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mary-mayers chat
Date: September 27, 2022
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mary-mayers chat
Just don't tell them about the money.
At least she didn’t see you shitting in the shower
Ahhh, I don't agree with most here. She told him after her friend left. Come on … it should have been before they went to her place not after and the reaction should have been…no way!
Just my opinion
And, is her name Sue Johanson?
I'm sorry to hear about your situation as well. Unfortunately there are just shitty humans in the world, male or female. We got together in high school and both literally had nothing when we started, but I worked up my career and now make really good money. It's not fair for either one of us and I hope it works out for you. Is there a mortgage for your home or did you two buy it outright?
My thought is this, if you bought the house outright and upfront with cash, and it was about 50/50 split, you should have demanded to be on the deed before the papers were signed. I would never drop that much money and not have my name on there, sorry if this was an oversight for you but thats what should've happened. Morally should he put you on the deed or pay you out? Yes definitely. Legally? No, he's not obligated and you are out that money unless you can get him to come around.
Alternatively, if there is a mortgage and he's paying it all, then my previous post still stands, regardless of the upfront fees and down payment. In that situation I wouldn't say you are entitled to anything since he is making the payments and taking on all the debt and risk. If you two are going halves on the mortgage, then just stop paying your half until your name is on the deed. I'm not really sure of your exact situation.
I just feel awful for your husband.
Does your ex feel the same? Why can't you rekindle if he is really the one who you want to be with?
Having a kid with someone while you aren't over your ex partner is messy as hell, I really hope they aren't exposed to any of these issues.
She married me and quit her job in order to be able to move countries with me. Her parents loved me. Then the parents got cancer. Went downhill. Everyone depressed, etc. then her mom noticed her depressed, crying all time and etc, and thought it was me that’s at fault.. started to dislike me. Part of the reason is because we all lived together and occasionally they seen us have arguments, etc.
Why would she marry me and divorce so fast is my question. I feel like it’s the depression and the fact that she has to leave her parents for me, move countries. So that’s why I feel like she’s rushing this, and doesn’t understand it could really mess our lives up. That’s why I want to stretch it out, give her time, understand everything is going to be fine and that’s what I mean by reset.
Thank you so much. We have had this conversation before, and we both didn’t realize that it was a vulnerability issue. I think me and my girlfriend would agree that we are quite vulnerable with each other, but for things that affected us separately and we’ve both dealt with for a longer amount of time (ex. my girlfriends struggle with mental health and my struggle with loneliness). She comforted me saying that our relationship means so much more than all the things she’s done in the past and those things mean nothing to her in hindsight. Whenever it does come up it does make me feel better, and with time I’ve thought about it less and become more comfortable. Your comment made me ask myself a question I hadn’t thought of yet: would I care so much if I had experienced the same amount of things as her? And I honestly think I wouldn’t. I would probably accept her actions as much as I accept mine, but since I haven’t I let it get to me more. I didn’t think I had that much of a need for control until your comment, and it really opened my eyes. You are a great person and thank you for taking the time out of your day to help me with this. Thank you so much!!
Yes, if they are having trouble controlling their emotions in the face of life threatening illness, and that comes out as saying hurtful things, I think you should stick by them.
Kinda what the whole “for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health” vow means.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I’ll leave you with this again (but feel free to PM me if you’d like); big relationship steps don’t fix relationships. Moving in with her is about living together. Sharing a domicile and responsibilities. It has nothing to do with her health choices.
Suggesting you work out together would be a step impacting her health. Suggesting you both eat better together would be a step impacting her health. Living together is her eating the same way she is now but under the same roof. The change needs to happen first.
You're going to be in limbo and over think it.
What you should do is ask him about it.
Tell him what you heard, mention this distance and the changes since.
I see you posted this in abusiverelationships. So I mean…you kinda know the score here.
People nowadays like to forget that just because it is the woman's choice to keep the baby, doesn't mean that said baby isn't also the father's child.
He is allowed to feel sad. Your bf did exactly what he should have: support your decision, and mourn silently, as to not emotionally pressure you.
He’s reasonable to ask for a bj. Reasonable for you to say no. Also reasonable to split up if it’s a deal breaker for you guys.
. I said ”hm I have such a headache, I feel like I might throw up, something is seriously wrong”.
screen. Of course I interpreted this as complete neglect and I went to the other room, mad.
well. obviously nothing was wrong. you had a headache and wanted attention.
My first instinct would be to hug them, ask if they wanted an aspirin, maybe make tea etc
or maybe as a functional adult, they would be able to perform self care to a basic level.
sick/ill is very energy draining and he did not have that energy that day
in a five month period how many times have you been sick or I'll? wtf.
regardless of how little energy or time I had left. I feel like there is an instinct in us that makes us engage in such behaviours, it doesn’t matter if we ourselves feel bad.
only on the most extreme cases is that fair.
