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Date: December 31, 2022
Ew.
Its 2 guys
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Why would you find that funny?
Lol.. Yeah. Break up with guy. It’s in your best interest.
Live and learn. Don’t get so drunk you post weird snaps. I would just be forward with your boyfriend and then… not do stuff like this again
Yeah, as someone else pointed out – your post is about how much you made her who she is now. It’s all about how YOU changed her life, how beneficial YOU are to her without realising that it was HER that had to work for it. It was HER with the trauma, it was HER that had to push herself. You merely encouraged it. This post alone makes me think that you don’t help her to help her, you do it because you like to get recognition for your efforts. A saviour complex if you will. None of your post is congratulatory towards what she’s done and how amazing it is she’s achieved what she has. It’s you you you. If this is how you come across on one post, I worry that you’re much worse in person and bring it up to her about how much YOUVE done to better her life off. When you keep having to tell someone you’ve helped them, it’s no longer helpful. It’s holding it over their head and reminding them they’d basically be nothing without you.
Move out now. She watches TV because she is almost 50! Not many 50 year old women like gaming. You aren’t even 25 and gaming is what people your age do. There is no way to compromise. You have already lost 3 years of your 20s. Please don’t lose any more. Even if you think she is the love of your life, this is not a compatible relationship. No normal 45 year old dates a 21 year old, man or woman. Don’t give up your youth. It will only get worse. And when your brain fully matures when you are 27, you will see why this is wrong.
There is nothing anyone on Reddit can say to you to fix this. You need to:
See an anger management therapist.
See a doctor to see if it is a medical or hormonal issue.
If you do not do these things, your partner will eventually solve the problem himself by dumping you and moving out.
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So he was taking about her own friend ? That it’s horrible ? you know how insecure his ex gf it’s going to be now knowing he looking at her OWN friends ?
I hope she sees this and knows she is worth so much !
Tell him he either lets you read all of the messages or you will contact his AP and her husband. Contact his AP’s husband and tell him what you have found. If your husband isn’t going to be honest maybe her husband will force her to be. If he doesn’t want you to read the messages then they possibly highlight that this emotional affair was actually a physical one.
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Brilliantly said.
You are both dealing with grief, and you found comfort in each other. There is nothing to be ashamed of.
I know of a very happy couple, who are married now (been married for nearly 10 years) where the roles are reversed, the wife is the surviving member of the first marriage, and the husband is the brother of her deceased husband.
They grieved together, found comfort with each other, and loved each other, the youngest child was not even a year old when her father passed, and she is now 22, and her uncle has been in her life, in a relationship with her mom for nearly 20 years. The 2 children absolutely adore their uncle.
If you decide to do nothing else with your sil, or decide that you both want to have a relationship together, remember that apart from your children, the only people who’s opinion matter are yours and hers.
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Living together after 5 months..? Sounds like she needed to lean on you and is now bailing. But at least the daughter knew about you. That would give me peace of mind about being the other man. Sounds like they were actually split up.
Hold on: when you questioned him about it, his response was that you should move up your solo therapy appointment? That’s, like, the textbook definition of gaslighting: making you feel crazy for your very reasonable concerns.
Her name is on the account because she was probably his legal guardian and was given the authority to make financial decisions for him he was sick/after his death. That does not mean the account is hers or that it’s her money to spend.
If your dad died when you were 12 and your father died 16 years before your grandfather, why was your father still written into the will? Was it never updated?
Her timeline doesn’t have to be THE timeline bro
I'm sorry about your brother. I could never bear losing mine, I can't imagine the pain you're in.
Your bf is not a good person. Right down to his core, he's rotten inside. He's the darkness in your life, you won't feel better or process your grief and get to a better place with him in your life. Remove him.
Oof ahah
Info, and you may have answered this in another comment… But I’m reading your edit and if your friend group would like her to still go why don’t they put up the money for his flights and hotel and food and all those other costs? Why does it for you?
More like understanding that a border collie, a chihuahua, and a Bernese mountain dog are all the same species, despite the fact that they look and act very differently.
