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Date: April 18, 2023
This is bait for sure.
I think i’m just tired of trying to prove something to him or fixing the problem myself that I just want to really trust that his “solution” will finally be the end all be all
Because you're trying to prove something he already knows and is refusing to acknowledge. If he acknowledged that you aren't crazy and she is definitely crossing boundaries, he would be forced to create distance between them. He doesn't want to create distance between them, so he simply refuses to acknowledge it. Look up the term “gaslighting”. He is denying an obvious reality in order to manipulate you into accepting the situation. That is his “solution”. Rather than making her to respect appropriate boundaries, he is trying to make you accept her lack of boundaries.
…if you only think what they’re doing is wrong because of how it impacts your relationships then you’re just as bad as they are
She's not respecting your space or your privacy, even after numerous requests explaining exactly what you need.
Or maybe as you are growing you are seeing the toxic behaviors that have always been there.
It's really ok to let poor friendships die.
I tried to explain this to him tonight, we went back and forth for a while and I kept telling him I wanted no contact/delete/block whatever he needs to do to never see her body again or chat. And he kept asking me to compromise. I told him it feels like he is pressing my boundaries and he immediately shot that down and said he was sorry. Before that, he’d told me more about how she got him out of some tough places, ie: suicide, insecurities about his weight because he was heavy before. I feel that. I’ve had my insecurities too and I’ve definitely had people as sexual partners who helped lift me up. But I asked him, when do I get to lift you up like she did? I told him it felt like he is asking me to put my past behind me with fears of cheating, which I understand, but what I didn’t understand was why he was so insistent of keeping communication with her. I kind of get where he comes from now, but I still don’t feel okay with them even just chatting. We ended a phone call and he said he was going to take care of it and that he was sorry and that he understands now that this is not okay. And now it’s been like 40 minutes since the phone call but he’s still following her. I have no clue what to do. I want to give him time because he says it feels like his friend has died, like he is grieving the loss of a friendship. But I don’t know how long I can hang onto this. He says he’s told her about me and she was really encouraging him to continue pursuing me but idk. It’s not like he can prove to me that’s what she said because it was all on Snapchat. The only messages he saved from here were her videos from January.
I think they should only talk in therapy because the fiance doesn't seem to understand how badly you can hurt someone or how to help. If he does want to learn to understand then she can meet him with someone who can protect her until he learns. If not she will see that pretty quickly and have emotional support
In my opinion, they would likely both benefit from him living independently. There's a way to do it kindly. It's not abandoning him to do so. She also doesn't need to sacrifice herself just to help him.
Jesus Christ…oh love…you can't marry him. Not ever. Someone who loves you wouldn't treat you this way, and ignore your concerns so many times, and then try and force you into something you don't want…god…he's just awful.
You deserve so much better than that. Even if this is just him lashing out in grief, you cannot stay with someone who treats you that way for a second.
are you so afraid to be alone that you'll just keep putting up with this shit?
Imagine the total peace of him not being around you anymore.
I want to say that I agree that he seems to be taking things too far. Buuut I also want you to consider what you are doing to the situation.
In your example, you ask him where he wanted to online “if he could live! in any city”. When I hear that, it implies that “if I could live there” means that I would have the money to online a decent life. So you are asking him to be creative, think outside of the box, and give an answer if everyting was aligned.
And then you tell him he is wrong. How on earth is that going to lead to anything worthwhile? You are asking purely out of interest in his imagination, so why are you telling him how stupid he is for picking an overpriced and overpopulated place – instead of asking him why he would like to on-line there?
If the whole point of the conversation is to get to know him, why are you so quick to dismiss his thoughts? Just because he says LA, it doesn't mean he actually wants to live! there. He probably knows that he can't afford it, or that it would be too hectic – but that doesn't mean he can't have a little daydream about how it would be to live! there. Ask him, and get to know him better. Maybe he has a different perspective than you.
What happens after that is on him – he should be handling this better, but I wouldn't throw this all on him.
Hm… I think I actually have a bit of anxiety whenever I fantasize about any gender, it's just with women I forget about them because I know it really won't go anywhere serious. I've never actually had sex with my ex, although I did wish for it (he wasn't ready, that's ok we were both like 16-17). Generally there's not a super strong desire like with women but I do have my moments, they're just much less common because I have these thoughts. Yeah maybe I should try a therapist.
