A guy more than twice your age is pursuing you, has basically moved into his place and after only 9 months wants you to meet his kids? Op, I'm sorry but this is massively creepy.
Meeting the kids is not something a responsible parent would ask for until much later on. Rn your relationship is new and could very well end as fast as it started, the kids begin introduced to you now and him not even thinking about possible repercussions speaks very poorly of him imo
Thanks for giving me another perspective and explanation to the circumstance without putting blame on me. Weird compliment but I hope you're in a profession that includes teaching or training people cause the gift of clear and compassionate communication is rare!
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Thanks so much for this. I think that’s pretty much what I’ll have to do. I certainly don’t wanna hurt her feelings but, I don’t think I have much control of how she feels about what I tell her anyways. I appreciate your help!
Yeah, what you are describing is stepping back and establishing one’s own boundaries. Throwing your kids away for what your ex did is still absolute garbage behavior, but if you want to go about it in a way where you establish your own boundaries and step back while hurt, so be it. That’s your choice to make and action to fulfill.
That’s not what is happening here. Mom is trying to make others establish boundaries she dictates in their lives to show her a display solidarity. She is weaponizing her kids. We all know you don’t get to make boundaries for others, and that’s precisely what is happening here. In the way of threats if he doesn’t “choose a side”. She isn’t removing herself, she is asking others to remove her ex, or else.
Asking your kids to choose a side due to what your ex did that didn’t involve them is simply manipulation. So is that what you’re condoning? Manipulating others around you because of your emotions?
Your poor mother. This is the impression I got from OP as well. Someone that had a complete culture shock when the division of labour is tipped the other way. His partner probably doesn't want to have to do everything again once the baby comes because she might be worried she'll have to do most of the child rearing herself as well.
OP you have been raised and socialised in a world that caters to men. If you want a real relationship with a woman, you have to learn to be an equal partner. This means an equal division of labour but also knowing how to be reflexive to change when competing priorities take over ie: graciously pulling your weight with all household stuff while your partner is pregnant and, afterwards, will need a significant amount time to recover whilst having to to raise the child with with you.
Some empathy would go along way. This is your time to step up, because things are already unequal, she's expending all her physical and emotional energy building you a human and you're out here bitching to the internet about leaving her because you have to clean your house.
If you can't fathom taking the initiative yourself, why not hire a cleaner before you break your unborn baby's home?
So you’re 23 and you guys got together when she was 32 and you were 18. That’s gross. She knows what she’s doing because she can easily manipulate you and get away with it. I wouldn’t be having kids with anyone who blatantly has no respect for me. You’re young, you don’t need her dragging you down
You're welcome. I have called this person out so many times I've lost count. It's enraging how they repeatedly lie about abuse and take advantage of actual abuse survivors who consistently try to help them. I really hope they get professional help.
It sounds like your grandpa is not telling the truth about a lot of stuff because he's aware that they're both failing in their old age and he feels very insecure about losing their independence. He might also not want anyone else to look after your grandmother (such as taking her to the doctors) because he feels like it is his duty to. However, there is no sure-fire way to quicker lose their independence than your grandparents refusing to let anyone help, because once one of them gets hospitalised for something, they'll end up being put in a home once it's deemed that the house is unsuitable for their condition.
I would recommend a gentle family intervention. If your grandparents can get some sort of care at home (like a cook and cleaner) to help them out, then that'll not only help improve their quality of life, but it'll help them stay at home for longer. However, if your grandparents have dementia, it is almost inevitable that at some point they will have to go into a home (so start making plans for that).
It kind of sounds like your grandmother might have vascular dementia. Watch out for signs of stroke and make sure your grandfather knows the signs (& what to do) too.
Have you done therapy with her? Taken parenting classes? If she has been with you for 5 years, this is not new. What did all of you contribute to this situation? It’s not all the child. YWBTA.
He's either gay and using you as a cover or he's buying either way he's cheating on you. Are you surprised though? Obviously you cheated on your boyfriend to be with him since you say you left your ex for him. So why didn't you think he wouldn't cheat on you? He had no problem going after you while you were seeing somebody else which means he's not the most upstanding person. He's trying to make you think it's all your ideas so obviously he's lying and gaslighting you or trying to anyway. Time to dump him and move on.
