He said if you cheated on him, he would break up and move on. It doesn't mean he wouldn't be hurt by it, it doesn't mean he doesn't care. It just sounds like a realistic, rational answer.
Not everyone has a flair for the dramatic, especially in hypothetical situations.
If you ask someone, what would you do if you tripped and broke your arm? One answer could just be, “I'd go to doctor and get x-ray and a cast”. Another answer could be, “oh man I'd be so sad because I wouldn't be able to go swimming, it's gonna be so annoying being at work with a cast on, when I get an itch in a place I can't reach it would be sooo annoying fml, my arm will probably be so weak for a while after I get cast off, hope there's no lasting damage, etc etc etc”. Doesn't mean one of these people cares more or less than the other it's just a different way of handling it mentally.
You don't just forget the event that led to such a big break UNLESS you don't care.
Doormats/codependents/people pleasers at OPs level do this thing where they minimize and block out events in their memory so that they can pretend to have peace and the proverbial boat will stop rocking. They will believe ANYTHING that allows that state to be achieved. It's not exactly “not caring”, it's that their coping mechanism has removed the event entirely, blocked it out for their comfort.
It is fucking maddening to be around and I had a recovered one explain it to me.
Sorry your husband is the AH as you were overweight when you met him and if he didn't like your body weight why go out with you in the first place. I think he is adding to your self esteem issues and I think he's annoyed you have finally lost the weight as I think he never thought you would . He can't even be happy for you and now he's ruining your achievement by saying you won't keep it off . As someone who goes up and down in weight due to a medical condition my husband has always loved my body and never criticises it and that's what loving someone is about. The best weight to lose is your husbands weight and I can guarantee you your self esteem will improve.
i've been burned a lot before for trusting someone when i felt they were wrong about a fact
I think this is your hang-up. There are some situations (maybe in the instances you were burned before), where correct information is vital. If someone collapses, and another bystander is trying to BS you about how to properly give CPR, then it is vital that you get to the bottom of it and/or stick to your guns. In many other situations, like the one you described and many in other social settings, a little inaccuracy is harmless.
Honestly, I see a lot of myself in your post. On top of what I said, I also have a tendency to generate a framework in my head that allows me to broaden how important being right it; shit like “what if I trust this, it becomes a misconception in my head, then I am trust it at some, more important situation in the future?”. In the end, just follow the old “trust, but verify” adage, and, this is important, do the “but verify” part later when you're not together
A paternity test that proves that your husband is the father is no guarantee that infidelity has not taken place. On your part or on his. It’s not so much about the paternity but more about the breakdown of trust in your relationship, obviously through no action of yours.
If you do agree to do the paternity test, I’d insist that when the results show he is the father, that he then has to agree to counseling to deal with his trust issues if he hopes to continue with the marriage. If he refuses, then I’m afraid the marriage may be irrevocably broken, because you can’t trust that he’s willing to deal with his own issues.
What I would do is obviously not what what you're doing there dude. She's married. End of story. Are you sure one of you weren't lazy whilst walking on a carpet and that's where the 'energy' came from? Good grief there. Put the pony back in their stall.
I can appreciate that you're trying to convince yourself that you gave her your number for 'professional' purposes, but that dog ain't going to hunt since you're bordering on (if not already knee deep in) having an emotional affair with a married women. I stay away from people who are in exclusive and / or monogamous relationships. You, obviously don't. What draws you to a fuckable woman who is in a committed relationship? Her sad story about how she has a crap marriage? Then why is she still in said marriage? Why hasn't she introduced you to her husband so he knows she's a shit cheater since her marriage doesn't matter to her anyway?
You might want to try a different sub to get your 'attaboys' and your 'she's the married one, you're not doing anything wrong's. You know what you should have done a long time ago. You chose not to. Billions of people on the planet. My advice is to tell her to lose your number, stop being a shit person, and for yourself? Be a better person.
Given how you've been together this many years and from young age there is no advice that works 100% and immediately when something like this happens and with these types of relationships.