Oh brother. This is rotting your brain bro.
You got her man. You married her, had a kid, have spend the last couple decades together.
She is yours man.
You were young once, and broke up, and she went and had her fun. Which I’m sure you had some fun yourself.
It’s a little weird that the dude is still around, if he was your friend I would have assumed he would have told you back in the day he hooked up with her. (It must be her friend?) idk weird that it hadn’t come up yet.
You can’t let that old bullshit fester in your head man. In the bigger picture it’s just not that big of a deal TODAY.
Like I said you have her, as long as she is being a good mom, wife, lover, then let that shit go brother. Enjoy your life. It goes by quick, you don’t want to sit there and be miserable about some shit that you can’t change.
Oh. I see both of you have opposite views. I say it’s not working. I mean incompatible. Sorry.
there's not a single person, married or not, that hasn't curiously thought about checking out dating apps
what
That’s dog ass nasty. He’s a grown ass man .
Thank you
You said therapy would be great but would take a couple of years to be on a waitlist. So you're going to waste another couple years of your life letting her do nothing? Stop enabling her and stop thinking YOU can fix this. You are making it worse by doing everything for her. She has to want to change and she's not going to unless you stop doing everything and she has to change. You can't change other people. The best thing you could do for her honestly is leave and make her be a grown up and get a life for herself. This isn't much of a relationship. It seems to be all you giving and she's just taking.
As crazy as it sounds, she is much more human than my post above might lead you to believe!
What do you mean attention very true?
you may think that just 2 months ago it was all fine, but probably she anticipated her layoff, and that she was going to depend on you Did you explicitly commit to supporting her? It's a big deal, it cannot be just assumed. And the main thing: I have been reading your text back and forth, but nowhere I could find what did you want and propose to her. You literally asked her “what is our plan”. That is quite a burden. Especially as it was about your money to spend (you probably did not know it yet but she knew). Instead, you should have been offering.
I don’t think you should question her. People casually date to have fun and find companionship. Plus, you don’t typically shut your profile down for someone. You “might” have a future with. She’s clearly unsure.
Instead ignore this other guy and ask about you. Did she enjoy the date and does she want to have another one? Do you even want to have another one? Decide that first ha
Ooh is our body count troll getting creative finally?
Don't be a dumbass OP. Leave, you're clearly being manipulated.
You can't help falling for someone.
Basically…. You need to tell her no. You're not fixing it.
Wow he’s insecure. Nothing wrong with having toys. Plus they come in handy when he isn’t around. Your telling me he never masterbates? Tell him to grow up. Toys are cool
Maybe their belly buttons reeked of ass though…
Your wife's a covert narcissist. Read up on that. How dare you EVER criticize her, for ANYTHING? Because if you do, she'll try to play the victim card “I'm so worthless,” “nobody could love me” etc. until she extorts an apology out of you.
This personality type doesn't change. Either let her beat you down, or move out.
I mean read other opinions, I could be wrong, but that's what I'm hearing in your description.
That’s what I’m wondering why not have her pay him back? Absurd he would just not try to work together as a family to find a solution to a legitimate problem! He could have even used it as a learning tool. From now on if you need money it’s a loan and if you can pay me this back I can keep helping. If not, I won’t be able to. He’s kind of an AH
She wants to cheat on you guilt-free especially since she doesn't want you to enjoy the same benefits. Dump her and find someone that actually loves you and respects you. You GF doesn't put you first you are an afterthought because this isn't any different than her wanting to sleep with a man you know why? She had this girl already picked out and if it was a man you would have flipped out on her but there is no difference in this situation. She wants a free pass to cheat. If you don't give her the free pass she will cheat or she already has and feels the guilt is too much. Either way dump her.
Lol whoever hurt you sorry about that, don’t take i out on me though.
I've watched a 180 IQ human set toast on fire.
I fully agree.
The women will probably advise her not to go and offer safe alternatives.
I see your point.
How? She has a child and wants to keep it that’s not manipulation
Look, a female will rarely ask for nudes. It's a scam.
