I don’t think I’d ever stay in a relationship where someone yelled at me “can you just shut the fuck up”. Like everything else aside, I would break up with someone for that alone. I’m sorry you where in an abusive relationship before, but it sounds like you’re in another now. Like I said, I would never allow even a stranger to speak to me that way, let alone my partner, and I’ve never had to deal with an abusive partner. Not accepting behavior like that keeps you from abusive partners. You should leave him.
Well, yeah. Clearly there's a lot of toxic family dynamics going on. OP did not have a clue going in and the boyfriend did not give a warning about who his brother is.
She looked to see the responses of the people around her and both parents were ok with things. Boyfriend did not say anything until they got home.
At a glance, brother is the golden child, boyfriend the scapegoat. Boyfriend doesn't have boundaries, or else they wouldn't be guilt tripping him into terrible family dinners/holidays.
Boyfriend doesn't have adequate communication skills to give a heads up, and he's rightfully upset, but unless he goes to therapy he's not going to get to any level of good communication.
I sometimes see these posts and I want to give the poster permission to leave. Sometimes you don't have the battery power to fight the good fight.
Sounds like too much drama for too little enjoyment, and it seems this situation wonth change in the short/middle run. You should start considering if you really want to put out with all this.
Therapy. Please get couples therapy to work this out.
I know this is fresh and juicy for you. It's also probably the dumbest thing she ever did, and frankly she needs to explain everything better. And you need to be in a place that lets you say what you need to say to her.
Do you know how much cheating goes on in the finance industry? It would have been like snapping a finger for me to cheat on her, and no one would have known. But I never wanted to do it and here you are saying I am resentful for not cheating. But thanks for the laughs anyways.
Parents should not make you choose. They should not try to relate your relationship with one parent to be equal to betraying the other. Not for nothing, but anyone that manipulates in this manner (someone manipulating by saying this action is equal to you not loving me) is no longer in my life. It attempts to skirt any foreseeable objection, discussion, or response for that matter. I would not tell her anything else about seeing your father. Don't talk about him with her, or her with him. Good luck.
The downside on this plan is that you’ll be putting your relationships on hold waiting for him. With a strong possibility he might not return. Odds are he won’t.
Also if you do end up together again, how secure would you feel that he didn’t value you strongly enough before …
Recipe for disaster. Just find yourself another guy who doesn’t have that wanderlust.
Why do you think he's going out with someone ten years younger? Because he knows someone his age would just be like “k bye” whereas you're stressing about why he's not replying to you.
Just because you think he is amazing doesn't mean you need to be in a relationship. To me this sounds like you honestly love him for the person he is, but you aren't in love with him.
Also the way he makes you feel now while in a relationship isn't really fair for him. Honestly after reading this I think you two are better of as friends. you're still young, you'll find someone to fall I love with. It's just clearly not this guy.
You were married for over a decade and though it's a difficult discussion to have, and there is no way to really soften the blow, treat it seriously, be kind, and have a heart to heart.
Uhhhh your wife sounds….kind of awful. And I say that as a woman who’s been married for a decade.
Look, here’s the thing. You lied because you knew her reaction to the truth would be catastrophic. You lied because you felt there was no other way to preserve your relationship, because the standards your wife expects you to uphold regarding your purely aesthetic attraction to other people (and viewing of nudity in general) are both unrealistic and apparently not open to negotiation. Yes, if you were a more confident person you would have told her the truth, and told her to take it or leave it. But you weren’t, and she really didn’t leave you any room to have a difference of opinion on this without the relationship ending.
Lying when you feel backed into a corner by someone else’s emotional abuse, is not the same as lying to cover your own ass when you’ve done the wrong thing. You expressed a perfectly normal thought and got shamed and berated for it. And it’s clear that the continuation of a peaceful relationship was predicated on you pretending this lie was the truth the whole time. People who make you feel unsafe when you tell the truth, have little or no right to accuse you of betraying them when you lie to avoid their backlash. If your wife “doesn’t even know you”, it’s because she has only wanted to know the version of you that pandered to her insecurities and dysfunctional behaviours, and left no room for the version of you that was honest and therefore sometimes said and did things she wasn’t completely happy about.