Start working on yourself, mentally and psychically, go out with your friends, then ones that you are still in contact with, go do something crazy like jumping with a parachute (be careful though 🙂 ). Give yourself time to heal in every aspect. Once a new person comes into your life make sure to not bring in that burden or that mental aspect of yours from this relationship but rather be fair and square. Don't allow anyone to step on you or mentally abuse you.
This relationship is not worth reaching out unless you are a masochist.
Right, but at this point i know him pretty well and he's pretty close off emotionally/finds it hot to be vulnerable. I know for a fact that his response would be super light, something like “i'm not sure” or “oh, it's just a joke”, basically trying to avoid the discussion, topic.
Sure, but as mentioned, this is about his long term reaction. He can still cut his parents off, however, it says that he has poor coping skills and doesn’t see his parents as people, but rather, a projection of what he believes they should be. It also makes me wonder how he sees others and what he projects upon them. Their only crime is ethical non monogamy.
This is a joke right?? You basically just admitted to being a pedophile or groomer or whatever tf… like you were 24 and thought “oh yeah this high schooler looks like a good choice to date” leave “xer” alone and go figure out your life
I'm sorry you lived throught that! OP this is a gift! While she can be nice, she can also be toxic crazy! Are you willing to put up with her crazy side for years to come or if you marry her, for life?? The craziness only gets worst with time not better! This is where you leave her alone and ne thankful she left.
The Fuck? Where did you concoct that narrative from? Make sure to stretch before you reach like that, you’ll pull something.
Op: you are taking the sister thing, specifically wrong, the way you phrased it, she had unconfirmed plans at night with her sister, you asked to extend your plans. She said she would check on the plans she had already made, what would you want her to do if the roles were reversed? You don’t want her to be the girlfriend that breaks plans with loved ones last minute for you, it’s not healthy And controlling and her loved ones will think you are an asshole.
Conversely, her sister has predicting plans with her boyfriend. Either way don’t break plans with people last minute, that’s the worst kind of friend/family/partner.
Also you guys are in your mid/late twenties, move out.
You have not stated anything about his behavior that would indicate anything other than him being helpful. My first thought was that he just wants to make sure you are home safe, rather than making sure you don’t go home with someone else and cheat on him.
Giving people that we care about rides is just what normal people do.
I think u should text the guy first and let him know u don’t hate him for it and that it’s okay ? he’s most likely extremely embarrassed and waiting for u to reach out to him.
Absolutely none of that is normal. None of it. The $700 trips when you need a car? No. The video games? No. The lack of personal freedom? No. The calls that last longer than most people sleep a night? No. Full unwavering attention for those hours? No.
When she moves closer, the full brunt of her abuse will unfold. You're being controlled. I don't know what your family modeled for you as to healthy relationships, but I'm guessing you didn't see much of those. Asking here is a good start toward learning what is healthy. Keep going.
I dunno I didn’t see that in your post. But you’re giving this so much time and energy. Clearly you just want us to tell you to yes say something. But none of us would because that’s incredibly cringe worthy unless this happens all the time. If you want to say something say something but at this point you know how she rolls so either take it or leave it. Don’t put yourself in situations where you need to split with people who don’t have the same policy you do when it comes to splitting things.
That’s really mean! Military training is extremely tough! She should be proud of you! Not putting you down! It’s a very honourable thing for you to be doing!!
Yeah, right. I get it might be hot to hear about the one night stands, but you can’t let someone’s past effect how you see them now. It’s about the here and now and the kind of person they are towards you now. The amount of sexual partners doesn’t define someone. Noting that in the here and now, she seems like a horrible person! Someone that only cares for herself!
I totally understand about the miscarriage/relationship. That would hurt anyone! I would find it very hot to move past that and get back with someone. Especially considering how she is treating you! You deserve way better! Don’t settle for anyone! She is behaving in a very flippant manner, and that isn’t the kind of person I would ever want to be with!