That’s a very hot pass for me (34) and my husband (38) (I just read out the scenario to him and he said “f*ck that I’d be out”) regardless if she’s been with him or not, it definitely sounds like she’s at least thinking of him during intimate moments.
When she comes over best to just. Talk be civil and. Yeah
No normal man is asking you to send him $300 as a test and blocking you because you jokingly asked if he was married. Move on. Did you get your money back?
Is it ok if I message you?
You can't be in a serious relationship and just not talk about long term life plans. Real life isn't a fairytale and neither of you can read each other's minds. Talk.
Smh. A mess
What does living in an island have to do with it? You’re communicating with us, we arent on that island. The island is not a barrier.
100% my plan. Thanks for your advice
He isn't serially disloyal. It was only the one time.
GF are you insane? You want your boyfriend to give money to the man who spit in his face? I really resent you acting like this is a normal reaction from an Igbo person. Igbo people are able to marry outside of their culture. Your father is a lunatic. Don’t try to use culture to cover up his actions.
BF get away from this family. They have serious issues.
Yeah, fair point.
She is likely making more in the market than what her interest on her loans is…
/r/UnexpectedHogwarts.
Your husband is being very manipulative by using emotional abuse to control you, THAT is what is silent treatments are all about.
Can you create a thesis for the book you just wrote?
I think maybe she's unhappy there's no surprise, since she knows it all?
I don't know, but she's being very greedy and unappreciative. She could have said right from the start “surprise me!”, but there are plenty of us that are happy with way less.
I was with a guy for almost 6 years. I never received 1 thing, ever, for any occasion. He was always enough for me no matter what.
Your mother is a piece of work. Sorry, but I would seriously consider NC or LC with her. She needs to learn her place. My husband is Asian. We have been married for over 16 years and have no kids so far. We discuss the option of surrogacy or adoption. He is fine with either or no kids at all. We take care of a lot of family members…so we stay busy. His parents were trying to get him to divorce me before our 10th anniversary because we didn't have kids. He has other siblings. He told them where to stick it.
You love your husband, and he loves you. There is nothing you two can not overcome. You need to have love, empathy, and communication. Be each others biggest cheerleaders.
Your mom's comments have caused some damage. Go talk to a counselor. Your mother should be one of the top topics on how to mentally shut her down. She is disgraceful.
It is very hot to contemplate not having the ability to physically have kids. But, it is a reality you have to accept. That doesn't mean you still cannot mother. Just because a child was not birthed from you, doesn't mean they aren't yours. Have you thought of surrogacy?
Sending positive thoughts. You will overcome this. Just listen to your mother. She knows nothing.
No, no, stop making excuses for him. He raped you, he has always been like this, he just lured you into a false sense of security so that you could react exactly like this. If you stay in this relationship, he will make you think this is a normal thing or something that you should try and understand. Please don't give him a chance to do this again, doesn't matter of its one or ten times. He's a rapist. If your best friend told you their boyfriend did this to them, would you tell them to stay?
Do NOT let your bf spoil this for you! He isn't your husband. Take the property. If it is in your name it is a nest egg for you. Nothing is stopping bf from saving money and buying property with you later.
This reads like he doesn't want you to have a fallback option that keeps you forever from being dependent on him.
OP,
He is correct that it would be or is his house and your not married, so why put your name on the house. He also said if you pay for renovations on it he would put your name on the house ( so you have to ask yourself if you can trust him to do so after you have contractors and money put into it)
You also stated that if you got married you would put his name on your condo (good for you). that shows class.
You know your BF and he won't give you ideas about what to renovate, he also says they can buy the house next door (but you know differently) HUGE RED FLAGS
So, I think you know what you need to do, but your brain isn't engaging correctly. Think long and very hot about this relationship. Your coming in with more assets then him. He is being dodgy about things.
That is not a good sign for a long term relationship/marriage.
It takes you 20 minutes to leave your building?
