The right thing to do is tell him that you're not ok with being the butt of the joke anymore. But you have to be extremely stern about it. If he continues on, I'd bring it up to your boss.
If someone continued to do that to me after I expressly told them I didn't like it, it would get physical. We have a saying here: talk shit, get hit.
When you love someone, you never get over them. I lost my father in 1998, and I still think of him. I get teary eyed if I hear the song “The living years”, you just learn to cope.
OP, you need help, please get it. Wouldn’t break up with Claire, if she sticks around that’ll let you know she’s worth keeping.
We had this convo and she still finds excuses i dont think she sees where the problem is and why it hurts me even tho one time when i bailed on her ( it was reasonable) she was very mean to me and felt jurt so she has an idea of what it feels like
Scar tissue can also tear more easily than regular skin. I'm a woman, but I have an autoimmune disorder than affects the skin on my genitals. It's not really active today but I have scar tissue that can tear very easily during sex if we don't use enough lube or my skin was extra dry that day. My mum even bought me a dildo when I was a young teen, which we both thought was hilarious, because my dermatologist recommended regularly stretching it to prevent having to have surgery to snip the scar tissue away later (shudder). Definitely recommend avoiding scar tissue build up!
My ex would rip farts next to me that literally made my eyes water and drove me from the room. If you did that Y W B T A. Do they bother her that much? Maybe see a doctor then.
Why on earth would it be more humiliating to borrow money temporarily from people who love you to get away from someone who has consistently treated you like garbage since the start of your marriage than . . . to stay with him?
He is already humiliating you regularly.
He is literally picking apart your mental health and the intimate details of your private life with women you don't even know, and talking shit about you to them.
He is lying to your face ALL THE TIME, and he does not care that you know that he's lying at this point.
In fact, it pretty much seems like he gets off on humiliating you . . . talking about you behind your back, getting intimately involved with other women (even if there's no actual sex), and making you look like the clueless wife all over town.
Sweetheart, borrowing money from the parents who care about you, so you can put this man in your rearview mirror and END the ongoing humiliation, would be the LEAST embarrassing thing you could do at this point.
He wants to feel desired, and not just like you’re doing it to appease him. He wants you to want it too.
I understand where you’re coming from, I’m on hormonal birth control that majorly suppresses my libido (the irony, amirite?) so I could take sex or leave it, I almost never get horny. But I always enjoy it when we do.
So, can you make a pact with yourself that once or twice a week (or month, or whatever!) you will initiate even if you’re not feeling horny? If you know it’s going to be a good time once you get going, I don’t see the harm in this.
I think this will help so much more than telling him. Put the chart on the fridge…every time he goes to get food he will have to look at it lol good luck
Thank you. I stood my ground tonight and he’s went to bed after making a big deal that I wasn’t going with him. The same old “you’ve been weird since I went to work. Did anything happen while I was gone?” ugh. my heart breaks. You give me hope though. ?
You're not being a good mother. He needs those hormones, and you have no right to insist he doesn't take them.
If you keep on this path, you WILL lose your child. He's gonna be a happy and successful man elsewhere, and you won't get to be part of that.
Apologize, explain to his grandparents that the hormones are necessary and you will not change him in any way he doesn't want you to, or be prepared to lose your kid.
Maybe, but whether or not that's the case, you know he did this, pulled away, lied about it for a long time and expects you to rug sweep it. What are you gonna do?
I don't think he thinks you're going to die– I think he loves the way you look now and is bummed you are going to look different. Which you will.
At best, he's just mourning the loss of the look of the woman he fell in love with– at worst, he might be worried he's not going to find you as beautiful afterward (a natural fear, I think, heading into the unknown.)
If that were true then there wouldn’t be dozens of different interpretations and sects of Islam. Simple fact is that no religion is infallible, and no religion has one single interpretation.
She said “she didn’t mean what she said”. You should’ve pressed her “what exactly did you mean then?” But it doesn’t matter, because someone who loves you would never disparage you like this. She doesn’t love you. She only likes your previous paycheck.
And if she puts her hope of having a kid and whatever goal solely on you, but does nothing to support that goal, that’s on her. Don’t believe her BS to make you feel that you failed her. She’s a full grown adult but doesn’t take any accountability. and she extremely shortsighted and reckless to ruin your credit scores like this. How do you expect her to be responsible as a mother?
You’re probably in a psychologically abusive relationship.
Please consult a lawyer to find the best timing to leave her ass. And don’t get her pregnant.
Seems like you'll jump at any excuse or opportunity to pursue your honey. Do your wife a big favor and dump her now. Your disrespect for her is nauseating.