Pro Tip for dealing with someone insecure like her who will never be happy with any answer you give her: Whenever she asks about your ex(es), just keep repeating “I don't remember.” patiently. Even if it takes thousands of times.
if you don’t leave your current husband you’re just as bad as both him and your ex. poor child’s going to have major issues real soon if you don’t get your shit together
Consulates don’t help people to find a new place to on-line because their partner is behaving verbally abusively. If you were being physically beaten up on, maybe. In natural disasters / war scenarios etc, yes. Otherwise it’s up to you. And Salamander, you need to leave this dude, he’s awful abusive. If you don’t want to return to your own country, (do you even want to stay in that country?) could you find a live-in nanny job? I wouldn’t tell yr abusive bf that you’re breaking up or leaving, wouldn’t tell him anything. Be polite & ‘act normal’, get everything ready, just leave when he’s out & don’t look back. Stay safe! Check out some Domestic Violence resources live!, to get ideas of how to exit / escape an abusive relationship. Just because they’re not physically beating you doesn’t mean it’s not abuse. Take care, stay safe, good luck!
She should be the one to move out if she can’t grow up and deal with it. Definitely bring it to the group if she won’t let it slide.
He said if you cheated on him, he would break up and move on. It doesn't mean he wouldn't be hurt by it, it doesn't mean he doesn't care. It just sounds like a realistic, rational answer.
Not everyone has a flair for the dramatic, especially in hypothetical situations.
If you ask someone, what would you do if you tripped and broke your arm? One answer could just be, “I'd go to doctor and get x-ray and a cast”. Another answer could be, “oh man I'd be so sad because I wouldn't be able to go swimming, it's gonna be so annoying being at work with a cast on, when I get an itch in a place I can't reach it would be sooo annoying fml, my arm will probably be so weak for a while after I get cast off, hope there's no lasting damage, etc etc etc”. Doesn't mean one of these people cares more or less than the other it's just a different way of handling it mentally.
Bingo.
…and I will add that Cats….yes even Cats……can be taught “good housekeeping”.
It has to be reasonable and it has to be consistent.
I have had bunches of folks who have had this situation…(usually with dogs)….
and the answer is always the same.
1.) Identify a reasonable division of labor… (care)
2.) Set a reasonable trial period.
One month is common tho I usually press for 90 days.
3.) Three “violations” is the cut-off and they are re-homed.
Pretty simple.
You don't just forget the event that led to such a big break UNLESS you don't care.
Doormats/codependents/people pleasers at OPs level do this thing where they minimize and block out events in their memory so that they can pretend to have peace and the proverbial boat will stop rocking. They will believe ANYTHING that allows that state to be achieved. It's not exactly “not caring”, it's that their coping mechanism has removed the event entirely, blocked it out for their comfort.
It is fucking maddening to be around and I had a recovered one explain it to me.
Sorry your husband is the AH as you were overweight when you met him and if he didn't like your body weight why go out with you in the first place. I think he is adding to your self esteem issues and I think he's annoyed you have finally lost the weight as I think he never thought you would . He can't even be happy for you and now he's ruining your achievement by saying you won't keep it off . As someone who goes up and down in weight due to a medical condition my husband has always loved my body and never criticises it and that's what loving someone is about. The best weight to lose is your husbands weight and I can guarantee you your self esteem will improve.
I think the answer probably lies with her messaging – if you have an open phone policy, I'd review her recent texts to see what is going on.
Because you're awesome
This is too much pressure to put on a new/soon-to-be mother.
i've been burned a lot before for trusting someone when i felt they were wrong about a fact
I think this is your hang-up. There are some situations (maybe in the instances you were burned before), where correct information is vital. If someone collapses, and another bystander is trying to BS you about how to properly give CPR, then it is vital that you get to the bottom of it and/or stick to your guns. In many other situations, like the one you described and many in other social settings, a little inaccuracy is harmless.
Honestly, I see a lot of myself in your post. On top of what I said, I also have a tendency to generate a framework in my head that allows me to broaden how important being right it; shit like “what if I trust this, it becomes a misconception in my head, then I am trust it at some, more important situation in the future?”. In the end, just follow the old “trust, but verify” adage, and, this is important, do the “but verify” part later when you're not together
A paternity test that proves that your husband is the father is no guarantee that infidelity has not taken place. On your part or on his. It’s not so much about the paternity but more about the breakdown of trust in your relationship, obviously through no action of yours.