Also I don’t understand why that would stop you from going outside to smoke. It just sounds like an excuse to minimize your actions
It doesn’t matter how “small” it is. She asked you not to do X, you agreed and did it anyways. She broke up with you
When you said we got together and married quickly after then moved. What exalty does that mean? 2 weeks together quickly or 6 months or 2 years?
Did you live together before that?
You might have been friends for 8 years. But did you know any of her living habits?
Did she stop cooking once you got married, or did she never really cook?
What is the difference between salaries and the amounts you both pay for expenses?
Sounds like you already know one of the big issues. Your weight gain.
That's just scary.
Ive tried to push her towards therapy for some different issues. Not gonna happen. She has been in the medical field for 30 years, but for some reason she refuses to acknowlege her own health issues, physical or mental. I won’t turn my back on her though. Like you said she is my mom and she has sacrificed so much for me and my brother. I guess ill just watch from the sidelines and hope this guy can give her that come to Jesus moment.
You are in great danger of every kind. The time on your life is ticking—get out NOW!
No, going away one weekend a month and turning your phone off so not even your partner can contact you is weird, no matter which sex is doing it. What if there is an emergency? You should be able to rely on your partner, and if your partner is purposefully making themselves unavailable for one weekend a month, I don't think that's fair.
“Yeah, I told you I can't promise you faithfulness” – It'll be your fault once she cheats. I'd break up asap.
If she doesn't “choose” you anymore, she should break up, not cheat.
My ex husband would cheat constantly and he blamed his religious/conservative upbringing. He would be on his knees crying saying it would never happen again and that he would change and then turn around and cheat the next day. It never got better it got more extreme. He always blamed everyone but himself and eventually I had enough. There were way more people than I thought cheaters are very good at lying. Get tested, do not entertain his bs and get a lawyer and a new therapist. No one deserves to be cheated on it is the ultimate form of disrespect.
Either you want it or you don’t. Sounds like you don’t. Plus he went behind your back to ask his friend without talking to you first. That is not ok. Full stop not ok. How dare he? This has to be something you agree to first. Complete invasion of privacy.
I’m not against this kind of sexual adventure, but ONLY when all parties involved are consenting and on board. No begging, no compromise, no coercing, etc… it doesn’t feel like you have any of that.
I’m pissed for you that he asked your lodger without talking to you first.
Another thing to note is we have been married for 3 years and this is our second kid. So I feel like if I had it from a previous relationship I would’ve given it to her sooner? Logically that seems sound, but I don’t know much about this.
Get a personal therapist and also a lawyer. This is something you guys can reconcile. She does not want to have sex, you do, and that’s something that clearly isn’t going to change. No amount of counseling is going to get her to commit to treatment for her condition and then suddenly starting to agree to penetrative sex. Get out of this relationship.
What is “normal”? Your normal seems to be her accusing you of stuff. Is that something to go back to?
Right, but let's say with the bday, you said he might go out with others instead. Would you be invited to this alternative?
You don't need to feel guilty. If it takes you a year from now to give birth and recover then be it that way.
Mastrubating right next to you is straight up disrespectful especially since it's making you uncomfortable you need to confront him and tell him you don't like it. Pushing these feelings down will make you resentful and they'll come out in a worse way anyway.
I am just going to assume when you say “we decided porn = bad” was him just agreeing to you and now you know.
That's the dilemma. I'm not a controlling or jealous type of guy. In my last LTR she would go out with friends all the time. I loved and trusted her. But she also wasn't my wife because I'll never get divorced again. And, the only way to ensure I never get divorced again is by not getting married again. So, if my girlfriend misbehaves I can just break up with her easily. The investment of a girlfriend is a lot less than a wife. And, a girlfriend is my investment limit now.p in a relationship.
To a lot of people, birthdays of adults are not a big deal. I realize to you they are, but you can't expect everyone else to care about that. You did get some good feels, maybe be content with that?
Your tender feelings do seem a little narcissistic to me. Recognize that you might not be that fun to be around and why should others share your celebration?
I suppose I'll get downvoted for this, but it's just the way I see it.
