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Date: December 6, 2022
They also haven’t even dated a year, like what financial couple goals can you have with someone you barely know
Thank you. This sounds like a very good advice, I appreciate it. He said to me something similar to what you wrote, about wanting some kind of attention which he didn’t get from me, also that it should be a wake up call for both of us to step up and try harder. I will try my best and I hope he will as well and we will see where life will take us.
Regardless of age people get lonely. For example, you will often see people end a relationship and then be in another one literally within 2-4 days. Otherwise they would feel the same way that your mom does.
I would explain your feelings on this to her. But I also encourage you to help her find some social circles or even a date.
I don't see any false thing on that. Your brother just had introduced some natural thing with your son. He is your son's uncle and you're his dad. Also your son is your brother's nephew. They just lived some natural things among each other. You shouldn't worry about that. Sexuality is natural, and even for men, it is all natural. I don't think your brother is guilty.
Well my sister has a switch and my brother and his fiance have xboxes, I have both
Ask him
Thanks for your comment. I’ll clarify that they are not married, and been together only a year. And in that time he has been distant and usually only saw her once a week.
I see what you’re getting at, I do. But it didn’t quite fit the scenario.
yup what?
Uff. I feel you. I hadn't been with my guy for as long but we did go through several trips and special occasions where just like you I really thought it was going to happen and I was very disappointed every time it didn't. So, like you, I sat him down and had the conversation. Turns out he did want to get married but just felt like there's no rush since we both know this is where we are headed. After I clarified to him how that makes me feel, he agreed with me and proposed a few months later.
Your story was the same up until you had the conversation and he straight up told you he doesn't want it. You HAVE your answer. Now you need to decide if you want to stay together and never be married or leave him and try to find someone who is actually a good match for you (because guess what, this guy is not it).
I'm sorry you're going through this. But don't settle for a life you don't want. You will absolutely build up resentment over this.
You just discuss it with him.
He’s not going to like it.
It may even make the relationships an issue. But these problems aren’t going away by avoiding them.
Not entirely, but yes MOST men view women sexually.
It seems like the only reason he is believing you didn't cheat is because he learned Michael is gay, otherwise it seems likely he wouldn't have budged on his stance.
She's not over him.. Sorry to say. He might have a tight grasp on her and maybe manipulating her but she's engaging so somewhere she is not over him.
And emotionally cheated
He is acting VILE girl. Please leave this creeper. He is literally telling you that he only wants you for sex and that you OWE him at that. FUCK THAT. Absolutely disgusting. You should never ever, ever have to apologise for not having sex, NEVER. Please take care.
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I was merely adressing your absolute 'it's never cruel to be nice'. Also, you can edit comments, just fyi.
My boyfriend started crying because he was so stressed about stuff so I held him and let him cry in my arms. He kept apologising the whole day and the day after. It appears that woman acting this way is strangely common. To be honest do you want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t care if you cry?
Yeah they've figured out more since we were in school. Read the article that is linked in a reply to my first comment in this thread. It explains it.
I don't see why the chances of either scenario I mentioned happening.
Is there a chance she did read it and doesn't want to have that conversation?
Dictionary
Definitions from Oxford Languages
teenager
noun
plural noun: teenagers
a person aged between 13 and 19 years.
this is interesting. Thank you, first of all. He said it calmly and politely, but told me in my face that right now I am destroying my own psyche and wasting my life. In my face. When I was in the middle of doing that and feeling terrible about it and sharing with him how much I DON'T want to on-line that way, communicating I DON'T want to live! that life. And he makes me feel worse by rationalising why it would make sense to feel completely terrible. Hiking is not really possible here, but I will find something similar to do . Thank you!
Just a word on the venting: it isn’t to be taken as something you are responsible for or failing. For some people, it is a safety valve. I do it all the time- it is also if you have a stressful responsible job, the pressure gets too much. But it doesn’t necessarily mean she is actually unhappy, just working out what gets her down in the day. Make jokes and demonise the people she moans about, but throw it off if you can or set boundaries such as 15 minutes venting limit. There is plenty of job advice here, but perhaps she could do two jobs vet part time and something that pays but isn’t too stressful for the rest of the week?
okay so you were right
Woman here – she’s emotionally invested in the “potential”.
Paternity test is pretty invasive from what I remember. So I understand not wanting to do that right now.
