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anisa-shy Public Chat Channel
Date: October 9, 2022
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anisa-shy Public Chat Channel
She doesn’t want you to reach out, unfortunately. Im sorry it went south, but it’s time for you to reflect on how you’re feeling and work on moving on. Reaching out will just get you your feelings hurt at this point.
You can’t fix him and it is not your job. That would be his job. He is choosing not to do it.
He is very very clearly (like seriously, he is standing there waving red flags at you) escalating toward physical abuse. He takes no responsibility for his own emotions, has a fragile sense of his own manhood, and feels entitled to physically prevent you from doing things he doesn’t like. Use you valuable “wondering how to fix him” time to GET THE HELL OUT before he hurts you. If he’s physically stopping you from leaving, my guess is you have less than a month before he escalates to the next step.
Just saying I’m done with this
Oof, the title haha…. Explain why you felt the need to word it that way please?
Outside the title, which is hot for me to move on from admittedly, she’s not ready for a relationship, and if you try anything to force the issue you’ll push her more away. You can either move at her pace, and hope that she starts to trust you, or you move on from her and try to find someone else. Moving at her pace ABSOLUTELY means just that.
Man… you’re not too empathetic of a person
It's a conversation we have had previously but it didn't bother me if she was working part time but able to afford her share that we agreed upon it was fine.
I am advocating reporting her side of the crime, without just giving the police half of the information. I have added elsewhere that he should report it but doesn’t have to prosecute, but she was there and should report what she saw. Everyone in here is merely giving advice. Your opinion is as valid as my opinion, pax.
But when I saw him the other day, he didn’t ask about me much at all. He didn’t text me after.
He actually broke up with me with the main reason being that I want kids one day and he’s not sure. He’s since put that he doesn’t want kids on his dating app profile. So maybe that’s enough to prevent a man from loving you? I’m embarrassed as I told him early on I wanted kids one day. I thought it was an excuse and he just didn’t like me
Why, that sounds very negative, if I understood she just wanted to cuddle and talk first to get in the mood, 100% would give her what she needs, but if she just came out and rather aggressive put the kabash on sex that would absolutely kill my mood.
Get new pillows. Use a vinegar rinse on your hair. Dry it every time it is washed.
Once again, in a healthy relationship, “what the truth is” isn’t in question. This is not something that will get better. Honestly, you breaking up with her and citing dishonesty as a reason could be really empowering for you. She’s gaslighting you and using your anxiety and insecurity against you to try and get away with it.
This is what you must do my friend. I had this same exact shit happening to me a year ago. We have three kids together, I was paying 100% of the bills and the only one working and she still had the audacity to kick me out of “her” bed. Some women have zero respect for their partners. She’s either narcissistic or extreme abusive/manipulative or both. Your head is probably fucked. I am sorry. You will be better a year from now – if you leave now.
With such a toxic relationship why in the world did you have a kid? Did you think it would magically fix everything? You're a little late asking for advice, but if it's that toxic then separate and do shared custody. Don't raise your daughter a toxic home.
Ive never thought about it like that. Thank you.
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there is always someone more suited to your needs and beliefs/interests, don’t feel stuck with someone if you aren’t fulfilled in that relationship. better to be single and happy or in a relationship and happy no other advice really matters when it comes down to it, it all means the same
Ok I get that, then is it wrong to feel like I shouldn’t try as hot to play with him throughout the day?
Bb the fact your from a very abusive home generally means you will have problem seeing abuse and what is healthy. I would bet my car that man’s family is not as healthy as you think and your in an abusive relationship.
I am not interested in him romantically but I feel close to him emotionally and it feels important to me
Oh please shut up, you know you're meeting to fuck c'mon now ahaha
Yep borderline creepy at best
Could be, worth investigating. Good luck.
?? whatever you say.
Your wife is using her children as pawns for her jealousy issues. The friendship you have with your ex is healthy and good for everyone involved. The immature thought process your wife has is toxic.
No you apparently can't read or are dense like a brick
I'm guessing this was ages ago given that you're getting married now.
Why are you so hung up on something that happened before you guys were official?
Your girlfriend is right. This diet is unhealthy and disgusting ?.
I would recommend speaking with a doctor and dietitian before starting the diet. I can only imagine what diseases will come from this, from food poisoning to parasites to heart disease.
