There isn't really enough information to decide what to do about your boyfriend. I would have her text you the details. What was said and to who. Why does she think he's dangerous? I knew someone that was convinced our work manager was a narcissist when in reality he isn't in any way. He would get angry sometimes but normally. She just always used armchair psych when in reality there was something wrong with her.
Yeah I know, but he said himself he probably had the mind of a 14-year old and he was pretty childish before we went out and during the date, with his pickup lines haha.
You didn't cheat. You didn't 'betray' anyone. You have no need to apologize because you didn't do anything wrong. You are both way, WAY overthinking this.
Along with everything else you listed, I think you are both a little too immature for a relationship right now.
It seems to me like this is more of a serious talk thing rather than pretending that you're not involved already shrug ask them to do something casual with you that you know they like to do and say “hey do you want to actually date?” Then be prepared if they say no.
One of my daughters is in almost exactly the same situation (in fact for the first two paragraphs I thought it WAS her) so I'll tell you what I told her (dad advice I know, but I think it's relevant).
At your age and at this stage in a relationship, this guy should be falling over himself to see you. He should be wanting to go out places, to be passionate, to be all over you in a good way, to be planning for the future, buying you things, showing you off to his family and friends. Or at the very least having fun times together.
This guy sounds like he regards you as a project he's lost interest in (sorry to be so blunt).
You need to call his bluff and stop seeing him. Go out with friends, connect with other guys, do whatever makes you happy – without him.
He will either panic and do his best to fix things or he won't bother at all. Either way you'll know his true feelings. It's possible that a short sharp shock may make him grow up and appreciate you, but I suspect he's just too immature for a relationship and you're likely better off without him.
I am okay, thanks. I would advise u to learn how to read. I am not a survivor of the earthquake since I am living in an European city far form Turkey. I am not breaking up with my boyfriend, but looking for advice on how to help him.
I think this is for everyone to answer themselves. for me personally, yes this is crossing the line as this seems to be more romantic gestures.. Which is fine, but if I'm in a FWB situation, I'm not looking for romantic stuff.
Violence was never the right answer. I am saying that if she had stopped when he asked her to none of this would have escalated. I as a female have had a man do this to me, and it is enraging. They believe since they aren't harming you that they can do what they want to you. They act like you are being a baby because they are just touching or caressing you. It doesn't matter to them if it is against your will.
I've been stalked. It was one of the most traumatic things to ever happen to me. I was harassed, threatened and bullied. He threatened my mum. He threatened my sister who was 8. He made every time he saw me about 'persuading' me we were right for each other. He thought we had to be together because we had the same birthday. Of all things.
Someone who believes they are owed your person for whatever made up reason they have decided cannot be reasoned with and cannot be stopped without outside influence.
You're right when you say he waiting for his opportunity. And he will attack. It's only a matter of time.
I got lucky. Not many others do. In my case made a traceable credible threat, and I got a restraining order at which point his parents stepped in. I moved countries and have got married and changed my name. I didnt use social media. There's nothing for him to find anymore.
I really hope op takes the advice that police is the best way forward. And contacts resources that can help. I can't link because I don't know which country they are in.
Selfish, she's supporting him and that's the only reason he's there, says volumes about him as a person that he's willing to continue to leech off her even though hes already “left”
He's already checked out. You have a baby together and he's using that and your social isolation to beat you down emotionally because he thinks you aren't going to do anything about it. You've expressed your concerns and he has dismissed them. He's already a deadbeat father. What happens when/if you get pregnant again? You need to start making plans to leave because this isn't going to get any better.
There's no win, you're just deluding yourself. Not ending up with the first person you like isnt the same thing as ending up with a person who went out with you immediately after getting rejected by someone they actually liked. After a relationship ends people reset and the next person they date is their first option.
I mean I sort of get why you don’t want to get her bet she clearly is not of the same thoughts. If you want her to know your boundaries, tell her. Your boyfriend should also be shutting this down.