You are just assuming something that she never said here. And no condoms protect you from everything. Uid and the pill fail all the time do you know why??? The uid is already in the uterus, the sperm has 100 million sperm cells* every time they are having sex you see the math. And the pill you have to take it every day the same time which the majority of women forget to do. Research has shown that it doesn't matter if you use the pill or uid you have to use also condoms, doctors inform you about it all the time. And yes when someone doesn't use a condom with the person that are in a relationship with it is a habit and they were not using condoms with the previous relationships. Women who have STDs statistically inform their partners about it because they had symptoms but men cannot do the same because they cannot know on time. So yes even if you hate condoms you have to use them.
I suspect the financial security of having a house rent free and good child support will out weight your opinion on this.
I also suspect he still owns the house, and she is indeed worried about losing it if you come in and try to dictate anything to the kids dad and owner of the house.
Ask her if she still has feelings for him and if he knows you are dating, go from there, but you just need to call it a day on this relationship.
At first I thought you were putting her on a pedastal (you still might be by the way) but after that it just seems like she doesn't like you and just likes that you like her and will put your own wants and desires aside to do what she wants.
If I were you I would have a talk with her and make her aware of this stuff. From a purely objective point of view though, this woman is not for you for a relationship.
“Babe, listen, remember that XYZ show we went to for my birthday. I really love that you wanted to get me an experience rather than just a possession, but in the future, can we always book concerts together? I do like to go to a couple shows a year but they need to be my top few fave bands and I need to be prepared for it. A surprise concert gave me more anxiety than excitement. I love you girlfriend you're awesome” or like something like that but better
I think the only thing the dude did wrong was to not end it with you when he realised you got too attached.
A casual relationship is casual, if you catch feelings or become too attatched, it's your responsibility to end it so you don't have to feel used, because that is basically the main point of a casual relationship – to use eachother for your own benefit.
I had private school loans. I refinanced them or otherwise rolled them into a federal loan. Then I was eligible for public loan forgiveness if I worked at a non profit or government job. I see no reason that she can’t do that too. Also if she has little income the public loan forgiveness payments will be uber low.
You’ve put your boundaries down and he’s walking all over them. Whether he’s doing that in an overtly abusive way it or ‘nicely’ by lovebombing you, it’s the same outcome. I know it’s difficult since you work together but I’d one more time reiterate that you don’t want that sort of relationship and if it continues then stop responding to it. Stay professional at work but don’t engage further. He’s not your friend.
I told him I’m willing to go to Israel for that years he finished residency if then we can go back to Germany, as it’s my favourite country to online and he also loved it – that’s why he wanted to move there in the first place. Now he told me even after 5 years he would move somewhere else and not back there. I feel my life would to be with him but never live! in Germany again and I am not sure I am ready for that. I have no idea what to do anymore…
If you both wanted to be a couple, you would have actually talked about it and used the labels. There clearly is a difference for most….
s there some chance he comes back after having that time to himself? Since this is his first serious relationship, I really don’t think he even knows what love bombing is
You need to move on. Don't think about “what if”. This man clearly needs to work on himself for quite some time, no need for you to wait around.
What exactly is wrong with your environment? If the teen moms can figure it out why can’t a 27 year old woman? I think it’s sad you could miss out on a lot of joy just because you don’t feel like you have the perfect job/lifestyle yet. As long as the kid has food in their belly and a roof over their head then the rest of their “environment” is entirely up to you.
Thank you for this! I’m going to try it today over dinner. I’m trying my best not to come off as attacking him, so this is perfect.
I know, that's why I said OP's wife is sus and he should investigate
Your girlfriend and her friends are clearly the school oddballs.
MessGe me back
Uhm…… not get on reddit about it…… call law enforcement and get him out of that house.
It's not a great idea unless she's totally fine with losing or quitting her job
A guy more than twice your age is pursuing you, has basically moved into his place and after only 9 months wants you to meet his kids? Op, I'm sorry but this is massively creepy.
