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Date: October 23, 2022
He chose to have sex with you. If his girlfriend finds out and leaves him, it's his fault and no one else's. Being drunk isn't an excuse. You did nothing wrong. Block his cheating ass and move on.
What I can’t understand is I’ve never felt insecure in a relationship and hardly ever in my life otherwise before, other than ofc normal things. Idk how to build myself up, I’m not an insecure person, I’ve never felt this way before
Bro you’re talking about marrying a drug addict? Being addicted doesn’t mean she’s a bad person but absolutely don’t do that man. Plus if she’s sucking dicks to get drugs then she’s pretty deep in it man.
We are working on the space thing this weekend she's got alot of clothes and shoes etc. We are getting some extra furniture this weekend. I've got the bathroom covered my master bath is already a 2 person arrangement. You hit the nail on head about 90% being a different circumstance from all the time. That's why I thought the post might be helpful. Thanks for the advice.
To me it sounds like he just wanted to sound cool. When I was first dating my husband, I too wanted to seem cool, so I was telling people that our relationship wasn't serious and blahblahblah.
If he wanted to separate the friendship from his religious beliefs, he would have congratulated you and attended your wedding
oh this is fantastic
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A high school boyfriend when you are 17 doesn’t really count. She spent 8 years of her life with you after that. You have to accept she wanted something different.
When I was 22 I broke up with the guy I spent 7 years with. I just fell out of love overtime. For the following 2 years he was reaching out trying to get me to confess I cheated. I didn’t, I wasn’t in a relationship for years afterwards, but he couldn’t accept I just didn’t love him anymore.
Often the easiest answer is also the truth.
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He has decided, for whatever reason, or for no reason whatsoever, that you have cheated on him, and he has dumped you. My best advice is to realize that you are better off without him, and to move on.
To be clear, I’m zoning in on the fact that you believe that there would be a difference in response if it was a woman, not the fact that you used the word everyone. You are the one being pedantic by focusing on the word everyone when I never even used that word in my response.
I kind of figured, it’s just nude for me because my boyfriend and I really want to move forward with things like get married and have kids and I would like my mom to be apart of it but with the way she’s acting it’s starting to feel like it won’t be that way… my oldest brother doesn’t even talk to her anymore, he cut her off about 9 years ago. I’m really trying to prevent that type of situation.
Sadly I think you are correct.
She did bring up concerns with me when I started this relationship. As my partner works FIFO I was driving him to the airport twice a week. I also agreed to take on and look after his gorgeous Labrador while he is working away. My mum thought he was taking advantage of me. Which I never felt in my relationship. I can see why she may have some concerns though, but I did address these with her.
Just send her the messages and say that if she keeps bothering you or tries to make you the bad guy you will forward them to all mutual friends and family. That’ll do the trick
Is she making you choose between her and your dad or her and the AP? Because you can still go out with your dad and brothers without her until mom gets over it. I’m assuming this is somewhat fresh.
See a psychotherapist.
you kept going because he didn‘t let you get away
So you missed the part where her boyfriend is an emotionally abusive and manipulative twat.
If you continue this you are going to end up with a full blown aversion to sex. Men like your boyfriend need to get a grip, this isn’t acceptable on any level, I dont give a shit about peoples kinks. The fact is he gets off on hurting you, it doesn’t matter how sweet he is to you after the fact.
Girl open your eyes.
Any loyal man who’s in love with his girlfriend would cut Alyssa off. The fact that he’s even entertaining still talking to her is on him.
You should just break up because I guarantee that if you don’t agree to allowing him have sex with her he’s just going to do it anyway.
It is definitely scary. But it is also liberating when you can make decisions based on your emotional needs versus dependency.
It sounds like she is much more financially literate than you, you sound like you don’t make good decisions financially and that’s why you have such bad credit. You aren’t married to her, she has absolutely zero obligation to do what you are asking and the way you are trying to guilt her into co-signing is coercive and manipulative.
