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Date: December 6, 2022
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Not asking a lot at all. I have no idea why any adult who is capable of working thinks it’s ok to just sit around and online off of someone else. Where is the pride in that? You need to have a serious chat with her and tell her not to be a freeloader. If she doesn’t like it, kick her out before she bleeds you dry.
Thank you for your comments, I really need to read this because it’s helping me to see things for what they are
You are single now. Whatever crazy nonsense you need to do to get back to a healthy headspace, make sure she doesn't see it, that she doesn't get to know about it – do not contact her. Your job is to get yourself back to health, not to worry about this tramp you used to date. You're in your 20s. You have time.
Set yourself on a healthy path during this initial stage – you will get depressed most likely soon, so set yourself on a healthy path back to being yourself.
What's the worst thing that could happen? You could find your girl in bed with some guy who drives a truck. Well, that's happened now, and you survived it. There's someone who comes later.
It sucks, man. Talk to your friends. Read good books, exercise, set yourself on the path to be the you you know you respect.
You're going to drop down into the underworld for a bit now – of course you are. Your present sucks, your past is sullied and your future is shown to be a lie. That sting you feel though is the salt-tang of freedom. Once you reach the bottom, things start to turn around.
When it's hard to do, it can be done.
I am glad to hear that. I sincerely hope for your sake that she does.
My state has no such law but I have a standing request to be cremated and scattered in our farm pond. (It has a leak and those are often plugged with ash; macabre humor.)
It’s become more common to use texting, social media and other texting apps that require a number to conduct business directly with the artist. And I’m sure it’s just easier to use one number for everything vs multiple accounts type thing.
If I talk to a girl and I lie to them and she likes it but she finds out later I lied to her when she asks me why did u lie I’m gonna say cuz if I told you the truth you would of ignored me and walked away and not wanna talk again cuz that’s what happened 3-4 days ago I talked to this girl I liked did I know her? a little bit but she barely knew me she started asking me questions about myself I said the truth and look what happened now.
My aunt told me if she comes back to you just don’t accept her tell her you don’t want to ever talk to her again and she will see how you felt.
But ehhh I don’t think she even cares to talk again I’d be shocked if she does
Ok maybe you guys will get this part just saying idk but lying isn’t good truth is better right but this is why I lie more than be truthful the ones I lied to lasted longer with talking then the ones I told the truth too and when I told my aunt this she was confused she goes idk buddy everyone’s different.
Thank you. This really makes me fell better.
Maybe he doesn't know how to buy gifts for women. What did you get him?
I’ve tried but I ended up feeling bad cause he was in college these last few years and says he’s working hard to try and achieve “my” ideal life but whenever I ask what he wants he doesn’t knowww
I remember being 17, looking at my girlfriend getting dressed and being in absolute awe.
Even women love women.
OP, what was his exact reaction when you asked? And how exactly did you ask?
UK
Please stop having sex. You’re clearly not mature enough for it. You ask your girlfriend to wear makeup during sex and that’ll stick with her forever… don’t be so fucking stupid
He’s being unreasonable. What’s the problem even if you were playing with yourself? This relationship doesn’t sound healthy
Dear OP, I am so sorry this happened to you. What you describe sounds like rape and here are some things you might need to hear.
It is not your fault Tell yourself it is not your fault every day, until you finally start believing it. The memory of this can be haunting and flash by unexpectedly, prepare yourself for this with therapy. You have terrible friends. Your friends are clearly not your friends, find better friends asap and ditch these even sooner Since you have terrible friends, they don't have to believe you. But you should always believe what you know to be true. Don't let anyone talk you out of what you know to be true. Again it is not your fault, can't ever say that too often. If you are too drunk to talk, move, keep your food in or your mind straight, you cannot consent which is why your sober ex boyfriend should have stayed away from you, intimately speaking, that night. But you said no or stop, which is you verbally setting a boundary. He knew what he was doing and that is awful. This is not your fault. He is a disgusting human being.
It might happen that you feel like you have healed and you have moved passed this horrible memory and then at some point a partner might do something (with your consent) which might trigger a memory. Again, therapy can really help with this.