Honestly, your wife doesn’t sound like a very nice person to be married to. At the very least, she sounds deeply insecure and probably quite mentally unwell – healthily adjusted people don’t storm out of the room because there’s a nude actor on the tv. After this much time together, you have to ask yourself if the “love” you feel for her is really just a force of habit. I wouldn’t want to be with someone so explosive and controlling.
I would speak with your fiancé. Don’t say anything along the lines of “I noticed that you..” or “do you like Ashley.” And stuff like that. Speak about it in a more us kind of way. Example: “how do you feel about us?” “What aspects of our relationship do you think need work?” And so forth. This will make him feel comfortable and will give you insight to where problems can be. If you feel like something is not going to change than you can speak to him about it.
Seriously like OP how is your skin not crawling that your romantic partner just said to your face that your daughter is highly fuckable to him? Is your head screwed on right? How could you even stand next to someone like that?
What your husband is saying is he’s afraid she’s going to convince you to want the same. Reassure him this is not going to happen and that she’s in a failing marriage and needs a friend right now.
Sometimes an issue is brought to your attention too late. By the time he communicated his concerns, the damage was likely already fatal to a relationship. This isn't your fault, if anything, it's actually his since he was the one who failed to communicate. He let his issue fester too long before actually telling you.
picture this: you are friends with an openly racist dude, he has a swastika tattoo, he goes to nazi rallies and he shares hateful content on the internet. by being friends with him and not trying to show him the error of his ways you are indirectly telling him that you are okay with this behaviour and his beliefs and he might even believe that you agree with him. this is the same.
Associating w abusers tells them they are allowed to act that way w no repercussions.
Poor girlfriend. Her boyfriends loser friends are cool w him abusing her bc it's “not their business” hope you realise behaviour like that is WHY abusers have the power they do? You have all shown her anybody can treat her like that and nobody will even blink.
No man I'm with you its fucking bananas. But I'll be honest, Reddit fucking LOVES this kind of opportunity to jump on a high horse and judge anyone that thinks that this age gap is cool, even if it absolutely is. People on here acting like she's 17 and he's 21.
I was looking forward to continuing my life as it was, just with him by my side. I have a good job, his country gives plenty of opportunities for development that I want to dive into. Besides that, lots of sport activities. I spent last months before going here on researching places and activities I want to join. But suddenly it makes little sense. I just can’t enjoy it anymore.
Poor poor child. Throw the whole “mother” away. Lady you are missing a lot of screws in that empty bucket you call a head. This is not a good idea. Stop being so desperate and get yourself together for you and your child. He deserves a mother who doesn’t abandon him for dick.
Tell her to do a budget where not only are you paying all your bills, paying off some debt, and saving for your holiday, and still have money left for dates.
And then when she can’t, ask her if she’s willing to get a second job, or work more overtime in her current job to pay for it, then if she’s doing that, how will she have time to go out?
Wtf, this post reads so naive I thought you were probably 17-19, but you’re 25??
Girl. Move the fuck on and stop purposely marinating in how infatuated you are. You’ve literally known this person 2 months and you’re already thinking about soulmates – that sounds more like desperation than desire.
If you think you could use therapy now might be a good time to start.
I'm sorry you went through this too, I'm so torn because although I'm pro-choice, I know that it's not an easy decision to make and things happen for a reason. You're right in that I think I was thrown by my Mom's reaction.
It's wild as he just told his Mom, who I've never met in real life, only on FaceTime as she lives far, and her reaction was completely different. She said she respects our choice but if we choose to keep the baby she's there to help.
You will find someone better who is worth your time and effort, someone who won't lie to you, and someone you won't feel compelled to tell to block her friends (independent of the issue at hand, I don't support these kinds of requests, especially if it's someone I knew before my partner… but I am 31 and not a liar, so when I call someone a friend, they are just that).
Sounds as if you're in another one.
I don’t think I’d ever stay in a relationship where someone yelled at me “can you just shut the fuck up”. Like everything else aside, I would break up with someone for that alone. I’m sorry you where in an abusive relationship before, but it sounds like you’re in another now. Like I said, I would never allow even a stranger to speak to me that way, let alone my partner, and I’ve never had to deal with an abusive partner. Not accepting behavior like that keeps you from abusive partners. You should leave him.
Valid points. Outliers are always possible.
It’s super messed up but after reading her post two or three times I got the same feeling.
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Well, yeah. Clearly there's a lot of toxic family dynamics going on. OP did not have a clue going in and the boyfriend did not give a warning about who his brother is.