Exactly.
Only you can decide what's worth the relationship.
So basically you are saying that you love the potential father of your children as much as you love your dog and cats. That's ridiculous.
You sound like you're in a relationship with your pets. Yet they are not the ones providing with a paycheck or helping around the house, are they? Your husband is understandably pissed because you make no sense at all. He's the one that cares for you and you give him 1/4 of the attention he gives you, as you have to divide your time equally between your 3 extra “family members”. That's some bullshit if I've ever seen one.
Unfortunately her mom passed last year which was a big proponent to the strain in our relationship. I’m not gonna lie I’m no Angel and made my mistakes, but I made it very clear I was going to make all the changes necessary to make her comfortable. I pretty much removed any female from my social media accounts and I don’t really talk to anyone but her and my family. But she likes to check to see if there’s anyone else time to time while I tend to trust her with the abundance of friends she has, male or female. I don’t mind that she has friends, but she used to tell me things like about her old boss or she even hung out with a guy from her job. I didn’t mind because his dad had just passed away and they were friends so she just wanted to check on him. But I’m prettified to even make a single female friend. I’ve had one from my highschool days reach out who we had a plutonic relationship together. I pretty much ghosted her because I was too afraid of how my girlfriend might react. But she has a few male friends and in a few months is going partying with a few of them and a few other girls in a pretty crazy area. I expressed my discomfort with the area but she said she wants to feel young and she’s going to be with her 11 friends so she’ll be fine. She said the only person she’d be dancing on is her female friends.
I'm saying this the nicest way I can, but this way of talking here is probably very similar to the way your friends talk. You simply do not “hate racism” enough to see the kind of obvious racism that drives people away… As a reason to be driven away. Nothing you may say about how much you hate racism can fix that. As you said, your friends have many good qualities. They're not rotten to the core. If only “bad people” were racist it'd be much easier to put them together on an island and be done with it, they wouldn't have gotten to be your friend in the first place. That doesn't mean they're not so racist that they, I can not stress this enough, drive people away they've barely met. And you are racist enough to let them.
Karma !
If they cheated with you then will cheat on you
No sympathy from my part OP
He apologize for the threat of rape toward my friend. He doesnt apologize for the others things
Try to get anyone else to help you a little bit right now. Don’t try stairs if you can avoid it!!! Wet wash cloth showers for a bit!
Dump that MF jerk!
That’s a hell of a thing to say. She’s been SAd by her dad & her mom didn’t be her. She was scared her BF wouldn’t either. She didn’t know what to do. So don’t put any blame on her for being scared and unsure of what to do.
Who hasn’t gotten bored and thought “I wonder what Felicia is up to?” Clicky clicky “ah… she married a woman, they look happy good for them”. ?
I definitely wasn’t. The first comment was telling me to leave, and I said I was trying to but it was expensive. I sarcastically said “do you want to pay for xyz?” And if they had any idea on how to help, DM me. I wasn’t asking for anything, only pointing out that “just leaving” isn’t possible. My words then got twisted.
Yeah this is why staying friends is kind of weird. Who’s to say she won’t try to cross that boundary again? She clearly has no problems being a cheater/homewrecker
What? What the fuck. This is so illogical. Explain to me how anyone is supposed to understand how you feel when what you do anx say is the exact opposite? And no, you dont have to be carefull about turning down coworkers.
I think you should focus on finding hobbies and things you can be proud of for your own mental health.
He's your ” partner” but has zero say if you kill his child or don't? You sound psychotic.
Sorry to tell you this but he's stringing you along.
Him: No, we don't have the money to go to Florida for something you want to do. If we spend that money, I can't ask you to marry me.
You: Okay…
Also him: But we DO have the money to go to Florida for something I want to do. (And no mention of how it might affect his asking you to marry him.)
This guy has NO intention of asking you to marry him. If he did, he wouldn't throw things out to you like he did here with, “If we go to Florida, I can't ask you to marry me.”