She isn’t a friend. Going through shit doesn’t mean that you get to treat people shit
No, her desire is to be able to go out and have drinks with any man that flirts with her that she finds remotely attractive and you to be ok with it and be the baby sitter. Look at what you wrote again about her plan to salvage your marriage. Son you are about to be set up as a putz! You are fucked if you keep going down this path.
This is PPP aka “piss poor parenting” at its finest. Of course your kids deserve birthday parties!!!!!! WT actual H???? It is not at all difficult to create joy for you children. Isn’t that why you brought them into this world in the first place? It takes at best 5 hours a year to plan a birthday party. Order a fun cake or bake one if you are so inclined. Pick a theme. Go to a party store and spend $20-$30 on some balloons and /or other decorations. Invite friends. Get a couple presents for your kid. Maybe a piñata or some other game. Blow out candles. Have fun! I have no idea why your husband is reluctant, but frankly I do not care. Both of you need to do better by your kids. Seriously.
An entire gender? Nah. A large majority of the gender? Yes.
We literally online in a world where our values are based on religions that couple “woman owe men sex” with morality. They dated for 1 year 6 years ago, she didn’t say “we were friends outside of that,” she didn’t say “we kept in contact,” it’s a damn booty call
First of all, don’t let him gaslight you and minimize your feelings. Your feelings are valid, don’t let him call you crazy.
You need to decide how big of an issue this is for you. If you don’t want him to be friends with his previous FWB, then that’s fair and you can end the relationship. But don’t expect him to drop his friends for you.
Piggybacking off this comment; there are 'strap ons' that actually fit over a ftm persons clitoris, and are flesh toned. They can provide more feeling and stimulation for the person wearing them, as well as look and feel more realistic for the person receiving them. It might be worth looking into if you decide to stay in the relationship.
I agree we should all talk about it but I want to figure out how I feel about it first. Is this too weird? Are me and BF being immature? I dont want to stay if it’s going to affect my relationship with him negatively. I’ve never been in a situation like this, I’m trying to gauge other’s opinions
It's my favourite series of first world problems, “woman surprises man with unprompted changes to hair arrangements and is absolutely devastated he wasn't immediately super excited.”
Could you imagine being the child of a father like OPs bf?? Yeah this man should never reproduce again. There’s already too many outside just like him lol
Have you considered that your wife is using this as an excuse to divorce you. Finding out about a kid that was conceived before she was in your life does not seem like reasonable grounds to want a divorce. I’m also disturbed by how much she is willing to “help” you in this. As if she has been planning this out for awhile and/or is tired of being the major income earner between the two of you
I’m not disagreeing. Just the only reason he has given in comments and the post is basing it on how guilty he feels and if he wants to stop feeling guilty
Nah u right bro, i’m probably tripping but my idk at the same time cause my gut feeling just won’t let go of what I think is happening behind my back. She was messaging me earlier asking why I was ignoring her and she knows I know something and so now she’s on her way to my house which is a 5 hour drive. I don’t know bro, but thank you for listening to me I appreciate it
I don't want to be harsh, but I can't think of a job that the average 19 year old could get that pays enough to cover childcare. Maybe you're not average, I dunno.
Just to clarify, I never said in the post or to her that she shouldn’t or couldn’t see her friends. I would never tell her what to do or not do. I simply told her how I felt and she was defensive. I’m not angry either. I am hurt, frustrated, and more confused than anything. If she ends up making plans to see them and wants me to join I will, I’m not going to sit in the airbnb sulk.
She framed this as our second chance at a honeymoon before we have the baby and was pushing to go on the trip for months. I was more wondering if feeling hurt was unreasonable on my part. If it were any other trip, context, or time in our life I’d be totally down to hang with friends.
Because shes barely started her life as an independent adult and he’s well into his. He should NOT be in the same stage of life as her. He’s weird for this.
You gotta sit your bf down, either when MIL isn't home or with you two out of your place in private, and have an honest conversation about how you can't have MIL living with the two of you any longer. He/his siblings/MIL need to figure something out to get her out of your place. Temporary = a few months maybe. It's been a year, you're past temporary now, he can't use that as an excuse.