I mean arguably if everything hes saying is true, she kinda should make some ‘bad’ decisions too. Obviously hes not trying to fuck her over if hes paying her bills and puts her on a house she didnt put a downpayment on. Yeah they arent married but the guy has made himself more financially vulnerable to her than most married people I know. The total lack of reciprocity is pretty shameless imo.
Tell the Police – they'll find her
I’m going to try and be nice because your post made me more angry then I should be at this time of day
You need therapy and to leave your daughter alone and if the time ever comes where she wants to be apart of your life then you can show her the “changed” person you are but until then lie in the bed you made
You are freaking out about nothing, and if somehow your paranoia is right, guess what? They aren’t related in any way. Let them live! their lives.
Yeah I was naive in that aspect. For the IRL girl, we clarified that we are friends and we will see how things will go. When talking to the girl live!, we clarified that we are friends having fun. From that point forward I thought things were okay, but yeah 🙁
Each and every one of us is entitled to our own opinions, and the two of you are no exception. You don't have a fool proof way to know that she is wrong, and vice versa.
With this said, it is extremely important for a couple to have the same views on major issues like the ones you described. You two clearly do not, so the relationship wasn't going to work long term. It's easy to turn a blind eye to such differences when you are in love/infatuated with a person, but as time goes by, these differences will cause a rift sooner or later.
You both need to find people who share your own views, whatever those are. I wouldn't say that you dodged a bullet (or she could say the same about you), but you did do the healthiest thing for both of you, so you can both have the opportunity to meet better suited people.
YES!
Jesus, why do you even need to ask?
Thanks for your comment as well, it doesn’t sound harsh, this is the reality unfortunately. I’ll most likely stay home with the dog, if things take a turn for the worse while he’s there I can fly out later. This will give him some time with grandma and his family without having to worry about other things.
Sad that OP is happy to be “dominated”, either way.
I appreciate the reply. I have told her numerous times my income has been affected. She knows I have investments in my brokerage / 401 but I told her I don’t have much cash on me at all. Am I wrong for not selling some of my assets to help pay for her? I do care about her a lot. Also, she never expected me to do anything for her until I started saying I would do things for her and then I kept breaking these promises due to my financial situation changing.
Just block him and move on
Your friends are 100% right.
I didn’t
Last week.
Your behavior is gross, and you're underplaying your responses to her if she's left in tears. You need to grow up.
It's like saying “He wouldn't get along with women because he doesen't like constantly whining about things and cheating on men.”
Very sly way of insinuating that men are, by and large, complete assholes.
I don’t know, I think my life is ruined.
You're 20, your life isn't ruined, even if he breaks up with you.
Your best chance is to respect what he has said he needs and give him space. I know that can be nude in this type of situation when you want to remedy whatever is going on, but trying to force your presence on him when he needs time isn't going to win you any points. Don't text him, don't show up to his event. Just try to calm down and let things go how they will go. If he wants to fix things, he will contact you.
no. It’s not suspicious at all. You are fucking crazy. Break up with him because you are not mature enough for a relationship.
You're right. I guess I just came here to see if my feelings are valid because she makes me feel like they aren't. Anytime we have a fight, she apologizes and says “I'm not good at this whole relationship thing.” But then her behavior never changes and it's just right back to the same thing. Every couple of weeks, another thing that makes me feel like I'm the last priority. I guess my struggle now is how to end things. She's not even willing to call and have a phone discussion about this because she's tired of fighting. But I don't want to drag things on for another two weeks just so I can breakup with her in person.
No point
For a lot of people sex is a big deal. You say it's a small thing, but is that you minimizing the issue from guilt or is it for you genuinely not a big deal? You say you don't resent her, which suggests it might not be that big of a deal for you. Or you could be lying to yourself. I would recommend therapy to help you figure it out because really the only person who can answer this question is you.
I agree it is sad.
We have a child- I left that out because it would have added another paragraph or two to explain that our son was already around before he came along and adopted him. I also didn't want the post to have another large hint to who I am.
Thank you. That's a good point bc although I truly don't want anyone else I do feel guilty when I get the attention from others. Maybe my next approach is to be a little more serious about what he needs to do/ figure out. But that feels wrong bc I don't want anyone to ever feel forced to do something. But maybe he isn't hearing how serious I am because I'm trying so nude not to manipulate the situation.