And based on this post and your previoys posts, please find better friends who arr not toxic and disgusting and horrible and condoning crimes. You were raped, that is in every way a crime. I know it is very strange to realize it, to give what happened to you the definition it has, you might suddenly get angry about this or sad or disgusted or whatever and that is all normal and ok.
Good luck OP, you can and will get through this.
Obligatory cheating is wrong, blah, blah, blah.
He says he’s forgiven you but he hasn’t or he wouldn’t act this way.
You want to stay with someone who “can’t help” being cruel to you, is angry at you, and now calls you a prostitute despite you doing everything you can to build back trust (which I don’t believe can be done after a year of you working so hard and him still being so angry).
Yes, I think you’re doomed. You can maybe try couples counseling but I think you’ve wasted enough time on this.
Yes I passed out and that’s it. No it’s not ok and it was a big problem but I did not ruin anyone’s wedding and the bride and groom made that very clear. I was having fun dancing and my body just shut down when I went to the washroom and there was only 10-15 people there, all extremely drunk, at that point.
Yeah. I want to say I still love him and I miss him. But we were mostly online although we met and him sheduling for deletion his account doesn’t help. I feel like its gone.
Holy fuck I won’t read that. You are insane.
being horny and doing some sex with someone you’re not supposed to is one thing, and kinda understandable. dropping to your knees and pleasuring someone else with your mouth, like, why would you do that? you don’t even get anything from that.
i don’t think it’s wrong to feel weird about this. i trust my man but i don’t trust random girls i don’t know hanging alone with him. you’re right to feel weird esp since you don’t know the guy.
and tbh, with the way you said “dealing with her,” i think it’s time to breakup. if that’s how it feels to date her, you’ve gotta part ways. esp since she’s pulling this bullshit going to a game with a guy. i, as a woman in a committed relationship, wouldn’t feel comfortable going anywhere alone with a guy who isn’t my man or a family member. her doing this and not seeing the issue with it is very telling about the level of respect she has for you.
She does. And she has been under a bit of stress this holiday. But no more stress than other holidays to my recollection.
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I don’t think I can just ice her out totally if she wants to be friends. I know how hard things are for her and I know she doesn’t have people to turn to so if she needs me I want to be there. Though if she thinks it would be better to not talk that would probably be better for us both if that makes sense.
I rolled/refinances my federal loans into a private loan a bunch of years ago when the rates were good and they ran a program where for every X years of on time payment, interest went down. I had 100k just for undergrad.
Anyway…I have a question…did she ever have a “real”’job before she graduated from vet school? I ask because it sounds like she has a low threshold for politics and conflict and general BS. Just wondering if a career/management coach might be beneficial to help her navigate more effectively.
It seems like you are coming at this from a place of genuine care and not just selfishness. But the resentment is gonna get you. I really do think a couples counselor would be wise.
As for the money again…financial planner. Maybe she can take less hours or a job change without it impacting your financial goals terribly.
One thing I can’t believe I forgot…what about a company like IDEXX? I worked for them on the software side after college as they make veterinary software but they also do lab machines and such and use veterinarians for a lot of their research, software eval, and in their labs. The lab stuff is more overseeing the lab that takes in the samples vets send.
Pathology is another angle.
I dunno. Seems like she needs professional support and this is way more than you can or should try to provide.
Good luck. I don’t want us to lose any more vets to suicide because life is that damned miserable.
The issue is not really the crush, but what she does with it, if she cultivates it or if she tries to get over it.
That leads to the question of why she told you about it.
Either it's because she felt the need to confess because it's emotionaly affecting her, she's afraid of what it will lead to if it goes on and is hoping that coming clean will help her react and do the right thing, or it's because she lost respect for you because of her attraction to him, doesn't want to hide it anymore and is just informing you that she'll pursue it anyway and you can decide if you want to be a doormat watching your gf entertain another guy or leave.
There is also the possibility that she downplayed it as a crush when it already went beyond that, so you're going to need to check what kind of interactions they had outside of work.
At this point, you need to find out if you both really want to save your relationship, and if so, she will need to forcefully distance herself from him, and that is non negotiable.
