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Sarra Rhies, 30 y.o.
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Date: October 30, 2022
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I was in a similar situation to you, apart from I was in your girlfriend's shoes. I had a really horrible relationship was I was a similar age to you, but weirdly we managed to end on fairly good terms and became friends afterwards and started hanging out more as friends than we ever did when in a relationship. When we were dating he was really horrible to me, and I'd spoken quite openly about some of the nasty things he did (eg refusing to leave my room the night before one of my uni exams, and sitting on the bed masturbating while I tried to study, as he point blank refused to leave). My friends all knew a lot of details about the way he treated me, but I hadn't tackled or spoken about some of the worst bits. There was one night when we were in his house and he started initiating sex and I really didn't feel like it, and I kind of just went completely still and quiet and didn't move, and he just had sex with me anyway. And then afterwards he was really angry at me and said that it 'was like having sex with a doll'. And he wouldn't speak to me for a couple of days, because the sex had been bad. Years later I started thinking about that night, and the implications of it. I wouldn't use the R word, because I knew it would be impossible to prove, would stigmatise myself, and could come back to hurt me. I did, however, start talking about what had happened, without using the R word. And yeah, the ex, who had become my friend, was absolutely furious at me, blocked me on everything, took half our mutual friends with him. He never denied it. He just said that I shouldn't be accusing him of rape. I didn't use the R word. Precisely because I knew I couldn't accuse somebody of that and that you could interpret what happened in different ways. But I did start talking about the precise sequence of events as I remembered them. It was pretty horrible really, I lost about half of our mutual friends, who went with him. But tbh I needed to tackle this and not have him in my life anymore. Even though he treated me with respect as a friend, he'd treated me so horrendously as a girlfriend that I needed to get some self-respect and cut him out.
He was not being considered. He only cared about himself. He didn't want to use a condom because HE likes it better.
Hooking up with nobody else is irrelevant! The number of posts on this sub of people who had STDs for years and didn't know or didn't do anything about it???? Men tend to have less symptoms or no symptoms for a number of STDs so he could very well have an STD even if he didn't hook up with someone else during that same week. And why would you even believe him?
At least you now know why his relationship with his ex didn't work out. He is immature and basically a jerk.
I wouldn't bother with the ex, I'm sure she knows he is trash, which is why she dumped him. You two weren't even official, so no need to keep anything alive by bringing it to her attention and keeping the feelings there of betrayal.
It’s time for radical honesty. You owe it to both of you.
You could simply hand her this post. It pretty much sums up your feelings.
What she needs to know is that opening the relationship has changed how you see her. That you are no longer attracted to her the same way.
Where you go from there is up to the two of you. It may be fixable and it may not. But if the two of you are to try fixing it the relationship needs closing right now. Some of what she’s been doing you could do together so it’s lot like you want to put her in a box. But if there is any chance for you to find her attractive again and want to move toward marriage there is no room for anyone else.
Please have that conversation. She’s already primed for it as you’ve told her you’re not looking forward to a future with her. Tell her you want to explain that.
Or just had her your phone and have her look at this post.
Oh hell no.
Dude, I know you are only 19 but you need to start recognizing batshit crazy behavior and then avoid it. THIS. THIS IS batshit crazy behavior. Run.
You split up for a reason. Try to remember that… I'm sure she does.
That's clearly not all you did. These hangouts you have, have lead to this make out.
Then tell her this is exactly what this means. She wants to control you dude I would leave her as this will not work out well for you.
For an added thought you took back the ring because you heard different info from someone else without confirming it? Idk if you know but women can be brutal, especially “friends”. You might think she’d have no reason to lie but it happens among girls all the time. Plus unless she watched she can’t actually know what your gf did or didn’t do with guys.
Why were you discussing the amount of partners your gf has with anyone? Because that’s a really, really dumb thing to be doing. First, because it’s none of the third parties business.
Second, it’s completely invasive of you to be discussing your gf’s sex life without her knowing.
Has it occurred to you that the roommate might be lying? Or were they present for every single encounter?
