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Date: December 13, 2022
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I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that this relationship is severely impeding your ability to process your trauma, and adding to your current issues by destroying your self-worth. I suggest that in addition to your current therapy, you also therapeutically cleanse yourself of this human tape-worm. You will heal better without him in your life.
She will have a rude awakening for sure a lot of ppl are like this once the honeymoon phase dies, theyll bail on you. Good riddance imo .. find yourself a much better partner. And happy birthday!
Jesus! No, having a friend as a sex worker implies that you make bad decisions about picking friends. Which means she's more likely too naive and will put herself in harms way because she can't tell the difference between a a person with low morals/self respect and a person with high morals and self respect. I genuinely hope you learn more about how men think and operate. I'd be embarrassed if you were my sister
That's classic codependent (people pleaser) meets narcissist (can never be pleased and moves the goal post so you never get close to pleasing them) dynamic. You cannot change him, and your value as a person isn't determined by whether you can please this other person or not; no matter how he tries to manipulate you into thinking it does.
You’re being more than generous for getting the poor kid at least a present, even if it’s not going to be worth as much as the other kids presents.
While I understand that your mom doesn’t want any drama on the holidays, she has to set boundaries with your brother and not feed him info especially about what you were about to get his affair child.
If your mom was the only person you told about how much you’d spend on the nephew’s gift, she’d definitely told your brother so they could guilt-trip you into buying a pricier gift for his son.
I know you are right…I just dont know how to get about to doing it
What I’d like to know is why didn’t the fiancé just ask her what was going on instead of listen to his friends and jump to conclusions. If she marries him, is he going to listen to his friends every time something happens instead of going to his partner?
She may be concerned that she does not have any legal rights to be there. Have you considered some sort of lease paperwork as if she is a renter and have notary sign it. May give her more security living in your home if there were a legal document stating she lives there too.
This, yet Christians also have abortions all the time, so what they're saying in their post/comments is all so contradicting. Cherry pickin affff.
Thanks mate.
Ty and yea it wasn’t supposed to happen we were smoking and he just kinda kissed me
Nah because I’m not even a mom yet and I want to teach these girls a lesson. Don’t let them see that it’s getting to you but you absolutely should tell a parent or a teacher. I worry about your mental health if you try and tackle this all alone.
I think we agree, I mean, for me it is a progress people cannot make move on drunk people without repercussion.
Coworkers do it all the time, so in the case of OP, it was either borderline SA, or full consent, and for a long time .
You said she came a couple times before penatration? If that's the case, that's where this intense feeling comes from. If she came she had a huge flood of endorphins along with a lotttt of hormones. I wouldn't say it's normal, but it's not surprising. I'm a women and when I was 18/19 those feelings are so over the place. Even now as an adult after sex I can get overwhelmed.
Definitely talk to her about it when she's calmer, and when that happens please take her words at face value. Try not to get in your head about it and remember it'll be okay❤️
You poor thing. A real man would have you finishing every session.
get rid of it and ask her not to send you things like that. if you want to have a relationship with her or whatever, fine, but that's incredibly dangerous for you to have and her to send. even if she feels she's mature enough to make the choice to produce it and wants you to have it the law does not care and will ruin your lives over it. if she can't respect that block her, it's life destroying to have create or transmit content of that type.
Well, maybe you've never seen him act that way because this is the first time you had suggested that you should pay him to sleep with a man he specifically had just said he wasn't interested in.
He thinks something is wrong if you don't have a drink? Wtf is that about? You need to think more deeply about this one, that's weird. (Also, ouch to the hangover, sounds wicked. Did that once or twice with Everclear.)
knowing how bad guys are at wording things, he probably just means scratching his nails on your back on something. he's only 19 and doesn't have much experience
It’s Christmas Eve with her family.
Does he go out to eat for lunch a lot? It makes me think of a “oh sorry I spend so much going out. I wish I could bring leftovers but…?♀️” type of a situation.
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I appreciate you! Aromantic is just like… a romantic orientation that you can have. Just because OP's handling a situation poorly doesn't mean the entire identity is just an excuse to use people for sex? What an awful thing to say!