At worse, she can only interact with him in group setting and for work related issues, and at best, she needs to avoid all interactions or change job if she can't manage that.
I'm sorry to say this but he is projecting
This smells so super sketchy. Even if they're not having an affair, she's clearly enjoying the risque attention.
The kid card is really powerful. It is better for a child to be raised by two parents. The optimal solution here would be to have a serious talk with the mother. Tell her you do not love her anymore and you can't anymore. You could stay friends and keep living either together or you get an appartment very closeby. You can have seperate bedrooms if you stay in the same house. You can each online your own lives and have family time once a week where you do something together. It works. Some people have this arrangement for their kids. This will ofc make it very hot to date again or find a new gf. However this would be what I would propose in this situation.
That is such BS you have no idea how this relationship just because there is a age gap doesn't mean anything.
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She's your girlfriend and you're in a relationship, but you haven't talked to her about this? Brought up your concerns and discussed how it makes you feel?
It reads like you're not even concerned it might be an EA. It's purely about respect and your ego. If that's the case then you should break up. For her sake.
Oh that's a great term for it.
This would be divorce for me. I’d get the test and have my papers ready the moment the results came back. If you don’t trust me, although have given you no reason not to, then I don’t want to be with someone so insecure.
That’s not going to get you far, since there’s too much variance to rely on a one size fits all approach. Learning emotional intelligence, practicing mindfulness and leaning into empathy would do you wonders man.
You had a rule that if you had an open relationship you would only sleep with the other women?
Sorry to hear that. Throw out the trash. You deserve better.
Don't buy guns for people who can't get them legally on their own. Especially don't buy guns for people who THROW THINGS AND HAVE TANTRUMS WHEN YOU SAY NO TO BUYING THEM A GUN.
It sounds like his lack of enthusiasm is because she's made him her whole life. She needs to back off and let him have space. She needs to make herself friends, and have her own hobbies and be her own person, not some extension of her boyfriend.
The fact that you keep defending yourself tells me you’re not happy at all. I’ve responded to negative feedback with appreciation and only attacked some trolls. Seriously, good luck guiding others into denial!
If you have a to make a deal to hide it from your wife it should probably be self explanatory that it is indeed a form of infidelity to you, her, or both of you, and it’s something you have prior knowledge of.
What da hell ??
You need to sit her down and tell her what the monthly bills are for the apartment, rent, utilities and insurances. You then need to tell her that whilst she is living with you she is responsible for her portion of the rent, and half of the utilities. If she is not willing to pay this then she needs to move out within the week.
If she complains and claims that partners don’t charge each other rent, explain that partners don’t use each other either. All couples split bills.
Not entirely accurate. I was only really interested when her breasts grew a lot in size.
Sounds like it to me.
The search dates went too far back for that to be the case unfortunately.
Lol no that is not cheating. People in relationships can still find other people attractive.
Was he legit concerned about losing his wife to someone else? Amazing how when people become insecure, they quickly start to create a self-fulfilling prophecy … and then “See, I knew you were going to leave me!” Facepalm.
Pump the breaks. Slow down. Let her plan the wedding at her pace. If she can’t handle it right now get married a year later. It sounds like she was expecting her family to pay for it and they are broke and embarrassed.
No we don't online together. The money issues I feel are so small because we plan to get a mortgage together next year. When his car broke down the first thing I did was offer to help him pay for it. When it comes to me I just don't get the same back and it's very disheartening. One minute he'll tell me he has no money, then the next he's telling me he wants something for £100 +
Really? You wouldn’t even be asking if a man completely ignored you saying no. No means no.
Why be careful? Just do it
LOOOL what the hell
Well guess who was right you bunch of morons! I did catch her cheating so to all of you who came dwn on me for having my doubts well now u can go down on me!
So you go places that he enjoys, you obviously don’t like them and that makes your boyfriend feel obligated to not enjoy it as much either, ao you decide not to go to this one. He says ok, as you are both in agreement that it lowers the mood when you’re not enjoying things anyway, but you’re upset that he’s ok with admitting that’s the truth? You don’t enjoy something that brings your boyfriend pleasure, so you act like a buzzkill there instead, and now you’re surprised when he agrees that you’d lessen their fun when he’s out with friends? He’s seems like he can’t win here, and that you’re taking your insecurities of not being fun enough out on him. Grow up and let him enjoy things that you don’t like on his own, without making it about you. It seems like now you want to start a fight, so that you can have him more concerned by your reaction than his right to enjoy time with friends without you, and ruin this event for him without even bothering to go.
