I have been with my partner for 12 years, married for 8 of those years. He is just like your gf. When he is out of town on business trips, even if i text and text him he will not reply sometimes, last time didn’t text when he got back to his hotel for the night. He has adhd and his brain can barely function in one place, much less two or more. Maybe she has this sort of thing too?
He has been living at home for two years after a short lived marriage where he let her take everything in the separation. He was aiming on starting all over and purchasing his own home. Then Covid really messed up the housing prices in our area badly.
I put an offer in on my childhood home several months ago. We are just waiting on probate to be able to continue the process. My sibling continually stalls probate court with claims of having Covid and needing to reschedule court dates and other stalling issues.
All of your information has come from your father. Take your mother out for coffee or lunch, and just simply say that you know about your sibling. She may or may not know about her. If she does, maybe she will tell you her side of the story. She may even know that your father sees her. Three years of sneaking around is very hot to hide. If she doesn’t know, well then, you just dropped a bomb on your father’s secret life. Either way, she deserves the truth.
Ok this is my take on it, just by the info in your post.
Also just want to point out, I did the party stage too, and spent a lot of money on going out and drinking. And it adds up quickly.
You said you been together for 3.5 years, and spent 3 years partying, and admitted that you spent a lot of money drinking.
You also said After Halloween of 2022, we both realized: we have been together 3 years and don’t have a place together, and we both aren’t where we want to be in life.
So we both decided cutting back on partying and going out was a good solution
To me what he is asking is that you don't go out partying without him, so he can maybe be there with you, to help keep you from spending so much money on alcohol, and start saving it instead to work towards your goals.
You also said he has been working very hard, which means that he is working on goals for your future, so you guys can have a great life. But from the sound of your post you are upset because he really prefer you not going out partying all the time, and being irresponsible.
If you want a future, then you have to work towards those goals. It can't be one sided. You both need to put in the work and effort. Sometimes making sacrifices is how to do it.
In all honesty it sounds like you both are in very different phases in life. You each just have to decide what you want to do to get to where you each want to be.
If you feel he is being controlling, then it is something you need to deal with. But you really need to talk to him, and clarify things better.
I think the most disrespectful part about it is that you're not willing to recognize if your partner feels disrespected and unheard it IS a problem. What she says is a problem to her is a problem.
The way you're dealing with it is immature. You're saying you're working on it, you later say it's not THAT much of a problem, that you just want to be comfortable at home, that it would be formal and extra not to cut her off. Sooooo, you're not really working it, you don't have a reason to fix this. Because you don't care about your gf. If you did, her feeling disrespected by it would be more than enough of a motivation to change this. This definitely is serious ground for a break up.
If your girlfriend is reading this, girl, I think you can do better, and you deserve every once of respect and love. Also, congrats and standing up for yourself and voicing your limits. You're fkgg strong. xxx keep up the good work.
Lovely. What are you doing staying with this sad sack of a human?! You deserve so much better! You stuck with him even through addiction, and no one would judge you for having walked away then. He should worship the ground you walk on. The petulant audacity it takes to demand that you work out at the gym to fit his so called standards after you’ve put in all this emotional work is simply breathtaking.
Sit him down and tell him to listen up. Tell him to buck his damn ideas up and work on himself before he starts whining to you. If he wants this relationship, it’s on him to save it. If not, you walk that awesome body away from him and his nonsense and you find the life you want as the queen you are.
I agree with other comments but since you found them unhelpful let me try a different angle.
You’re assuming that your GF, who yells at you when you cry, is going to be willing to educate herself. I have my own opinion on that but I’ll skip it. Assuming that you’re right and she’s going to keep an open mind, you need to start by having a conversation.
Tell her how her yelling makes you feel in general and put it in the context of crying specifically. And then continue on with the conversation and talk about her views on “being a man”. Confront it with your own view and see what happens.
In an unlikely scenario that she starts seeing your side, ask her to read about toxic masculinity (pretty much any resource will do). Maybe suggest she tunes in to some mental health podcasts (I can recommend Bialik Breakdown).
Maybe you’re right and she’s just ignorant and a product of her surroundings. Maybe a little education would be enough. However, manage your expectations. This is all very unlikely and even attempting to have this conversation will unleash another aggressive, humiliating tirade of you being less than just because you have feelings.
Quit focusing on the ring!!! Get it out of your head and focus on what’s really important here: your boyfriend does NOT want to get married. If you really were able to pressure him into it, prepare for misery.
He likes having you as his gf for companionship and sex. But if he wanted to marry you, he’d say so. He even said that he wasn’t ready for marriage yet!! Face reality!!!
I'm probably in the minority here judging from comments on prior posts. But I think your partner shouldn't have to check in with you when they're trying to enjoy a night out/ family time/ work or whatever else. That goes for both parties. Trust it utmost. And a partner shouldn't feel obliged to be in constant contact, especially to update whereabouts etc. I feel it's unreasonable and kinda controlling to expect it.
But that's just the way I work, you'll probably get a whole lot of people saying its perfectly fine.
Honestly I'd be suspicious if he were cheating on you since he is accusing you.
Were you dating my ex? lol
I have been with my partner for 12 years, married for 8 of those years. He is just like your gf. When he is out of town on business trips, even if i text and text him he will not reply sometimes, last time didn’t text when he got back to his hotel for the night. He has adhd and his brain can barely function in one place, much less two or more. Maybe she has this sort of thing too?