Bro why are you even asking you’ve only been together for 5 months. I hate to say it but woman and guys typically early in the relationship we’re taking to other people other then you until they choose you.maybe they have it to her
He said he doesn't want sex before marriage, you've had sex before marriage.
He says he feels guilty and wants to wait, you say you can't do it. You need it to feel close.
Do you not see how you are contradicting yourself?
You say you've tried therapy it doesn't work, you can't be fixed. First that's not true. But finding a therapist is like finding a good relationship. It's very hot to do.
Second, if it was true it would mean you should never be in a relationship. As you will always be toxic to those you love.
So pick. Therapy and stop fucking your boyfriend. Or no therapy and no boyfriend.
I hate pranks. And this one was very sick and twisted. I'd go full NC with your sister. What a demented psycho.
There usually isn't a perfect fit on all points. But after some time and adapting to each other, it might feel perfect, or close to it.
Somewhere else you wrote you're both introverted – which might make things easier. Imagine dating an extrovert who wants you to join in for parties and other stuff burning you out quickly without time to recharge your energy. With an introvert, finding a shared lifestyle seems a lot easier.
He also didn't choose to be honest, he just got caught. He knocked someone up and you really think they're going to stop having sex?
Updateme!
I'm curious as to whether or not you have read the book?
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Treated chlamydia is nbd. Untreated chlamydia can be disastrous for your health, especially the health of a woman.
This happened while you were with him and he didn't mention it? Dealbreaker. Period.
Definitely tell on him. Tell police yourself if you have to. What he did is unacceptable!
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Be straightforward and say exactly what you're feeling. It doesn't have to be complicated.
Hey, I know we agreed to keep things casual given the long distance and everything, but I wanted to ask if you're open to going out on another date some time? It would be nice to get to know you a little better.
If he rejects something that benign, there's nothing more you can do. Rejection sucks but it comes with the territory.
Are you bisexual? I guess that would come from that statement. Anyway you are smart to break it off with that lady. Move on with your life.
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He is clearly romantically interested in her. Have a talk with your gf and ask her to stop seeing as it makes you uncomfortable how close they are getting.
You either have to teach him or you have to leave him. Pretty simple actually. Why don't you want to help him if he's the one? I get that it's annoying but isn't he worth it? If he's not completely inept, it shouldn't take long. Maybe give him some books to read.
I feel like I'm late to this post, but I had a roommate in college who suffered likely undiagnosed and untreated mental issues.
This girl was my best friend for over seven years. She knew EVERYTHING about me. One day, living together, she snapped. I was crying because everything got to me: the school stress, the loneliness, the lack of coping mechanisms.
TW: self-harm
We got in an argument. I avoided her all day. I was so scared to go back to my room. I had extreme paranoia and had a mental breakdown. I don't remember how, but I was forced to go back. I hid in the corner behind my bed, crying and cutting my legs with scissors. At the time, I knew where her ibuprofen was. I knew that, if I didn't cope in some way, I wouldn't cope at all.
She found me, got my RA, and was taken to the hospital.
After that, she went off on me. She told me that I'm selfish and shouldn't burden others with my problems like that. This is coming from a girl who genuinely vomits blood when she's stressed. I don't know if she ever seeked help, but she always saw it as a burdensome thing to do.
Your housemate… you need to shut it down. People can flip like a switch. That's not to say you shouldn't trust anyone, but this girl is definitely showing bad, bad signs. End it before you end up paying for a private room.
Just slowly escalate your physicality and display of affection to her and see how she reacts. More touchy, little gifts perhaps, showing you care about her a lot, help her out with things in her life. If she’s warm to it keep going and slowly transition your friendship to more than friends.
Even if she doesn’t reciprocate immediately it’s not necessarily bad. Might mean she needs time herself to see how she feels about you.
Just if she pulls away or clearly doesn’t like you attempting to get closer like that, then stop and apologize and say you won’t do it again. Then you know where you stand and can keep your friendship.
Like you're her dad?
What is her reasoning?
Tell her to get a second job if she needs more money.
You don't even on-line together and she's looking at you like a payout. I'd be very careful if i where you.
It's one thing to help out a loved one when in need but this is something else.
So my first thought was yeh maybe he does not want a baby but then I thought what if he just has some weird fetish? Like he jerks off knowing that he came into this condom because of you? I honestly would just ask him straight up why he did that. Not offensively just out of curiosity.