Yeah, you aren’t being super supportive here. Could he have phrased his honesty better? Yes, but maybe look at your behavior if you’re upset by his answer. You don’t have to enjoy all of the same activities, but you sound like you don’t care if you ruin time out for him.
Some things can't be taken back and will damage relationships permanently. Saying you want to kill your spouse even jokingly is insanely off-putting, but when you were not it's even more sickening. I don't know if there is any going back from that
Yes
yes, I am fully aware of that and certain that i need to talk to them about it sooner or later.
Like a few months ago an aunt told me that i could start to plan the wedding to marry at 25, so that our marriage would be blessed by God. Few days ago my mother asked me if we ever talked about getting married by the church, and I sort of lied saying that we haven't even talked about getting married and I could see she got clearly upset with that. It gets to the point that I get sort of stressed being alone with a relative because for one I do not want to lie anymore when these questions come up, but especially with my mother she can be either explosive or cry for that sweet emotional manipulation and I still don't know how to deal with it. It has literally been said that I've been deviated from religion because of “bad influences from college”, like i cannot think for myself
yeah dude, what game is she claiming to play, lord of the fucking rings?
Honey, it’s red fags all over the place, and it will only get worse. Ya gotta go. Mental hug from me. You can do it.
I guess the difference is whether you believe the answer whatever it may be to be natural or supernatural.
Hmmmm, I don't know, maybe the massive lie by omission?
Being romantic shouldn't feel like a job or a prison sentence. When you phrase it like, “Do I haveto still be romantic with her,” it sounds like you view romance as a punishment for when you mess up.
You should treat her with the love and respect that you feel for her. That includes talking to her and asking her about her day. If you don't feel that for her, let her go, so she can find someone who does.
Great job. You said it better than I did. But, pretty much the same thing.
Same thing was happening to my partner. 26 y/o about a 50/50 he would maintain an erection.
Went to the doctor, it was low testosterone. He is on weekly injections now. Let me tell ya..it’s never been better
Yeah, sounds like classic pyromania, she probably displays poor impulse control in some other aspects of her life too.
These days its thought to be a type of OCD. Unfortunately its hard to help her unless she can admit it's a problem.
Depending on how enmeshed in her life you are, you could talk to her GP as well as her family.
Might be a good idea to contact your local fire station and see if you can come in for an informal chat. They might have some resources to help you and they also would benefit from knowing her location.
That said, if youre not up for a relationship with someone with disordered thinking then its ok to walk away from this one.
Don’t listen to your “friends.” This happened to you not them. This is just as big a deal as it feels. You were unwittingly manipulated. She fuck-tested you both to see which one she preferred. Unfortunately, you won. Whether this is a deal breaker rests entirely on the quality of your relationship over the years. If your relationship is awesome, it might possibly survive the storms of reconciliation. If it is anything less than that and she is even slightly reluctant to move heaven and earth to keep you, then it won’t. From the moment of discovery forward, her wants and needs don’t mean shit. She has already gotten six years that she did not deserve. Or maybe she did. And that’s the kicker. If she has been wonderful, then perhaps she has atoned throughout the course of your relationship for her misdeeds.
Whatever you decide going forward, don’t make rash decisions. A good relationship, even one that started on the wrong side of the covers might be worth the effort. But you must take a step back. I would even suggest separating for a period of no contact long enough for your shock to dissipate and to give you a chance free from her begging and pleading to see what you really want. If you can’t get past her betrayal then don’t consider reconciliation. It seldom works in real life anyway. Your circumstances are not the classic, however, where the cheating partner is caught out in the middle of a long union. Then success is less frequent than Big Foot sightings. In your case, though, all the good has come after she stumbled during your earliest days together. Only you can can call it. Do not let her or anyone else talk you into anything. Trust your gut, flip lots of coins, and don’t get hung up on drawing lines in the sand.
