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Date: December 6, 2022
You need to cut off contact with her again. If you see her with mutual friends, that’s fine, but stop having conversations with her. This shit is toxic.
She made the choice to suck up her feelings. Just because she did that doesn’t mean you owe her anything. That was her choice, and you didn’t force her to do that.
Who cares what she thinks about the breakup. You know it wasn’t mutual, so why does it matter.
You weren’t the person she wanted you to be? No shit, that’s why she ended things. Because you weren’t what she was looking for. You know who you are, and you don’t need to listen to her or who she thinks you are.
You need to stop talking to her. You’re not going to move on unless you do. It’s fine if you see her with mutual friends, but stop having 1 on 1 convos with her.
I’d 100% pass on having a pastor tell me that I can’t have sex—especially if he’s not been in my relationship before this random incident?? I’d tell him to get outta my relationship. smh, I’m so sorry OP.
that trust was broken, and it seems like it was broken a while back. do you really want to stay in a relationship where you’re constantly wondering if he’s cheating? walk away.
You are obsessing you’re thinking and observing over every little thing and she’s out there, with him not thinking about you. It is a major mental leap to act as if she’s on a self destructive spiral because she’s not with you. Let go. You shouldn’t be monitoring her underwear that’s crazy. Your concerns sound paternal, it’s actually not your business it’s hers.
Nobody said you didn’t let her express herself her doing different things is because she’s got an interest in it, the energy for it. She didn’t whilst married, she got in a rut.
I've made comments that to me were in jest but were really hurting him.
What comments did you make specifically?
It means he probably likes her. Being drunk reveals your true feelings
No you should find a better gf.
You’re 31 years old… seriously. You’re wasting her time at this point.
I'm just here to say that I know two people (as far as I know) who have it. They both are in long term, committed relationships (not with the jerks who gave it to them). One is in her 50s and the other in her 20s.
Point is, it's not a deal breaker to people, or even for those in casual relationships, as long as all involved are responsible, respectful, and armed with knowledge. You're not stuck and unlovable because of it. Thought I'd put that out there just in case.
Your girlfriend leaves a lot to be desired in those areas. I do hope you get an apology and she sees how terrible what she did is. It is a massive violation of your trust, but also your body.
Brainwashing is weird. You can break the rules of the cult and still be a devoted member- especially when it has to do with sex, a natural drive
Sorry, but your wife is right and the problem is that she is probably anxious when you go visit him.
Even if you don't take the kids, as your wife, I would wonder if I died if you would let the man inside your home because you claim he is “supportive” and I would be very worried.
You are even lucky she married you. I would never marry someone who didn't cut off permanently a pedo family member or friend from their life.
This is excellent advice, OP. Also
Recognizing that something is broken isn’t breaking it.
is something I'm going to remember.
You should have your own therapist too- what he did was seriously traumatizing. You shouldn’t feel guilty your trauma healing timeline is inconveniencing him.
He deserves feel like shit for a while. Yes I can see it’s interfering with your long term goal of having an intact marriage. But he just showed you he would trust some rando over his own wife. That is such a HUGE breach of trust- it can’t be erased by a simple apology. That’s gonna require some dedicated effort on his part to make it up to you. Like heroic long term stuff to prove he has changed. Not just some gift, vacation, apology or him saying he is talking to a therapist.
Change takes time and he needs to be patient. If he’s not- once again that’s just more evidence your husband is foolish and hasn’t matured enough.
It might hurt him for you to take the time you need to process this- but that’s his fault not yours. You can’t process your way out of the loss of trust- he needs to earn that back.
He did cheat though. His revenge sex was built on lies, and he will have to pay the price. In both child support and now alimony. You should seek divorce for adultery. You did nothing wrong. He was disloyal to both his child and you.
If he can be so easily manipulated, he deserves nothing less. And your parents should also pay the price. Neither of them are strong enough to support you moving forward.
Not only does she not appreciate you, she seems…mean! Not only did she say this to you, but the way she said it was so unfeeling and unkind. “Sorry to disappoint, but did you want me to lie to you?”…that’s simply not giving a shit about you or your feelings.
You took so much time taking care of her, you forgot to check in on if you were being taken care of properly as well, or treated kindly.
I get it, I’m a recovering “helper” myself, but you have to make sure you aren’t being sacrificed for the sake of others that are “takers”. She is very happy to take all of your help and kindness, and she is happy to pretend like it doesn’t exist, because if she acknowledged it, she would have to reciprocate, and “takers” can’t have that.
