So, this is a bit of a longer story. I messed up really bad the other night with my bf of a year. I totally admit to having absolutely messed up and I’m ashamed and embarrassed by what I was told. I wanna start by saying I’ve never been cheated on or cheated with someone, etc, and I didn’t cheat or do anything physical with anyone on this night. So, it was the end of finals, my bf, me, and some of our friends went to a club to celebrate. I had too many shots too close together and wound up blacking out, so I can’t recall anything after we entered the club. My bf stayed with me and he recounted what happened after he took me out of the club when I started swaying too much. He told me I said I wanted to make out with other guys because I like doing that when I’m drunk, and that I wanted to go home with my friends back in the club. He said I was mad and crying and started vomiting everywhere in the parking lot, and that he, rightfully, considered breaking up with me, but didn’t because he recognized I was plavacuum.
It sucks, but most people have had embarrassing nights like this. Actually my early 20s were full of this kind of behavior until I woke up in a bathtub of running water with enough pain in my lungs to let me know I had inhaled some.
I’ve never had an experience like that night. I’ve decided for myself to stay away from drinking because my bf matters more to me than getting a buzz on. I’ve also never, and I mean never, cheated on or kissed another guy while drunk or thought about it while in a relationship with someone else. My current bf i really, really am serious about, and so learning i said those things to him leaves me feeling ashamed and embarrassed and horrible for him because I can only imagine how traumatic that was. I don’t know where those comments came from truly. I love my bf a lot, and I want him to be around for a long time. The next morning I was really hungover. He helped take care of me despite what I’d said. I didn’t remember much aside from entering the club, so he caught me up to speed and I cried and apologized and asked if we broke up. He said no, and I was and am very grateful for that.
Honestly. This is where I wished the post would end, because unpacking the next bit is gonna suck for both of us.
Since then, he’s started calling me names. He says it’s punishment for my comments. He calls me derogatory names/swear words in a joking tone, refuses to use my name, has changed my name in his contacts to “dmb btch”, established no physicality, and he’s established a rule that I cant drink save for if I’m around him.
This is a man dealing with deep embarrassment, if left unchecked it will fester into resentment and kill the relationship (as you already suspect) what he is saying will do the same to you.
The thing is, I had a gf who did this to me once too. I was able to see that it was more or less this uninhibited vulnerability and need for validation that came from shame conflated with self worth. In otherwords: the thing that is normally filtered out is this underlying unmet desire to be desirable by all of the attractive people out there. Lots if people instinctively wish that being desired would be reciprocated. Because that shit feels good on a really base level. That “I wanna make out with other guys, because I like to do that when I am drunk.” Is a very poorly worded version of “I can't help that other people are attractive. I know that kissing attractive people feels good. I want other people to also consider me attractive. I am unable to filter these thoughts when I am drunk. I know being drunk isn't an excuse. But this is why I am talking. It's not what I do. But I do like kissing when I am drunk. It feels good. I want to feel good. Feeling like a stranger thinks I am hot won't ever stop feeling good, because I am a normal healthy human.”
Now, is this a threat to the relationship.
Well, while drunk you proved that you are unable to navigate your own Id in a way that your life will survive. So don't make it a habbit.
I understand the last two rules, but the name calling makes me feel further from him. He said initially it’d only be a week of that, but now he’s saying twohabit.
I get being butthurt about what you said. But this isn't a punishment. This is cruelty. When it comes to forgiveness, this asshat needs to put up or shut up.
To make things right, I’ve been treating him to coffees, flowers, and dinners, etc., and I’ve been planning a party for him for the past few weeks that I’m still working on.
Stop. Right now. Make a plan to spend the night at a friend's/parent's house.
The next time he says something terrible, you need to give him an ultimatum. Tell him that while you understand that he was embarrassed, and that he has every right to be embarrassed, this idea of planning to punish some one for a length of time is weird, manipulative and can't last. Tell him you need a night off from the punishment. If he continues to be a dick about it, this is your red flag. If he accepts your appology, forgives you, agrees not to bring it up in future fights and changes your contact name he is a good dude. If not, this is the kind of behavior you can expect (and now much more easily) from future embarrassing mistakes.