Also, who cares what she says or thinks. Your home your rules, you want to burn candles in your home, then you burn candles in your home. If she doesn't like it, she should leave. You don't have to be “rude” about it, but that's my opinion and that's the hill I'd be dying on, even if it were my own parents. If you can't be comfortable in your own home, that's an issue, and your bf should be understanding and willing to remedy that. If he just keeps blowing you off/ignoring the issue, well, you've now got a partner problem. I'd hope that after 8 years you two can figure this out. Family sucks.
No, but we kind of arranged it ourselves. Both had lika a list to check off the boxes. We never even had the honeymoon phase, at least I did not feel like it. I just thought for once that I should think with my brain and not heart, but I realised now that it should be both
Yes, like at the gym or over at a friends house after swimming
He's the father of your son. If he does, you ARE going to feel and see the repercussions of his early death for decades as your son grows up.
Your friends are asshats. Ditch them.
There isn't really enough information to decide what to do about your boyfriend. I would have her text you the details. What was said and to who. Why does she think he's dangerous? I knew someone that was convinced our work manager was a narcissist when in reality he isn't in any way. He would get angry sometimes but normally. She just always used armchair psych when in reality there was something wrong with her.
Yeah I know, but he said himself he probably had the mind of a 14-year old and he was pretty childish before we went out and during the date, with his pickup lines haha.
You sound like a pleasant person to be with
Sorry but you both want different things. It's time to take a complete break from him at least for six months and find other people
SIGH.
You didn't cheat. You didn't 'betray' anyone. You have no need to apologize because you didn't do anything wrong. You are both way, WAY overthinking this.
Along with everything else you listed, I think you are both a little too immature for a relationship right now.
Yes, so it’s a matter of taking the opportunity to get a 2 in 1 surgery, not that getting your tube tied is invasive per say.
It seems to me like this is more of a serious talk thing rather than pretending that you're not involved already shrug ask them to do something casual with you that you know they like to do and say “hey do you want to actually date?” Then be prepared if they say no.
You know they are reversible right?
One of my daughters is in almost exactly the same situation (in fact for the first two paragraphs I thought it WAS her) so I'll tell you what I told her (dad advice I know, but I think it's relevant).
At your age and at this stage in a relationship, this guy should be falling over himself to see you. He should be wanting to go out places, to be passionate, to be all over you in a good way, to be planning for the future, buying you things, showing you off to his family and friends. Or at the very least having fun times together.
This guy sounds like he regards you as a project he's lost interest in (sorry to be so blunt).
You need to call his bluff and stop seeing him. Go out with friends, connect with other guys, do whatever makes you happy – without him.
He will either panic and do his best to fix things or he won't bother at all. Either way you'll know his true feelings. It's possible that a short sharp shock may make him grow up and appreciate you, but I suspect he's just too immature for a relationship and you're likely better off without him.
You deserve a lot better than this.
I am okay, thanks. I would advise u to learn how to read. I am not a survivor of the earthquake since I am living in an European city far form Turkey. I am not breaking up with my boyfriend, but looking for advice on how to help him.
I think this is for everyone to answer themselves. for me personally, yes this is crossing the line as this seems to be more romantic gestures.. Which is fine, but if I'm in a FWB situation, I'm not looking for romantic stuff.
So for me personally it is. But is it for you?
Kid won't adapt it will just cry so lomg it will go to sleep out of exhaustion. You are just plain stupid.
Just give him a 3 month proposal ultimatum and move on.
OMG ????????????????????????????????????????
The gods laugh at our plans. You're 21. This thief is not your life partner. You'll recover.
Violence was never the right answer. I am saying that if she had stopped when he asked her to none of this would have escalated. I as a female have had a man do this to me, and it is enraging. They believe since they aren't harming you that they can do what they want to you. They act like you are being a baby because they are just touching or caressing you. It doesn't matter to them if it is against your will.