I lost the most wonderful person I knew to addiction. He's similar to how you're describing your husband, down to no children and our dogs. I was grateful we didn't have children. I was shocked when I realized he was addicted, and even more shocked he was willing to sacrifice us to this addiction. I knew he loved me, and us, but that craving meant much, much more. I realized there were people who knew my husband better than I did, and that saddened me. But this is about you.
The sad thing is, unless he wants help, nothing will change. You can't force him to change. The only one you can change is you. Make yourself strong. Realize the end game may be the demise of your relationship. This will make you strong enough to try to prevent it beforehand, but not be devastated if it doesn't work out. Now, set things in motion. Stop nagging him. He doesn't want a mother or a cop. It makes him not trust you as you don't trust him. Secure your finances. Separate yours from his. If he wants to speak about the source of his pain, listen! This is the source blood of addiction. But if he tries to give excuses for his behavior, practice BIFF: Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm. Just get in and out, with no judgement, but no time to listen to his lies or his routine. Create a strong support system outside of him. Do not hide his addiction. Addicts thrive in hiding. Exposure without ridicule helps bring light to their darkness. Let his prescribing doctor know. The doctor can't really talk to you about it, but they should be regulating his health, and this additional information is important.
And take time to take care of yourself. Your mental health is important too. Peace to you.
yeah that’s for sure. I also forgot to mention, but he also asked to have sex with me after the kiss and i immediately was like no and asked him to leave. I think chances are the friendship might soon be ruined and i should probably keep it 100% professional and not interact with him about anything unrelated to work before shit hits the fan
What on earth is your definition of gaslighting?
Because I love him. Sounds so stupid. And I am also thinking if it’s not a culture thing? He comes from Middle Eastern country.
What country are you from?
Marital rape is illegal in the entire western world. Not always in other parts of the world
Play him at his own game, especially anything to do with aluminium, maths, and tomato
You need a life. STAT!
Your boyfriend is NB. Made his choice. T decided your bf's choice isn't.. good enough? T is just an asshole.
I think you’re resenting her not because of how she looks, but how she’s sweeping this under the rug because of all the benefits of moving. Which is totally valid. She may have some guilt that she made a choice that opened you both up to this and she’s compensating by digging her heels in that this is fine.
I would recommend entering a discussion about this with “I agree that your job is better and that the opportunities are better for our daughter. This move could be really good for us in the long term. But to get to that point, we need to make a plan for how we can navigate the mental health problems that our new environment is creating for our family as a whole.”
You and your wife might want to explore therapy options to help you navigate. You also may want to enroll your daughter in therapy, as this is clearly difficult for her. I don’t have the exact perfect answer. It might be hosting more gatherings, inviting other parents out for dinner, etc so they can get to know you. It might be your wife speaking directly with your daughter’s teachers – “this is a difficult conversation for me to have but it’s clear that due to my appearance, some parents and faculty are treating my husband like a predator and it is clearly having a negative impact on our daughter.”
he said he's not blaming her, but the outside judgements are wearing on him
Do you have any issues like this, too? It's always possible that you're blind to whatever the “problem” is because you do it, too. Some of the things you described could be from neurodivergence and it's not uncommon for the partners or family members of ND folks be unaware because they have some of those traits themselves.
Have you ever asked anyone other than your parents about this?
look you’re 30, it’s a risk to take, you either commit or not man because while you’ll be overthinking she’ll find a husband and pop some kids
He is twice your age and acting like half your age. Honestly, I couldn’t even read all of this, he is controlling and manipulative aside from being a predator. Get far away from this person.
I would not be able to look at them as it would remind me every time I looked at them he took them.
Aww poor him he didn't get sex how ever will he online
i do trust her, it’s the guys i don’t trust
This is a serious conversation you should've had BEFORE deciding to get married.
The fact that your initial response was to just walk out – and then DELIBERATELY said something INTENDED to hurt her – is a pretty strong indicator that you lack the maturity and communications skills to marry ANYONE right now.
This is either fake or you're surrounded by some sick fuckers. I'm leaning towards fake. No one is this stupid.
