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AngeelLina, y.o.
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Date: October 30, 2022
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she “jokingly” said “bitch, shut up.”
I don't know how someone, outside of a close friend, could drop that kind of line as just a joke. Either she's a no tact foghorn (those people do exist) or she's just trying to roll over you.
Whilst I get the “you violated my trust” thing, that's fair enough. What doesn't track is “I deleted them because….” Why would he delete things if he trusted you not to through his phone. That doesn't track.
My advice?
Don't bother trying to stop people from watching porn. It's a habit that's not detrimental to anyone's health and something private that no one else needs to know about (assuming he's not addicted to porn, which is actually quite a problem and a common one at that).
Trust me when I say that watching porn as a man has no bearing on a relationship. It has nothing to do with him replacing you with other women with impossible body standards etc etc…. All of those arguments that some women make actually make sense and seem very logical, but trust me, I could watch porn for three days straight, have no romantic attachment to any of these women in the videos, not be at all less attracted to my actual partner, and not prefer porn over my very real partner.
Again, there's a line to be drawn in some circumstances, like if he's addicted to porn or getting into some really unhealthy/twisted porn or carelessly watching it while you're in the same room, then yes, that's an issue.
I'll also say that I understand the concern about porn. It's better to on-line life without it. To be honest, I think it's kind of nastier part of society. It feeds your brain with content that you're supposed to naturally and healthily seek out. It's like a drug that rewards you for doing absolutely nothing.
It bridges the gap between getting out there and healthily trying to initiate sex with someone/your partner.. And when I say it bridges the gap, I mean it makes it so you don't have to get out there or attempt to talk to anyone. It's instant, effortless gratification which isn't good for you… but in small doses, also isn't terrible for you.
It's a lot like junk food, really.
I don't blame you for feeling upset. Again, what you're thinking is perfectly logical, and you certainly can talk to him about it if it bothers you that much, but trust me when I say this… Porn means nothing to most men. It's something to watch when you're bored or helpful material at best.
Not sure what kind of advice you're looking for.
She's actively trying to leave you, but keeps going back and forth for a number of reasons (from this post) – she has no job or money, 2 kids under 3, not a lot of support system from friends and family, fear of being a single parent, fear of having to raise the kids alone while you pay child support and see them every two weeks, judgement from society because she left a man who was providing because of 'emotional unavailability' and 'she wasn't happy' (yes she will be dragged to hell and back for choosing to be happy over keeping her family together for the kide). And these are only some reason that are glaringly obvious to me just by reading your words, there may be more reasons.
she had moved my daughter out of her room and into her brother's room with him so she could take my daughter's room for herself. Well now I'm pissed and not feeling very cordial anymore
I am not sure what the reason of your anger is. Is it because she mived out of your shared bedroom, or is it because she disrupted your kid's living situation? Because the woman doesn't want to be with you – idk what you expect.
And honestly if you want an outsider's perspective – I do see her point and what she's talking about. You say you dont want to insult her, but I can still sense a condescending tone in what you have written. It comes off as materialistic, and I can see why she would perceive this as emotionally unavailable. Info: why is she unemployed? Is it because she has 2 kids under 3? Or has she never worked?
The advice depends on what you want to do. If you want to save your marriage then I would suggest talking to her about exactly what is bothering her and if you can work together to fix that. If you want to move forward with the divorce then I would give her some grace period since she said she'll leave as soon as she has money. Good luck
I think your comment is fair, but I've been dealing with this sort of behaviour for 4 years now, I have desperately tried to get her to do things to help, she doesn't, and I tried to use a different way without the spoon, but the measurements don't allow for this, the manufacturer made sure if you lose that spoon you are basically screwed, others are saying the same thing on-line
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Yes I understand this. Tbh I have a hot time accepting it, because you’re right, I will then be waiting how much ever time it takes, which could easily be 3-5 years. And that’s the kind of long period I do not want to be unsure for…we have not made promises yet, and it would be better for me to leave now than later. I just…can’t do it cz she’s the best thing that’s ever come into my life. I am more smitten by her than I was with my first love at 17. Sadly I am not as impractically stupid as I was then, and I question things more now, maybe even more than I need to.
Is there anyway to request a different Advisor?
Sounds like she needs to be with Bob.
Cool. Physical cheating isn’t the end all be all of cheating. Emotional cheating is a thing. In this day and age, electronic cheating is a thing. Cheating is cheating. Honestly, I’d rather someone physically cheat than create an emotional bond with the person.
He's not taking your emotions seriously. He's not respecting you. He himself has no problem with being touched at his belly button, so in his mind it's generally ok to be touched there and he doesn't consider your request as valid. It's a joke to him and he teases you about what he sees as a silly quirk. And your reactions are funny to him because he doesn't think they're validated or real.