Therapy would definitely happen before I let us completely fall apart. I guess I should look into that again.
Thank you again.
Yeah but guys are people too with emotions and what not. I have sex issues with my wife sometimes too and she’s super nude as well. She’ll do the same kind of thing and will mostly be in something sexy but sometimes you’re just not feeling it.
What helps with my wife and I if we are going through a slump is we might get a hotel room, have a nice dinner, get super high and bang all night. Lol maybe try that?
There is a lot of reason for that kind of behavior to happen. Sometime people have bad things happen to them (big or small) and they don't want to talk about it. And sometime they are angry with their SO, but don't want to talk about it right away. Or maybe they are angry, but think they are in the wrong and don't want to involve other people. My go to move in those situation (of course it depend on the exact situation) is to tell them the following.
Hey I notice that you seem upset. I don't know if it something that happen to you or something I did, but I just want to tell you that I'll listen to you if you want to talk about it with me. If you don't want to talk about it then it's ok, but I feel worry about you.
Then unless they want to talk about it right away, I leave them alone and just do my own stuff. Completely ignoring the situation is not good, they can think you don't care or they can their problems from you until blow up later. But regularly pushing for an answer can make the other person angry and/or make them say stuff you both will regret.
He’s young and dumb, all your words fly past his head. In 5 years he’ll post here “cropped penis doesn’t make me a woman, but just a man without penis”.
tryna fuck a girl half your age and ur getting hustled. I don't feel bad.
This is 100% fake
The way you're talking about this makes me think you may have some non-neurotypical thought patterns and reactions. Have you been tested for anxiety, autism, or OCD before?
I'm the same not on the pill because it made me have chest pains and I had an iud which ruined my body.
Not on birth control and make my bf use condoms we have been together for 5 years and he is happy with it.
I would only suggest buying condoms yourself and making the dude use those you don't know if they poked holes in them or something and if you have the condoms in your house you know they haven't been tampered with
She's looking for any cracks in your relationship that she can exploit, either because she's looking for an affair, thinks she's entitled to his attention or for some other leverage in the workplace.
Top marks to your husband for shutting her down and not taking the bait but he needs to cover his arse with his boss and HR and let it be known with them that her intrusive behaviour is making him uncomfortable.
any other account with the same info like email or phone number will be blocked, for throwaway accounts you need to make another email and not input a phone number. on instagram now when you block someone a message pops up pretty much saying “do you want to block (person) and other accounts they may have created” or ”just block (person)”, pre that option instagram didn’t give the option and just block the single person and not their other potential accounts. you can also just get a friend preferably one she doesn’t know to check not just facebook but instagram as well if you don’t want to go thru the trouble of making another email for a throwaway account.
I agree. There is no reason for him to keep copies of these pics of her in his cloud. He's lying.
You can't trust someone who lies.
well done! so proud of you! digital hugs
Sounds like trauma to me. A lot of my siblings make mean spirited jokes like that and get super defensive when called out. They are learning things they should have learned as kid really late because our parents were extremely neglectful.
That doesn’t mean you have to be this girls friend though. Being friends with someone doing these things (even if you do empathize with where they are coming from) is a lot. You have no idea if she’s ever going to work on this emotional immaturity and it’s not okay for her to ignore your boundaries.
Maybe tell her though? If she reacts in a way you’re uncomfortable you can just block her. It’s not your job to giver her feedback….. but I think being honest would be very kind here.
She already said he wasn’t like this in the past did you even read it?
I was in a similar boat to OP, but on the other side. Free therapist when she was sad and a punching bag when she was angry. Went on for years. I did everything for her, constantly supported her, took on the brunt of her emotions for her petty little problems(they really were the stupidest things to be upset over, but she was a spoiled rich girl). She eventually flew into a jealous rage after her relationship with a long time friend broke down, ghosted me, came back 5 months later with some “I've changed, I'm better” shit. The issue was, once she said “I'm sorry”, suddenly everything was supposed to be ok. She was exclusively motivated not by concern for me, but by guilt that she was the bad guy.