I'm aroace myself so I don't like, date at all anymore. I do think it's important to be honest about who you are and what people can expect, and if you're not compatible, that's that. That's where OP went wrong. Not in like, identifying as aro.
It’s a committee of coaches , assistant coaches , principal and vice principal
Was his text transphobic?
Was his text transphobic?
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See I thought that but I brought it up & she's promised there's no one else, she's always been honest with me so I believe her, she says she just wants to be alone to improve herself
You did nothing wrong and it's not your fault. I know that because as soon as you found out about the other girl, you blocked him.
I'm so sorry that this happened to you but I hope that you heal from this and that you find a man that loves you and only you.
Sounds like you have spent a lot of time searching for what you want in life while your soon to be ex wife has found her place.
From what I take from this, you have jumped from job to job career and career while still sound unsure you are where you want to be. You maybe want kids in the future. Your soon to be ex wife whom by your words supported you through this journey, is settled in her job, know she does not want kids, has a full life outside of her job with hobbies and friends. She has made it clear she does not want kids or does not want to move in with family or move into a rural area. But you decided to go ahead with this choice and seem sad after leaving her she is happy.
You cannot keep making decisions that affect both of you and just except her to just accept and go along. She cannot keep expecting her to go to therapy and start agreeing with everything you decide she should feel, decide or direction in life. She is not broken, she is perfect for the way she is. Maybe if you accepted that you would be happier with the decisions with what you made.
Move on make friends and try to jump into life you decided you want.
You're not really wrong but you come off very aggressive for no reason.
Also OP isn't saying she won't babysit for a day a month, etc.. she just won't move in with her daughter for months on end to help and be there constantly as a babysitter. Which I think is reasonable.
She's already decided. I know it hurts, bro. It won't hurt for long.
If she isn't willing to defy her parents for your love, then I'd bounce. My wife very emphatically defied her parents, repeatedly. She'd do anything to be with me. I'd do anything to be with her. We have each proven this. Anything less is less than love.
I once dated a girl & her family rejected me, much like your situation. We pushed off our engagement for 4 years. Eventually, we got married & I thought I had won. I was very wrong. Every day, her father & sister would talk to her about me, saying awful lies & telling tales. Every day, she would listen without defending our relationship or defending my character. After a few years of this, they became bolder & started harassing me right to my face. Still, she said nothing. As they expected, this led to our mutual split. I was done with being mistreated & she had begun to believe the hateful lies from her family. Since we've parted ways, my life has dramatically improved. Better wife, better job, better house, better everything. I regret wasting so much time with her & her absurd family.
2nd wife has not spoken to her mother in almost 2 years, now. She even changed her phone number. Her parents were not invited to our wedding.
If dad says no, just politely walk away. If she doesn't go with you as you turn away, walk faster. Much faster. It is better, I think, to use your time building a relationship with someone else than to waste your time with someone that doesn't choose you first. She has, clearly, not chosen you first.
I know that's probably not what you'd like to hear, but that's what I see.
Best of luck, but hopefully you won't need it.
Wtf???
I have never seen this before in German pharmacies. I asked today in one if they have any virus-prevention-meds and they just recommended to me that I take some things like Soledum preemptively, so I guess that's a “No” then, though I sadly only saw your post now.
Pls dump her and let her know she is terribly in the wrong. She is not a good person.
Can't deny being a mess. She's the love of my life.
I've spent the last 4 years trying to fulfill every one of her wishes and dreams. The breakup came out of the blue for me. And i'm really incapable of handling it.
Thank you for sharing. Yes it’s really tough, I’ve never been told I’m an insecure person (truly not trying to brag but just painting a picture: I do often get compliments from strangers when I’m out and the people around me tell me I’m a catch). But these interactions make me feel terrible and doubt my own worth.
I’m not naturally good at being cold to people, I’ve mostly to this point just observed the interactions and tell my boyfriend how they make me feel after. But maybe I need to take a more active approach while it’s happening.
Fair enough, but you don’t have to tell him that he must propose to you now. Just say that you’d like to be married soon and that you really want this.