I’ve asked for the party if he could not call me those names, and he agreed. I know I messed up majorly the night we went out, those things I said no matter how untrue, I can’t erase, but I’m now just trying to figure out how to make things right. I don’t want our relationship to be further damaged, and I want to make things okay. What can I do to make things better or do I just have to wait for time to pass for things to get easier? Is there a way to come back from this?
He has already had enough time to accept your apology. You fucked up. You owned it. You apologized.
Side note: A man who has his insecurities revealed is just as confused as he is dangerous. He is lashing out and being controlling out of fear. Your behavior scared him into no longer being confident in your loyalty, your attraction to him ect. To some extent, this is his self esteem issues. You don't have any responsibility or agency to cure those. But if this does resolve, and you do continue, therapy is such a good idea.
We were together for 4 months and we didn’t talk for a month because I was trying to give her space and just leave it alone. But thank you for the response I really appreciate it!
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My French is not good so I could be way off but are you saying you want to share your wife with other men? Are you asking advice on how to convince your wife to open up the relationship? Orgies and the like.
And to consider none of their fucktable seem very educated on STI and stuff as such, considering he didn't know how it could be there. She didn't use protection, surely a “virgin mistake” kind of thing but if the friend GF has had experience before she should know.
I think your female friends called it correctly. She might have originally been expecting a few fun days with you, and possibly a hookup, then changed her mind at some point on day 1. It also sounds like she was trying to drop hints that she did not want much to do with you on day 1, and you did not pick up on them, or reached the wrong conclusion. By day 3, she was tired of dropping hints, and says you creeped her out the whole time.
Without her perspective, I can only go by what you have written. It is indeed something you could have easily talked over, and she should have been honest and clear on day 1, rather than dropping hints. By day 2, it should have been obvious to her that you were not picking up her hints, and that should have prompted her to be honest and clear then. It is obvious that she was trying to ditch you, and hoped you would pick up the hints and ditch yourself.
The only things I think you are guilty of are trying too hot, going too far by messaging her friends, and missing some quite obvious hints. You are definitely not a terrible person, and it seems like you tried to handle the situation with communication. As an outsider looking in, she wanted nothing more to do with you before day 1 was over. Given the shared hotel room (her idea), she should have been clear about that, when she came to the hotel that night. The hints were shitty behavior on her part.
If you learn nothing else from this, never share a hotel room with someone you are meeting for the first time.
Seems like a happy update, I'm glad to hear it. Best of luck. And know that's its ok if you need to try a few counsellors before you find one that clicks
The thing the person above missed is, they could also be doing it for the OPs good. She has just confronted him about a meme he posted and how it upset them.
Defriending won't stop them from seeing stuff you write on most platforms.
The first thing i thought, upon reading your story, was that she wanted to sleep with someone she met at that training. And to not feel bad about cheating, she simply broke up with you. Now she had sex with that guy and either regrets it or he isn't all that she hoped for.
Personally i wouldn't get back with her. Even if she did not do anything, she broke up with you to “test” something, and accepted that she would probably really hurt you.
Whenever I see these posts, I will always say PLAY STUPID GAMES!
Opening the gates to an open marriage or relationship will always ALWAYS lead to broken hearts. Why do people still do this thinking that it's saving their relationships is beyond me.
Agreed. This is where I’m at right now. After sooo long I feel I should give it a little bit longer and make a decisive decision soon. She is “supposed” to start one on one counseling for herself that I recommend to her. I will see if she goes through with it and how it goes and hopefully that will help my decision.
It’s only once in a while, bf needs to grow up lol
Man take my advice please, spend the next 3 years and get in the best shape ever and go become rich, and never go back you’re only 32
So, this is a bit of a longer story. I messed up really bad the other night with my bf of a year. I totally admit to having absolutely messed up and I’m ashamed and embarrassed by what I was told. I wanna start by saying I’ve never been cheated on or cheated with someone, etc, and I didn’t cheat or do anything physical with anyone on this night. So, it was the end of finals, my bf, me, and some of our friends went to a club to celebrate. I had too many shots too close together and wound up blacking out, so I can’t recall anything after we entered the club. My bf stayed with me and he recounted what happened after he took me out of the club when I started swaying too much. He told me I said I wanted to make out with other guys because I like doing that when I’m drunk, and that I wanted to go home with my friends back in the club. He said I was mad and crying and started vomiting everywhere in the parking lot, and that he, rightfully, considered breaking up with me, but didn’t because he recognized I was plavacuum.
