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I'm a phd student who recently moved to the Netherlands. I managed to find an apartment for a few months, but it was only a temporary solution, and I've been looking for something more long-term.
I heard from a friend that someone from the same faculty (26F) is looking for a roommate, so last week I got in contact with her and yesterday I went to visit the place. Everything went great, she seemed really nice and smart, and the apartment is perfect for me!
Except… today I received this message from her:
It was a pleasure to meet you yesterday and I'm convinced we'd make great roommates. However, I must disclose something that I think is important for us to discuss before moving forward with this arrangement. I find you to be very attractive and I'm concerned that this may cause complications in our living situation.
I want to assure you that I have the utmost respect for you and I will do everything in my power to ensure that our living arrangement is comfortable and professional. However, I wanted to be transparent and let you know how I feel in case it is something that you are not comfortable with.
Please let me know your thoughts on this matter and whether you think it will be an issue. I value your opinion and am open to any concerns or suggestions you may have.
So yeah. I'm stuck. On the one hand, this seems like a disaster waiting to happen. On the other hand, what's the problem? It's never a bad thing that someone find you attractive, right? When I met her in person she didn't make me feel uncomfortable at all, and my gut tells me she wouldn't do anything crazy.
And yes, I do also find her attractive, but I naturally pushed all such thoughts aside. I wouldn't have thought about that further, let alone mention it so soon.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated because I need to respond to her at some point and I have no idea what to say.
It's both of you that have to make it a safe home. You make it a home for him and love him, he should do the same, make you feel secure and protected etc etc
Just to clarify – are you saying you have been broken up for 13 months? And you have had possession of the dog for 13 months? Has she made any attempt to retrieve the dog?
I understand where you're coming from, but depending on his limitations, you can't just toss an autistic child into an unfamiliar environment with a ton of new behavioral expectations mostly geared toward neurotypical children and tell them to be independent. He will likely need more support and involvement than a neurotypical child, naked to say how much without knowing him.
There are autistic people who live lives basically indistinguishable from neurotypical folks, and autistic people who require lifelong care. We can't really make a blanket statement about his functioning without knowing the severity.
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Yes, my girlfriend is a very attractive woman and he felt the same way too. He has made it very clear he wasn’t to sleep with her and that he finds her nude. I believe these comments were made after the walk
The four that he already has. It's unfortunate, but he has a right to say enough is enough, and so does she. Nobody gets to make the other one a hostage.
Tell him he shouldn't be biased. Because he has no proof and you have no need. If you had the money. Why wouldn't you have spent it already. And why would you steal if he would assume it was you anyway. I'm sure he just doesn't want to believe his little girls could steal from their daddy. Or his wife (I mean. Never know..). And not being w.e. have you gone to your mom? You think they will admit it or feel guilty if it got you kicked out?
Your relationship sounds like it was a mess before she got pregnant, you can either try and work through it together or figure out a way to coparent and not be together. Those are really the only logical options.
He’s been “sick” for 20 years and refuses to discuss it.
Whether his relationship for this woman is a delusion or it’s real … he KNOWS that he’s being disloyal to his wife, so the mental illness is irrelevant .
I had the opposite experience- the one time I went in high to work time felt like it was stretching out and it made my shift unbearably long. Never again. Weed is for fun times, I work sober so that it ends faster.
And we only have a cheaters word of what was “wrong” with her marriage. Cause cheaters are always soooo reliable with the reasons of why they cheat. I bet she told her lover that she was totally gonna leave her husband any day now.
That is a “hell no” from me. Especially, with the history you described combine with her motive for wanting this. Her motive has a childish not seeing the forest from the trees feel to it. Also, I would have too much of a nude time trying to convince myself that that is my sister. It can have whatever legal name, but in the end, biologically, I would be be the baby’s mother; which is exactly how it would show up as on a DNA test.
Depression and substance dependence are valid and real reasons to need medical support from a therapist.