Maybe it's a threesome opportunity.
lol thanks
Same. They're psychopaths. And she has to worry about the whole department, not just him. They can function as a pack.
You're welcome!
Because he's fucking around. You are being naive. He was probably dropping her back off at home.
What, precisely, did you do and did it require medical attention?
Teenagers can walk in the rain if they want. I was walking to school alone since I was 8. Wtf kind of weird parenting are you doing.
When it comes to communicating these big things, it sometimes hurts, but you gotta rip off the bandaid
Not all the time but yes it is bothersome. I have always been like that. In age 6, they got my ear checked. In some topics I have hyper attention, in some none at all. I hope we can find happiness like that
I’m proud of you for checking yourself in and hope you are doing alright on that front. Honestly, the main assumption I’m making in is that she was really just looking for a fling while she was seeking treatment. I presume she blocked you and was harsh because she does not want to pursue a potentially serious and long-term relationship or anything outside of the time you spent together in treatment. If that is the case, her not communicating her expectations for the relationship is not considerate at all. Regardless of her reasons for ending the relationship, I completely understand feeling confused and blindsided by her lack of explanation.
As someone who is embarrassed about the way I used to rage at video games, the holes in the wall are a big red flag. I am completely embarrassed about who I used to be about 8 years ago. Getting mad at video games enough to physically punch a hike in the wall was my biggest eye opening event that I was such an angry and manipulative person that made everything about me me me.
At the end of the day, if he wants to spend more time with you or put in the effort, he will, but that is on his own accord. I definitely see myself in your post and I'll tell you first hand that he's not going to be interested in changing until you are gone or something bad happens to him that will force him to open his eyes. You sound like you love him, but he's probably banking on that and knows that's to his advantage.
You're young. If you want to see change, you can try to sprinkle ideas here and there and see if he takes the bait, but if I'm being honest, you're young and there are plenty of better guys who will want to spend time with you without making you feel like you have to beg for it.
I'm 8 years older than my partner, so 3 years is fine.
Cheaters cheat. It’s what they go. It’s why they’re also good at lying.
My love, he ended your marriage The day he told you he developed feelings for someone else.
There is no fixing this.
There is not enough time in the world to wait.
Why are you giving him the chance to hurt you again? He doesn’t love you. Have some self-respect and put an end to his bullshit. Take that control of YOUR life.
Just leave. Too much baggage here. She wants you to stay but that isn't fair to you nor your feelings.
Cut her off entirely, any information she has about you she twists and uses against you
You're right, I know deep down this won't work out, and not just because of a piercing.
Children
Glad he’s your ex!
Or she’s Catholic. Either way, OP is on track for 18 years of child support if he doesn’t start using condoms or break up with her.
Going on vacation with her friends for 2 weeks is normal. Leaving indefinitely and not telling you when she's coming back? Not ok. Especially not with a kid but even if you didn't, that's still a crappy thing to do to your partner.
Maybe she needs a counselor or something, if she's unhappy and isn't sure why. Fucking off to France for an indefinite period of time isn't the solution to that.
Charlie is a grown woman, she is married, she has a child. She did this freely as an adult. She has committments and a higher calling than running off to Europe. Who, intellectual.honesty here please, believes that it will take more than 48 hours before she “discovers” herself with a French penis.in her? She as much as told him. This is some kind of delayed adolescence thatbhas infected modern society.
I want to be a bride, I want to have children but being a wife and a mother that's no fun.
OP, tell your wife to decide what is important to her. If she goes, she should have another place to online, assuming she ever comes back.
Lmao your response is very telling.
I did tell my son they need to tell him together.
I don't think this is your call to make. Your son should decide how best to talk with his dad. Sadie's comfort level should be respected and if she is scared of this conversation right now, then she shouldn't be forced into it.
So in the past 3 years….you've never actually sat down and had an in-depth discussion to see if you're on the same page about expectations and timelines? Because this:
He was responsive said of course he wants to marry me but changed the subject quickly.
Is not an in-depth discussion. Couples usually don't “test the waters”, they just openly communicate to figure out if they're compatible.
onight I heard him make a comment to a friend that he wasn’t sure he ever wanted to get married. I was pretty surprised since this was obviously different than what he’s said to me.