That's SO manipulative! He has no intention of hearing or listening to you at all so it doesn't matter what you say to him. If I were you, I'd tell him,
“No, we can't go to Florida to visit a buddy of yours. You told me if we went to Florida in October, you wouldn't/couldn't ask me to marry you. So how is it we don't have to the money to do what I'd like to do but we DO have the money to do something you'd like to do, when both things are in the SAME place?????”
Yeah, I do agree that sometimes feelings just happen and same with attraction, I was mostly just hurt about the lying. I would’ve been okay if she just told me she liked him and wanted to go for it, but all of the lying was just a lot and made me question our friendship which is where I’m struggling to be happy for her now
I appreciate your comment! I’m consoling him and I’m on Reddit because I’m an anxious person lol, I cannot bear having someone be upset because of me. That’s basically why I’m on Reddit, so I can calm myself.
I think the comment he made was when he hadn’t entirely processed what happened. He’s feeling bad about himself and I think he partially blamed me for making him feel that way, that he had made his partner feel unsafe. It’s more like “why did you make me aware that I’m awful”. He was also getting upset when I used words like “safe” or “unsafe” so I think his issue is just with being able to process it. And he’s not available for me emotionally at this time because of it – which I’m now understanding and that’s why I’m on Reddit haha. I have told him repeatedly that it doesn’t make him an awful person, and I just wanted to make him aware of a boundary, but I think he’s being too hard on himself.
HELL NO. DO NOT DO IT. ABSOLUTELY NOT
I was thinking the same.
Girl, at a certain point you're choosing the online that you're living. You've been choosing this man for 3 years. Stop.
Probably movie, dinner or drinks.
he has also told me before he wants to commit, he asked me out very suddenly start of the fling and i rejected him as it was very sudden and unexpected (baring in mind this was around a week into our situation) i understand he won’t commit but i have tried talking to him about ending things but he wants to keep me – it’s obvious he is using me but that’s easy to say when he isn’t here it’s difficult when i’m actually with him to think negatively about it
If it works for you guys now, great. When it doesn’t, start a conversation. The book the 80/80 marriage has some helpful exercises and ways to approach the division of domestic labor to come up with a system that is individualized for your relationship. It doesn’t matter what anyone else is doing. Do what works for you
This sounds like something very good for you.
You started dating him when you were 18, and all we read is
He needs to get his finances in order. At 35.
You don't know how he will manage to online by himself. At 35.
You have been groomed, and it sounds like he made you to be the breadwinner.
He will be fine. He will probably look for another 18 year old to manipulate.
While I'm not saying that you're asexual OP (Or OP's partner now I guess since he's taken over the thread???) A lot of asexual/allosexual pairs have dealt with similar issues in regards to sexual/libido incompatibility. You may have some success with looking into how ace/allos manage a similar situation. (Where one partner wants sex frequently and the other not so much.)
But I think that this issue is secondary to the main issue that we're seeing is this thread. That issue being that NewOP, you're kind of putting your feelings about sex over your partner's comfort. You (NewOP) knew that you were crossing a boundary when you publicly discussed your sex life with a large group of friends. You knew it would upset her. And you did this without her knowledge or consent because you care more about her feelings.
How open your friend group is when it comes to talking about sex. How experienced your friend group is, the fact that she told you to open up to friends and family previously, etc. It's all irrelevant because you knew that you were crossing a line. You knew that she didn't mean for you to 'open up' in regards to that specific topic in a situation like that.
And furthermore, after having a conversation that you knew she would be uncomfortable with. You wouldn't even let her know what you've been saying to these people. If I was in her shoes. Because I wouldn't know what these people know. I would feel so ashamed that I would never want to see those people ever again.
NewOP, you should probably talk with your therapists about how you care more about your sexual frustration than you do about her feelings.
Huge ?
It’s interesting when you get older and think back about falling in love and getting your heart broken. All of it can be appreciated, even the terrible sadness. As you age the ability to feel deeply hardens. Things just don’t impact you in the same way. The fact it impacted so deeply is because you’re a good person who wouldn’t have done that to her. Don’t let it harden you. There’s someone better who’s waiting for you now. Hit the gym, eat well and get outside.
There are two things that cannot be compromised on in a relationship without causing a LOT of resentment.