Our brains play all kinds of tricks on us.
You can get through this, but it will take work. You’re not just going to magically get better over time. You need to put work into this. You need to actively do something to change the course your on.
The most straight forward is to go to therapy. You could also look into going to a group setting like a addiction anonymous group. You can start attending meetings even if your not sober right then. It can be a first step. It’s okay to start with “I want to quit”.
Go talk to a damn Dr. and get on some form of bc. You give absolutely no reason why you can't be on the pill. If not that then an iud, a diaphram, or female condom. Do whatever needs to be done so you are not reproducing for a very long time. Believe me that “sex without a condom feels better” sounds very stupid when you end up pregnant and raising a child.
I’d really like to see a picture of you. I can’t imagine that kind of reaction from ‘everyone’ you encounter. Do you need a shave or a haircut? What is offensive about your looks?
Ahhh the typical guy wants to fuck someone else so comes up with a way to make it (somehow) like not cheating then gets upset when his partner participates. What a nightmare. Should have never even entertained this.
I’m sorry, but you don’t have any right to see her son. It really sucks that you got attached to him, and now you’re not in his life. But she has decided that she doesn’t want to be in your life, and her son is her responsibility.
Here’s the thing, cheating is cheating. It doesn’t matter what they have or don’t have.
All she had to do was communicate and maybe something would have happened that was mutually agreeable (per your own words) between you both, but she took the route of telling you she was drunk and was enjoying it. So if she is in this situation again and hanging out with friends and guys, will it be the random guy next time because she is drunk?
Can you trust here again? Are you going to stay up all night questioning what she is doing now? What do you want to do?
That good morning sounds like he's pretending to be at your front door every day. Block him. Don't let him come over. If she asks tell her you already have a boyfriend and don't want two. If he asks tell him to get away from you. Maybe through his struggle to contact you she'll see his true colors.
We had been friends for over a year and in the talking stage for about a month. It also threw me off when she said it so soon, but it made me think she really did value me a lot.
I have had therapy for some of it but it's difficult because a lot of therapists/psych people don't want to touch my case because I have a couple diagnoses and they don't feel comfortable working with PTSD that comes from so many angles. I've been looking into DBT & CBT but I can't find a group that doesn't meet while I have work
How long did you guys go NC for? Because this post reads like you went NC for 2 seconds and immediately gave in after she texted you?
Yeah you're right there, I'll edit this to have much more context as I'm not trying to validation seek, thank you!
Do him a favor, break up, move out and get a job like a big girl.
Or his infidelity has hurt her badly and she’s struggling with sex as a result. There are many reasons she may be struggling.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
I'm a phd student who recently moved to the Netherlands. I managed to find an apartment for a few months, but it was only a temporary solution, and I've been looking for something more long-term.
I heard from a friend that someone from the same faculty (26F) is looking for a roommate, so last week I got in contact with her and yesterday I went to visit the place. Everything went great, she seemed really nice and smart, and the apartment is perfect for me!
Except… today I received this message from her:
It was a pleasure to meet you yesterday and I'm convinced we'd make great roommates. However, I must disclose something that I think is important for us to discuss before moving forward with this arrangement. I find you to be very attractive and I'm concerned that this may cause complications in our living situation.
I want to assure you that I have the utmost respect for you and I will do everything in my power to ensure that our living arrangement is comfortable and professional. However, I wanted to be transparent and let you know how I feel in case it is something that you are not comfortable with.
Please let me know your thoughts on this matter and whether you think it will be an issue. I value your opinion and am open to any concerns or suggestions you may have.
So yeah. I'm stuck. On the one hand, this seems like a disaster waiting to happen. On the other hand, what's the problem? It's never a bad thing that someone find you attractive, right? When I met her in person she didn't make me feel uncomfortable at all, and my gut tells me she wouldn't do anything crazy.