You're not crazy, but it's very common for people in abusive relationships to feel that way because of all the gaslighting and manipulation. You were traumatized and instead of being there to support you he's now using it as an excuse to abuse you.
Even if you don't want to break up with him, which I think you should, I would encourage you to take a break from the relationship while you deal with all this. Take time and focus on your needs and building social support around you. I'm willing to bet if you take time to distance yourself, you'll get a clearer view of how hurtful your bf really is.
“How dirty is the counter when she wakes up” was my first thought lol
I had a girlfriend that put in a lot of effort just like you. It's the thing I miss most about being with her. Don't you ever lose that trait, just find someone that's going to appreciate it!
No he doesn't have to clean because I do it. If I did not do it, he would have to right? Because the negative consequences would be living in a dumpster.
I don't want him to clean as some kind of gesture or gift to me, or something he do because he is a normal adult person, who know that household chores are not optional.
Ok, so say he leaves her. Leaves his family for you. Then what? Do you feel good about that? Do you ever trust him? You will not. You will be the home wrecker in his kuds eyes when they grow up, causing tension between him and his kids (though it's on him too!) And you will always be worried, rightfully so, that he's cheating on you too. Men like him want the perfect family with their eife and the young side piece for fun.
That’s exactly what my friend had said too. I guess accepting facts is difficult. And blaming myself for cutting off communication after calming down from the situation. I can say it’s validating to see this. Thanks
Instead of the awkaward “what are we doing” conversation, try asking if you can take him out on a “real date.” Just that. It’s quite simple and it gets the point across.
He even commented he was giving her mixed signals?
It takes way more than being religious to falsely accuse someone of rape. There's some serious crazy energy going on here.
Is she willing to do the same? Women are frequently abusers too. Clearly she needs some therapy after all this.
Best wishes on this very hot situation.
Your bf is obnoxious – being so intolerant one insists that anyone whose spiritual views don't align with theirs is “mentally ill and needs psychiatric help” is very narrow minded and judgemental. Kinda similar to those hardcore religious people who feel that anyone who didn't belong to their specific denomination is a sinner who must be converted or shunned, you know?
People have different experiences and approaches to spirituality and religion, but in relationships being able to respect each other's values, convictions, experiences, views etc is paramount. He's very intolerant and judgemental and doesn't accept or respect any view but his own.
I'd say you just aren't compatible.
Maybe you and OP could be friends?
Sounds like she could use someone who understands…
I’m not being sarcastic.
Respectfully, please check yourself, drop it and apologize. A good barber is very hot to find and there are probably more than a few men who would pick their barber over a partner lol. All you will accomplish by pushing this is straining your relationship.
Yeah I've been on reddit awhile and people get jealous over all sorts of nutty things like that. The OP seems kinda nutty so I don't think in this case that its weird to assume she would be jealous given that she is insisting on going to the barber with him.
Go with actions. That's what is real. Lip service doesn't get you anywhere
How did you not think to add her while you guys were dating? That’s so odd to me.
I meant she doesn't even have to be very hot, just not-unattractive.
However, doing so seals the end of the relationship, and probably the girls friendship, by the time the dust settles.
Seems like something for small claims court. You might be better off seeking legal advice from a lawyer rather than reddit.
I dunno.
I made a comment in another response thread so I’ll be shorter here. But long story short, I think that the content/context of their discussions matters.
It seems like some people feel like it’s an emotional affair just because it’s someone of the opposite gender and wouldn’t have an issue with the same content of convo with a same sex friend.
I (44F) have several male friends. One in particular, I talk to most days. We talk about work stuff (same field, very niche), we talk about new recipes we have tried and want to share as we both like to cook, we talk about his new ADHD diagnoses, his hobbies….basically all the same stuff I talk about with my best GF minus the work thing as she doesn’t get it.
If there’s been a history of cheating then that’s one thing. But sometimes—especially when you’re traveling for work—you just want to connect with a human. Some people are more available than others. And like your husband, i have different friends for different kinds of topics.
That said, I caught my ex husband in his affair when I was paying cell phone bills for the family. I wasn’t looking for evidence, I was just checking to see if I needed to change our data plan as the kids were often going over. Then saw 900+ texts to/from the same number in 11 days. On his acct. called the number. Introduced myself as so and so’s wife. Guy hung up on me. I called husband and asked if he was having an affair. He was. I filed for divorce the next day.