OP, the most important thing I can tell you is that what you did doesn't go away, and apologizing doesn't make it better, so the only thing you can do is work every day to be better. Be the person you would want your SO to be with. That's all you can do and it's all your SO deserves.
Savage. ?
Having dated someone like this, it’s exhausting, but basically hes embarrassed hes not performing well and it reinforces his insecurities
That's definitely a crappy thing for her to do, but it's been years since then. You gotta let it go. If it's becoming an obsessive thought or anxiety, it's time for therapy.
I think you're spot on with your diagnosis, it's clearly a cry for attention. But here is the thing, you are her husband, not her councillor, she needs to cop the fuck on and not be trying to test your emtioions.
Look it's not like you don't get desires while married, but reaiging them in and not acting on them is key for a marriage surviving.
I think you should tell your wife that is unless she is planning to leave you she should keep these ideas for herself and not try to hurt you to get attention. Also I would stop the drinking, just because she isn't shooting up anymore doesn't mean she doesn't have an addictive personality and as such she shouldnt be using another drug.
Don't wait; confront her the next time you see her. Waiting is just gonna play on your mind and make it worse. Maybe you could slowly reveal it first? Something like…
“Are you all packed for the trip?”
“So you'll need everything in there?”
“Everything?”
“Even the lingerie?/Who's the lingerie for?”
OR if you're confident there's another guy, just ask, “Who is he?” This doesn't reveal what you know other than she's cheating, which will cause her to reveal information that you might not already know. Just keep asking who he is until she spills the beans.
How is this a stupid reason? It's not. It's a pretty big deal: he is constantly distracted and not able to put his full focus on you. The way someone is able, or unable, to converse with you, and how they prioritize you during an interaction, are pretty basic, important things not only in romantic relationships but in relationships in general. He is on a date with you, but he prioritizes those other people he is writing to/reading from, constantly. That's not a small thing, that is pretty big, IMO.
Just showing that the Bible has some wild stuff in there.
I would'nt move in with this person. Yes, you aren't married, but no — if you are to have a place together, there has to be financial responsibility & trasparency? And you don't have to be married to know that a partner who doesn't do their fair share of housework is a poor partner indeed.
I did. I thought something bad happened.
Yep you made your husband cry that's over the top already. Are you always angry while pregnant?..Get something to help calm you down…like listening to soothing music, meditate?. ..whatever suits you.
And also careful.not to neglect or be too horrible on your husband…most men cheats when their wife is pregnant.
what? you never hang with your friends or coworkers just for a fun lighthearted smooch sesh?
You’re going to have to stop overthinking things. She’s 29. She’s had experiences with other people. But, right now she’s with you and that’s all that should matter. If you can’t handle hearing about that, tell you that it makes you uncomfortable and you would prefer to just focus on you two. But anything else is just overthinking
That's weird, speaking as a polyamorous person I'm more inclined to think that he's an idiot.
Polyamory is a relationship structure that allows everyone involved to date multiple people. It doesn't exist without the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.
Have you discussed dating multiple people out loud in words? If he wants to do that and you don't want to date someone who is doing that, this is a basic incompatibility about even with disagreeing about having kids. If he just experiences attraction to other people, that's not polyamory, that's called “too common to have a name” and the normal way to handle it is by not constantly talking about it.
Yes my thoughts exactly! Tinder is the last dating app where I would try to make friends….
I was originally going to say 7 grown-ass men… but… dwarves.
You are only 23, cut your loses, he already has 2 baby mommas, if you marry him, you are marrying those woman and their children. They will always be apart of his life. He is paying child support for 2 children already, those children will always be apart of your finances.
Ok, so your sister transitioned. Does this mean she has no empathy for her younger sister now? As an older sibling, it isn't that difficult to put together that it would be hurtful to take a gift from someone else. Your sister is trying to rewrite history, as a form of validation, when she ought to be more focused on living her life in a forward manner.