When you enter new relationships, start checking yourself when you feel the need to swoop in from the start. It’s far more rewarding to have a kind partner that wants to do things for you as well, one that encourages you to put your heroes cape away. It’s peaceful and doesn’t run you into the ground.
Why did you bring your fiance into this mess? Were you two living together first and you brought your sister into your house? Your parents are the ones who should be Dealing with this not you. Your sister needs a mental health evaluation and supervised by a doctor and proper treatment and medication. Let your fiance go because this situation with your sister is a life long journey and your life just took a back seat.
No you aren’t being needy. This is only unreasonable if you don’t talk about it and say what you need here with a plan. Us men work great when we have a plan we can stick to.
As it stands, you recognize the issue and he does not. So bring it up and say you want a date night once a week alternating you and him planning it.
If you don’t have the cash set up a no phone night where you cook dinner, eat and clean together, then throw on a movie or work on a project.
You have to say what you want and work towards doing the things that make you happy.
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This is very optimistic… my partner and I were in the same situation with my younger brother during 2019-2022. He isn't receiving any treatment and hasn't the whole time he lived with us. He lives with my mom now because she moved closer, but our mental health and relationship suffered. What will you do if she refuses treatment? What will you do if she goes off her meds? If she relaspes when your first child is born? If she runs away? If she becomes homeless? If she starts distrusting you too? This is a lifelong illness. You need to think about this carefully, and realistically. Your partner has already started.
I'm sorry, but EW. She's creating the perfect environment for a yeast infection. Not everyone wears panty liners, that really is a “each to their own” thing. But you should be changing your underwear every day (Source: I am a 21 year old woman)
Kate is being ridiculous. If being tan is akin to blackface and means you can’t cosplay, then someone needs to let all the people at the Jersey Shore know they have to stop dressing up for Halloween, costume parties, and Comic Con. Seriously, I know people who are practically leather by now and haven’t seen their real skin tone in decades.
You need to cut this off. You are going to have to be blunt and/or rude. Tell him you are not comfortable being chased by someone as old as your father. Tell him you are not looking for a sugar-daddy and you have no interest in a groomer. Stop being “cute” (responding with a dumb joke). Yes you should tell him to leave you alone. If he still doesn't get it absolutely tell him to fuck off.
In that case definitely stay in touch. Having a friend from home to chat with could be very helpful.
I do go long periods without drinking, it’s just when I’m kind of stressed I just like to have a beer to chill out. Holidays had me working alot. I work at a bakery, and kinda get sad around holiday’s because i have no family. Having a beer and cuddling my cat helped me relax. I genuinely don’t know if thats a bad thing or not
I dont know much about alcoholism and drinking. I don’t exactly know how to educate myself. Im going to see if there’s a subreddit.
Well, you and your boyfriend are done forever.
Beyond that, since it turns out that you weren't in a monogamous relationship, go get an STI screening very soon. Make sure you're covered on that ground.
Beyond that, this is largely above Reddit's pay grade. Assuming you have a good relationship with your mom, and she's a generally reasonable person, I'd just start by telling her everything and going from there. Counseling won't hurt, either.
Please listen to all the comments OP. Your husband is very controlling and manipulative
Exactly. Having an eating disorder is not a shortcoming. He's trying to level the plane to something she's nowhere near. Op, do not listen to your STBX boyfriend. Run.
The cost discrepancy for all basic clothing items is ridiculous. Sweatpants, t-shirts, hoodies, etc. are always cheaper for men. I just started buying mens stuff a few years ago and never looked back. It’s often much cozier too
He won't change. You told him repeatedly to stop and he didn't, he then told you that he didn't register you saying stop. Just because it happens infrequently doesn't mean you should stay and deal with it.
So discuss it afterwards. I never said to Meet her head on.
I would address it immediately though. I don’t like being talked to this way, it’s a massive problem.
Guys, I just wanted to thank everyone who took the time to respond. God bless you all. And yes, I am on medication. I take lithium twice a day.