His reaction shows you that he doesn't think your feelings are as valid as his. He sees his own feelings as valid, his own hurt as reasonable, because he thinks your hurt is silly and unreasonable.
He doesn't hear you at all.
That makes him a bully. You're dating a bully that targets you and thinks its funny because he doesn't take what you say at face value. He has absolutely no empathy for you and your point of view.
That's what this is. He's telling you that he'll never just listen to you and he'll always judge you and make your suffering into a source of his amusement. Believe him.
If you leave him today he'll tell everyone you left him because you couldn't take a joke. And the worst thing is, he'll truly believe it's true.
Do you have any copies of their messages? Or have physical proof he’s still seeing that horrible person? If you have those things may be easier in the divorce as it shows he has no remorse and doesn’t actually want fix the marriage like he’s claiming. It’ll show he’s a liar and manipulative which is unhealthy for raising children too so maybe it’ll help with custody.
I don’t know anything really so take all this with a gallon of salt, I’ve just read some success stories that used the physical evidence to support their court proceedings better. I’m sure your lawyer is already taking care of this stuff but I am just worried for you and I’m also super proud of you and your strength in this horrible time. You and your child deserve so much better and you’re going to get there, I believe in you.
I get that, but I’m also a human being with feelings. I want to support her, but how do I deal with my own frustration? I want to be the husband she needs me to be, how do I get stronger then I’ve been? ???
I get it that you’re in love with him, but he is in serious of professional help. The problem is it seems to me that it’s getting worse and worse instead of better based on what you wrote. I’m afraid in the future if nothing happens He is going to end up lashing out at you because of his own personal demons. He is in severe need of professional help and you really need to look into getting away from him for your own personal safety.
Look into you local hashing club… usually something followed by Hash House Harriers. Beer, running, crass, beady drinking songs and TOTALLY NOT A CULT.
I confronted my wife about it, and she admitted to the emotional affair. She was initially apologetic and felt ashamed, and i forgave her quite quickly.
She then minimised and denied the emotional cheating issues, stating that i had misinterpreted things and they were just friends.
This is what happens when you rug sweep the affair and the Wayward Spouse doesn't face any consequences, now you're someone who will forgive her for anything that she will be doing from now on. To be honest she has lost respect for you. Her initial apology was to get her duck in order, she probably have deleted the evidence, if not then she has already made up a plan to save her and him in case you out their affair.
She does not want the rest of the group (including the gf of the other man) to know.
Tell them, especially the girlfriend of her AP, she needs to make an informed decision.
Sorry to break it through but your marriage is probably over and this was her exit affair.
You've just described insecurity in a number of different ways. Needing to own or control another person comes from insecurity about being abandoned. Abusive people try to lock another person down so that they have no option but to stay. The jealousy you described is 100% rooted in insecurity around past sexual experience. It's all just insecurity. “I'm not good enough to keep her so I have to control her”, “She has slept with more people than I have so will think I'm an amateur or will compare me to other men”… etc. And it doesn't sound like ignorance or your less negative reasons are relevant here since OPs partner has already slept with other women. And anyone who has slept with a virgin knows that the sex isn't better. To use your TV analogy, it's like watching an unaired pilot before all the issues have been ironed out. Everything is better with practice, including sex.
No way this is real. If it is, get out of your toxic relationship.
If your gf can't handle not getting a good luck then she is not ready for a relationship. She's 19, not 1
So how do I undo the damage?
Stop trying to fix this mess of a relationship and move on. She needs to get herself together after a very recent self injury attempt and multiple health issues. You need counseling to try to discover why you are allowing someone to restrict your relationship with your family and shy you feel great need to change perfectly normal behavior for someone else. I suspect trauma bonding.
I'm sorry if she had such an issue with your body count, why did she move forward with the marriage?
Another casualty of purity culture, and the fixation of being first, or one and only. Your wife has been conditioned to believe that virginity is a valuable commodity, and thus she has been cheated. This conditioning won't be easy to break, as it is likely tied into her religious and cultural views.
“I don't discuss my dating life with 40yr old men. Stop asking me about this.”
Even if you decided to let your wife embrace her bi side and you decided to let her have her female lover AND , lo and behold , you get to experience a 3 sum now and again … the other girl is gonna try and steal your wife . She might've already set the hook too deep anyway . Good luck .
What? No, he's probably not “saving it for someone else”. Maybe he masturbated previous, but now wants to wait for the real thing? Who knows. But this isn't weird at all.
OP chose those words. I merely affirmed them.
Only way to know is to ask her.
I love seeing a VPR reference out in the wild.