You're not the great, loving, loyal guy you want to be in your head. I agree with your friend that you've already ruined your marriage, best just to finish it off.
LOL it makes sense now. You're defending your craft. I understand. But, let me tell you that nothing has helped me more than self help books and mindfulness. Therapy is for people who need others to hold their hand. I have improved at a very fast rate since I started self help workbooks and practicing DBT. All on my own. Lol you must really toot your own horn thinking you're the only way people resolve their traumas.
What relationship? You were reluctant to enter a proper relationship with her! And now that you've thrown your toy out of the pram and someone else is playing with it, you want it back?
How many times has this happened? What were you crying about that he heard you from another room? I do have a very hot time understanding this because I cry alone more than I’ve ever cried with others.
Omg. I specifically said not pounding it. Dunno what else to say. I am not in their bedroom to see the OPs technique. I’m throwing out ideas with what little info he gave.
You’re not being overly analytical, and your boyfriend needs to back her down, not just for your relationship but to keep things professional in the workplace. She’s basically sent your bf a message that she wants to have a relationship with him or fuck him, and on top of everything else she’s doing (she’s not pushing the envelope; she’s ripped it to pieces), that’s enough to make an HR professional reach for the Xanax. Your boyfriend must know that this is not appropriate behavior; if he doesn’t, that would worry me.
Well I would collect your thoughts, whatever you’re really feeling, jealousy, irritation, whatever it is, figure it out and let her know how you’re feeling and listen to what she says. Ask her why this is important it may just be a habit, it’s much better to just talk about this stuff then to wait until it festers.
Just reread my post. You're right that's how I worded it, so i understand your response. I think at the time, I thought he drank more than he should but didn't see it as a problem as he was functioning fine, and it wasn't at the levels that I later witnessed.
Exactly. He will never, ever change- because it fucking works for him. He can stay Peter Pan and never have mature relationships. Whereas, getting jerked tf around is so not it and you are better than this dude. So remove him as an option and start looking for that feeling with a guy willing to make progress. But, maybe go a little slower next time.
Not giving you compliments doesn’t mean he thinks you look bad. Maybe he finds you asking for them/hinting to be annoying, and is trying not to encourage needy behaviour. Maybe words of validation are just not his thing.
If compliments are that important to you, say so or date someone else.
I have turned down many other guys waiting for my ex and it’s starting to affect my mental health. Neither do I want to spend any more time waiting to be in a relationship with him again. I have started to talk to another guy, who I told my ex about and he got mad at me. He said I bring negativity into his life and I should consider myself lucky to have him in my life
That is the nail the coffin right there.
And look, what I would like to tell people caught up in this situations… STOP listening to what the other person is willing to offer you.
Instead, start focusing on yourself and what you want.
If you want a real relationship… from the sounds of it, you won't be finding it here with your ex.
All that is going on is that he will keep you close enough to make you feel engaged, but far enough so you don't have the relationship… Its a dead end.
Additionally… this comment:
He said I bring negativity into his life and I should consider myself lucky to have him in my life
Is toxic.
To me, it shows how unhealthy things are with you and your ex. Stop clinging onto empty promises.
If your ex was serious about you, he would step up and demonstrate that here and now. Even if that includes “Hey, I have a lot of shit going on, but here are the steps I am taking to overcome it”… Something that makes you stop guessing about the outcome.
And for the future… On and offs… rarely work out.
I think its time to accept things for what it is.. and move on completely.
She's just lashing out because she's hurt. Ignore her comments. I would find it cute if my boyfriend figgited with my buttons.
Talk to her about and ask her to teach you to be the best lover you can be.
You married someone who refuses to use your name? And then you come to the internet to ask what to do AFTER you already married this person?
The right thing to do is tell him that you're not ok with being the butt of the joke anymore. But you have to be extremely stern about it. If he continues on, I'd bring it up to your boss.
If someone continued to do that to me after I expressly told them I didn't like it, it would get physical. We have a saying here: talk shit, get hit.
When you love someone, you never get over them. I lost my father in 1998, and I still think of him. I get teary eyed if I hear the song “The living years”, you just learn to cope.
OP, you need help, please get it. Wouldn’t break up with Claire, if she sticks around that’ll let you know she’s worth keeping.
We had this convo and she still finds excuses i dont think she sees where the problem is and why it hurts me even tho one time when i bailed on her ( it was reasonable) she was very mean to me and felt jurt so she has an idea of what it feels like
He sounds great to me lol idk what your sisters on about.