It sounds like he’s interested in Alyssa and is just trying to find a way to have his cake and eat it too.
Tell him you want to sleep with other people and dump his ass. You can do much better sis
I’d just move on that’s weird and super controlling. You’re allowed to have a life
Tell him your best friend thinks he would look terrific if he was a little more toned.
This shouldn’t be an “if,” but so long as it is you need to seek mental healthcare for yourself. If you feel unable to advocate for your own wellbeing it can be important to have someone outside the situation who will. Go to therapy, express your concerns and work un establishing boundaries. The boundaries are for you, so that you can identify when they are being crossed. A partner that won’t respect boundaries is not a partner at all.
This is coming from someone who has experienced suicidality and who also had to establish boundaries for my own emotional and physical safety. I was never “allowed” boundaries growing up and I ended up in an abusive relationship where I feared my ex would die without me (due to extreme opiate and other drug abuse). The thing is, no one person can be enough to make someone want to online. That IS abusive and I suffered years of trauma at his hands because I knew if I wasn’t there to check his breathing with narcan in hand he was a danger to himself (and having isolated himself through his drug use and behavior on said drugs from every friend and lost his dream job due to his drug use, after being given many chances to take time off for rehabilitation). His drug use was an expression of not only chemically being more at risk for addiction, but deeper mental health issues. I lost years, my feeling of safety, my support as I isolated myself (I felt no one could understand what I was going through, especially as I was going through a physical health crisis that eventually ended my ability to work), and my autonomy as he controlled all my finances.
It wasn’t until I accepted homelessness (or more likely suicide if I’m being honest, I knew I wouldn’t survive living on the streets) that I felt free to leave. I still stayed until I convinced him to go to rehab out of a misguided sense of responsibility. If it helps you sleep to seek an emergency hold to get her into inpatient care, that is an option. Normally I’m hesitant to recommend this as their are many problems with how that is done (pending location), but you could look into psychiatric care that is “well reviewed” (or as well reviewed as that sort of thing can be, just look out for reviews with obvious abuse). None of this should be (or is) your responsibility, but I understand the fear that comes with leaving someone who is a direct danger towards themselves, even if they do horrible things to you. Go to therapy, get your own needs sorted and reinforced, and start looking at local in patient treatment. This may not be fun to hear, but you aren’t going to be able to keep her afloat forever, if she is suicidal a relationship (even the best) cannot save her. She needs professional health and the will to be receptive to it. You cannot give her the will to stay alive (as much as sometimes we wish we could when a partner is feeling this way).
I will also call her holding her life over your head what it is: abuse. She cares not about your boundaries or the incredible pressure she is placing on you (a responsibility that is truly hers). This will not get better. Take this as the indicator it is that you will likely be subject to more emotional abuse. You are young, you have enough pressure as it is just to eek out survival in a world that seems set on punishing our younger generations. You cannot afford this type of abuse. You WILL burn out, resentment WILL grow, and your relationship will only become more toxic than it already is.
If you need a place to talk about this where you can get advice or just feel heard (sans advice, as sometimes we just need to talk about these things with others to process our emotions) I highly recommend r/JustNoSO. The issues that community deals with range from more typical relationship frustrations to quite extreme abuse, the people there are equipped to provide support no matter what stage of relationship discontent you are in. While the people here are not wrong for begging you to leave, I recognize that sometimes it helps to talk about these things with less pressure. You can use the tags to set the parameters to what type of responses you are asking for, and if you state you don’t want to leave and that’s not up for discussion at the moment they will provide advice for how to protect yourself while you are in this situation. It’s not a gendered sub, and while there are many more stories from women, I have seen them be just as fair and compassionate with the men who post there.
I don’t know if it’s just me, but I’ve never received a text like this in my life.
If my friend texted me like this, I’d laugh in their face. Are they 12 or what?
He destroyed his own marriage, what’re you saying
I feel like this is the most important point right now. This guy is dangerous.
Yes that is exactly what I am implying/s
I guess the fact OP understood what I said and even agreed with me means nothing, but hey since you know OP better than she does herself, just keep on assuming what you want.