Marriage and children. You need to dump him. You not wanting kids and him specifically wanting more than one is a deal breaker no matter how badly you don't want it to be. Children don't deserve to be born to a mother that never wanted them and the way your boyfriend acts on this subject, he will 100% expect you to do a majority if not all of the heavy lifting when it comes to caretaking. You will not only resent your bf for pushing you into having children but you will resent the kid/s bc you never wanted them in the first place.
I won't say either of you are absolutely right or absolutely wrong. There's right and wrong to both of your arguments. Theoretically, we'd all love to agree with her argument. Logically you shouldn't commit to a relationship unless you're at a point of being with someone for exactly who they are. Life is rarely that perfect.
As such, in largely every situation, healthy relationships work based on compatibility, and where that's not the case, where the partners are able to find sustainable compromise where they're both legitimately happy. If you're fundamentally incompatible, that's never going to change. If the issues are things where you can logically find middle ground, then all can be fine. You two are arguing opposite extremes.
To be completely honest with you, I have an opinion already. But out of fairness to you, I want to point something out that's huge here; if you take a step back and put things into perspective, you're miserable. She stuck with you through good times and bad; what does that mean? So have you. She'd never cheat on you. Awesome, that's a baseline expectation of a partner. It's not weirdly comforting to you. You're trying trying to find any and all reasons to make you believe leaving is wrong.
You're not overreacting. You're making perfect sense. Healthy relationships just don't operate like this. You'll never believe it now, but I promise you there's better out there. Good luck.
Don't do it. If you feel that way, nothing good will come out of it. Talk to your fiancee, tell him how you feel.
It may rub against the grain for some but I agree with this. My parents are now divorced but my Dad was in the military. The entire time they were together he was active duty. After 9/11 he had back to back 9-15 month deployments while my mom took care of us 5 kids…then 4 when my sister died while Dad was away. I didn’t realize it then but as an adult, both of them had to have gone through so much stress.
It does sound a bit intense for a 5 month relationship, maybe take it easy. But also I think you could benefit from having a conversation about love languages. The idea is that people express their affection in different ways and prefer to receive affection in different ways. It sounds like you show affection by being there 24/7 and you want to receive physical touch. Maybe things work differently for her.
I think this is one of those situations that comes down to mutual lack of experience.
Getting hard and feeling each other up in the shower does often lead to sex, but at the same time, he reeeaally should have known better. No girl is eager to lose her virginity with a quicky in the shower. Especially if you stated just a few days prior you weren't interested in sex at all.
I'm sorry this happened to you, I can imagine how scary and overwhelming it must have been. You can be very proud of yourself for reinforcing your boundaries!
From what you say he's shown genuine remorse, and if you don't really feel violated, I think it's relatively safe to chalk it up to a learning experience and move on to greener pastures with another guy.
It sort of makes sense to me, it's like watching a movie or series with someone who's already seen it. They have their own opinions formed and that influences you sometimes.
The ‘pick me’ energy is real lmao
My boyfriend is a kind person.
He'll call her stupid and do this mocking impression of her trying to use her phone.
These statements don't jive, my friend. Your boyfriend is a nasty piece of work and if he's refusing to seek therapy or anger management, you need to leave. You cannot build a healthy life with a person like this. Do you want children someday? Because if this is how he speaks to his own mother, can you imagine how he'll treat little children who will often test his patience just because they are kids?
If you want to wait then wait. I know what it’s like to get pressured and honestly, just put your foot down and tell them you’ll get married when you feel you are ready. It’s your life and you get to make those choices, because in the end, you’re the one that’s gotta deal with the consequences of those choices.
At the very least you need to put the wedding on hold.
I'm sorry, but you're clearly being guarded in a “freezer” by this other guy. He wants you to be there for him when he ends up the real relationship he probably has with his girlfriend, so he won't be alone. Therefore, he keeps you as his second option making sure you won't date other people. I wouldn't even “break up” with him if I were you, since there's no relationship here. Go have fun with this cute dude, he's sounds a little more worthy of your time
Look, people come to this subreddit for many reasons.
Some want advice. Some want validation. Some want to settle arguments. And some want a outside perspective.