If you don't care about your health do the diet and dump the girlfriend. She definitely deserves someone who uses their brain, you are not using yours.
Break up and move on, don't be a backup plan!
Yesterday she spent the night.
You've already lost control of this situation.
You both need to sit down, not at a restaurant, and discuss things like adults.
Not just relatching, which is what is happening here.
Be prepared for details that you really won't like.
I'm sure your mum knows about her ex-husband's family situation, so I'd just tell her what you mentioned here in your last two paragraphs.
I spoke with her last night. She apologized again and said that she was sorry that she told this person all of our shit, but that she hasn’t had an emotional affair. I forwarded her an article that basically said that she had. She said that she never flirted she just talks to her group of friends about our stuff at lunch and he is one of them. I told her that their relationship needs to be reigned into professional only, and that I want an open device policy. I’m also going to continue to watch the behavior. I had a good talk and told her everything I was feeling about this situation, and we agreed to use this to help put relationship 1st. Go on more days nights every week, talk and text more, move the sex up to 3 times a week. I told her that the energy she was pouring into this person we should pour into our marriage and we both agreed to do that. A lot of good stuff. In a marriage with kids as hot as they can be a lot of times the marriage comes second and people start to get disconnected. I’m going to make an effort to keep our marriage 1st and she will too.
I missed my 40th because of Covid. And normally I couldn’t care less about birthdays, as they are just another day at work. But some birthdays are meant to be celebrated, of course depending on culture/religious beliefs the birthdays might change, but the 1st, 5th, 13th, 21st, 40th and 65th are milestones that should be celebrated.
And of course as you get older and closer to 90/100 years old, you celebrate as many as possible.
And it isn’t so much as the birthday, it’s the bringing together of your loved ones, the family and friends who you care for, and care for you, that is the celebration.
So see if you can un-cancel what you cancelled, and have your celebration. And if he gets in a grump tell him he’s not welcome to attend, and can leave for the evening/weekend somewhere else.
You are trash, you think you love somebody who you have known for a few months? Break up with your BF you don't deserve him.
Yup. If he took full accountability and had a plan to right the situation (as much as he possibly could have), then my opinion might be different, too…..but like you said, he tried to make OP feel like it was somehow her fault? Nah, that's a huge warning sign right there and you are right, OP should get out. Taking him back now would only give him the green light to do this again in the future and pull the same uno reverse on her.
You either respect her wishes or move on to find someone who will want children with you. If you force her to have a child, she may well end up resenting you and the child
Well, one thing is that it took far too much and too long to get there.
As far as what you can do, I think I gave you a very concrete idea. Go shopping together.
I do realize that all of these potential solutions will be complicated and require persuasion – that is why my very first thought is that you two should not be dating.
I do want to take a moment to reinforce this point: There is nothing the least little bit wrong with you expecting your boyfriend to give you gifts on your birthday and Christmas. Be sure to add a Valentine's gift and an anniversary celebration as well. Those are reasonable things.
Why you playing games? Lol ?
A thought exercise? Who are you?
?
You both have valid points but let me throw you this, of course your ex isn't oriented towards bills and “isn't good with them” because you've been footing them for her for the last so many years, I personally would say it's time for her to pull up her big girl panties and sink or swim, and I respect the kindness in your heart for sure, but I don't blame how your current woman feels as well, and I understand doing things to make things better on the kids, but it sounds like they're older now and more capable of understanding that things move on and change, and I think by now they know you've done all you can as a father for your family, point is they sound old enough to have already formed their opinions of their parents and family and understand the changes ahead
not just that- he'd then cry about how the divorce courts unfairly favor women over men
Curios, how long have you been dating?- and honestly you are only 18, there was no way you were ever gonna get every decision right from the get-go. If there's one thing you should learn to do more is course correct your life once you realize you've made the wrong choice. That's actually the healthy thing to do. And the politics thing… you guys should be able to agree to disagree with some things without him stonewalling you. He'sironiclly enough being paternalistic (“punishing you by not talking to you and just giving you books, come across as condescending”) to you in an incredibly childish way.
The mistake you made was not breaking up with the first time. You’re 22. You really see yourself spending a lifetime with this girl?? Just stop
Stop waiting for her. Just break up with her. You deserve better.