Quality advice and helpful perspective – ty!
I've been stalked. It was one of the most traumatic things to ever happen to me. I was harassed, threatened and bullied. He threatened my mum. He threatened my sister who was 8. He made every time he saw me about 'persuading' me we were right for each other. He thought we had to be together because we had the same birthday. Of all things.
Someone who believes they are owed your person for whatever made up reason they have decided cannot be reasoned with and cannot be stopped without outside influence.
You're right when you say he waiting for his opportunity. And he will attack. It's only a matter of time.
I got lucky. Not many others do. In my case made a traceable credible threat, and I got a restraining order at which point his parents stepped in. I moved countries and have got married and changed my name. I didnt use social media. There's nothing for him to find anymore.
I really hope op takes the advice that police is the best way forward. And contacts resources that can help. I can't link because I don't know which country they are in.
Selfish, she's supporting him and that's the only reason he's there, says volumes about him as a person that he's willing to continue to leech off her even though hes already “left”
He's already checked out. You have a baby together and he's using that and your social isolation to beat you down emotionally because he thinks you aren't going to do anything about it. You've expressed your concerns and he has dismissed them. He's already a deadbeat father. What happens when/if you get pregnant again? You need to start making plans to leave because this isn't going to get any better.
There's no win, you're just deluding yourself. Not ending up with the first person you like isnt the same thing as ending up with a person who went out with you immediately after getting rejected by someone they actually liked. After a relationship ends people reset and the next person they date is their first option.
I mean I sort of get why you don’t want to get her bet she clearly is not of the same thoughts. If you want her to know your boundaries, tell her. Your boyfriend should also be shutting this down.
She isn’t a friend. Going through shit doesn’t mean that you get to treat people shit
No, her desire is to be able to go out and have drinks with any man that flirts with her that she finds remotely attractive and you to be ok with it and be the baby sitter. Look at what you wrote again about her plan to salvage your marriage. Son you are about to be set up as a putz! You are fucked if you keep going down this path.
This is PPP aka “piss poor parenting” at its finest. Of course your kids deserve birthday parties!!!!!! WT actual H???? It is not at all difficult to create joy for you children. Isn’t that why you brought them into this world in the first place? It takes at best 5 hours a year to plan a birthday party. Order a fun cake or bake one if you are so inclined. Pick a theme. Go to a party store and spend $20-$30 on some balloons and /or other decorations. Invite friends. Get a couple presents for your kid. Maybe a piñata or some other game. Blow out candles. Have fun! I have no idea why your husband is reluctant, but frankly I do not care. Both of you need to do better by your kids. Seriously.
An entire gender? Nah. A large majority of the gender? Yes.
We literally online in a world where our values are based on religions that couple “woman owe men sex” with morality. They dated for 1 year 6 years ago, she didn’t say “we were friends outside of that,” she didn’t say “we kept in contact,” it’s a damn booty call
First of all, don’t let him gaslight you and minimize your feelings. Your feelings are valid, don’t let him call you crazy.
You need to decide how big of an issue this is for you. If you don’t want him to be friends with his previous FWB, then that’s fair and you can end the relationship. But don’t expect him to drop his friends for you.
Piggybacking off this comment; there are 'strap ons' that actually fit over a ftm persons clitoris, and are flesh toned. They can provide more feeling and stimulation for the person wearing them, as well as look and feel more realistic for the person receiving them. It might be worth looking into if you decide to stay in the relationship.
I agree we should all talk about it but I want to figure out how I feel about it first. Is this too weird? Are me and BF being immature? I dont want to stay if it’s going to affect my relationship with him negatively. I’ve never been in a situation like this, I’m trying to gauge other’s opinions
She lied to you for months because she found it funny
OP themselves described their relationship as volatile.
Love the downvotes on this one.
It's my favourite series of first world problems, “woman surprises man with unprompted changes to hair arrangements and is absolutely devastated he wasn't immediately super excited.”
That's just creating drama for the sake of it.
