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Date: October 11, 2022
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You leave. Why would you want to deal with someone like that?
We have built a life together that I do not want to let go of if this can be solved somehow. I am very close with her family and lean on them. I hate feeling so much guilt for asking for basic needs in this relationship. My resentment has come out as passive aggressive resistance, and her latest responses to that have been very negative. I am currently giving her space since she asked for it. I told her I would get therapy since I have been mean and cold, which I have done. I now speak with someone once a week.
Leave it alone, and move on with your life.
Which is odd because OP talks about her as if she's a child.
He only pays 300 a month for living expenses. That’s 3600 a year. So he gets to spend the rest, 16400, on whatever he wants, like a vehicle, hobbies, etc. If he can’t budget 5/6ths of his income to buy his gf who finances his whole life he needs a reality check, or to be dumped. What is he bringing to the table here?
He literally bought it and returned it when they had an argument. That’s petty.
That depends on what's considered human rights. Not everyone is in agreement.
Yeah- I guess- but the things added to me didn’t seem needed- I already had planned activities and stuff- it went from a 7 night trip to 13 nights… which I said is ok but we would have to stay somewhere cheaper, but my cheaper and her cheaper are not the same ? spas trips and renting atvs ect… I kinda wish I just didn’t let her be apart of the planning and just do it as a surprise ??♂️
Thanks for the response tho- I do try hide my discomfort but it makes sense to pick up on things- we both read each other a bit too well
My oldest sister is Muslim, her boyfriend and father of her child is a white atheist. Yes, our parents didn't like it at first. But they eventually accepted it.
The thing is, my sister is more open minded to people of other religions or beliefs. She personally has no problem with her BF's belief. Nor has she ever told her BF if wouldn't work out and get parents would be against it etc… Yes, she knew it'd cause issues. But she loves him so she did it anyway.
Your BF however is already telling you it won't work out. That gives me the impression he himself believes that too. And if you'd have a future, he'd pressure you to convert pribvmh. Converting for, “love” is pure bullshit. It doesn't make you Muslim. It's faking shit to stay with him. But he has to grow the balls to present you to his parents just the way you are. Not based on lies. Because you'll be lying to his family for the rest of your life. You'd have to never eat pork or drink alcohol anywhere near his family. Maybe even wear a hijab.
As a former Muslim, please don't start making a fake life to appease the damn parents of your partner. If your BF cannot stand up for you, he's a useless partner to begin with.
Just lettin ya know why people are mad at you?
You might not notice now but by being so close to someone so unhealthy you are hurting yourself. Mental trauma is insidious.
Do you feel like walking on eggshells around her? Ditching friends to be with her?
Please focus on your physical and mental health. You can't save anyone by hurting yourself.
If you’ve been unhappy for three years, why would you stay and be unhappy for four, five, six years or more? And you know what a dog provides? A dog know when you are depressed and crying and comforts you. A dog doesn’t judge you, is never cold or distant and is always happy to see you. And you can even travel with a dog if you want to, but they are more than happy to sit outside with you while you tend the garden. And since BF also doesn’t want to get married, dump him and get a dog, a hamster, some chickens for your backyard and be happy. The right man will show up and share everything in your life and not control you like this guy.
Change the locks on your home. Install a ring doorbell at least.
Ohhh yes agree with this. It starts to feel less about intimacy and more about him wanting to get off when literally every affection turns sexual. Then you start avoiding any affection even if you crave it.
It’s as simple as he doesn’t respect you.
Depends..generally men can impregnate women until in their 80's.
I guess I don't feel like I have amazing advice but I was definitely in your shoes. But the more you can communicate to him what's going on, the better. If on one of your good days you can tell him you struggle with this, then start trying to catch yourself acting on it. And try to be the first to apologize when you've done something to push him away. Just try and catch yourself doing it as much as possible and force yourself into the uncomfortable position of apologizing for it.
A good partner will be understanding of the trauma you've been through. So they should be able to take it when you push them away. It still can hurt though even when they know it isn't their fault, which is why it's important to keep communicating and apologizing.
Seriously, there is no such thing as over communication. It helps SO much.
Where I on-line they're in the section literally called teen. Or sometimes young adult.
I agree that they're awful books!
First it’ s not a good idea to be in situations where there’s strippers/toppless waitresses involved. Things happens and more so when alcohol is involved. was she really grabbing his hands or he’s the one who touched her because after all she was ~naked on his lap. He probably didn’t tell you everything that happened there and you’ll be wondering and doubting him.