Meeting the kids is not something a responsible parent would ask for until much later on. Rn your relationship is new and could very well end as fast as it started, the kids begin introduced to you now and him not even thinking about possible repercussions speaks very poorly of him imo
Hmm. Well. It’s the weekend and it has been one day without hearing from her. I’d wait until Monday and see. I assume she will be in touch ?
Thanks for giving me another perspective and explanation to the circumstance without putting blame on me. Weird compliment but I hope you're in a profession that includes teaching or training people cause the gift of clear and compassionate communication is rare!
what kind of wacko takes a job because her married, college crush works there too?
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This is how it will start. You're baby trapped.
Thanks so much for this. I think that’s pretty much what I’ll have to do. I certainly don’t wanna hurt her feelings but, I don’t think I have much control of how she feels about what I tell her anyways. I appreciate your help!
Cheers!
Yeah, what you are describing is stepping back and establishing one’s own boundaries. Throwing your kids away for what your ex did is still absolute garbage behavior, but if you want to go about it in a way where you establish your own boundaries and step back while hurt, so be it. That’s your choice to make and action to fulfill.
That’s not what is happening here. Mom is trying to make others establish boundaries she dictates in their lives to show her a display solidarity. She is weaponizing her kids. We all know you don’t get to make boundaries for others, and that’s precisely what is happening here. In the way of threats if he doesn’t “choose a side”. She isn’t removing herself, she is asking others to remove her ex, or else.
Asking your kids to choose a side due to what your ex did that didn’t involve them is simply manipulation. So is that what you’re condoning? Manipulating others around you because of your emotions?
Your poor mother. This is the impression I got from OP as well. Someone that had a complete culture shock when the division of labour is tipped the other way. His partner probably doesn't want to have to do everything again once the baby comes because she might be worried she'll have to do most of the child rearing herself as well.
OP you have been raised and socialised in a world that caters to men. If you want a real relationship with a woman, you have to learn to be an equal partner. This means an equal division of labour but also knowing how to be reflexive to change when competing priorities take over ie: graciously pulling your weight with all household stuff while your partner is pregnant and, afterwards, will need a significant amount time to recover whilst having to to raise the child with with you.
Some empathy would go along way. This is your time to step up, because things are already unequal, she's expending all her physical and emotional energy building you a human and you're out here bitching to the internet about leaving her because you have to clean your house.
If you can't fathom taking the initiative yourself, why not hire a cleaner before you break your unborn baby's home?
So you’re 23 and you guys got together when she was 32 and you were 18. That’s gross. She knows what she’s doing because she can easily manipulate you and get away with it. I wouldn’t be having kids with anyone who blatantly has no respect for me. You’re young, you don’t need her dragging you down
You're welcome. I have called this person out so many times I've lost count. It's enraging how they repeatedly lie about abuse and take advantage of actual abuse survivors who consistently try to help them. I really hope they get professional help.
Definitely cheating. An online relationship is not by assumption and open relationship in the same way a long distance relationship isn’t.
It sounds like your grandpa is not telling the truth about a lot of stuff because he's aware that they're both failing in their old age and he feels very insecure about losing their independence. He might also not want anyone else to look after your grandmother (such as taking her to the doctors) because he feels like it is his duty to. However, there is no sure-fire way to quicker lose their independence than your grandparents refusing to let anyone help, because once one of them gets hospitalised for something, they'll end up being put in a home once it's deemed that the house is unsuitable for their condition.
I would recommend a gentle family intervention. If your grandparents can get some sort of care at home (like a cook and cleaner) to help them out, then that'll not only help improve their quality of life, but it'll help them stay at home for longer. However, if your grandparents have dementia, it is almost inevitable that at some point they will have to go into a home (so start making plans for that).
It kind of sounds like your grandmother might have vascular dementia. Watch out for signs of stroke and make sure your grandfather knows the signs (& what to do) too.
I don’t think there were any other nudes besides the video.
Have you done therapy with her? Taken parenting classes? If she has been with you for 5 years, this is not new. What did all of you contribute to this situation? It’s not all the child. YWBTA.
He's either gay and using you as a cover or he's buying either way he's cheating on you. Are you surprised though? Obviously you cheated on your boyfriend to be with him since you say you left your ex for him. So why didn't you think he wouldn't cheat on you? He had no problem going after you while you were seeing somebody else which means he's not the most upstanding person. He's trying to make you think it's all your ideas so obviously he's lying and gaslighting you or trying to anyway. Time to dump him and move on.