So I dunno. My current partner and I both have opposite sex friends and it’s never been an issue.
You’re going to have to ask him what’s up. But if you don’t trust him then you’ve got bigger issues.
You need to get it together and start thinking about your kids. Use some birth control to start highly doubt you are supporting the kids you have on your own. Tell girlfriend to use some birth control and I’d show him the text.
That's not what this sub is for.
Fair enough.
Appreciate the advice.
I've been in a similar situation with an ex-gf. After a while I just ended up faux agreeing with her, as it was easier than trying to argue.
I asked her about the age thing and she clarified in the fanfiction they’re aged 22+.
Yeah precisely lol. My wife and I used each others phone quite often. I play RuneScape on my phone and if I switch windows it auto logs me out so I’ll grab her phone and look stuff up. That’s just one example.
She should be. This is what that sounds like. If she hasn’t applied, apply. Get help with the application if you have to. It won’t fix everything, but it helps.
Also, she’s not supposed to be your whole world. That’s not healthy. Even parents need to retain identities as people. Don’t make yourself feel bad for feeling bad.
Yeah it’s a horrible situation for her to be in getting unwanted advances from a married man and getting dragged into another couple’s marriage drama, especially when they’re neighbours.
BUT this isn’t OP’s fault either, OP is in a horrible situation as well and she should at least tell her what OP’s husband has done if he did hit on her, it’s unfair to not let someone know that their partner has tried to cheat on them and keeping them in that anxious limbo.
This is why you should always on-line with your partner before marriage. Then you’ll know what it’ll be like. He’s being a total jerk, but I see it as a good thing that you’re finding this out now instead of after you got married.
Unlike him, you can do better.
It sounds like he gave you a very actionable list of things but did you do the same for him? Specific things youd like him to do along with specific timeframes to do them in. Apply for x amount of jobs in x weeks. Come up with 5 locations he is interested in traveling to that you two can discuss.
I doubt giving him the list will fix the situation but it is something to try if you intend on continuing to make the relationship work.
I get the impression he doesn't think about your future together or even his own future very much.
Give him all of the details in sequence by time. Let him judge it.
Your girl friend sally sounds extremely selfish and you care too much.
I’m not saying you’re unhealthy, nor am I denying your ability to hike.
But just based on your defensive reaction and justification I’m going to have to confirm your probably have been coddled.
My highest weight was around 185lbs at 5’6” and, despite being able to run 10km and do plenty of activity, I was overweight and I looked it. I’m sorry to break it to you, but there is no way that at 5’2” and 190lbs you don’t look overweight/obese, unless you’re insanely, insanely jacked (like massively roided up jacked).
You do not have to lose weight for anyone. But you do have to understand the North American beauty standard is thinness (or slim thick) and you will run into partners and people who criticize you for not adhering to those standards (because that is what they are attracted to).
You don't need to feel guilty. If it takes you a year from now to give birth and recover then be it that way.
Mastrubating right next to you is straight up disrespectful especially since it's making you uncomfortable you need to confront him and tell him you don't like it. Pushing these feelings down will make you resentful and they'll come out in a worse way anyway.
I am just going to assume when you say “we decided porn = bad” was him just agreeing to you and now you know.
You don't need to feel guilty. If it takes you a year from now to give birth and recover then be it that way.
Mastrubating right next to you is straight up disrespectful especially since it's making you uncomfortable you need to confront him and tell him you don't like it. Pushing these feelings down will make you resentful and they'll come out in a worse way anyway.
I am just going to assume when you say “we decided porn = bad” was him just agreeing to you and now you know.
nd all of the sessions were an undertone of him telling me to leave which wasn’t my intention when seeing him to begin with
so he had an undertone of what virtually everyone will be telling you? So again, if you really want to leave. You just leave…I you need help you just tell your friends and family (again, you aren't the douche causing all the problems) then get that help they will give you.
nd all of the sessions were an undertone of him telling me to leave which wasn’t my intention when seeing him to begin with
so he had an undertone of what virtually everyone will be telling you? So again, if you really want to leave. You just leave…I you need help you just tell your friends and family (again, you aren't the douche causing all the problems) then get that help they will give you.
That's what I would think too – the whole ewwww factor. But betrayed? That's a stretch
Soo..the bar… is this low. Jesus. How exactly do you see a future with this leach, pardon, man?