Scar tissue can also tear more easily than regular skin. I'm a woman, but I have an autoimmune disorder than affects the skin on my genitals. It's not really active today but I have scar tissue that can tear very easily during sex if we don't use enough lube or my skin was extra dry that day. My mum even bought me a dildo when I was a young teen, which we both thought was hilarious, because my dermatologist recommended regularly stretching it to prevent having to have surgery to snip the scar tissue away later (shudder). Definitely recommend avoiding scar tissue build up!
My ex would rip farts next to me that literally made my eyes water and drove me from the room. If you did that Y W B T A. Do they bother her that much? Maybe see a doctor then.
I'm not even going to read past Number 1.
Seriously, have you no standards?!
That’s basically like saying “I dare you to retaliate, because I know you’d never do so.”
Why on earth would it be more humiliating to borrow money temporarily from people who love you to get away from someone who has consistently treated you like garbage since the start of your marriage than . . . to stay with him?
He is already humiliating you regularly.
He is literally picking apart your mental health and the intimate details of your private life with women you don't even know, and talking shit about you to them.
He is lying to your face ALL THE TIME, and he does not care that you know that he's lying at this point.
In fact, it pretty much seems like he gets off on humiliating you . . . talking about you behind your back, getting intimately involved with other women (even if there's no actual sex), and making you look like the clueless wife all over town.
Sweetheart, borrowing money from the parents who care about you, so you can put this man in your rearview mirror and END the ongoing humiliation, would be the LEAST embarrassing thing you could do at this point.
He wants to feel desired, and not just like you’re doing it to appease him. He wants you to want it too.
I understand where you’re coming from, I’m on hormonal birth control that majorly suppresses my libido (the irony, amirite?) so I could take sex or leave it, I almost never get horny. But I always enjoy it when we do.
So, can you make a pact with yourself that once or twice a week (or month, or whatever!) you will initiate even if you’re not feeling horny? If you know it’s going to be a good time once you get going, I don’t see the harm in this.
I should mention before removing myself from social media I did search extensively for her. She’s not on there and now, neither am I.
Whaaat? someone who graduated highschool 3yrs ago and someone who’s nearly 30 have different maturity gaps? no, no. surely can’t be.
so like dump him? this is not a difficult equation
That first paragraph speaks volumes and really helped me understand it better thank you so much
I think it’s very hot to be in a relationship when there is no grace for error. I don’t think this is an offense but for some reason your ex does
I think this will help so much more than telling him. Put the chart on the fridge…every time he goes to get food he will have to look at it lol good luck
Thank you. I stood my ground tonight and he’s went to bed after making a big deal that I wasn’t going with him. The same old “you’ve been weird since I went to work. Did anything happen while I was gone?” ugh. my heart breaks. You give me hope though. ?
You're not being a good mother. He needs those hormones, and you have no right to insist he doesn't take them.
If you keep on this path, you WILL lose your child. He's gonna be a happy and successful man elsewhere, and you won't get to be part of that.
Apologize, explain to his grandparents that the hormones are necessary and you will not change him in any way he doesn't want you to, or be prepared to lose your kid.
I wanna know what gives anybody the right to feel “blindsided” by someone's sexuality if they're not romantically involved with them?
Why would anybody have a certain set of expectations for their daughter/sister's sex life?
Write him out of your life, he a bully who will abuse you.
Maybe, but whether or not that's the case, you know he did this, pulled away, lied about it for a long time and expects you to rug sweep it. What are you gonna do?
I don't think he thinks you're going to die– I think he loves the way you look now and is bummed you are going to look different. Which you will.
At best, he's just mourning the loss of the look of the woman he fell in love with– at worst, he might be worried he's not going to find you as beautiful afterward (a natural fear, I think, heading into the unknown.)
If that were true then there wouldn’t be dozens of different interpretations and sects of Islam. Simple fact is that no religion is infallible, and no religion has one single interpretation.
She said “she didn’t mean what she said”. You should’ve pressed her “what exactly did you mean then?” But it doesn’t matter, because someone who loves you would never disparage you like this. She doesn’t love you. She only likes your previous paycheck.
And if she puts her hope of having a kid and whatever goal solely on you, but does nothing to support that goal, that’s on her. Don’t believe her BS to make you feel that you failed her. She’s a full grown adult but doesn’t take any accountability. and she extremely shortsighted and reckless to ruin your credit scores like this. How do you expect her to be responsible as a mother?
You’re probably in a psychologically abusive relationship.
Please consult a lawyer to find the best timing to leave her ass. And don’t get her pregnant.
Well he is in DC this week since my niece is in Florida with her mom. So guess who he’s staying with! Lol thank you so much for the kind comment!
