my (33f) partner (54m) left our family 6 weeks ago. we have newborn twins and i am 3 months pregnant with a 5 year old. he blames my postpartum for leaving. what did i do wrong?

he’s been gone for 6 weeks now and our daughter is broken. i am an exhausted shell of a human. he is bipolar and love avoidant, possibly narcissistic too. i was diagnosed with ptsd and postpartum anxiety after nearly dying in birth, and he was under the impression i would bounce back immediately after having the twins. my healing journey took longer than he expected.

in january, he wrote me a loving note with a list of 33 things i needed to do to regulate before reaching out to him for help. around this time, the new pregnancy happened, making me a little more hormonal, forgetful, and clingy. he asked for space and due to the potential ectopic pregnancy, our doctors and i begged him to stay, which drove him farther away.

time keeps going on and no matter how calm and loving i am, his anger and rage towards me continues to build. i have always taken accountability for my actions and have been doing all types of healing to try and fast track my recovery ever since the babies were 4 weeks old. but sadly he still says he doesn’t feel safe with me and can’t be in our family home 🙁

i never meant to withhold information or to have too intense of needs, boundaries, and emotions.. its so hot to not get stuck in the loop of wishing i could have been less emotional and needy and he would still be here.

my daily routine before him leaving was.. wake up, cook breakfast and pack lunch for kids and partner, have family breakfast, take daughter to school, take care of twins, one free hour a day would go to some type of therapy, school pick ups, cook dinner, family dinner, run partner a bath, bath time/story time with kids, then give my partner a massage and be intimate before we fell asleep watching a movie. i know i was emotional at times, more reactionary, but i truly feel like i did everything i could as a mom and as a partner. i do know i could have been less foggy and more direct, but i think that was due to the ptsd.

before he left, he demanded i go away for treatment and to get an assessment. i compromised by staying firm in wanting to stay home continue my caretaking routine of the kids and got an assessment and additional care locally. he accused me of having bpd, which i think is only because he projects his borderline mom onto me and has deep mommy issues. but the tests from multiple providers came back for postpartum anxiety and ptsd from birth trauma. still he was so upset with me and weeks later left out of the blue. i am so shell shocked by this and truly did everything i could to be the best person i could be for my family.

how can i move on? do i give up on him? i thought we were going to spend forever together. even the day before he left he wrote me a love letter. but his behavior and hate towards me continues to spiral and he has yet to acknowledge the pregnancy.

any advice is so appreciated, as my exhausted self cannot comprehend this cruelty and so badly wants to move on in the best interest of our kids. thank you