How much would you say it is then? According to statistics published in 2021, roughly 4%–5% of the population practices polyamory, so yeah, it's not 99% monogamous, but it's like 95%? And about your last point yeah, I hope he wouldn't be like that, but I also think reaction to his parents isn't to dictate that he would act like that… It's a big difference with having a girl's night out vs open relationship
I don’t believe so, but the best advice someone told was “imagine your friend asking you this problem, what would you say?” Listen to your gut instinct.. you’re so young.. sometimes people grow apart. Just have a conversation and his reaction will be your answer
I guess I’m a bit upset because of a few things that happened in the past. I dated someone for 2 years that I loved very much and wanted to marry, but unfortunately things happened and our relationship ended. Then I serial dated for a while. I had a FWB whom I really liked but didn’t want to commit to being in a relationship. I took some time off of dating. Then I went back into it, knowing I was ready for a real relationship, and met my current partner.
Something I found out later was that when he met me, he wasn’t looking for a relationship. I was the one who made the moves first, who first asked him out. Maybe I should have seen this coming.
Marriage to me has always been an eventual goal of dating.
I’m sorry. I’m crying now. I can’t finish this comment.
Simple. Figure out what you want. Figure out what he wants. If they are two separate things and neither of you wants to compromise then move on.
I mean, you're young enough that marriage and children aren't necessarily a must any time soon. However, do you also want to waste more years on a relationship that's not going anywhere? Only you can decide what's best for you. You cannot decide that this man has to meet your needs. But, you don't have to accept less than you want either.
This is one of those that feels a little bit above reddit's paygrade. This feels like a qualified therapist with a speciality in gender dysphoria issue tbh.
You can look for therapy where you pay based on a sliding scale. You have to give it time. It's not an instant fix. It can take months or years to make progress.
Nuff said. Unless OP enjoys the fight.
Trust is gone, it’s time to end it. He no longer trusts her, she doesn’t want to do what’s necessary to rebuilt that trust.
It’s actually a fact that people who swear more have lower IQ. And I never once said that MY goal is attainable for everyone … now you’re just telling lies and throwing insults because you’re losing an argument to a 23 year old.
Happy people don’t bash other people, I’m sorry you have this pain inside of you & hope learn how to manage your ego.
This is my last comment
Glad to hear it
which is why i find it strange that he would be okay with either option when the outcome could end up ruining our friendship in the end
At the right dose it makes you calm (so does 1-2 drinks of alcohol), but at higher doses Xanax feels like being drunk.
Dump her
The rhythm method is not reliable by any means. Even if you use condoms she should still track her fertility so you can avoid the most fertile time. If you continue to not use condoms then you should be prepared to be a father.
Hahaha, you're right that's the exact bullshit argument he's probably going to use on her. Completely “forgetting” the fact that he had been bringing it up for MONTHS, and the second she seemed even the slightest bit on board he jumped in with both feet and instead of having further communication he literally signed both of them up for a dating site. Some people cannot pull their head out of their ass, you know what I mean?
I gave a guy like this a second chance after he did the same thing. Didn't drink frequently enough to “qualify” as an alcoholic is what I told myself.
He drank too much one night and ended up almost killing me. I had to run for my life with my dog and my suitcase in arms at 3 am. Get out NOW. Please. Before you get hurt.
What does it change if someone says this is or isn’t abuse?
The fact is, he sounds like the kind of person you want to avoid. Don’t you think you deserve peace and happiness?
Had you discussed you giving notice with him? Either way, he won't pay for you to online for the next few months? What does that mean? When your savings run out, you just move out and on-line on the street?
There seems to be a miscommunication somewhere here, but this relationship doesn't really seem to operate as though you are a team.
Run directly to a therapist office. You’re not healthy enough at this point to see anybody else. The fact that you even have to write this for HELP after everything you wrote tells me you’re just not quite healthy enough for a relationship. Let alone the toxic mess you just left.
Hey, I don't want to alarm you, but I'm like 80% sure your boyfriend is autistic.