Yeah you don’t need any of this mess. Therapy is a decent idea for sure, and try yoga. It’s awesome. Just do it at home watching some videos. You aren’t losing the love of your life. You’re just starting your new road to find him. This guy right here though? He’s not it.
Yup, we’ve discussed the differences in our love languages before. His is mainly physical touch (and a hint of acts of service) and mine is obviously words of affirmation haha. But since we’re doing long distance it’s been very hot to love him in his love language…I’ve asked him about how I can make him feel more loved and he just never figured out an answer.
I also don’t expect a massive gratitude, only that my effort is acknowledged yknow? Like a simple “hey, I feel really appreciated reading your letters/poems. Thank you” would suffice ?
Why is this girl sending you nudes, in the first place, when she doesn’t want to be sexual with you?
Don't sleep with people without protection then. Jesus u really are a scumbag.
It’s really crazy that she’s later than the time it takes to actually drive there. That means she’s leaving late every time. I consider this a dealbreaker.
lol this better be a troll post.
Boyfriend 27m, I am 24F. Won’t let me stay at my apartment by myself.
Agreed. It definitely be the other thing, I’m not ruling it out. To me though, no Reddit post needed. Just say “yeah it awesome, is that what you mean?”
So, he's “improved” from serving you piles of shit, to “only” serving you spoonfuls of shit and expecting you to like it.
He's still being verbally abusive, and after reading the rest of the post, he sounds like a dumbass.
You know what you have to do, OP, right?
I am sorry, but it sounds like you are done. If she is unstable, I recommend you contact her family so someone can come to your location so she doesn't self-harm.
Your mom and brother sound like judgmental jerks. Your girlfriend sounds like a sweet, non judgmental, levelheaded, generous partner who goes out of her way to try and get along with those jerks for you. Which relationship is worth saving more?
I understand – I just think your reaction is out of proportion for “the crime.” It’s very hot to say if he has a drinking problem or not. But taking it at face value, he also enjoyed his solo time while you were gone and fell asleep. You’re a mature, capable, woman. You clearly navigated a long drive by yourself. Enjoy your trip and let this one go.
I am sorry you are having to go through this, it must be so difficult for you. I imagine part of that resentfulness is from you feeling that you have to encourage the romance even though he was the one who broke the relationship in the first place?
Do you feel as though he will be ready to put in the work to help your relationship blossom again? In some way it is positive that you are not crying anymore but in another it appears that you have just been through so much you have almost become desensitised to it.
As you say, there is so many raw emotions and feelings, likely on both sides of this relationship. Navigating your way through such difficult times is never easy and by what you say, it seems that when you got back together, the relationship since then has been built on unstable ground due to you trying to suppress your emotions. I imagine so that you could get back to the good times of your relationship once again. Don't lose sight of the most important thing in a relationship, you fell in love with one another for who you are as people individually. I hope you are doing better than okay, one day and are truly happy ❤️
Why can’t she also name her child this? What’s stopping her? Did she really think her child would be the only child in the world with that name?
It's only been 4 weeks, dude. Not even long enough to decide if you want her as a gf, and already it's bumpy? Time to move on.
I think the “75% in” comment means that he loves you and enjoys living with you, but he's not ready to take your relationship any further, commitment-wise. He's quite happy with the status quo.
“We both have to work on ourselves” means that unless you make significant breakthroughs with your therapist on the PTSD stuff, AND he gets over his commitment phobia, he doesn't think he'll change his mind anytime in the near future.
The “on different paths” comment makes me think that he feels you do not share the same goals for the future, and unless you can work out a compromise, eventually you'll need to break up if you both want to lead authentic lives. You probably have a better idea about what future goals he's thinking about. If you don't, you should ask him to please tell you more about that specific comment.
Ultimately it comes down to what YOU want. If you are still “100% in” while accepting that you won't be marrying this guy any time soon (or possibly at all), then just keep on keeping on, for as long as he makes you happy. If you have stayed in this relationship with the hope that it would lead to marriage or a lifetime partnership, he may indeed be a “good guy” as your oldest child put it, but he doesn't appear to share that expectation – at least, not yet.