Stepping back, what your sister is confronting is that there are a lot of gender-based traditions that aren't prepared for situations like this. The closest comparable situation would be a previously unknown sibling emerging as the eldest, and demanding recognition for all the traditions that everyone had spent their lives anticipating for someone else. It isn't fair for your sister to expect everyone to conform to her demands using a simple technicality. Rites of passage and other traditions take time to cultivate and engage with. There are ways to address this, but none of it should be expected to resolve quickly.
Your family needs an opportunity to reflect on its traditions, in light of your sister's transitioning. There will be strong feelings, and it will take time to find ways to incorporate your sister into new or modified traditions. I suspect she is struggling with what she “missed out” on, prior to transitioning, and it is manifesting in intense demands for compensation. She needs to come to terms with the fact that she is who she is now through the life she lived before and after she transitioned. Her transition hasn't altered the past, it only opens new opportunities going forward. Be willing to work with her to explore those new opportunities, but be cautious of attempts to invalidate the life you and she shared prior to her transition.
If they stole candy or ran a red light? No. If they sexually prey on children? Uh, yes. And yes I know 18 is ‘technically an adult’ but from a power imbalance perspective that’s an argument made up of semantics people use to justify being a sex pest
In my experience, you don’t. The hurt doesn’t go away. Neither does the anger. It’ll get smaller, and you’ll be able to pack it away easier, the more time that passes. Keep up the good self-care techniques, that’ll definitely help. I was cheated on 3 years ago and still feel the rage every now and again.
Dress up like a robot
He’s not 100% sure y’all will work out. If he was he wouldn’t be so hesitant to move forward.
If you’re desperate to be a home owner why don’t you just purchase a home by yourself?
Thank you for your insight. I can't also help but think that he is, like you said, slowly revealing his ideas. He has told me this is not the case and that he's always been open, but who knows. Nowadays he is as he is and he's unable to be curious about other people's opinions, just quick to label them wrong.
It feels so shitty to talk like this since he can be very sweet too, as I said. But maybe I have a right to express this.
men kiss their platonic friends in many parts of the world
Lots of woman don’t wear rings – I would either get a rubber ring that lots of athletes wear. I would tell him honestly I don’t need a ring – I just need you and the proposal!
We see each other no more than once a week, and talk on the phone every other night or every two nights. Some days we go without talking and unless I have something I want to tell him or I had a bad day
and this is 'mushier than average'…?
He says that based on his friends’ relationships or his own parents’, our relationship is mushier than average.
so, a sample size of what, 5 couples? this is “anecdotal evidence”, not “a statistically relevant sample size”. as such, it's great and all, but comparatively meaningless. besides, you're dating him, not his friends. (if those friends jumped off a bridge…)
How can I make him realize the average couple probably is more enmeshed than we are?
you can't. he's not dumb, or incapable of communication– he gets what you are trying to tell you, he just firmly disagrees. he has a different set of ideals about how a relationship should look.
I can tell you that as a 46-yo man, I'm 1000% more like you. if I had a gf I only saw once a week, she'd probably not remain my gf for long. I'm not mad at it– I just know me, and I require more contact.
while we're here, I wonder about the mental health aspect of things. that can be an issue, if not dealt with. for example, it is good that he acknowledges his shit, but what is he doing about it?
He then said that he’s aware he has a damaging tendency to become distant, apologized and listened to me.
interesting that he is aware that he becomes distant and can't even provide any verbal affection, but at the same time, he says you're too mushy…?
so yeah– you don't sound like you're on the same page, and it's manifesting as a bad fit. if you can't convince him to compromise, you're left playing by his rules.
I mean, you can let him know that dae giovanni from the internet and his wife are a lot closer to your ideal than his… but I'm guessing that won't mean much to him. I do again wonder if addressing his mental health concerns might help, based on the fact that his issues turn into him being less proactive in the relationship.
So you think he’s treating me badly?
If you have to ask then it sounds like you already have reservations about it.
Is he even actually diagnosed? That would require him to actually seek help, it doesn’t sound like something he would do.
Thot
Ask her for a coffee date to catch up
The problem is, we never really go on any dates or any places together,it’s always empty parking lots and gym
You sure you're not the side chick?
