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Date: October 6, 2022
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See a therapist for your daddy issues.
This may get lost in the comments but I feel you on this one. My parents separated when I was 15 because my dad had an affair with his high school sweetheart. It was really a rough time. My younger sister didn’t understand and my mom was a wreck. I remember that I had to take care of my mom and my sister during that time. My mom wouldn’t eat or bathe. Barely leave her room. I had to be sure my sister was taken care of and made it to school all the while making sure my no didn’t wither away in her room. Eventually, my dad came back (we found out about the whole thing when he went on a “fishing trip”. After we found out, he stayed away for another 5 months). He asked me if I wanted to move across the country with him and his new wife. I said yes.
Even now, years later, my mom is still very very bitter. She has gotten over the depressed stage and moved on to the angry stage. She blames him for everything and everything that goes wrong or has gone wrong is all his fault. My sister and I both still have a relationship with him but it’s like walking on eggshells with my mom. I can’t ever tell her details or anything about it or she will get extremely upset and shut me out. Honestly, I think the only reason my mom hasn’t given my sister and I the same ultimatum your mom gave to you is because she is afraid we wouldn’t choose her.
I love my mom, as I’m sure you love yours. But her forcing you to make this choice is extremely unfair and stems from her anger and insecurities. Yes, it’s awful that he cheated but he is still your father and if you want a relationship with him, that’s on you. Not her.
With this, there isn’t any good choice. Personally, if I were in your shoes, I wouldn’t even make one. I would try and talk with my No and if that doesn’t work and she pulls away, let her. She’s angry and eventually that will subside. Just continue to be open to her and let her know that you still love her. Don’t cut off your dad. Let her know that both of them are important to you.
I wish you luck with all this. Im still dealing with my situation and I’m 27. It’s been over 10 years. It won’t get any easier but I have had to draw some boundary lines with her. Your relationship with your mom will be different than mine so only you know what’s best.