He clearly was never comfortable talking about it, hence, it's high time for you to finally discuss things more openly.
it’s not something he wants – do I walk away?
If he doesn't want to get married, and for you, it's a must. Then, yes, you should move on.
God what a baby.
Don't let him talk his way out of this one. He's most likely gonna hit you with “just a joke” or “nothing actually happened” or “you're overreacting” or “I was drunk, I'm so sorry”. No matter what the excuse, don't accept any of it. Any person who would do this, even as a “joke”, even when drunk, even if nothing happened, is just a plain bad person. He's hurting you because you had your priorities straight and no good partner or person would ever do that to you. Plain and simple. Be prepared for his bs excuses, because most likely they're on the way. If not, then it's extra easy. But no matter what, this should be over. He's willfully manipulating and hurting you. Pleaaase don't take it. He said he wasn't coming home tonight, just tell him to never bother coming home again.
I think what you’re sharing is pretty common. I raised my step-sons from 12 & 8. They were 22 & 18 when her and I divorced and are 26 & 22 now. I literally did everything for those boys, especially when their father wasn’t around. Their mom also never really invested time into them and would toss money at them to “show she cared”. When she deployed for a year, the boys didn’t go to their dads….they stayed with me. Taught them how to drive, how to cook, how to do a lot of things.
After the divorce, our relationship changed. They don’t call, text, or return my calls or texts. I’ve sent them Christmas gifts and they never said anything about receiving them. I really felt betrayed, because I put them ahead of my own daughter. For years I’d ask myself “what did I do that was wrong”. Their mom was seven years older than me, so when I met them I was about 25. I wasn’t the perfect step-dad, but I did my best. My only real assumption is that they don’t communicate with me out of loyalty to their mom and that their biological father has been involved in their lives the last few years.
After a few months in counseling, I’ve learned how to let go of it. It does still disappoint me that they’re not apart of my life any longer, but I can’t change that.
If a person doesn't know if they'll be faithful to you, listen to them. If he's thinking like that then he'll use it as an excuse when the opportunity finally arises. Most men would never date a woman who said this to them. So why accept it from him?
He’s a lying liar that lies a lot. He’s just cheating pig and grooming you to accept his bullshit when you catch this clown cheating on you (which he is right now by the way). Drop the fool and replace him with a real partner when ready.
As a man myself, I would never, have never, and have no inkling or desire to cheat on my partner as flirting from anyone, not her pisses me off let alone anything more. ? No offense to all the other women out there no one else compares to my queen and I'm not risking what I got for anything.
Real loving men share my sentiments and you deserve someone that feels that way for you. Good luck ditching this loser.
This guy sounds dangerous. You should make your exit very safely
“We had problems with him not wanting to be monogamous.” Really sounds like you still probably do.
“I wasn't asking to go through it unlike he used to do with my phone.” Because cheaters assume their partners must also be cheating on them.
It's normal to want privacy, but those two things add some context that makes it really hard to trust him in the first place. If it's so normal not to want other people to touch your phone, why did he get to go through yours? Why the double standard?
It's perfectly normal to get panicked and upset when your SO wants to see your phone for a minute…when you have something to hide.
Plus the new owner could be completely mortified that he keeps going over there and she doesn't know what to do about him. This is just so wrong on so many levels.
I’m 52F, so I’m assuming that I have had a lot more life experience than you. If you were my sister or daughter, I would advise you to move on now. If that’s possible because of the lease, I’d advise you to online together as friends (without benefits). Why are you even entertaining this entire idea if it has been made clear that he doesn’t see a future with you? Do you really think things are going to change at the end of the year? What’s in this for you?
It’s not his marketing idea he puts his stickers over others who do the exact same method of marketing
Wow, what a rude b*tch. Your partner sounds like a nice man. Don't listen to someone who is a side piece of two years. It looks like she is jealous. If I were you I would watch out, keep an eye on her, she doesn't mind mingling with taken men. Don't talk with her about your relationship, give her as little info as possible.
Why do you have a dead bedroom? This seems like a pretty crazy idea of you aren’t having a good sexual relationship.