And yes, I do also find her attractive, but I naturally pushed all such thoughts aside. I wouldn't have thought about that further, let alone mention it so soon.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated because I need to respond to her at some point and I have no idea what to say.
It's both of you that have to make it a safe home. You make it a home for him and love him, he should do the same, make you feel secure and protected etc etc
Just to clarify – are you saying you have been broken up for 13 months? And you have had possession of the dog for 13 months? Has she made any attempt to retrieve the dog?
Why don’t you call and file an assault charge since you were assaulted ?
Are these activities she also enjoys?
Your father is being an asshole.
Why would you marry (or keep dating) someone that deliberately makes rude statements that make you insecure?
It’s a red flag. Not something you work past.
A healthy relationship doesn’t make you feel worse. Pick better before it’s too late.
You skipped over this vital part:
He kept trying to have sex with me so eventually I just said “fine, fuck me if you want”
He didn't just ask once and she laid down, he kept pressuring her until she gave up saying no. That's coercion.
I don't know, if it's been good so far I would say not to give up on him just because of his social media etiquette.
I mean maybe he is just excited because he likes you so far. Yes it's a little strong.
To me I say just keep your eyes open don't give up yet.
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Lemme look in my crystal ball. I see a foresee a train wreck in your future. The rails were covering in red flags but the driver just kept on going.
Write him a letter with all your thoughts and feelings. This way no one can twist your words or interrupt you (eg if his new gf might be present)
Either you’re okay with her dating other people or you’re not. Once you make up your mind, tell her and let the chips fall where they may.
Move in and don’t look back
I understand where you're coming from, but depending on his limitations, you can't just toss an autistic child into an unfamiliar environment with a ton of new behavioral expectations mostly geared toward neurotypical children and tell them to be independent. He will likely need more support and involvement than a neurotypical child, naked to say how much without knowing him.
There are autistic people who live lives basically indistinguishable from neurotypical folks, and autistic people who require lifelong care. We can't really make a blanket statement about his functioning without knowing the severity.
Seriously? Sacrificing a healthy relationship, with child, for an ultimatum is stupid.
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Yes, my girlfriend is a very attractive woman and he felt the same way too. He has made it very clear he wasn’t to sleep with her and that he finds her nude. I believe these comments were made after the walk
It was an edit. Those people probably commented before she provided all of that. This is a definite YIKES.
Then push for a fully open relationship. As in, open the door, walk out, and don't come back.
Just walk out and leave. He made his bed and if he loves her so much she can take care of him now
The four that he already has. It's unfortunate, but he has a right to say enough is enough, and so does she. Nobody gets to make the other one a hostage.
Tell him he shouldn't be biased. Because he has no proof and you have no need. If you had the money. Why wouldn't you have spent it already. And why would you steal if he would assume it was you anyway. I'm sure he just doesn't want to believe his little girls could steal from their daddy. Or his wife (I mean. Never know..). And not being w.e. have you gone to your mom? You think they will admit it or feel guilty if it got you kicked out?
He isn't interested/ready to upgrade any more than what you already have.
Bro 14 year olds can really login to reddit and just say whatever the fuck lmao
Any clue what she means by “intense schedules”?
In any event, she did you a favor. You don’t want to be with someone who will abandon you with no warning.
Your relationship sounds like it was a mess before she got pregnant, you can either try and work through it together or figure out a way to coparent and not be together. Those are really the only logical options.
Block him on everything. Do no contact. He's garbage but like a drug to you for some reason. The only way forward is out of sight out of mind.
Because he's said this so many times before, I think it's his depression talking.
And when I go along with it and say okay it's too late he gets irate that I don't argue with him.
so you thought about it even before you met him, yet here you’re trying to blame it on him.
the mental gymnastics are very impressive keep it up.
Nope
He’s been “sick” for 20 years and refuses to discuss it.
Whether his relationship for this woman is a delusion or it’s real … he KNOWS that he’s being disloyal to his wife, so the mental illness is irrelevant .