I believe this because I'm autistic, raised by a family of autistics, and have been studying autism for a while now trying to make sense of it all. Your boyfriend kinda fits the bill. You might too.
One unfortunate side effect of autism is that our expectations of reality need to be maintained, or we can kinda lose our shit. It makes us panic when our expectations are broken.
To avoid that stress, and to keep from having to constantly change our expectations, we can often deflect, gaslight, disassociate, control, the list goes on. We are generally better at running from our problems than solving them (an addictive personality).
We are also products of our environments. If we are not taught how to be self-critical, to question our own beliefs enough, we will tend to believe that everything we say is right. We will make up shit just because it sounds right and fully believe that it's the whole truth.
It's what I did, it's what my deadbeat father did, and I think it's what your boyfriend is inadvertently doing. He will need to get his mind fog under control, or he will spend the rest of his life lying to himself while being sedated with accessible addictions to maintain a fake sense of happiness.
Or at least that's my guess.
If you want to talk more about it in detail, I can respond here or in chat. I'm not crazy, I'm just a guy who honestly wants to help.
So you would've actually had sex with her if she hadn't been too shy to make a move? That's a terrible joke. “Haha what if we had sex” constantly being repeated is not an example of making it clear to someone that you're not interested. I can't think of anyone in a monogamous relationship who would tolerate this between a partner and their friends. But if it's just a joke, you'd think that would not be the case.
What she did was uncool, but what you did was also weird and uncool to everyone involved. You can avoid this in the future by not backburnering someone and leading them on. You'll online if she leaves.
I think the difference, this time at least, is that OP seems eloquent and self aware. He sees the problem for what it is and is able to convey that in just a few paragraphs.
In other posts, guys may think a pattern of behavior that demonstrates a problem with drinking from their SO is just normal. Then when their SO comes to them saying they were assaulted, they don’t really take everything into account and, by extension, aren’t able to convey the full picture to people here.
Just my observation.
You helped me a lot and I'll keep you posted. Ciao
Bite the bullet and run!
It may be too late to change the situation now. If he's a great guy, it's worth holding onto the relationship. Despite the fallout, your friend is likely to forgive you in the event of a break-up or if you ask him to leave. Ultimately, you are both adults and your friend's behavior may come across as a bit immature. After all, she did set things in motion, so it's understandable to feel conflicted
Your experience is not universal.
Boundaries are best brought up at the start, when they are brought up later in the relationship a compromise and or deal can made.
Fuck off U snooping fuck. I've used condoms to keep vibrators and dildoes clean before. Just fucking ask him. Right now you know sweet fuck all.
Sadly, not much. Even if there are some laws, no one follows them or enforces them. Even the families will probably blame me for not wanting a kid and pushing him to this level. I chose him as my partner because I thought he understood me and respected my choice. But he changed completely after marriage. He didn't allow me to work, and now this. I feel so cornered.
Please don't judge me for this, I know it doesn't look great on paper but I act with the best intentions and I am confused and hurt and have no idea what to do.
Oh, ho-ho.
I am absolutely judging a cheating and lying hypocrite who uses an innocent person to avoid being single.
Like, gurl, you cheated, your affair crush cheated and yet you are here crying for sympathy?
Hell, no, pfft, nope.
Best intentions for who? Your lying ass?
Jeez, that poor fiancée. And I'm not even talking about that poor fella you're using to keep your cooch warm.
What a farce.
Feel bad for yourself.
From your story it seems you are right and I would have done the same too. Since you were friends, it is normal that you miss them but I invite you to reflect on the fact that you are more likely to miss what you would like them to have been (or who they once were) rather than what they are now, and it is what deludes you that things could change. Then nothing is impossible but if they don't make a first move, and you still have to be cautious, I would tell you to look for better friends
I don’t like this comparison. OP’s girlfriend exploring her sexuality and discovering more about who she is isn’t the same as a trip to Disney World, or anywhere for that matter. She sounds young and scared, and her life probably would be less fulfilling if she didn’t explore this side of her because she’d always wonder “what if”. She didn’t go about this the right way with OP, and he can break it off and should break it off, but that doesn’t negate her feelings about exploring her sexuality.