all the way off.” And all the while, you just need to stand there and smile pleasantly. Because here’s the thing, you’ve already won. You have the man, and he doesn’t want her. There’s absolutely no need for you to put yourself in any kind of debate/situation with this woman. At the end of the gathering, he’s going home with you. I absolutely wouldn’t seek out interaction with her, but I wouldn’t go out of my way to avoid her either. She just doesn’t matter. You all should hang around the friends if you want to. And whenever she tries to insert herself where it’s unwanted, then your boyfriend should be the one to put her in check. None of this is your responsibility to handle, and the most graceful thing you can do is just rise above it, and not let her live rent free in your head. If he continues to visually and vocally choose you, and rejects her, she’ll eventually get bored of it, but he needs to remain consistent and firm, with her, and the friends. Her disrespect and inappropriate behavior will NOT ever be tolerated by you 2, and they’re not true friends if they condone any of her behavior. I think the main reason this still bothers you so much is because your boyfriend hasn’t stepped up, and vocally and publicly denounced her behavior. On some level, that seems like he not only tolerates it, but secretly gets some sort of validation out of it. If that’s the case, I see why you are still bothered, but that’s a boyfriend problem, not a crazy ex problem.
I would spend an afternoon putting all the special events into your calendar, and then setting alerts to go off 2 weeks or so ahead (or however long in advance you’d need to plan. 2 weeks is usually good enough to get a decent dinner reservation)
Also set up weekly notifications to think about the last time you did something. I don’t think you actually need to know “it’s been x days since I did something thoughtful.” Instead just give yourself a cue to have a think and see if you feel due for something special.
There’s also some easier ones to try and make a habit. Ex: everytime I go in a gas station I get my wife her favorite drink
I think you don't “need” to hear anything. She wears what she deems comfortable: for a lot of women, it means taking back their sexuality and embracing the shame they've felt for years. You need to find it in yourself to learn this does not mean she wants people to look at her. You don't need to hear her say that. You just want it so you can feel better.
Now, this might get me downboted, but seeking reassurance is fine from your partner: I always find it great if my partner can help me build up my self-esteem. You can ask her if doing this helps her feel comfortable with herself, and you can key in the context clues from that. However, we cannot depend on our partners for our emotional support all the time because they are human, too.
I think, cunstructively, what you can do to help both of you feel better, is hype her up more! Tell her how good she looks in her outfits; how good her makeup looks, tell her how the colors make her look good. You can be the voice that stands out because you need to tell yourself your voice is the one that matters.
Are you introverted or need a lot of alone time? Have you considered living apart again? (Some people just need their own space)
It sounds like you just miss your “you time” but that's no excuse to get snappy either. Maybe prior to playing games or whatever it is you need to unwind, tell her you're going to do x for x amount of time and then you will spend time together
That's what the human body often does when being in a happy relationship and aging past the 30s.
Sorry, pro tip: no,aining weight is not something ethereal. You pack on weight because you eat more, move less, and/or combination of both. Simple thermodinamics. It has nothing to do with being in a happy relationship nor being over 30.
There are dozens of things you could have done to get yourself off, dude. You could have imagined you and your wife having sex. You could have masturbated to any nudes she sent you. You could write erotic stories featuring you and her.
But you chose the one thing, other nude women, she told you not to do.
Same as any other difficult situation with your wife: validate, apologize, rectify.
Practice that in your head till you get it: validate, apologize, rectify.
Don't defend your actions, don't spin the blame onto her.
Take it on the chin and let her take the lead, once you've apologized.
This is all in your head. You asked him to stop (watching porn in front of you), but now you still don't believe him and are upset he ever watched porn in the first place. That is unreasonable. Even if he secretly still watches porn in private when you're not around, that's really not your business and if you think it is, you're being overly controlling and your relationship is probably going to end badly because of it.
Also, 24 is EXTREMELY young. It’s possible at 24 you have never seen death up close before. Most 24 year olds are not ready for marriage or to handle health crises in their own. At 24, when I had something as relatively minor as a gallbladder surgery, I immediately relied on my parents.
Being told at 24 that you are going to marry to someone who maybe doesn’t have 24 years left and much of it will be spent suffering, while you have to be their caretaker WHILE your own parents are withdrawing their support from you… that is a lot to handle.
Peole in this thread, including OP to an extent, are being cruel to the gf.