Yeah they look very similar and kind of have the same personality so I kinda understand why I would find her attractive
Could you imagine being the child of a father like OPs bf?? Yeah this man should never reproduce again. There’s already too many outside just like him lol
Have you considered that your wife is using this as an excuse to divorce you. Finding out about a kid that was conceived before she was in your life does not seem like reasonable grounds to want a divorce. I’m also disturbed by how much she is willing to “help” you in this. As if she has been planning this out for awhile and/or is tired of being the major income earner between the two of you
This is not about the kid. This is about OP. His wife will leave no matter what choice he makes.
OP is now incompatible with her ingrained ideas of husband.
It's why she's now running for the safety of her deeply religious family. Even if she previously distanced herself from them and the religion.
Too many red flags. Likely cheating.
Updateme!
How have I not been taking accountability when I know I'm wrong
Torque those nuts really good and tell him it doesn’t hurt.
I’m not disagreeing. Just the only reason he has given in comments and the post is basing it on how guilty he feels and if he wants to stop feeling guilty
Nah u right bro, i’m probably tripping but my idk at the same time cause my gut feeling just won’t let go of what I think is happening behind my back. She was messaging me earlier asking why I was ignoring her and she knows I know something and so now she’s on her way to my house which is a 5 hour drive. I don’t know bro, but thank you for listening to me I appreciate it
I won't read even the fuckin post. Dude you MUST RUN FOR YOUR LIFE.
Where is OP’s self-respect? Is there a shortage of men that she has to scrape at the bottom of the trash heap?
Who is providing childcare?
I don't want to be harsh, but I can't think of a job that the average 19 year old could get that pays enough to cover childcare. Maybe you're not average, I dunno.
It’s not a checklist. It shouldn’t be. Maybe it’s neither. It’s not your ex
Nobody wants to beg.
If you're upset about this then I've got bad news about the progression of pretty much all relationships.
Serial women on here act like any little thing out of place means someone is a rapist/narcissist/psycho.
He did it because he’s a rapist, I’m so sorry.
Please get out of there, and don’t go back.
Just to clarify, I never said in the post or to her that she shouldn’t or couldn’t see her friends. I would never tell her what to do or not do. I simply told her how I felt and she was defensive. I’m not angry either. I am hurt, frustrated, and more confused than anything. If she ends up making plans to see them and wants me to join I will, I’m not going to sit in the airbnb sulk.
She framed this as our second chance at a honeymoon before we have the baby and was pushing to go on the trip for months. I was more wondering if feeling hurt was unreasonable on my part. If it were any other trip, context, or time in our life I’d be totally down to hang with friends.
Because shes barely started her life as an independent adult and he’s well into his. He should NOT be in the same stage of life as her. He’s weird for this.
It's not worth it, trust me. You want someone you can trust and anything else will just eat at you.
Yeah you’re right I actually do not need to give you such energy. I know my experience my work and my intentions.
You gotta sit your bf down, either when MIL isn't home or with you two out of your place in private, and have an honest conversation about how you can't have MIL living with the two of you any longer. He/his siblings/MIL need to figure something out to get her out of your place. Temporary = a few months maybe. It's been a year, you're past temporary now, he can't use that as an excuse.
Also, who cares what she says or thinks. Your home your rules, you want to burn candles in your home, then you burn candles in your home. If she doesn't like it, she should leave. You don't have to be “rude” about it, but that's my opinion and that's the hill I'd be dying on, even if it were my own parents. If you can't be comfortable in your own home, that's an issue, and your bf should be understanding and willing to remedy that. If he just keeps blowing you off/ignoring the issue, well, you've now got a partner problem. I'd hope that after 8 years you two can figure this out. Family sucks.
The obvious song is Anti-hero. C’mon man!
I see what you mean now, my bad
No, but we kind of arranged it ourselves. Both had lika a list to check off the boxes. We never even had the honeymoon phase, at least I did not feel like it. I just thought for once that I should think with my brain and not heart, but I realised now that it should be both