I have a son, and am the guardian for my 4 younger siblings, my partner and I work together to perform the duties necessary to care for all of them. it is exhausting, physically, mentally and emotionally.
I keep my eye on her but we have a mutual understanding that our self care is our own responsibility, and if we need emotional support or legroom, it is at appropriate times, and it goes both ways.
but a lot of other times it is panic attacks and anxiety)
ah, see, that's exhausting, he's not an emotional support dog, he's a man, you need to help yourself.
one I dated a very sweet but also codependent guy who would literally do anything to be there for me
cool. go date him then. do not hold guys to imaginary standards of preference arbitrarily set by you when you deem fit.
That he can’t take criticism is one of them
I am not sure you can. either.
. He says that for him, screaming and being loud is a ”normal response”
no that sounds like resentment. either he is cold and unfeeling or explosive, so which is it? sounds like he already loathes being your support plushie and not a partner in an adult relationship.
. I am not sure if he has the right to put up boundaries like that
he does.
I have never been with someone that is good at putting up boundaries
shocker.
or if this is in fact emotional abuse/
don't you fucking dare, call it abuse.
I guess my body is somehow trauma bonded due to all the fights and yelling and how it reminds me of my childhood
oh my god, jeezus fucking Christ this guy needs to run.
you sound. insane.
If someone is the loser in the situation, no body wins.
This is a standard deal-breaker for couples facing this situation.
Logically, if she has no one where she is now, it wouldn't make much of a difference to online somewhere else IMO.
However, this large of a decision is equally hers as it is yours.
What are her thoughts living in FL?
The rule of thumb, if she happens to follow your choice out of love… then you best be giving her your absolute all for the sacrifice she made in return.
So he should get everyone who's gonna be somewhere?
Also he says elsewhere that they weren't at the party but just passing by. Can't control that shit.
You could leave a note but who knows if ex will give it to her.
When I divorced my husband, I did reach out to both of my stepdaughter via text directly to them that I would always be there for them. I’ve maintained contact over the last few years. They were in college when we divorced and I’d been around for a decade.
So I understand wanting to let her know you care and want the best for her.
Honesty is the best policy.
I'm sorry that there's so many comments making this about you wanting attention or being a shitty parent already. It's quite obviously about your shitty family continuing to not prioritise you or value you, during the one event in your life where you thought for sure you would be.
That's a horrible, horrible thing to feel, it must be absolutely devestating. And I'm so sorry that you're in this position.
In one of your comments, someone says “move far away”, and you responded with “I wish I could”. There's another comment about saying you'll limit your relationship between you all after baby is born if they don't treat you better, and they called you manipulative (and didn't address your concerns). Those two comments, to me, indicate pretty clearly that you are very aware of how broken this dynamic is, and how you are never going to be prioritised the way you should, and that it's bordering on time to cut your losses and begin to put some distance between yourself and your family, for your mental health and the sake of your child. I think you maybe just need a push to do so, or perhaps even the validation that it's okay to do so.
And I want to tell you that it is okay. You can decide that enough is enough, and walk away, put some distance and boundaries between you all, and know that it's okay. Your family is wrong, it is not manipulative to refuse to subject your child to this behaviour. And yes, the behaviour is awful, and you are being treated absolutely deplorably. You deserve better than this. And it is okay to decide to make things better for yourself, even with a baby on the way.
I'm sorry, but as I'm sure you already know, your birth family unit is broken. Your sister(s?) is the golden child, while you are the family scapegoat. And I think you need to focus on building a new family, especially right now. So just know that it's okay to set some boundaries, to limit contact, to begin to put them at arm's reach, or even to cut them all off this very minute and never speak to them ever again. Whatever you need to do to prioritise your mental health, and your new family, is the right thing to do, and you are no villain for it.
It’s really sad people can’t just have conversations any more without it ending in a breakup
I'm kinda shocked by the responses on here. There is no problem with this being a dealbreaker
Because you’re literally having to call out of work to spend time with him. It doesn’t sound like you both have the same priorities. It’s okay with him to go multiple days without talking to you, you can’t even go one night without it and drive to his house crying because you can’t get him to pick up. He’s lowkey asking you for a break. If he’s going through something and this happens often he needs to seek some help with that. It doesn’t sound like you can handle the back and forth, and that’s normal and okay. But it sounds like you’re putting yourself through mental anguish for someone who doesn’t mind not talking to you for x amount of time.
Sooo did you push that same weekend agenda on him? Or did you both actually agree. If he’s planning his on labor day weekend, go out with your friends doing something else? Saying you’re controlling is a bit of a stretch but it sounds like you two have communication issues if he hid this, and his reaction to you being upset at the sneakiness/lack of communication is to call you controlling. I’d be wary marrying someone who can so easily say that.
Do not marry this woman. It doesn't matter if you are indian, a marriage is a two people team. She's not in your team
Lol I completely agree. I could never ghost / block someone after dating them for years, unless things turned violent, or a lawyer recommended I do so.