Honestly, I don’t understand how some people can be friends with exes. You need to heal and move on and how can you if you’re still hanging out hoping she’ll dump this guy and come back. My advice, stop being friends with her, she’s not your friend, she’s an ex. Go out with your friends tomorrow and just have a good time, as much as you can and try to avoid her and him. If you can’t do this then I would avoid hanging out with your friends when she’s around. Don’t make your friends pick sides, that’s not cool. But being friends with her won’t allow you to fully move on. Good luck.
thank you :/ i agree that this wasn’t very fair, but in the moment i just get worked up and try too desperately to “fix” the issue even if that means taking the blame, so i ended up feeling guilty for falling asleep which really doesn’t make sense. he said the reason he didn’t let me know he got back safe was because i wasn’t responding.. but i don’t really get that lol. i need to work on my anxiety because it’s embarrassing to have to ask for my partner to be kind to me
It's worth breaking up if you've talked to him about fixing the behavior and he doesn't.
But if you haven't mentioned it being a problem, he might not realize it is one. Especially if that's how he was raised, to him it's normal.
Edit: spelling
I think I am ready. I've already asked her out. She politely declined but we have plans to hang out soon. I don't want to put any pressure on her but I really enjoy her company.
Your boyfriend sucks, you should get a new one
I could try that!
If you don't have trust, you no longer have a relationship….Leave.
It's not what she ended up doing, it was the fact she is being decietful all around. She already hung out with the guy behind your back before and never admitted, he did, then she came clean. She wanted to break up and had already arranged to go out with 2 guys, possibly staying with one within AN HOUR of the split.
You are being gaslight very nude. She is making every excuse in the book as to why she wouldn't have slept with him. Bringing her brother as a witness, taking a lie detector, she doesn't look at him that way, he would never do that to her are all typical cheater excuses. If she went out with a guy behind your back and admited it only after being exposed, how many more skeletons and lies are in her closet. You are right about her building trust seems forced, she was wrong and she knows it. She is trying to save what she can, but will eventually do the same things again not to mention she probably hasn't come even close to clean at this point.
Break it off and go no contact. She sounds immature and dishonest at best.
The sister is manic/bipolar and on drugs. I had a girlfriend like that about 20 years ago. It’s not pretty when they are on these benders. They actively looking to break and destroy things. They come up with these crazy stories in their heads and then will violently attack random people around, sometimes with weapons.
You got a vasectomy so you obviously don’t want a child? Why don’t you just let her deal with it as she sees fit?
Nope. Not all of them.
Ehh, I’ve babysat and sent cute “look at your cute kid” pictures. However there would be no need for them to send me pictures.
There’s no way she’s getting other tickets. This concert didn’t even go up for general sale because everything was nabbed immediately.
I have no advice but I wanted you to know you're not alone
Lol, ya you’re right, chances of getting pregnant and having the baby are the only thing that matter. Not like the actual relationship and parenting of the child, that’s clearly unimportant. I clearly just don’t understand bIoLoGy ??♀️
u/MusicSmall5044, it looks like you're trying to post a throwaway submission. Your account is too young and/or your comment karma is too low.
The right way to do it is to create a brand new Reddit account that begins with ThrowRA.
Please create a new account that starts with ThrowRA in the username and try again. Please note that we will not make exceptions to this rule.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Thank you. I feel I'm going to be telling her after Christmas, this whole thing is eating me alive
Why shouldn't he tell? If its not actively used and they are in a trusting relationship, there's no harm done. If their in an open relationship he will already know tinder is being used, no harm done. If the bf doesn't know and the account is actively being used he has a right to know. What happens after between the bf & gf is between them. If she's cheating he's dodged a bullet. If she isn't and can't be honest enough to tell him better to find out early on so they can either work on their relationship or end it as needed. As a friend, as a decent human being, OP has a moral obligation to inform his friend about what he has found, it is then up to the bf what he does with the information.
Red flags all over… he talks about marriage after only 4 months (who does that???) and not only to you, which would be rushed but sort of acceptable if it was posed as a question to discuss about your general feelings… but he involved HIS parents and worse of all… YOUR PARENTS!!! Why!!! To pressure you, of course, to create social pressure on you to be on board with his nonsense.
But then the next day he tells you he's insecure about it because of your past abortion. This is all on purpose. He wants you to beg him to stay with you, he wants you to ask him how you can “make it up to him” when nothing of this is about him at all, in fact when you had the abortion you didn't even know that there exists in the world a person with your boyfriend's name and face. The thing is: he wants to trap you in a marriage now. But he wants to trap you feeling that you owe him, that you are less than him, that you should serve him and make whatever he wants to “correct it”. The thing is, if you had not had an abortion, it would be something else he's mad about, something about you, some weakness or insecurity about you to exploit or make you feel less than him, so he can use you and abuse you. RUN!!!!!!!!!
Well knowing all that doesn’t change what you’d say?
You don’t need an ultimatum. Things are WELL past that point already. You need to simply break up with this guy. I believe you love him and that he loves you, but love by itself is not enough to sustain a relationship. Your boyfriend has some shit to work through with a therapist and an anger management counselor before he should even consider being in a relationship again. I 100% promise you things are not going to change with this guy. You need to break up with him, and I recommend that you tell him to see an anger management counselor or every girlfriend he ever ends up with in the future is going to dump him too. Best of luck to you.