Is final fantasy 14 fun? I loved the old games and jrpgs in general. Fire emblem and monster warriors is my jam.
I dont have many gaming friends anymore either
This is ridiculous
I had the opposite experience- the one time I went in high to work time felt like it was stretching out and it made my shift unbearably long. Never again. Weed is for fun times, I work sober so that it ends faster.
And we only have a cheaters word of what was “wrong” with her marriage. Cause cheaters are always soooo reliable with the reasons of why they cheat. I bet she told her lover that she was totally gonna leave her husband any day now.
Uhhh try befriending her first.
I think she'd freak out if a random stranger gives her a bunch if portaits of her.
At least improve your relationship from stranger to friendly.
That is a “hell no” from me. Especially, with the history you described combine with her motive for wanting this. Her motive has a childish not seeing the forest from the trees feel to it. Also, I would have too much of a nude time trying to convince myself that that is my sister. It can have whatever legal name, but in the end, biologically, I would be be the baby’s mother; which is exactly how it would show up as on a DNA test.
Dude is also a straight up idiot posting those pictures on Facebook.
Are you in therapy?
Have you worked with a psychologist?
Depression and substance dependence are valid and real reasons to need medical support from a therapist.
Our brains play all kinds of tricks on us.
You can get through this, but it will take work. You’re not just going to magically get better over time. You need to put work into this. You need to actively do something to change the course your on.
The most straight forward is to go to therapy. You could also look into going to a group setting like a addiction anonymous group. You can start attending meetings even if your not sober right then. It can be a first step. It’s okay to start with “I want to quit”.
Which is why he’s asking for helpful ways to tell her the thought was appreciated, but the gift was unwanted.
Go talk to a damn Dr. and get on some form of bc. You give absolutely no reason why you can't be on the pill. If not that then an iud, a diaphram, or female condom. Do whatever needs to be done so you are not reproducing for a very long time. Believe me that “sex without a condom feels better” sounds very stupid when you end up pregnant and raising a child.
I’d really like to see a picture of you. I can’t imagine that kind of reaction from ‘everyone’ you encounter. Do you need a shave or a haircut? What is offensive about your looks?
Ahhh the typical guy wants to fuck someone else so comes up with a way to make it (somehow) like not cheating then gets upset when his partner participates. What a nightmare. Should have never even entertained this.
If I was him, I’d have assumed a new identity and moved to an uninhabited island.
I’m sorry, but you don’t have any right to see her son. It really sucks that you got attached to him, and now you’re not in his life. But she has decided that she doesn’t want to be in your life, and her son is her responsibility.
At 7 months you shouldn’t be struggling to make the relationship work. I think it’s run its course.
Maybe it’s regarding that?
Here’s the thing, cheating is cheating. It doesn’t matter what they have or don’t have.
All she had to do was communicate and maybe something would have happened that was mutually agreeable (per your own words) between you both, but she took the route of telling you she was drunk and was enjoying it. So if she is in this situation again and hanging out with friends and guys, will it be the random guy next time because she is drunk?
Can you trust here again? Are you going to stay up all night questioning what she is doing now? What do you want to do?
Yes.
That good morning sounds like he's pretending to be at your front door every day. Block him. Don't let him come over. If she asks tell her you already have a boyfriend and don't want two. If he asks tell him to get away from you. Maybe through his struggle to contact you she'll see his true colors.
We had been friends for over a year and in the talking stage for about a month. It also threw me off when she said it so soon, but it made me think she really did value me a lot.
I have had therapy for some of it but it's difficult because a lot of therapists/psych people don't want to touch my case because I have a couple diagnoses and they don't feel comfortable working with PTSD that comes from so many angles. I've been looking into DBT & CBT but I can't find a group that doesn't meet while I have work
i did, but i wanna know how other people think of it, if they've ever looked at someons and felt the same