Either way both of you should have this discussion when you are both calm and rationally go over what option benefits the both of you the most. Him calling you a child is definitely insulting.
YES, we are both fine with everything, which is why I have no idea why her mom feels the need to make relationship decisions for us.
I think this is the right answer.
Leave her OP. Abuse is a cycle, she will continue to abuse & apologize & abuse & apologize, I know from experience :/ you should leave her since like yesterday. Sorry your going through this 🙁
I really want to know from a male perspective, why do you feel it does not benefit the man?
You know what to do
Police
I can only ? that any of my three sons or two stepsons DO NOT act like this toward their partner when they’re old enough to be in this serious of a relationship. I have several autoimmune diseases, the most serious having onset and diagnosis only 18 months into my new relationship. You know what my partner DIDN’T do? Expect me to work more hours at my job or more hours on housework when I was incapable of doing either. I beat myself up badly enough from an emotional standpoint for what I can no longer bring to this relationship, I’d be crushed if my partner treated me the way you’re treating your girlfriend. That said, you’re very young and still emotionally maturing. So I’ll advise you as I would my sons. It can be incredibly difficult to be in a relationship with someone dealing with autoimmune issues. You need to decide now whether you’re in or you’re out, because if you’re out, get on with it so your girlfriend can focus on her health. Good luck to both of you
Pre-cheating that’s brilliant. I’m going to sue my company for pre-wrongful dismissal. Or pre-harassment. I’m golden. Thank crazy for me!
Plot out your goal posts of things you want squared away before you have a child. And make him plot out his.
For me, the list looked like: * Get job promotion ✔️ * Buy house ✔️ * Travel ✔️
If he can't plot a realistic list, then he isn't planning for kids.
I wouldn’t discuss this any further. He feels like he’s in a position of power. Partly because of his age difference and because you have children together and are less likely to rock the boat. The best way to change HIS behavior is to change yours.
Being less interested in what he’s doing. Start with – if he doesn’t pick up a call do not call again. In fact you don’t need to call him at all. If he misses you and the kids he will call.
Do start some kind of activity outside of him and the kids. You could take art classes, join a tennis league – there are beginners, a book club SOMETHING. Info: did he move you to another city and detached toy from family and friends?
Since you are paying many of the bills, are you paying from a separate account? Are you working? If yes remote ? Or going to an office?
Does he ever stay home with the kids and give you space/time to be child free and take care of your personal needs or just to go have some free time?
The more you act like you don’t need him the dynamic changes in your favor. This is just a start. There are therapists who can help you.
I am sorry you’re going through this. It reminds me of a couple of relationships I had to exit. It’s hard to let go, and yet the other side is much better.
You can do it.
This sounds like someone who was just ITCHING for a reason to end the relationship. Maybe talk about that. But continue with splitting bc this is not a normal reaction.
This is not a large age gap. I think its a US thing to be more sensitive about age gaps but just over 6 years is barely a gap. There's 8 years between my mum and dad (he's older) and they've been married for over 40 years and have a very normal healthy relationship. If you both get on and there's no weird power imbalance then forget the age.
Block him. Set and keep boundaries with her.
Tell your friend that you aren’t attracted to this guy anymore. That him dumping you multiple times killed the attraction and it’s not coming back. It’s not her business and it’s not open to discussion. If she brings it up, you will end the conversation. Then hold those boundaries.
If she texts you about him, ignore the texts. If she calls you, tell her it’s not up for discussion and end the call. Then ignore her for a few days. If she brings it up in person, refuse to talk about it. End the night early if you have to. Then ignore her for a few days. She will learn he is a forbidden topic. If she still pushes, she’s the one ending the friendship, not you.
May be time for a marriage counselor with some specialty in sex issues to facilitate her undoing the turn off she developed from being rejected. It isn't going to change without serious intervention and a commitment to do what is necessary to address what can be addressed. You all wanted marriage- well, here it is. Time to put some effort behind those vows.
She’s definitely having sex with him… all signs point that way…. Hire a private investigator and you’ll have your answer… only if you want to know.. but can you handle the truth ??? Or ready for it???? Hope that’s not the case… but do protect yourself n your kids if she is… good luck..