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NoGutsNoGophers, 33 y.o.
Location: Middle of Nowhere, United States
Room subject: First Guest Show. She is very shy, Can we change that?
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Date: November 2, 2022
He needs to cut all ties with the friend…makes me low key feel like they they were in a relationship and not just a one time thing and regret it…and makes me feel like she still has some kind of a hold on him. Your relationship will be better off if she wasn't in your life at all.
Well it's up to you now. Hubby won't stand up for you so you have to. I'd make a point to your man that you are doing what he should be. I'd say this to the FIL “I'm happy to have a better happier future with you so let's work on that. Here are somethings I need in order to move on. An apology for rude/mean comments. Also apologize to my parents. I don't like comments that paint me in a bad light so please avoid those. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything. I'm open to hearing your thoughts on this and let me know what I need to do to go forward.” See how that goes.
About him making absolute statement on what I can't or can't do in our home. And when I said I found it rude/controlling to do that he went straight to telling me it over reacting. Aren't you supossed to care about both sides of the situation in a relationship? And he skipped right over my pov. Then moved to calling me names and getting upset instead of talking about it together.
Promise that won’t happen again? Control your dick man
I mean we haven’t even gone on a date yet. I’d expect her to still be looking… I am too
Sorry, but what advice are you actually looking for here?
This is true. If I saw this I would be – he has cheated, leave. I think the issue is trust. He has crossed a major boundary just being in the same room as his friend and the sex worker. At the least, he he doesn’t respect our relationship and makes stupid decisions when drunk at the worst he cheated and is lying about it. I am hoping there is a way to regain the trust, ie him not drinking to excess, midnight curfew – but is he my teenage son or a partner? I don’t want to be some ball breaker trying to keep him in line because he can’t manage that himself
But…why would you have a conversation or talk with a flirt, they keep coming on to each other and flirting…we're in a serious relationship…or at least that's what I thought.
I've read your update. You still haven’t gotten the full truth. There's a lot more there. The partner you thought you knew so well is not this person. She's a serial cheater, and long term liar, and given the hiding app, a very accomplished and polished liar. Rebuilding trust with her would take the next seven years, and she's almost certainly not capable of it. All of this comes from a very long term deliberate set of choices on her part.
You have all this time invested, all this sunk cost. It's all absolutely worthless, built on her deliberate lies and deceptions. Find someone who would never do this to you. They exist. She's not the one. This doesnt pass the wife test, or even the girlfriend test, or even the why bother test. Good luck!
You're mom and he will get in trouble. Telling mandated reporters is your only protection right now. If you can get a recording of him doing the song or singing it in front of your mom. You can also report him to the FBI, if he is acting like this with you he most likely has bad things regarding kids on his computer.
The drinking didn't cause it. She had this planned.
Just kick her back to the street where she belongs.
If I was you I’d download all the pics/videos and leave
As someone that grew up with an alcoholic and lives with one currently thus is not the same. Going out to party on occasions and alcoholism are very different. Is it abusing alcohol in the night. Yes it is. I have done it many times. Did not drink to get rid of problems. Went out to have a good time and would easily drink 8 drinks in two hours. Had a ride home at the end of the night and may. It have done it again fir a couple weeks. Very different. I’m 49 years old and on rare occasions still go to hang out with a couple old friends and get a d&d because will will relive old times. Having several drinks in a short time. We always lie wen to slow down and when to go to bed. Absolution no one around me would ever consider it alcoholism. We do not need a program to stop. We wake up next day and function as normal until the next event that we decide we want to let loose at. Any drinking at all that may fall in between us just a social drink or 2 over a coupe of hours which is also weeks in between. Huge difference . We always know what we can handle sone people can not do this. Sone people have a tendency dit alcohol dependency and sone people are not dépendant but feel the need to drink daily. That is alcoholism. They cannot go a day without alcohol. Others are simply using it to have fun with friends. Yes they can go too far. Needing help like you say. No they just need to know that they cannot drink that much if they are getting black out drunk. I have not been black out drunk since I was in my early 20’s
Yes.