If you do agree to do the paternity test, I’d insist that when the results show he is the father, that he then has to agree to counseling to deal with his trust issues if he hopes to continue with the marriage. If he refuses, then I’m afraid the marriage may be irrevocably broken, because you can’t trust that he’s willing to deal with his own issues.
Advice: Stop posting stupid, made-up stuff on reddit.
Yes it does especially for young men.
Absolutely tell her before the banquet.
What I would do is obviously not what what you're doing there dude. She's married. End of story. Are you sure one of you weren't lazy whilst walking on a carpet and that's where the 'energy' came from? Good grief there. Put the pony back in their stall.
I can appreciate that you're trying to convince yourself that you gave her your number for 'professional' purposes, but that dog ain't going to hunt since you're bordering on (if not already knee deep in) having an emotional affair with a married women. I stay away from people who are in exclusive and / or monogamous relationships. You, obviously don't. What draws you to a fuckable woman who is in a committed relationship? Her sad story about how she has a crap marriage? Then why is she still in said marriage? Why hasn't she introduced you to her husband so he knows she's a shit cheater since her marriage doesn't matter to her anyway?
You might want to try a different sub to get your 'attaboys' and your 'she's the married one, you're not doing anything wrong's. You know what you should have done a long time ago. You chose not to. Billions of people on the planet. My advice is to tell her to lose your number, stop being a shit person, and for yourself? Be a better person.
Given how you've been together this many years and from young age there is no advice that works 100% and immediately when something like this happens and with these types of relationships.
Start working on yourself, mentally and psychically, go out with your friends, then ones that you are still in contact with, go do something crazy like jumping with a parachute (be careful though 🙂 ). Give yourself time to heal in every aspect. Once a new person comes into your life make sure to not bring in that burden or that mental aspect of yours from this relationship but rather be fair and square. Don't allow anyone to step on you or mentally abuse you.
This relationship is not worth reaching out unless you are a masochist.
Right, but at this point i know him pretty well and he's pretty close off emotionally/finds it hot to be vulnerable. I know for a fact that his response would be super light, something like “i'm not sure” or “oh, it's just a joke”, basically trying to avoid the discussion, topic.
On top of that, in the post she doesn't even specify who she's talking about. That was left completely out of her words
Give the man what he wants. Don't let him think that he can manipulate you with this very, very tired game.
Sure, but as mentioned, this is about his long term reaction. He can still cut his parents off, however, it says that he has poor coping skills and doesn’t see his parents as people, but rather, a projection of what he believes they should be. It also makes me wonder how he sees others and what he projects upon them. Their only crime is ethical non monogamy.
Cutting off your parents/no longer associating with them IS emotional blackmail.
You’re holding your relationship with your parents hostage unless they do what you want. It’s no different than cutting off a child who’s gay.
It’s not just an extreme reaction, it’s wrong.
This is a joke right?? You basically just admitted to being a pedophile or groomer or whatever tf… like you were 24 and thought “oh yeah this high schooler looks like a good choice to date” leave “xer” alone and go figure out your life
You’re gross for dating a child! I’m glad xhe left you!
Guys like this need a woman to make them a pot of grits, Madea style.
Im 29 and wouldnt date a 24 year old. Too much age difference
I'm sorry you lived throught that! OP this is a gift! While she can be nice, she can also be toxic crazy! Are you willing to put up with her crazy side for years to come or if you marry her, for life?? The craziness only gets worst with time not better! This is where you leave her alone and ne thankful she left.
The Fuck? Where did you concoct that narrative from? Make sure to stretch before you reach like that, you’ll pull something.
Op: you are taking the sister thing, specifically wrong, the way you phrased it, she had unconfirmed plans at night with her sister, you asked to extend your plans. She said she would check on the plans she had already made, what would you want her to do if the roles were reversed? You don’t want her to be the girlfriend that breaks plans with loved ones last minute for you, it’s not healthy And controlling and her loved ones will think you are an asshole.