I was gonna comment something else but then I saw the age gap. Nope, not touching this
You did your part and told her what happened. There isn’t really anything else you can do if she doesn’t want to hear what you’re telling her.
You can offer up a final “warning” about what you saw and tell her that it you’re being serious and are only telling her for her safety. If she wants to continue being around him, especially drunk, that is entirely on her.
It's not gaslighting. She's talking about actual things that you can research and find facts to prove. It maybe that you've interacted with the wrong kind of people. But don't believe that notion. As for transgender woman most men just either like them or don't like them based on personal preference not genitals.
Bahahaha
Leave him forever and find someone you are compatible with.
He literally admitted to thinking about baby trapping you
You cannot parent her, it is not your role.
If your sister trusts you and listens to you and confides in you, it may be possible to talk with her and discuss what is happening to her but this has to be on her terms, she is an adult.
Are you serious?
This is emotional abuse
Yes. I spent almost ten years of my life ping ponging back and forth with a terrible person, and had no context to know that it was a poor choice. However, I had to be the one to take stock of why things continually spiraled out, reflect on why was I continually miserable and what changes could I make to feel better, accept that I had no control over the other person because and a lot more control over my choices and my participation, and finally broke the cycle by admitting that nothing good came of our interaction – I never blamed him, as it was apparent he triggered something in me that replicated the dynamic I had with an abusive parent. At the end of the day, it was on ME for continually putting myself in the line of fire, over and over, as if history wasn't a glaring red flag. I take full responsibility for my choices and actively work to not repeat them.
However. A toxic relationship does not excuse someone for being helpless when it comes to managing their own emotions and mental health – that mindset indicates a fundamental lack of maturity for a serious romantic relationship and a need to actively self-reflect and pump the brakes considerably while getting to know someone.
If someone is in the early stages of dating or in a situationship, and they “cheat” or actually cheat, or whatever, and the other person decide to stick around even though it is profoundly stress inducing (which we are all just presuming based on OP's history) that's on them for putting themselves into a situation that is not even fully formed and already disastrous. And if they can't make good choices in the early stages of dating someone in terms of discerning healthy partners or knowing their tolerance for certain things / boundaries, that's on them to get help for without everyone making excuses and unilaterally villainizing the other person.
Ask him to explain and provide proof of what you supposedly did. Ask your friends if he has shown them any proof either. At this point it's he said vs he said. And he's the one who had the burden of proof.
Naw, you don't owe communication to someone like this guy. Anyone who tells you otherwise is giving you shitty advice.
I think the abusive relationship subreddit might be more helpful for you. I know a lot of people can have less empathy for victims who are still realizing they are victims here but that subreddit is very supportive.
Yeah, I feel that I am going legit crazy and thats why I dont even know if I can even trust my gut feeling anymore.
Others already pointed out the legality of who should have custody so I won't but there's something else to talk about.
You have to determine if this breaks the relationship you guys have or not. I don't mean in the general sense either. I mean even on “compromises” where you guys take in the child and he does 100% of the work. My guess is that he thought that you guys would take in the child and you'd be a loving doting mother shouldering most of the work. I say that from just experience reading things here and in other threads.
Many people want to take on children left in these bad situations but they don't have any idea what it actually entails or how much work it is. And ultimately that is worse for the child. I remember reading a comment (different sub entirely) once by a person who was an adopted child that said they'd rather have a stranger who was competent rather than a family member trying to fuel their ego to be seen as a savoir that took in the poor orphaned family member.
You need to sit down and have that talk with your husband about how while his intentions are noble, it might be worse for her to live! with you guys because you both have no actual clue what goes into raising a child. And it wouldn't be fair to her to have her online with someone who is discomforted by her presence.
Then you have to tell him what you've chosen if he goes through with trying to get custody. That she lives with you guys but he does 100% of the child raising work (the most unfair thing to this little girl btw). Or that you'll leave him because it's not fair to you, to him, or to her to have you in her life; and that he will still be doing 100% of the child raising work on his own.
120% sure I'm not wrong. This is a 100% “you” issue.
Her ex cut off with him. Life goes on. He's now with you. What does change that he would have split out with her ex? He might have loved her, liked her to bits whatever, but life isnt a fairytale. She dropped him. He advanced. Your insecurity about this situation is 100% coming from your own views.
Sad engery suckers who want a reaction are never worth your engery. Ignore them.