Yeah, i think she deserve to know before she do something so permanent, is just that tell her and then block her seems to hurtful.
People wonder why society is going to hell in a handbasket but refuse to take any kind of action when they see obvious harassment and abuse in public.
The abusers have won when no one will say anything or help even in public.
The only thing necessary for evil to triumph is when good people do nothing.
I'm glad you are commited to doing something. You are a rare individual in these worrisome times.
How did you get 27 and 18? I thought 30 and 21 (which is still disgusting don't get me wrong) but did he mention how long they dated before marrying?
Hello /u/Pale-Ad-3941,
Your post was removed for the following reason(s):
Your title did not include at least two ages/genders or was not formatted correctly
Posts must:
include details about the involved parties including ages, genders, and length of relationship, and
request advice in real situations involving two or more people
We are enforcing the two rules listed above by making all titles start with ages/genders in the following format:
[##X][##X], [## X][## X], or [##-X][##-X] where ## is the age and X is the gender (currently M, F, T, A, NB, FTM, MTF but more can be added). You can have more than two ages/genders listed, but you must have at least two at the beginning of your title. Here is an example:
[34NB][88-F] We are two people in an example post
Please resubmit with a corrected title.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Hello /u/Pale-Ad-3941,
Your post was removed for the following reason(s):
Your title did not include at least two ages/genders or was not formatted correctly
Posts must:
include details about the involved parties including ages, genders, and length of relationship, and
request advice in real situations involving two or more people
We are enforcing the two rules listed above by making all titles start with ages/genders in the following format:
[##X][##X], [## X][## X], or [##-X][##-X] where ## is the age and X is the gender (currently M, F, T, A, NB, FTM, MTF but more can be added). You can have more than two ages/genders listed, but you must have at least two at the beginning of your title. Here is an example:
[34NB][88-F] We are two people in an example post
Please resubmit with a corrected title.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Hello /u/Pale-Ad-3941,
Your post was removed for the following reason(s):
Your title did not include at least two ages/genders or was not formatted correctly
Posts must:
include details about the involved parties including ages, genders, and length of relationship, and
request advice in real situations involving two or more people
We are enforcing the two rules listed above by making all titles start with ages/genders in the following format:
[##X][##X], [## X][## X], or [##-X][##-X] where ## is the age and X is the gender (currently M, F, T, A, NB, FTM, MTF but more can be added). You can have more than two ages/genders listed, but you must have at least two at the beginning of your title. Here is an example:
[34NB][88-F] We are two people in an example post
Please resubmit with a corrected title.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Why are you maintaining a business relationship with someone you seemingly aren't willing to talk to on any basis that isn't 100% necessary?
And in her shoes, yeah, it is kinda weird that you get separated and then immediately jump for a woman who's pretty much the same age she was when you first hooked up, then quickly got that woman pregnant before the divorce even got settled
Especially if you don't tell her ahead of time, everything about this kinda feels spiteful, though obviously we on the internet don't know the situation like you do (which makes it more important to give details here, imo you do look kinda bad here)
I know that’s why I’m trying to either sort out my relationship or leave before that happens. I don’t want a baby if that’s all he wants me for.
How do you know it’s happening? Is it something you can confront her about and discuss with her?
The best thing you can possibly do is be civil, and act completely unbothered by her existence, and ideally, if she tries to touch your boyfriend in any way, he should calmly, but sternly put her in her place. And that looks something like, “please stop touching me. You’re being disrespectful and highly inappropriate. I have zero interest in any kind of relationship with you at all, so I will remain civil, but you need to back all the way off.” And all the while, you just need to stand there and smile pleasantly. Because here’s the thing, you’ve already won. You have the man, and he doesn’t want her. There’s absolutely no need for you to put yourself in any kind of debate/situation with this woman. At the end of the gathering, he’s going home with you. I absolutely wouldn’t seek out interaction with her, but I wouldn’t go out of my way to avoid her either. She just doesn’t matter. You all should hang around the friends if you want to. And whenever she tries to insert herself where it’s unwanted, then your boyfriend should be the one to put her in check. None of this is your responsibility to handle, and the most graceful thing you can do is just rise above it, and not let her live rent free in your head. If he continues to visually and vocally choose you, and rejects her, she’ll eventually get bored of it, but he needs to remain consistent and firm, with her, and the friends. Her disrespect and inappropriate behavior will NOT ever be tolerated by you 2, and they’re not true friends if they condone any of her behavior. I think the main reason this still bothers you so much is because your boyfriend hasn’t stepped up, and vocally and publicly denounced her behavior. On some level, that seems like he not only tolerates it, but secretly gets some sort of validation out of it. If that’s the case, I see why you are still bothered, but that’s a boyfriend problem, not a crazy ex problem.
