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Aina, ?, 18 y.o.
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Date: December 3, 2022
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Hi friend. I wanted to first say, I am seeing a lot of comments saying this is your fault for not saying “No.” This is wrong. It it important to consider the other person's enthusiasm and interest in participating alongside any kind of verbal or physical nod of “yes.” Personally, I think he should have asked you if you were the type of person who wanted physical intimacy after having your PTSD triggered, or if you would have preferred warm blankets and nude chocolate.
Unfortunately, discomfort and distress happened. I reqlly want to encourage you to speak about it because if you don't tell him then it WILL happen again.
If you address this with your partner, understand that his intentions do not matter very much. I certainly hope his intentions were empathetic rather than self-serving, but most people will deny malicious intent anyways. Frankly, if you went to a physician and they prescribed you the wrong medicine or too much medicine, it wouldn't matter what they intended to prescribe. It would matter what actually took place and what was the actual impact on you; that's what matters right here. We can absolutely assume he wanted to make your day better, but it doesn't change the importance of the actual results and impact on you in this situation.
Your feelings of displeasure and discomfort are valid. I want to encourage you to communicate this to your partner. The way your partner reacts to this will definitely tell you about them. It is not an insult to be wrong or to be informed that you wronged someone. To be told “you have offended me” is to be presented with the opportunity to learn about another person and to become a more aware and empathetic person yourself.
Think about yourself and what you needed instead kf sex in this situation. Ask yourself a series of introspective questions; maintain an air of openness and curiosity about your emotions. What do you do to soothe yourself in these kinds of situations? What do you need to feel better/okay? What makes you feel safe again? What restores your sense of control and power? What gives you a sense of calm? What gives you a sense of peace? Where do you physically feel stress and tension within your body? What physical symptoms of the stress are you feeling? Use these questions to help formulate a plan for how to care for yourself in a moment when you are triggered. The core plan should not include anyone but yourself. If you want your partner to be part of the process when he is around, have a conversation and tell him about what you do when triggered and what he is allowed or wanted to help with. If you need to place a boundary with your partner, having a mental or physical list of what you actually do need when you've been triggered is the first step. If it's not on the list then it's not helpful and is probably harmful instead.
Boundaries include two parts: communicating the boundary and communicating the contingency plan.
Example Boundary: On days when I am crying I do not want to have sex until I am the one to ask for it. Example Contingency Plan: IF you ask me to have sex in these circumstances I will remove myself from your company until I feel comfortable again.
If an individual cannot respect your boundary, then they do not get access to that part of your life. This is about you and making yourself feel safe. The only appropriate response is “Okay. Thanks for letting me know. I will keep this in mind for next time.” If he has questions or concerns of his own he can wait and bring them up later or you can invite him to bring them up. It is not appropriate for him to go “Okay, BUT…” “What about my feelings???” Or any other variation. You are not denying his needs by having your own.
Peace and love; I believe in your strength.
I was afraid that those are my only options. Thanks for the feedback.
Again, you're using friends as a plural. No one has a problem with friends. The problem is when it's so much time invested in one friend to the point they're calling themselves his wife.