Conversely, her sister has predicting plans with her boyfriend. Either way don’t break plans with people last minute, that’s the worst kind of friend/family/partner.
Also you guys are in your mid/late twenties, move out.
You have not stated anything about his behavior that would indicate anything other than him being helpful. My first thought was that he just wants to make sure you are home safe, rather than making sure you don’t go home with someone else and cheat on him.
Giving people that we care about rides is just what normal people do.
If they were given to you and you wish to burn them, Maybe it will, in a way close out that part of you.
Many find a form of closure from doing things like this.
Lol it’s not an answer… I asked for input not judgement. Don’t raise children if you think that two are the same.
I think u should text the guy first and let him know u don’t hate him for it and that it’s okay ? he’s most likely extremely embarrassed and waiting for u to reach out to him.
He is saving at least photos of type girls. This is enough to have him investigated. Chances are excellent he has also child porn hidden there.
Absolutely none of that is normal. None of it. The $700 trips when you need a car? No. The video games? No. The lack of personal freedom? No. The calls that last longer than most people sleep a night? No. Full unwavering attention for those hours? No.
When she moves closer, the full brunt of her abuse will unfold. You're being controlled. I don't know what your family modeled for you as to healthy relationships, but I'm guessing you didn't see much of those. Asking here is a good start toward learning what is healthy. Keep going.
I dunno I didn’t see that in your post. But you’re giving this so much time and energy. Clearly you just want us to tell you to yes say something. But none of us would because that’s incredibly cringe worthy unless this happens all the time. If you want to say something say something but at this point you know how she rolls so either take it or leave it. Don’t put yourself in situations where you need to split with people who don’t have the same policy you do when it comes to splitting things.
So because she wants to control what he can or can't think about, that's ok? Again, reverse and tell me it's ok for him to control her.
That’s really mean! Military training is extremely tough! She should be proud of you! Not putting you down! It’s a very honourable thing for you to be doing!!
Yeah, right. I get it might be hot to hear about the one night stands, but you can’t let someone’s past effect how you see them now. It’s about the here and now and the kind of person they are towards you now. The amount of sexual partners doesn’t define someone. Noting that in the here and now, she seems like a horrible person! Someone that only cares for herself!
I totally understand about the miscarriage/relationship. That would hurt anyone! I would find it very hot to move past that and get back with someone. Especially considering how she is treating you! You deserve way better! Don’t settle for anyone! She is behaving in a very flippant manner, and that isn’t the kind of person I would ever want to be with!
Just saying it’s not necessarily prescription or black market, in some places it’s perfectly legal to buy without a prescription.
Pro Tip for dealing with someone insecure like her who will never be happy with any answer you give her: Whenever she asks about your ex(es), just keep repeating “I don't remember.” patiently. Even if it takes thousands of times.
I shudder to imagine what he'd do if they had daughters.
if you don’t leave your current husband you’re just as bad as both him and your ex. poor child’s going to have major issues real soon if you don’t get your shit together
Consulates don’t help people to find a new place to on-line because their partner is behaving verbally abusively. If you were being physically beaten up on, maybe. In natural disasters / war scenarios etc, yes. Otherwise it’s up to you. And Salamander, you need to leave this dude, he’s awful abusive. If you don’t want to return to your own country, (do you even want to stay in that country?) could you find a live-in nanny job? I wouldn’t tell yr abusive bf that you’re breaking up or leaving, wouldn’t tell him anything. Be polite & ‘act normal’, get everything ready, just leave when he’s out & don’t look back. Stay safe! Check out some Domestic Violence resources live!, to get ideas of how to exit / escape an abusive relationship. Just because they’re not physically beating you doesn’t mean it’s not abuse. Take care, stay safe, good luck!
LMAO this is so hilarious
Call your family, please. It’s time to prove why blood is thicker than water. Best of lucks ?? and I wish your health improves soon.
He’s actually exceptionally clean lol
i totally agree with you and thats what i told her too. time will come when it will crash on her head