Thanks, I actually ended up messaging him really clearly about it and you're right, he denied it. I was second guessing guessing myself into thinking I'd had the signals all wrong, so appreciate this.
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“Open and honest”
Sis, it sounds like there’s a lot being withheld from you.
I want you to imagine you’re sitting across the table from your best friend and she tells you
“I believe caught my bf emotionally cheating on me, along with some new behavior, and he refuses to show his messages. He tells me that what I want is incorrect, and will actually upset me more. What should I do?”
THATS what you do. Personally, I think you’re naive if you think that’s what it is
The thing about recovering from any kind of cheating, you really lose a right to privacy for a bit. That type of betrayal requires a large amount of effort and transparency
Both my recent exs were in love with their boy besties but couldn’t sleep or fuck them cuz they guys didn’t think they were pretty enough ?? No matter what you did or didn’t do you’ll never be enough to someone who doesn’t value you. Get out asap, cuz she’s probably been playing & using you the entire time she’s known him.
I’m not saying her behavior makes sense, but why not at least move the cat bowls. That’s the bare minimum and hasn’t been done.
So pleased I could help! Take care now.
This is a question only you can answer
Just ask yourself why do you want to stay with her? Short term placeholder providing sex and good company cuz you don’t want to be alone? If so, don’t drag her along wasting her time, it’s not fair to her and you’ll surly feel like a Dick head
That is just sad. 🙁
Really bro?! Like actually!?
I would suggest just going LC or NC for a while. Your dad is a a bully.
Hang out with her one more time. At a restaurant or bar. And send a bunch of texts to that person, while she is next to you. See if she checks her phone. Or gets any notifications.
You could also say something really really nasty about her in the text, to see if she has a reaction to it.
People are understanding these days especially if its an abusive relationship. Don't think about others. Save urself. Don't get back with him unless you like getting beaten up.
And not couple's therapy, OP! Do not seek couple's therapy with an abuser, and she is an abuser.
He might wanna stock up on dna tests
Listen man, don't cheat. The only thing you can do is have really honest nude conversations, but make sure you are talking about how it makes you feel, not about whats not happening or making accusations.
Don't get into blame, don't get into trying to figure her out, that's her job not yours. But you have every right to demand she be honest and direct and share her feelings both about sex in general but also about how she feels about having sex with you personally.
Don't listen to the blame game that you have gotten so far. If she is not satisfied about your sex life or your household chores or whatever, that's on her to communicate. Not yours to guess what other special combination of things you need to do to save your marriage.
If she doesn't care or can't communicate, the only thing you can really do is propose solutions to ensure both of your needs are met and one of those might be divorce.
It's not hypocritical unless you have guy friends who are being touchy and verbally flirty. I'm guessing you don't, and they don't, and that makes the comparison moot.
The second paragraph here makes no sense. If you trust him to control himself, she wouldn't be able to seduce him. If she can seduce him, he can't control himself. Get it?
Used and damaged… unfortunately, all around the world, most women have been both used and damaged. I think the numbers are like 80%? Ironically, my firm belief is that young men and boys probably have similar statistics but are discouraged from complaining. The things that are done to us aren’t our fault but we are the ones who carry the load and suffer the consequences. I’ve had to come clean about similar trauma. It did change things for a minute, he was overly protective and very gentle during our encounters but eventually things went back to normal. It dod cause some intense self reflection about his past and behaviours he used to tolerate from friends. But it didn’t harm us. I hope it helps knowing that most ladies (and many men) have survived this horrific conversation. Sending you any spare strength I have today!
You have to be honest. She’s not an idiot. There’s no way of asking her to get tested without revealing why.
Men do that shit all the time?it’s really not a big deal if that happened to my gf I wouldn’t be like “omg another guy made her cum?”