100% being gaslit.
He's been trying to twist it against you, trying to be the one who leaves on the high note.
They shouldn't have you involved with this at all. If they have a wild opinion on it, it doesn't mean you should as well
You are just assuming something that she never said here. And no condoms protect you from everything. Uid and the pill fail all the time do you know why??? The uid is already in the uterus, the sperm has 100 million sperm cells* every time they are having sex you see the math. And the pill you have to take it every day the same time which the majority of women forget to do. Research has shown that it doesn't matter if you use the pill or uid you have to use also condoms, doctors inform you about it all the time. And yes when someone doesn't use a condom with the person that are in a relationship with it is a habit and they were not using condoms with the previous relationships. Women who have STDs statistically inform their partners about it because they had symptoms but men cannot do the same because they cannot know on time. So yes even if you hate condoms you have to use them.
I suspect the financial security of having a house rent free and good child support will out weight your opinion on this.
I also suspect he still owns the house, and she is indeed worried about losing it if you come in and try to dictate anything to the kids dad and owner of the house.
Ask her if she still has feelings for him and if he knows you are dating, go from there, but you just need to call it a day on this relationship.
At first I thought you were putting her on a pedastal (you still might be by the way) but after that it just seems like she doesn't like you and just likes that you like her and will put your own wants and desires aside to do what she wants.
If I were you I would have a talk with her and make her aware of this stuff. From a purely objective point of view though, this woman is not for you for a relationship.
You have set the boundries and he is stomping over them.
Move back and take the divorce.
Communication.
“Babe, listen, remember that XYZ show we went to for my birthday. I really love that you wanted to get me an experience rather than just a possession, but in the future, can we always book concerts together? I do like to go to a couple shows a year but they need to be my top few fave bands and I need to be prepared for it. A surprise concert gave me more anxiety than excitement. I love you girlfriend you're awesome” or like something like that but better
I think the only thing the dude did wrong was to not end it with you when he realised you got too attached.
A casual relationship is casual, if you catch feelings or become too attatched, it's your responsibility to end it so you don't have to feel used, because that is basically the main point of a casual relationship – to use eachother for your own benefit.
I had private school loans. I refinanced them or otherwise rolled them into a federal loan. Then I was eligible for public loan forgiveness if I worked at a non profit or government job. I see no reason that she can’t do that too. Also if she has little income the public loan forgiveness payments will be uber low.
You’ve put your boundaries down and he’s walking all over them. Whether he’s doing that in an overtly abusive way it or ‘nicely’ by lovebombing you, it’s the same outcome. I know it’s difficult since you work together but I’d one more time reiterate that you don’t want that sort of relationship and if it continues then stop responding to it. Stay professional at work but don’t engage further. He’s not your friend.
Ask her what is she doing to make the “big bucks” herself since apparently she isn't satisfied with your earnings.
Nobody wants to find out their fixer upper needs foundation work.
I told him I’m willing to go to Israel for that years he finished residency if then we can go back to Germany, as it’s my favourite country to online and he also loved it – that’s why he wanted to move there in the first place. Now he told me even after 5 years he would move somewhere else and not back there. I feel my life would to be with him but never live! in Germany again and I am not sure I am ready for that. I have no idea what to do anymore…
we pretty much were?
If you both wanted to be a couple, you would have actually talked about it and used the labels. There clearly is a difference for most….
s there some chance he comes back after having that time to himself? Since this is his first serious relationship, I really don’t think he even knows what love bombing is
You need to move on. Don't think about “what if”. This man clearly needs to work on himself for quite some time, no need for you to wait around.
This woman cheated on you and doesn't care at all about your feeling regarding this fact. Let that sink in.
What exactly is wrong with your environment? If the teen moms can figure it out why can’t a 27 year old woman? I think it’s sad you could miss out on a lot of joy just because you don’t feel like you have the perfect job/lifestyle yet. As long as the kid has food in their belly and a roof over their head then the rest of their “environment” is entirely up to you.
Course