It sucks, but most people have had embarrassing nights like this. Actually my early 20s were full of this kind of behavior until I woke up in a bathtub of running water with enough pain in my lungs to let me know I had inhaled some.
I’ve never had an experience like that night. I’ve decided for myself to stay away from drinking because my bf matters more to me than getting a buzz on. I’ve also never, and I mean never, cheated on or kissed another guy while drunk or thought about it while in a relationship with someone else. My current bf i really, really am serious about, and so learning i said those things to him leaves me feeling ashamed and embarrassed and horrible for him because I can only imagine how traumatic that was. I don’t know where those comments came from truly. I love my bf a lot, and I want him to be around for a long time. The next morning I was really hungover. He helped take care of me despite what I’d said. I didn’t remember much aside from entering the club, so he caught me up to speed and I cried and apologized and asked if we broke up. He said no, and I was and am very grateful for that.
Honestly. This is where I wished the post would end, because unpacking the next bit is gonna suck for both of us.
Since then, he’s started calling me names. He says it’s punishment for my comments. He calls me derogatory names/swear words in a joking tone, refuses to use my name, has changed my name in his contacts to “dmb btch”, established no physicality, and he’s established a rule that I cant drink save for if I’m around him.
This is a man dealing with deep embarrassment, if left unchecked it will fester into resentment and kill the relationship (as you already suspect) what he is saying will do the same to you.
The thing is, I had a gf who did this to me once too. I was able to see that it was more or less this uninhibited vulnerability and need for validation that came from shame conflated with self worth. In otherwords: the thing that is normally filtered out is this underlying unmet desire to be desirable by all of the attractive people out there. Lots if people instinctively wish that being desired would be reciprocated. Because that shit feels good on a really base level. That “I wanna make out with other guys, because I like to do that when I am drunk.” Is a very poorly worded version of “I can't help that other people are attractive. I know that kissing attractive people feels good. I want other people to also consider me attractive. I am unable to filter these thoughts when I am drunk. I know being drunk isn't an excuse. But this is why I am talking. It's not what I do. But I do like kissing when I am drunk. It feels good. I want to feel good. Feeling like a stranger thinks I am hot won't ever stop feeling good, because I am a normal healthy human.”
Now, is this a threat to the relationship.
Well, while drunk you proved that you are unable to navigate your own Id in a way that your life will survive. So don't make it a habbit.
I understand the last two rules, but the name calling makes me feel further from him. He said initially it’d only be a week of that, but now he’s saying twohabit.
I get being butthurt about what you said. But this isn't a punishment. This is cruelty. When it comes to forgiveness, this asshat needs to put up or shut up.
To make things right, I’ve been treating him to coffees, flowers, and dinners, etc., and I’ve been planning a party for him for the past few weeks that I’m still working on.
Stop. Right now. Make a plan to spend the night at a friend's/parent's house.
The next time he says something terrible, you need to give him an ultimatum. Tell him that while you understand that he was embarrassed, and that he has every right to be embarrassed, this idea of planning to punish some one for a length of time is weird, manipulative and can't last. Tell him you need a night off from the punishment. If he continues to be a dick about it, this is your red flag. If he accepts your appology, forgives you, agrees not to bring it up in future fights and changes your contact name he is a good dude. If not, this is the kind of behavior you can expect (and now much more easily) from future embarrassing mistakes.
I’ve asked for the party if he could not call me those names, and he agreed. I know I messed up majorly the night we went out, those things I said no matter how untrue, I can’t erase, but I’m now just trying to figure out how to make things right. I don’t want our relationship to be further damaged, and I want to make things okay. What can I do to make things better or do I just have to wait for time to pass for things to get easier? Is there a way to come back from this?
He has already had enough time to accept your apology. You fucked up. You owned it. You apologized.