I am here because I want to help people and I really don't care if they value my outside perspective or not…. Its not me with the relationship problems.
But I can confidently say, this is probably your crux right here:
The point is, if my actions are better and she says she would do it, then why is not being done?
She does not have to do it if she does not want to do it. Plain and simple.
Congrats on being a half decent husband I guess? Blowjobs on command for you!
If you really mean this:
Do I feel entitled of anything from her?? No
Then the fact you're not receiving enough oral from her should not get you this wound up.
Are for you forgetting this?
we have amazing sex(intercourse).
Is that not good enough?
Sure, it could be better. You can nudge her with a request once in a while. But to hound her about it, is only going to make it less likely that you will receive it.
And for brutal honesty, the way your carrying yourself throughout the comment section… points out the obvious as to why your wife might not be head over heels in the bed room.
I am exhausted reading you, couldn't imagine marriage.
I guess “just because you didn't succeed at finding another date, doesn't mean you get to talk to me from a high horse” wouldn't be an apology, but that's what he would deserve.
That's fine and dandy but once she reaches the point of last straw, there's nothing you can say or do to redeem yourself in her eyes. She's done. Again, this most likely wasn't a one issue thing. This was just one more thing on top of many others.
Out of curiosity tho, how long did it take you to offer to let her see your phone?
You got with a man who cheated in his last relationship with a married woman. Was that not a big enough red flag to you?
This is really not a good situation. He's gonna need to work hard to disentangle himself from his mom & the trauma he still clearly has over his ex, and that's if he wants to. The fact that he lived away from his mom for years and only got this enmeshed after the ex cheated makes it sound like he's using his relationship with his mom to distract him from the situation with his ex. Watching your future go up in flames through no fault of your own is genuinely traumatic, he needs to process that and understand why he's doing this with his mom on his own before he can be anyone's partner. But again he has to want that, and right now he clearly doesn't.
Don't ask us. Ask her.
If I understand correctly, you think I should waste our time and let her go ?
It’s a great relationship… except…. He’s a serial cheater, he’s not remorseful, he’s emotionally detached, he won’t communicate , he’s not showing affection/love…. That is not a “great relationship “- like at all!!! Get some self respect, stop letting people treat you like garbage. Block him and work on yourself
While I don't agree with the lie, honestly this seems like a major overreaction in the first place and the lie was a response to the fact that he knew you well enough to realize you would make a big deal over this if he told you the truth. The point was the chat because you admit you were bothered by it before he lied.
Who cares if he has a text thread buried at the bottom of an app? Why did you turn this into an issue in the first place? It's not like he is still texting her. You're going to exhaust yourself if you police little things like this. In future if you have an issue, communicate directly that something bugs you instead of trying to trap him. You'll save both of you a lot of headaches.
No
Okay, so what's your budget look like with this new 25k car payment every month? Does it line up with his 5-10k estimate? With this new information, I'm getting the feeling he's not being controlling and is simply trying to keep the family solvent.
Yeah, he shouldn't have bought a truck if your family car was breaking down. But that ship has sailed. Perhaps he can sell it to make the numbers work for the family car or something.
Lies and dishonesty are like cockroaches. Once you find one, you start wondering where the others ares and how infested and rotten your house has become.
OP, just ask her one very straight forward question.
“Do you want me to fight for this marriage and for you, because if you do not want me to and you have found someone else it may be easier that we just walk out of each others lives and never see each other again. So what do you want me to do?”
Something happened on her work trip and now for whatever reason you are now in the horrible “pick me” game. Believe me when I say that this is a game you do not want to play and regardless of your feelings towards her, playing this game will just see you lose no matter what the outcome is.
I know that this sounds horrible and demeaning but unless she is willing to come to you, there is simply no point in working to save the marriage. She is actively re-writing your combined history to fit in with her new narrative and you can be guaranteed that she was completely happy until she met the unknown AP. Now that she has cheated on you – and you can bet your last dollar that she has – she is now trying to justify her actions and her feelings for herself. Not for you, but for her.
So ask that question and tell her that this is the only time you are going to ask it.
Because unless she is willing to join you in fighting to make things right, you are just wasting emotional energy and wasting time.
What do you mean with trauma-bonded?