It’s great you want to get better at this 🙂
I would spend an afternoon putting all the special events into your calendar, and then setting alerts to go off 2 weeks or so ahead (or however long in advance you’d need to plan. 2 weeks is usually good enough to get a decent dinner reservation)
Also set up weekly notifications to think about the last time you did something. I don’t think you actually need to know “it’s been x days since I did something thoughtful.” Instead just give yourself a cue to have a think and see if you feel due for something special.
There’s also some easier ones to try and make a habit. Ex: everytime I go in a gas station I get my wife her favorite drink
I think you don't “need” to hear anything. She wears what she deems comfortable: for a lot of women, it means taking back their sexuality and embracing the shame they've felt for years. You need to find it in yourself to learn this does not mean she wants people to look at her. You don't need to hear her say that. You just want it so you can feel better.
Now, this might get me downboted, but seeking reassurance is fine from your partner: I always find it great if my partner can help me build up my self-esteem. You can ask her if doing this helps her feel comfortable with herself, and you can key in the context clues from that. However, we cannot depend on our partners for our emotional support all the time because they are human, too.
I think, cunstructively, what you can do to help both of you feel better, is hype her up more! Tell her how good she looks in her outfits; how good her makeup looks, tell her how the colors make her look good. You can be the voice that stands out because you need to tell yourself your voice is the one that matters.
Are you introverted or need a lot of alone time? Have you considered living apart again? (Some people just need their own space)
It sounds like you just miss your “you time” but that's no excuse to get snappy either. Maybe prior to playing games or whatever it is you need to unwind, tell her you're going to do x for x amount of time and then you will spend time together
UpdateMe!
Find a new bf. He is using you as a bank.
Depends on the crime. White collar crime – I can Live! with that. But A class drugs, CP, rape & murder etc make me go byebye
That's what the human body often does when being in a happy relationship and aging past the 30s.
Sorry, pro tip: no,aining weight is not something ethereal. You pack on weight because you eat more, move less, and/or combination of both. Simple thermodinamics. It has nothing to do with being in a happy relationship nor being over 30.
There are dozens of things you could have done to get yourself off, dude. You could have imagined you and your wife having sex. You could have masturbated to any nudes she sent you. You could write erotic stories featuring you and her.
But you chose the one thing, other nude women, she told you not to do.
Same as any other difficult situation with your wife: validate, apologize, rectify.
Practice that in your head till you get it: validate, apologize, rectify.
Don't defend your actions, don't spin the blame onto her.
Take it on the chin and let her take the lead, once you've apologized.
This 100% my husband and I took years to finally say exactly what we liked and what felt best and let me tell you, we were both missing out lol ?
This is all in your head. You asked him to stop (watching porn in front of you), but now you still don't believe him and are upset he ever watched porn in the first place. That is unreasonable. Even if he secretly still watches porn in private when you're not around, that's really not your business and if you think it is, you're being overly controlling and your relationship is probably going to end badly because of it.
Also, 24 is EXTREMELY young. It’s possible at 24 you have never seen death up close before. Most 24 year olds are not ready for marriage or to handle health crises in their own. At 24, when I had something as relatively minor as a gallbladder surgery, I immediately relied on my parents.
Being told at 24 that you are going to marry to someone who maybe doesn’t have 24 years left and much of it will be spent suffering, while you have to be their caretaker WHILE your own parents are withdrawing their support from you… that is a lot to handle.
Peole in this thread, including OP to an extent, are being cruel to the gf.
I understand meds can be tired but what about my meds not just in his terms…
Honestly, I don’t understand how some people can be friends with exes. You need to heal and move on and how can you if you’re still hanging out hoping she’ll dump this guy and come back. My advice, stop being friends with her, she’s not your friend, she’s an ex. Go out with your friends tomorrow and just have a good time, as much as you can and try to avoid her and him. If you can’t do this then I would avoid hanging out with your friends when she’s around. Don’t make your friends pick sides, that’s not cool. But being friends with her won’t allow you to fully move on. Good luck.
Your boyfriend is a piece of shit who raped you. Break up with him and report him to police.
He probably has, I know I'm assuming but you are too.
thank you :/ i agree that this wasn’t very fair, but in the moment i just get worked up and try too desperately to “fix” the issue even if that means taking the blame, so i ended up feeling guilty for falling asleep which really doesn’t make sense. he said the reason he didn’t let me know he got back safe was because i wasn’t responding.. but i don’t really get that lol. i need to work on my anxiety because it’s embarrassing to have to ask for my partner to be kind to me
I haven’t mentioned this coworker often, as I just see my colleagues as colleagues. That’s why I was so confused. Thanks
Leave them
You’re being stonewalled and gaslit. Please extricate yourself from him asap.