Side note: A man who has his insecurities revealed is just as confused as he is dangerous. He is lashing out and being controlling out of fear. Your behavior scared him into no longer being confident in your loyalty, your attraction to him ect. To some extent, this is his self esteem issues. You don't have any responsibility or agency to cure those. But if this does resolve, and you do continue, therapy is such a good idea.
Well, she's actually cheating instead of discussing her issues with her husband.
We were together for 4 months and we didn’t talk for a month because I was trying to give her space and just leave it alone. But thank you for the response I really appreciate it!
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I wondered about the projecting too…
For sure!
My French is not good so I could be way off but are you saying you want to share your wife with other men? Are you asking advice on how to convince your wife to open up the relationship? Orgies and the like.
Has she made her doctors aware of her issues? If so, do they offer advice & does she follow it? Maybe special dietary guidelines as well as exercise?
You have a point. It's been eating at me every single day past the cheating situation. I've figured as much. Thanks for the reply!
And to consider none of their fucktable seem very educated on STI and stuff as such, considering he didn't know how it could be there. She didn't use protection, surely a “virgin mistake” kind of thing but if the friend GF has had experience before she should know.
Do they go on annual camping trips out in Wyoming?
I think your female friends called it correctly. She might have originally been expecting a few fun days with you, and possibly a hookup, then changed her mind at some point on day 1. It also sounds like she was trying to drop hints that she did not want much to do with you on day 1, and you did not pick up on them, or reached the wrong conclusion. By day 3, she was tired of dropping hints, and says you creeped her out the whole time.
Without her perspective, I can only go by what you have written. It is indeed something you could have easily talked over, and she should have been honest and clear on day 1, rather than dropping hints. By day 2, it should have been obvious to her that you were not picking up her hints, and that should have prompted her to be honest and clear then. It is obvious that she was trying to ditch you, and hoped you would pick up the hints and ditch yourself.
The only things I think you are guilty of are trying too hot, going too far by messaging her friends, and missing some quite obvious hints. You are definitely not a terrible person, and it seems like you tried to handle the situation with communication. As an outsider looking in, she wanted nothing more to do with you before day 1 was over. Given the shared hotel room (her idea), she should have been clear about that, when she came to the hotel that night. The hints were shitty behavior on her part.
If you learn nothing else from this, never share a hotel room with someone you are meeting for the first time.
Seems like a happy update, I'm glad to hear it. Best of luck. And know that's its ok if you need to try a few counsellors before you find one that clicks
Sami should leave Tom asap. Divorce and be done with his cheating.
Mark is very insecure and slightly mental. I bet there are more issues with Mark as well
The thing the person above missed is, they could also be doing it for the OPs good. She has just confronted him about a meme he posted and how it upset them.
Defriending won't stop them from seeing stuff you write on most platforms.
The first thing i thought, upon reading your story, was that she wanted to sleep with someone she met at that training. And to not feel bad about cheating, she simply broke up with you. Now she had sex with that guy and either regrets it or he isn't all that she hoped for.
Personally i wouldn't get back with her. Even if she did not do anything, she broke up with you to “test” something, and accepted that she would probably really hurt you.
Yes, OP just don't slap a random man for her “Entanglement'
Do you really want to stay in a relationship you have to “clutch at straws” to justify?
The next step here is divorce. LESSON LEARNED.
Whenever I see these posts, I will always say PLAY STUPID GAMES!
Opening the gates to an open marriage or relationship will always ALWAYS lead to broken hearts. Why do people still do this thinking that it's saving their relationships is beyond me.
These porn posts are annoying, y’all need to get over whatever insecurities y’all have regarding porn
If he just wanted to be friends with her & she doesnt seem to have interest in him, than id say its a non issue.
Then divorce him before the adoption goes through.
Agreed. This is where I’m at right now. After sooo long I feel I should give it a little bit longer and make a decisive decision soon. She is “supposed” to start one on one counseling for herself that I recommend to her. I will see if she goes through with it and how it goes and hopefully that will help my decision.
It seems OP has been trained not to speak up for herself but I give her credit for defending her daughter.
Tell grandma to back off.