She looked to see the responses of the people around her and both parents were ok with things. Boyfriend did not say anything until they got home.
At a glance, brother is the golden child, boyfriend the scapegoat. Boyfriend doesn't have boundaries, or else they wouldn't be guilt tripping him into terrible family dinners/holidays.
Boyfriend doesn't have adequate communication skills to give a heads up, and he's rightfully upset, but unless he goes to therapy he's not going to get to any level of good communication.
I sometimes see these posts and I want to give the poster permission to leave. Sometimes you don't have the battery power to fight the good fight.
Sounds like too much drama for too little enjoyment, and it seems this situation wonth change in the short/middle run. You should start considering if you really want to put out with all this.
Ok. I need to stop calling myself like that. Got it.
I should start telling myself i'm amazing and I deserve better everyday when I look at myself. I think that would be a start.
Thank you for your kind words
Therapy. Please get couples therapy to work this out.
I know this is fresh and juicy for you. It's also probably the dumbest thing she ever did, and frankly she needs to explain everything better. And you need to be in a place that lets you say what you need to say to her.
Besides you getting what you're demanding, how is him posting you on social media going to help your relationship? What is there to be gained?
Do you know how much cheating goes on in the finance industry? It would have been like snapping a finger for me to cheat on her, and no one would have known. But I never wanted to do it and here you are saying I am resentful for not cheating. But thanks for the laughs anyways.
Parents should not make you choose. They should not try to relate your relationship with one parent to be equal to betraying the other. Not for nothing, but anyone that manipulates in this manner (someone manipulating by saying this action is equal to you not loving me) is no longer in my life. It attempts to skirt any foreseeable objection, discussion, or response for that matter. I would not tell her anything else about seeing your father. Don't talk about him with her, or her with him. Good luck.
It’s petty and immature. Punishing someone is stupid and you should just sit down and talk about your problems
The downside on this plan is that you’ll be putting your relationships on hold waiting for him. With a strong possibility he might not return. Odds are he won’t.
Also if you do end up together again, how secure would you feel that he didn’t value you strongly enough before …
Recipe for disaster. Just find yourself another guy who doesn’t have that wanderlust.
He's acting this way because he can.
Why do you think he's going out with someone ten years younger? Because he knows someone his age would just be like “k bye” whereas you're stressing about why he's not replying to you.
I will pay him 21k for land and property. I’m stuck in a shitty fuckin condo I paid way too damn much for in San Diego with shitty upstairs neighbors.
Just because you think he is amazing doesn't mean you need to be in a relationship. To me this sounds like you honestly love him for the person he is, but you aren't in love with him.
Also the way he makes you feel now while in a relationship isn't really fair for him. Honestly after reading this I think you two are better of as friends. you're still young, you'll find someone to fall I love with. It's just clearly not this guy.
Definetely give her a heads up.
You were married for over a decade and though it's a difficult discussion to have, and there is no way to really soften the blow, treat it seriously, be kind, and have a heart to heart.
Uhhhh your wife sounds….kind of awful. And I say that as a woman who’s been married for a decade.
Look, here’s the thing. You lied because you knew her reaction to the truth would be catastrophic. You lied because you felt there was no other way to preserve your relationship, because the standards your wife expects you to uphold regarding your purely aesthetic attraction to other people (and viewing of nudity in general) are both unrealistic and apparently not open to negotiation. Yes, if you were a more confident person you would have told her the truth, and told her to take it or leave it. But you weren’t, and she really didn’t leave you any room to have a difference of opinion on this without the relationship ending.
Lying when you feel backed into a corner by someone else’s emotional abuse, is not the same as lying to cover your own ass when you’ve done the wrong thing. You expressed a perfectly normal thought and got shamed and berated for it. And it’s clear that the continuation of a peaceful relationship was predicated on you pretending this lie was the truth the whole time. People who make you feel unsafe when you tell the truth, have little or no right to accuse you of betraying them when you lie to avoid their backlash. If your wife “doesn’t even know you”, it’s because she has only wanted to know the version of you that pandered to her insecurities and dysfunctional behaviours, and left no room for the version of you that was honest and therefore sometimes said and did things she wasn’t completely happy about.
