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AliceLevine, 26 y.o.
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Date: October 7, 2022
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You’re not over it. You’re here posting. You’re here posting about a form of manipulation, and you seem to want to win. You’re not over it.
There are three parts to an apology….. ….saying you’re sorry ….saying it won’t happen again ….and making amends for the behavior
Ex….I broke your favorite glass on purpose. I’m sorry. I know it was your favorite. I will never do that again. I’m going to go out and find a match for it.
He apologizes, but you never feel satisfied. My guess is that it’s because you don’t feel listened to. He’s sorry you fought….but maybe he doesn’t reallllly understand why. So when he apologizes, it’s not specific as to your reason…because you’re not being heard.
But that didn’t seem to matter to him because you’re under the impression that he feels absolved of whatever sin he committed this time. Even if he’s not entirely sure what that sin was.
And because you’re the way you are, you probably never made him really listen….to hear and understand the problem. You got your apology, and that felt like a win….at least for awhile.
But…it’s no longer a win for you to get the apology. And now you’ve found this new way to win.
So. Will you eventually answer his call? Or will you block him and be done with this madness thst seems to escalate over time.
I hope you’re safe. It worries me that there’s talk of police and that he’s rapid dialing you.
Yeah but if you’re 15, you shouldn’t be taking nudes and sending it to anyone. That’s the point of the laws that say minors can be punished for sharing their own pictures.
Honest advice: Tell Amy you’ve been manipulating her for years, and that trapping her for your remaining years by having a baby and getting married is a horrible idea. Look into how adoption works. Find a good home for baby. Split as soon as that is taken care of. Let the person you supposedly love be who she actually is for once in her adult life. Move forward, commit to extensive therapy, and eventually date someone your own age. You are the absolute scum of the Earth, dude. Praying this is fake.
Well, the two biggest things she’s dismissive about is her drinking and this. Other than that she’s fine.
While she has experienced racism, and it will have effected her in ways that anyone who hasn’t will never understand, tell her to look at a dictionary before she calls you a racist again.
Racism is defined as
** prejudice, discrimination, or antagonism by an individual, community, or institution against a person or people on the basis of their membership of a particular racial or ethnic group, typically one that is a minority or marginalized.
** the belief that different races possess distinct characteristics, abilities, or qualities, especially so as to distinguish them as inferior or superior to one another.
No where there does it mention that people cannot be racists just because the other people are white.
So yes people can be racist towards white people. Especially in the example that you used, of a white person in Japan.
Now in the ‘Western world’ the majority of the people in control are white, so while the actions and attitudes of some people are hateful towards white people, and meet some components of the definition, the important part being the minority or marginalised communities isn’t, so people don’t treat it as racism.
It is hateful and people who have those views are just as horrible as racists.
And as for if you should continue with your relationship, no end it.
They both suck for real for what they did to this expecting couple. Couple of assclowns.
Block her and cut ties… she didn't love u enough when she had u, dont let her torture u while w the man she left u for. Shes more likely realized hes not all that she thought he was and thats why she misses u…. dont be her 2nd choice or her placeholder bc she will hurt u again and when she doea itll be your fault for letting her back into your life to do it again.
By my math, you should be paying 20% of the bills, tops, OP. You should think about how much $ is coming into the home total, & what percentage of that is yours, & split the bills accordingly.
If he's not OK with that, dump him.
Luckily she refuses to have children, so that part is a non-issue. And it wouldn't be the first time I thought about her being narcissistic
She's talked to him about it, in her words, “a lot.” What else is there to do? If there's a hygiene issue that's the main reason preventing him from not wanting to perform oral on her, it's his responsibility to share that. It's been several years; if it is a hygiene issue, is she supposed to wait an indeterminate amount of time for him to possibly admit to that – if ever?
They've communicated multiple times; she brings it up and he says he's not into it.
I get that it sucks for her, but I'd say the same thing if the genders were reversed – if someone isn't into a specific sexual act, they shouldn't have to perform it, and they may likely be better off with someone who doesn't find that act very important to them. Just as OP would be better off with someone who does like to perform oral sex on women.
She has tried to get to the bottom of it, and unless he's hiding something, the bottom of it is that he simply doesn't like it. If she's looking for some other answer besides “just isn't into it,” then she might be stuck waiting for even more years going forward, and he might be stuck being continually asked why he doesn't like giving oral when he's already made it explicitly clear why.
Give it more time and keep communicating. 20 months is a small gap really- there’s no harm waiting longer. You’re quite right that further kids are a 2-yes, 1-no deal. It’s important to explore his fears as they are understandable- would couple’s therapy be an option for you two? It’s also not unusual for men to be pretty traumatised too by birth, but they often aren’t given the opportunity to talk about it or process it as they are supporting their partner or made to feel their feelings are less valid than hers.
Both of you must remember that your relationships with your siblings are not necessarily going to be the same as your daughter’s will be. I know sisters who get on and sisters who don’t, same with brothers. And what if you have a bit as your second? It’s important not to set your expectations as to how your children’s relationship will be, as this can cause problems and sadness if things don’t work out.
@amjay8 [Can’t reply on that subthread as the original post was deleted — don’t know if you’ll see this]. Holy shit, I can’t believe this but this didn’t even dawn on me…
Like, I did ask him why he hadn’t told me. But I didn’t fully think it through. You’re right. His answer — that he “thought we could work on it over time” — doesn’t make any sense given that he never said anything about it. For 5 years. How is that “working on it”?
By having to think this part thru, the answer actually feels really clear to me now. I think he feels like at least 2 of his exes were the ‘top of his list’ in bed (based on the “tough act to follow” comment and a few other reasons I won’t go into here) — so anything else paled in comparison.
I think he never brought it up, because he believed that I would (for whatever reason) never measure up to that, no matter what I tried. So I think he decided to “settle” for me. That’s kind of the only thing that makes sense. And I guess in that sense, I’m dodging a bullet.