Seems like you'll jump at any excuse or opportunity to pursue your honey. Do your wife a big favor and dump her now. Your disrespect for her is nauseating.
You're not the great, loving, loyal guy you want to be in your head. I agree with your friend that you've already ruined your marriage, best just to finish it off.
LOL it makes sense now. You're defending your craft. I understand. But, let me tell you that nothing has helped me more than self help books and mindfulness. Therapy is for people who need others to hold their hand. I have improved at a very fast rate since I started self help workbooks and practicing DBT. All on my own. Lol you must really toot your own horn thinking you're the only way people resolve their traumas.
Basically but thank you! I’m going to talk to him and see if it’s something he’s willing to work on
Even if you are completely covered you will still be harassed. Wtf is wrong with the outfit?
What can I do now to save this relationship?
What relationship? You were reluctant to enter a proper relationship with her! And now that you've thrown your toy out of the pram and someone else is playing with it, you want it back?
You're 29. Grow the fuck up.
How many times has this happened? What were you crying about that he heard you from another room? I do have a very hot time understanding this because I cry alone more than I’ve ever cried with others.
Why do you need encouragement? Woman up and kick his sorry ass out the door!
Yeah well they could also turn into raging alcoholics if they drink socially but you aren't accusing them of that.
Omg. I specifically said not pounding it. Dunno what else to say. I am not in their bedroom to see the OPs technique. I’m throwing out ideas with what little info he gave.
You’re not being overly analytical, and your boyfriend needs to back her down, not just for your relationship but to keep things professional in the workplace. She’s basically sent your bf a message that she wants to have a relationship with him or fuck him, and on top of everything else she’s doing (she’s not pushing the envelope; she’s ripped it to pieces), that’s enough to make an HR professional reach for the Xanax. Your boyfriend must know that this is not appropriate behavior; if he doesn’t, that would worry me.
Definitely a hit it and quit it, especially with a friendship that short. Time to move on! He answered for you what he wanted.
Any update how it went OP?
Well I would collect your thoughts, whatever you’re really feeling, jealousy, irritation, whatever it is, figure it out and let her know how you’re feeling and listen to what she says. Ask her why this is important it may just be a habit, it’s much better to just talk about this stuff then to wait until it festers.
You've never met her, sorry but she's not your partner.
Meet someone in real life.
you need some standards when you look for an partner
try “not a complete asshole” as your first one
You can get jizzed on as much as you want, Don't have a baby at a bad moment.
Anyways, intelligence isn't spotted. Logic doesn't matter
Just reread my post. You're right that's how I worded it, so i understand your response. I think at the time, I thought he drank more than he should but didn't see it as a problem as he was functioning fine, and it wasn't at the levels that I later witnessed.
Exactly. He will never, ever change- because it fucking works for him. He can stay Peter Pan and never have mature relationships. Whereas, getting jerked tf around is so not it and you are better than this dude. So remove him as an option and start looking for that feeling with a guy willing to make progress. But, maybe go a little slower next time.
If she is getting ready to breakup with you, why lower your value even more by sending her a text like that?
Not giving you compliments doesn’t mean he thinks you look bad. Maybe he finds you asking for them/hinting to be annoying, and is trying not to encourage needy behaviour. Maybe words of validation are just not his thing.
If compliments are that important to you, say so or date someone else.
I have turned down many other guys waiting for my ex and it’s starting to affect my mental health. Neither do I want to spend any more time waiting to be in a relationship with him again. I have started to talk to another guy, who I told my ex about and he got mad at me. He said I bring negativity into his life and I should consider myself lucky to have him in my life
That is the nail the coffin right there.
And look, what I would like to tell people caught up in this situations… STOP listening to what the other person is willing to offer you.
Instead, start focusing on yourself and what you want.
If you want a real relationship… from the sounds of it, you won't be finding it here with your ex.
All that is going on is that he will keep you close enough to make you feel engaged, but far enough so you don't have the relationship… Its a dead end.
Additionally… this comment:
He said I bring negativity into his life and I should consider myself lucky to have him in my life
Is toxic.
To me, it shows how unhealthy things are with you and your ex. Stop clinging onto empty promises.
If your ex was serious about you, he would step up and demonstrate that here and now. Even if that includes “Hey, I have a lot of shit going on, but here are the steps I am taking to overcome it”… Something that makes you stop guessing about the outcome.
And for the future… On and offs… rarely work out.
I think its time to accept things for what it is.. and move on completely.
Love shouldn't do this to you:
Starting to affect my mental health.
That is not a healthy version of love.
Depends, how far is it? Does he have to go to work later?
Respect and boundary thing, not age.