Honestly, your wife doesn’t sound like a very nice person to be married to. At the very least, she sounds deeply insecure and probably quite mentally unwell – healthily adjusted people don’t storm out of the room because there’s a nude actor on the tv. After this much time together, you have to ask yourself if the “love” you feel for her is really just a force of habit. I wouldn’t want to be with someone so explosive and controlling.
Only if she sends 2k to your family… she doesn’t see you as a partner she sees you as free cash
I would speak with your fiancé. Don’t say anything along the lines of “I noticed that you..” or “do you like Ashley.” And stuff like that. Speak about it in a more us kind of way. Example: “how do you feel about us?” “What aspects of our relationship do you think need work?” And so forth. This will make him feel comfortable and will give you insight to where problems can be. If you feel like something is not going to change than you can speak to him about it.
Seriously like OP how is your skin not crawling that your romantic partner just said to your face that your daughter is highly fuckable to him? Is your head screwed on right? How could you even stand next to someone like that?
What your husband is saying is he’s afraid she’s going to convince you to want the same. Reassure him this is not going to happen and that she’s in a failing marriage and needs a friend right now.
Your husband is terrified of losing you
Sometimes an issue is brought to your attention too late. By the time he communicated his concerns, the damage was likely already fatal to a relationship. This isn't your fault, if anything, it's actually his since he was the one who failed to communicate. He let his issue fester too long before actually telling you.
You shouldn’t have to ask him. If someone is into you, you’ll know.
Thank you for trying to improve. I would definitely try therapy.
picture this: you are friends with an openly racist dude, he has a swastika tattoo, he goes to nazi rallies and he shares hateful content on the internet. by being friends with him and not trying to show him the error of his ways you are indirectly telling him that you are okay with this behaviour and his beliefs and he might even believe that you agree with him. this is the same.
Associating w abusers tells them they are allowed to act that way w no repercussions.
Poor girlfriend. Her boyfriends loser friends are cool w him abusing her bc it's “not their business” hope you realise behaviour like that is WHY abusers have the power they do? You have all shown her anybody can treat her like that and nobody will even blink.
Thank you for your advice!
No man I'm with you its fucking bananas. But I'll be honest, Reddit fucking LOVES this kind of opportunity to jump on a high horse and judge anyone that thinks that this age gap is cool, even if it absolutely is. People on here acting like she's 17 and he's 21.
I was looking forward to continuing my life as it was, just with him by my side. I have a good job, his country gives plenty of opportunities for development that I want to dive into. Besides that, lots of sport activities. I spent last months before going here on researching places and activities I want to join. But suddenly it makes little sense. I just can’t enjoy it anymore.
Poor poor child. Throw the whole “mother” away. Lady you are missing a lot of screws in that empty bucket you call a head. This is not a good idea. Stop being so desperate and get yourself together for you and your child. He deserves a mother who doesn’t abandon him for dick.
The gaslighting over here is real. Dump this guy, he’s a liar and gaslighter.
Tell her to prove it.
Tell her to do a budget where not only are you paying all your bills, paying off some debt, and saving for your holiday, and still have money left for dates.
And then when she can’t, ask her if she’s willing to get a second job, or work more overtime in her current job to pay for it, then if she’s doing that, how will she have time to go out?
I was just about to say the same, didn't even need to read the details
Wtf, this post reads so naive I thought you were probably 17-19, but you’re 25??
Girl. Move the fuck on and stop purposely marinating in how infatuated you are. You’ve literally known this person 2 months and you’re already thinking about soulmates – that sounds more like desperation than desire.
If you think you could use therapy now might be a good time to start.
Yes. But they were in a relationship and we don't know that the kids were unwanted.
Start with, at the right time.
” it has come to my attention…..-“
We're you together when it happened?
I'm sorry you went through this too, I'm so torn because although I'm pro-choice, I know that it's not an easy decision to make and things happen for a reason. You're right in that I think I was thrown by my Mom's reaction.
It's wild as he just told his Mom, who I've never met in real life, only on FaceTime as she lives far, and her reaction was completely different. She said she respects our choice but if we choose to keep the baby she's there to help.
Can either of you change jobs
Just leave her. You're 19.
You will find someone better who is worth your time and effort, someone who won't lie to you, and someone you won't feel compelled to tell to block her friends (independent of the issue at hand, I don't support these kinds of requests, especially if it's someone I knew before my partner… but I am 31 and not a liar, so when I call someone a friend, they are just that).
Man. Just be honest with her and break up. Saves everyone the trouble.