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1. Stop contacting him. Period.

   What you did wasn't just rude, it was traumatising. You need to back ALL THE WAY OFF and understand that whatever hurt, guilt, sadness you are feeling over having ruined something with someone you felt you could have really liked? None of that compares to how you made him feel, which is dehumanised.

   More importantly, you feeling bad is not his job to mitigate. He doesn't have to forgive you, or even respond to you. Right now you are struggling to stop reaching out to him because you are desperate for a response that will make you feel better about what you did. But what you really need is to sit with the reality that maybe what you want isn't what you get to have. You did something really shameful, so maybe in this instance you . . . get to feel ashamed for a while.

   To be clear, I'm not just trying to rip on you. But there are things you need to think about here, and learn from, beyond just “I made a mistake”. Most of us don't have that word in our vocabulary at all, so it doesn't come out even “by accident”. You need to think about the fact that it's a word that would even OCCUR to you to say, under any circumstances, because that's a real problem. There's nothing wrong with “dirty talk”, but as I've made clear to many a partner, as someone with a background that includes trauma and abuse, there is a significant difference between “dirty” and “humiliating”, and just because someone likes the former doesn't mean that they EVER want to hear the latter.

   Now, it seems like he actually used some humiliating words towards you as well, and if that bothered you, you should have spoken up. I won't tolerate a partner calling me a b***h or any other humiliating language in the bedroom. You don't have to either. That's a convo you should definitely have with partners if it makes you uncomfortable. But it still didn't make it okay for you to say racist things to him.

   The point is: you didn't just “make a mistake”. You had language in your vocabulary that never should have been there AND you used it against someone in a way that was genuinely painful for them. You can't fix that. What you can do is leave him alone, and do better going forward.

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