He has been living at home for two years after a short lived marriage where he let her take everything in the separation. He was aiming on starting all over and purchasing his own home. Then Covid really messed up the housing prices in our area badly.
I put an offer in on my childhood home several months ago. We are just waiting on probate to be able to continue the process. My sibling continually stalls probate court with claims of having Covid and needing to reschedule court dates and other stalling issues.
Your = something that belongs to you
You're = you are
Stay in school and stop worrying about dating grown men from the grocery store.
All of your information has come from your father. Take your mother out for coffee or lunch, and just simply say that you know about your sibling. She may or may not know about her. If she does, maybe she will tell you her side of the story. She may even know that your father sees her. Three years of sneaking around is very hot to hide. If she doesn’t know, well then, you just dropped a bomb on your father’s secret life. Either way, she deserves the truth.
Ok this is my take on it, just by the info in your post.
Also just want to point out, I did the party stage too, and spent a lot of money on going out and drinking. And it adds up quickly.
You said you been together for 3.5 years, and spent 3 years partying, and admitted that you spent a lot of money drinking.
You also said After Halloween of 2022, we both realized: we have been together 3 years and don’t have a place together, and we both aren’t where we want to be in life.
So we both decided cutting back on partying and going out was a good solution
To me what he is asking is that you don't go out partying without him, so he can maybe be there with you, to help keep you from spending so much money on alcohol, and start saving it instead to work towards your goals.
You also said he has been working very hard, which means that he is working on goals for your future, so you guys can have a great life. But from the sound of your post you are upset because he really prefer you not going out partying all the time, and being irresponsible.
If you want a future, then you have to work towards those goals. It can't be one sided. You both need to put in the work and effort. Sometimes making sacrifices is how to do it.
In all honesty it sounds like you both are in very different phases in life. You each just have to decide what you want to do to get to where you each want to be.
If you feel he is being controlling, then it is something you need to deal with. But you really need to talk to him, and clarify things better.
I think the most disrespectful part about it is that you're not willing to recognize if your partner feels disrespected and unheard it IS a problem. What she says is a problem to her is a problem.
The way you're dealing with it is immature. You're saying you're working on it, you later say it's not THAT much of a problem, that you just want to be comfortable at home, that it would be formal and extra not to cut her off. Sooooo, you're not really working it, you don't have a reason to fix this. Because you don't care about your gf. If you did, her feeling disrespected by it would be more than enough of a motivation to change this. This definitely is serious ground for a break up.
If your girlfriend is reading this, girl, I think you can do better, and you deserve every once of respect and love. Also, congrats and standing up for yourself and voicing your limits. You're fkgg strong. xxx keep up the good work.
Updateme
Lovely. What are you doing staying with this sad sack of a human?! You deserve so much better! You stuck with him even through addiction, and no one would judge you for having walked away then. He should worship the ground you walk on. The petulant audacity it takes to demand that you work out at the gym to fit his so called standards after you’ve put in all this emotional work is simply breathtaking.
Sit him down and tell him to listen up. Tell him to buck his damn ideas up and work on himself before he starts whining to you. If he wants this relationship, it’s on him to save it. If not, you walk that awesome body away from him and his nonsense and you find the life you want as the queen you are.
I agree with other comments but since you found them unhelpful let me try a different angle.
You’re assuming that your GF, who yells at you when you cry, is going to be willing to educate herself. I have my own opinion on that but I’ll skip it. Assuming that you’re right and she’s going to keep an open mind, you need to start by having a conversation.
Tell her how her yelling makes you feel in general and put it in the context of crying specifically. And then continue on with the conversation and talk about her views on “being a man”. Confront it with your own view and see what happens.
In an unlikely scenario that she starts seeing your side, ask her to read about toxic masculinity (pretty much any resource will do). Maybe suggest she tunes in to some mental health podcasts (I can recommend Bialik Breakdown).
Maybe you’re right and she’s just ignorant and a product of her surroundings. Maybe a little education would be enough. However, manage your expectations. This is all very unlikely and even attempting to have this conversation will unleash another aggressive, humiliating tirade of you being less than just because you have feelings.
Quit focusing on the ring!!! Get it out of your head and focus on what’s really important here: your boyfriend does NOT want to get married. If you really were able to pressure him into it, prepare for misery.
He likes having you as his gf for companionship and sex. But if he wanted to marry you, he’d say so. He even said that he wasn’t ready for marriage yet!! Face reality!!!
But if the financial stress living alone is equal to this type of stress, is there one that’s really worse?
she told me that she was completely over that guy and that she didn't have any contacts with him anymore.
Well that was a lie.
She argues that I should be trusting her when she tells me there's nothing more to it than two old firends catching up
That's another lie.
This combined with the sexual tension text? Yeah….this is done. Break up. Move on. Don't look back.
Tell me the difference between your relationship with her and your relationship with your best guy friend.
I'm probably in the minority here judging from comments on prior posts. But I think your partner shouldn't have to check in with you when they're trying to enjoy a night out/ family time/ work or whatever else. That goes for both parties. Trust it utmost. And a partner shouldn't feel obliged to be in constant contact, especially to update whereabouts etc. I feel it's unreasonable and kinda controlling to expect it.
But that's just the way I work, you'll probably get a whole lot of people saying its perfectly fine.
Time to move on to her friend
It is. I don’t think some of these replies have any experience of how interminable this gets.
You don’t get it. It’s not about the golf. It’s about remembering and about you keeping Your word to her. She thinks you like your friends more.