You’re dating a child and you’re probably not missing anything, he probably doesn’t know what to do down there anyway lmao
He is going to kill you. He legit caused you permanent physical damage and jokes about it. Don’t let him baby trap you. Per your post history, you moved in together way too soon, and he’s showing you who he really is, so please believe him before he causes you brain damage or a spinal injury.
Abusers can be super charming because that’s part of how they manipulate you into staying. An apology means nothing if he’s still doing stuff to you or joking about the horrible thing he did.
A few things that I feel like would add more context.
You say you work more hours than your wife, but in those hours, is your wife doing all the child rearing?
You say your wife mostly cooks. Do you help her meal plan or go grocery shopping for said meals? I only ask as someone who does most of the cooking in my household (and with children) this adds greatly to the mental load.
You say you get only an hour to yourself each day. Does your wife get a similar amount of time to herself each day? Or, is cooking seen as her time since you commented that she does it leisurely while listening to podcasts….
-Have you spoken to your wife about this, and what would you view as fair if the arrangement stays that she mostly cooks, and you clean up after? Do you want her just to use less dishes, or take on more of the cleaning? If that’s the case, then what is an equitable ‘chore’ for you in your mind?
She is super religious.
My father is pretty normal except for the occasional mysterious comment and he is pretty much under my moms thumb too.
How long have you been married and did you date?
Why did you ignore the signs? Why weren’t the signs discussed early before marriage?
He's the only person I've ever dated and I ended up marrying him. I
There is a big clue in that one detail. Think about why you married the first person you dated. What made you jump into this relationship without getting to know him better first? Explore your reasons for why you entered the relationship and then contemplate what you need psychologically so that you won't feel pressured to repeat such behavior in the future.
You can’t fix this because nothing is wrong. She says she lost feelings for you, and no amount of trying will make that flame return. You can’t make the heart feel what it doesn’t. If it was a long time ago she said she lost the spark then she may very well have fallen into a sunk-cost fallacy mindset and stayed even if she didn’t want to. It’s her choice to leave, all you can do is respect that
We got along really well and had a lot of fun on our initial dates, and I fell in love with him. It wasn't based off nothing. He was attractive, cute, kind, energetic, lively. I I did genuinly fall for him, and still do love him
I’m snarky bc of assumptions. No questions for clarity just assumptions. I don’t like that when I’m genuinely coming for advise. All I got mostly was people ridiculing me and placing me in a box without even getting clarification. That’s the internet for ya and that’s their right of opinion. In turn, it’s my right to respond how I feel will fit.
He can be good in many ways and still not see women as adult human beings fully equal to men with authority to make decisions about their own lives. He can support you in some ways and still value your estranged father's opinion over yours, even knowing how much that hurts you.
There are a whole bunch of people out there I would never want to tie myself to in marriage because of deeply incompatible values and life views. Many of them shovel their elderly neighbors' driveways, and give bouquets of flowers to their mothers on Mother's Day, and have many lovely, kind qualities about them. Someone doesn't have to be a monster to be the wrong fit for marriage.
Well my question would be, how much and how often does he drink? Assuming his drinking is within low risk limits, I don't see a problem.
Anxiolytics have a somewhat similar mechanism to alcohol, and their effect is temporary. Being under the influence of alcohol and anxiolytics at the same time can be dangerous because they amplify each other's side effects. If he doesn't use them at once, the anxiolytics don't make his drinking any worse than it is by itself.
Do not go to counseling with an abuser.
When abuse is present in a relationship, joint counseling tends to make things worse, because it treats the abuse as a relationship issue which both people are responsible to fix. It also gives the abuser therapeutic language that allows them to better control and manipulate their partner and the therapist. OP needs to first get herself somewhere safe and then consider individual therapy so that she doesn't fall into a pattern of entering abusive relationships.
Yeah that confused me… where do they on-line that there isn't a brothel nearby which would be listed live!?
Break up and find a new guy whom you can’t keep your hands off
You don’t deserve either.
Ew ew EW how did you ever get to the point of being okay with marrying someone who VOLUNTARILY leaves shit marks on the couch and through his pants?
It is not your job to raise him. Especially when he is 33!! Absolutely stomach churning. Please don't have kids with this man-child. He will not clean them properly or worse he'll teach them to be like him. Disgusting. Get him into therapy or get him out of the house. I am flabbergasted that you have any sexual attraction to him while he smells like feces and excessive BO and CHOOSES to remain so disgusting.