The relationship is already over, otherwise he wouldn’t have suggested an ‘open relationship.’ Cut your losses. You sound incompatible to begin with, and now you’re planning to force yourself to accept him banging randoms on the side. Not healthy for you at all. Let him go and find someone who can give you the kind of love you need.
It's a curious point of view. Do you not view women as people who are worthwhile friends? Or are you afraid proximity to other women is going to tempt you to cheat?
Man bummer. Glad you went for it though.
If you don't feel comfortable with it, don't do it. You don't owe it to anyone.
Bless her heart. I couldn't do 3 minutes.
Your boyfriend is literal trash… cut your loses!
I think I might just try to focus on enjoying other parts of the trip, rather than the fact that I'm there with him. I know I'm capable of exerting enough self-respect to not care (there have been times where he was dating someone else and I fully stopped having feelings for him), I'm just kind of tweaking about it right now because I only just now learned they're dating.
She’s a garden tool, got it.
Why aren’t the boyfriends saying anything?
I think you should tell the friends (the girlfriends) that Sarah’s going after their guys lmao
i’m known for that. it’s nothing personal tho, i won’t lie i have a personal vendetta against liars lol. i understand it may not seem like a big deal to you, but the bigger picture is that he wanted you to be honest when your around him, and you didn’t. being straightforward from the get go will always be a million times better then tip toeing around thinking the less they know the better. it just hurts twice as much when someone finds out. i hope you guys can work it out, it takes time. it’s nothing you can prove overnight, if he will take you still, you gotta show him you mean buisiness. good luck sweetheart.
And here I am always looking for the two pump chumps…?♀️
I’ve been on SSRI’s for years. I don’t have trouble with orgasms with my husband. Prior to my husband, I had issues. It wasn’t entirely me. Your bf is treating you badly. Your body knows this. Find a better bf and bet that problem gets better.
He should go to therapy
Lawyer up son. This is definitely a whirlwind. Can't imagine how you're feeling. Other commenters probably are onto something, but realize that its not your fault. She's already gone, just protect yourself so you are getting taken advantage of. Separate. Don't give her any attention, don't fight for her, don't do anything to sacrifice for her. Focus on your kid and make it clear that your only concern is being in her life and being a father to her. A lawyer will tell you better, but you shouldn't give her anything that will be able to be twisted when it comes to litigating custody. Your daughter will be okay and arguably better if you are able to give her an example of what a happy and healthy relationship looks like with someone other than your wife. If you stay just for her, she will pick up on the dynamics of the relationship and internalize that as her model.
Get to the gym, get your confidence up, and maintain confidence that you'll be just fine finding other women. There's plenty out there when you're ready. Divorce sucks, but it may be the best route.
Sorry you're going through it. Best of luck.
He’s only paranoid because he’s not taking care of his half or more… he’s got to work harder and without doing so to keep his woman and family together. It sounds like she has and is continuing to do so.. her mentioning those things to him is not to say that she’s necessarily ready out to cheat or even gain the interest of another but to stimulate a response from him that will wake him up or he will end up losing her. They say when you lose a woman you lose their mental first then everything else follows. I hope he pulls his head out of his ass and does more all while talking less. Effort is only valiant when it’s consistently made. She deserves that right?
Ditch the cocklodger.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.
Nope, not at all. This guy just sounds like extremely bad news.
Or it could just be guilt. He screwed up and knows it, and is over-compensating. He's still a cheater and should be dumped, but on the scale of very low things a cheater can do, I can imagine many lower. But then again, none of us have any idea what's going on in his tiny mind.
Look, I'll cop downvotes because I know I have a valid point, and the idea is not dismissive of my partner in any way.
My fantasy is not 2 girls. It's experiencing an exciting three-way with my GF. The ideal person is our friend because she's real and I can envision it. Just because her friend is there doesn't mean my partner isn't enough because that's not the fantasy. I'm imagining a new out of the comfort zone experience, and it is something she absolutely loves.
I know my GF, and this fantasy is entirely based on her. It's about her getting out of her comfort zone and enjoying every second of it. She is enough.