You need to leave your gf alone and just let her find someone who isn’t so sad.
Can’t buy a veggie burger for under 40 Swiss franc (something like $55 usd) crazy expensive and almost impossible to gain citizenship. OP if you move to Switzerland or France your child will not be a citizen even if born there just FYI
Have you talked to him about it? He definitely sounds ignorant about dogs, and not open to learning from your experience. That's bad. But you know that dogs and puppies can be very frustrating. There's also shit tons of bad training advice and information out there that would encourage aversive training methods. Everybody makes mistakes sometimes. If he's sincerely remorseful, can see how wrong he was, and wishes to do better, could you see a path forward with him?
Bro, take the phone back. Simple. Or stop paying and block her. If it doesn’t affect your credit etc then I would really stop it all.
As a person who's easily manipulated, thank you for this, I'm so lost lately.
Your husband may have autism and adhd, but that doesn’t excuse him being a massive asshole. I have autism and adhd, too, but I don’t treat my husband like this. You are being abused.
Wait… he just isn't replying? For less than 24 hours or more than?
I often advise:
Do not take a lack of communication as communication.
Ie: he could be asleep, puking his guts out, drunk, in the shower, have a dead phone, in a dead zone…
Funny story: about 8? Years ago, I was asleep in the sleeper birth of a semi when my co-driver rolled the rig at about 1AM. We were on I-65 between Nashville and Louisville. This happened to be an hour+ dead zone in both his carrier (Cricket) and mine (Verizon). We had only minor injuries and used the tow truck driver's cell phone to let our dispatcher know. By the time we were leaving the scene, we knew where we would be staying the night. The next day, we were sending texts but not getting responses (tests showed 'sent'). We texted our dispatch, I texted my wife… nothing. We tried to borrow a phone, but the helpful service desk person politely declined. The room phone would be like $0.99 a minute. We used it to call the 1-800 number and got a rental car to pick us up the next day. We got the car, drove to our home state. As we entered the Nashville area, my phone received over 30 voice messages of increasing panic from my wife. I called her… she had just gotten about 10 texts from me explaining we were hurt but OK, were stuck where we couldn't call but to text, a plea for her to text me back, frustration about being stuck another day, excitement to get a rental car, assurance I'd call her in an hour, frustration about rush hour traffic…
For about a day and a half, my wife thought I might be dead.
Moral: Never accept a lack of communication as communication.
Oh, co-driver actually had a cracked foot bone and I had a sub-deltoid effusion (pool of fluid near my shoulder) took some physical therapy…
Pls add spaces in your post it makes it far more readable
Hes already been cheating. He just wanted you to agree to cheat too. File for divorce
I would not buy a house with someone that I'm not married to, I know that many people do this but it's never a good idea IMO, too many issues crop up not the least the one where you end up breaking up and either having to sell the home or buying the other person out..Don't feel resentment towards your partner feel thankful, at least IMO.
I would be more concerned if there was a divorce, guarantee she would end your parental rights. It’s her child/ren. That no good family would be the first to help her do that. Yeah no!
The fact you didn’t trust him enough to tell him hurt his feelings. People are not rational about sex. Don’t chase him. Let him come back when he’s ready, might be never. If he does not come back then find a new guy.
He's an asshole, just forget him. I wonder if he did this as an excuse to break up with him? Cause like you said it makes no sense for him to act as if you've never told him that it hurts when he fingers you. And now lately he's started to be adamant about it? And then freaks out talking about how he needs space???? Uhm??? Idk, but that's suspicious cause he can't be that frealibg silly.
Texting is not for relationship building. Call her and have a proper chat. Texts are for logistics, funny jokes, or grocery lists.
Taking a trip alone is not, on its face, problematic to me. My partner and I take vacays together and alone or with friends. That’s not odd to me at all.
What IS odd is that he didn’t discuss it with you if you two online together and have a child. Heck, even without a child—who just books first and informs later? And if he booked it while you were broken up, why didn’t he tell you before now?
Paired with the rest of the nonsense, this just doesn’t sound sustainable.