When a pot has handles that get hard, use pot holders or a dish towel so you don’t burn your hands.
Every single person in this thread is telling you men should cry. Where are you getting the idea that finding someone who thinks emotions are normal will “take many years”. That's blatantly false because you don't want to face the fact that you could absolutely find someone better.
“He wants to be broken up? Act like you're broken up” This got me thinking so much, thank you! It hit the nail on the head. He wants to be broken up, so I will act like this. Your right, I think ive been too soft with him and he made me feel guilty for standing up for myself, like having days out I kept saying yes thinking if I dont Im the bad guy.
Yep, the idea that people just glossed over point 3 is wildly ridiculous to me.
That's not normal and not to be ignored.
Webster could replace its definition of hypocrisy with your post.
Thanks for your reply. He’s never tried to isolate me, but has gotten jealous a couple times when I’ve had work games nights and been laughing with colleagues (I work from home). Tbf I’m a homebody anyway so it’s never something he would have to do. His mother was really abusive and narcissistic to him and his father basically sat back and did nothing, so he has a hard time trusting and at times I thought it could be a self sabotage thing – like I’m going to push you away and test you etc. I think that need to control and perfectionism comes from this. This all could, and I think does, have an underlying abandonment fear. This is all why I thought it could be trauma related, but I could also be projecting tbf.
I guess to answer your question I think there’s a few factors at play in why I feel that way, not in any particular order:
General experience. I like trying new foods, traveling, and the same applies for relationships
Relative experience. I feel like most of the people around me have had more casual experience than I have for my age
Boredom and lack of freedom: I love the stability, comfort, support of being in a relationship, but I miss the thrill and excitement of single life
Settling down fears: Am I ready for kids, am I ready to be with one person for the rest of my life. I don’t have the answers to those questions
Is she the right person for me? She’s great but is she great enough for me to call it quits for life? Maybe deep down I’m not 100% sure about her
Exactly ?
Ya so these are called tributes / cum tributes and uh…ya. I’ll let you google that.
He is being controlling. In a healthy relationship, he’d say something like, “Wow, I’ll really miss you, but that sounds like a great opportunity for you! Will you try to call me or text every day while you’re gone?” Do yourself a favor and get out; controlling guys almost always get worse over time, rarely do they get better.
Words aren't reliable. Do you think if he wasn't over, he would tell you that, knowing he would be forced to choose between you?
If you want to stay with him, you can't leave it at that. Now, naturally, asking him to cut her off would be a huge red flag from you to him.
With that said, you should tell him you feel insecure about. Tell him, that you can try to work on it, but he should know this topic won't just die, so he should think whether he is comfortable dealing with your insecurity [Yes, this is an insecurity, nothing to be ashamed of, since in this scenario most people would feel insecure].
Make sure that there are some, probably petty things you would like to talk with him about, not to accuse him of anything, but to get out your concerns, as you can't just keep them inside.
You can mention your points from the post, except number 4, because it is meaningless, and would just make you look silly. Number 3 should mention only as something you keep noticing. Tell him you don't want him to completely avoid touching her or anything, but it is a constant thing, and she is still his ex, so hopefully he can see why it makes you anxious.
Number 1 and 2 are most important, as they are the kind of things people in relationship do, not do with their friends, instead of their partners. It's not that you want a matching bracelet with him, but this is still a reminder of their relationship that he seems to enjoy wearing. As for the keychain, do emphasize it makes you feel less important, he ignored your keychain, but cherished her, and decided to put in on the bag. Insist this isn't about him also putting your keychain now to satisfy you, it is about the choice he has made by himself, and what it means.
In all honesty, I would be petty, and bring up, that while normally you wouldn't mind both of them being on the bag considering he ignored your keychain first, you would like him to take off her keychain. You need be calm, and clear that this is just a trinket, but this shows, how much he values gifts from her compared to yours.
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Now, leaving him is also an option, it is an only option, if he refuses to accommodate your insecurities.
I agree! OP needs to tell him that she's overwhelmed and needs his help and some personal space i.e stop inviting them around when he is at work, no is a complete answer. I know what it's like having a 5 month old, you sound shouldn't have to cater for anyone else, when you have to look after a baby day and night. OP's husband is being very selfish!