This diet is a one way ticket to type 2 diabetes
For a nanosecond, before I read his next sentence, I thought de pession had something to do with fish . . .
Tell her the truth. I know it will hurt her feelings, but you have to tell her you just can't take it and suggest adopting if you really want another.
You're saying yourself that he's not serious about you…so why are you doubting what I'm telling you? He doesn't want you at his….he wants the freedom to visit you for sex and that way, he can leave when he likes…if you're at his, then it's different.
What the fuck?
so your dad normally tries to sabotage your relationship? why? has he always done this or is just with this gf? do you realise that he absolutely 100% gave you a hickey so your gf would believe you cheated on her, right?
God you are annoying
Yep, lots of relationships like that. You both respect each other, that's very good.
All relationships are risky and can fall apart with time, regardless of whether political beliefs align or not. If you guys respect each other and agree on the big things that are relevant to your life, like how to raise kids etc, then I don't see why it can't work out.
If there are any views in particular you're worried about, talk to him about it. That's the only way, really.
break up and leave no questions like if that was me i’m not getting disrespected, he is NOT stupid.
Mine just ripped the first time I did it and I guess I ripped it enough it’s never caused me issues lol
Nah, he's just afraid to lose everything in the way and keeps you as a backup option. He doesn't love you. Don't look back you made the good choice
Right! Like what the fuck is there to fight for?!
Bf as in best friend Or boyfriend? I'm confused.
Either way your bf is shitty for keeping in contact with the ghoster and becoming friends with them.
My friend did “In lieu of presents please consider a donation to X.” which I thought was very tasteful
I do care for my kids and parents I love them all, but at the end of the day I'm the adult and he's the kid if I want MY BOYFRIEND to move in he is more than welcome too
The dogs need to be outside and he needs to be taken care of their messes until you can get them to a vet and have them assessed. That is if it's safe for them to be outside, etc.
So, two weeks before period, one week period, that leaves you with, what, one week? When you're feeling undisturbed by cycle-induced hormonal changes?
Yeah he sure did. I like your POV. Psychiatry has come up with too many ways for so many people to rationalize and mislabel what used to be just plain assholery and meanness
You deserve someone who trusts you and respects you enough to fully communicate any problems. If this is how shes acting with false information, do you believe she will be able to communicate better once you're married? She won't. She has shown you who she truly is, believe her, leave her, and find someone who respects you
Unfortunately it wasn't him who told her, she got a random FB message from someone neither of us know, all very strange
I will say, you do a lot of growing and changing during college. You both will not be the same people in a few years.
Try living separately. Go to classes, get invited to parties, make time for dates with your boyfriend.
You will have such freedom to figure yourselves out these next few years. Don’t rush into relationship milestones before you both are ready and enthusiastic about it.
If you do, you will get resentful of him for not bringing the same energy to the relationship and he will be mad at you for pressuring him when he’s not ready.
Let things happen naturally. If it doesn’t work out, then it just means he wasn’t the right match.
Please do not adopt any more pets ever thank you. – animals and animal people everywhere
If someone who was in a lower socioeconomic bracket went through your expenses they'd say the same thing about things you purchased. You own an apple product? That's a lot of money to spend on a tech, just because movies and ads sold you the idea of buying an apple.
Again, it may be a lot of money for you, but that doesn't mean it's a lot of money objectively.
Particularly when she's about to spend 10's of thousands of dollars of her inheritance on a wedding and hundreds of thousands of dollars on a home.
She's not basing her entire relationship on a ring. She's demanding that a man who's about to get hundreds of thousands of dollars, give her something worth $7k in return. That is not an unreasonable request.
Frankly, if she showed her friends and family this post, they'd likely tell her not to marry him. If he doesn't think she's worth spending the paltry sum of $7k on her and feels the need to whine on reddit about it.
Please OP listen to this advice. Get out while you can.