She's married with 3 kids and she wants to give birth and put her blood child up for adoption.. why can't she love the child? Like she loves the other 3 kids? Or maybe she doesn't? She sounds like a horrible person.. what will she tell the kids about the baby that's growing in her stomach? That she or he died? They have to wait until the 18 to try to track that sibling down… they can easily find out by doing a DNA test.. what a shitty mother she is.. a selfish mother to deny her kids of ever knowing their brother or sister…she can go back to work and hire a nanny but to give up her child because she don't feel like taking care of a baby is just pure fucking evil.. she should of just had an abortion than to have a child that will feel unwanted for the rest of their lives…that's a horrible person..not me…whatever her situation is or was could of been taken care of a long conversation time ago but instead she got pregnant…then don't have sex if you can't fucking deal with the fucking consequences.. she's not a fucking teenager but a fucking grown fucking woman with 3 fucking kids…
Came here to say this. To me, unmatched libido is a really big deal, especially if your love language is physical touch.
OP- another thing to consider is if there is too much focus on sex itself versus intimacy.
Absolutely. But all adult relationships are compromises. Allowing your parents to dictate your actions has no compromise. You need to assert your independence while considering their fears, maybe negotiate coming home on weekends and a meal during the week etc. But if you value your independence, assert yourself.
It wasn’t as amazing as you thought
Read the comments again. A lot are saying maybe she’s depressed or that it’s good to take time to find yourself or that everyone needs a break. You wouldn’t find that if the genders were reversed.
Far more likely it’s due to changes in her physiology than yours.
Noses and ears grow throughout one’s lifetime. ( That’s part of what makes old people look old.). Penises, not so much.
One possible exception to that is weight loss: reducing the fat pad in front of the pelvic bone can “un-bury” some amount of shaft length. Doesn’t change girth, though.
I'm here with all the other guys hoping someone tells me my dick will grow in my 30s.?
I applaud you for having a cool head and following your lawyer’s instructions on how to proceed in this situation.
Please understand that you are not ‘taking down’ four marriages. Those marriages where taken down by the people who are cheating. It’s like a rot. It’s easy to live! in ignorance about the rot, but once you find out, it’s better to let people know about this rot so that they can take their own actions.
Maybe your lawyer can get three additional clients out of this 🙂 He’s aware of the situation and he’s been working on it for a while. So, I’d think that he’s at this point better prepared to handle this situation.
His ex really hurt him by cheating on him. Assuming he's not an idiot, he's done with his ex. But it's not so easy to get over something like that. The best way to do it is to move on to someone new. But there's no instant fix. When thoughts of his ex intrude, he might drop a hint that he wishes his fiancé would do something to help him get thoughts of his ex out of his head. But in this case, her response was to get jealous and pout.
Does she want to marry you? Have you spent any time speaking with the woman in question? When you say that the marriage will fail but that you can't divorce her, what do you mean by fail, then? Do you just mean you will be trapped in an unhappy marriage? Does she also want to be trapped in an unhappy marriage? How will she bring in wealth if she will not work? Will her father continue to support both of you or will you simply be expected to pay everything back after you finish your studies? Ask your father how he expects all of this to work out. Maybe you need to find a more suitable wife in the meantime?
“Everyone messes up”
Going on an extended homophobic rant in front of your daughter’s SO is not “messing up.” It’s revealing core character traits that were always there.
I would give you an award if I could. Every paragraph 100% on point. Listen to this OP & others who feel obligated to stay b/c your partner has trauma. Newsflash, everyone has trauma. Healthy people deal with it. You aren't obligated to help anyone through it.
I agree completely. While we should expect our SO's to stand up for us, the first step is doing so for ourselves.
You’re right, she just confuses me because we do literally everything you can think of like a couple. Which if you weren’t interested why are you doing it then? You know I like you, yet here we are.
But you’re right, I should let it go.
Gaining weight doesn’t make you tighter. Loosing weight doesn’t make you looser. That’s not how it works at all what?
I've had partners who either went through major weight gain or major weight loss, and was intimate with them before and after. (Not same time, I'm just not a Spring chicken, things can be complicated LOL) Yes, it can definitely do that, I've felt and seen the difference. BUT I can't imagine a guy being so small that it would make it not feel good. What's more likely is that he has been playing with himself so much, and squeezing so tight, that he's cost himself a lot of sensitivity. Which is…yikes. I wonder if OP's dude has a full on porn addiction.
Some people are just bat shit.
I visited my ex BF’s parents a couple years ago. We had dated all through HS and college and are in our 40’s now. His folks still have our prom pics up in their house along with his wedding pics (not to me of course). It’s just…history!
Agreed. He's delusional as well for even considering this. I mean, my God!