Go back to your home state you are thinking too much on the impact on him and putting your own self last whilst he is not doing the same.
Tip his behaviour will continue, if he wanted to change he would have done so by now. And a baby will put at risk the best of relationships with lack or sleep, issues settling with a new dynamic.
You know what does work, not rushing in together just because you are with his baby but working on a co-parent system whilst working towards being friends first.
He maybe or maybe not be a great father but his treatment of you will still remain or get worse.
Wow, your parents are rude and entitled. And elitist. You’re way too pushy and I’m glad he put his foot down. Can’t believe your family treats others so obnoxiously.
yeah that's already a point where you're going to neglect your children if you have any other life than your children. it's not ethical at all. i feel sorry for these kids.
I don’t quite understand? You have to parent your child until they are 18 unless you give them to someone else? And if the whole reason for staying together is so your kid has two parents that would be 18 years.
You're the reason why i can't go back to college with how my immune system is and how my connective tissue disorder is affecting me.
He's an abusive asshole, so leave him.
For the love of fuck just stay home when you're sick, or did you learn nothing from this pandemic? Just lie and tell your professor you're waiting on COVID test results. At home tests can sometimes take a day or 2 of being symptomatic to come back positive ffs. Just go and get a PCR at a walk in clinic. Fever = don't expose others. You could literally land someone, especially at a campus, in the ER if they manage to pick up what ever you have.
You assumed all the worst case scenarios for the guy. Why? Cant he decide he wants to be a loving husband and father? It sure looks like youre expecting the worst, without any evidence that will happen, and also at the same time youre eliminating best case scenarios.
It's not my choice whether she stays or leaves, and I have repeatedly stressed in in my previous and current comments on this post and the prior that she needs to prioritize her well-being and should consider leaving if it would be best for her.
Let's be real here, she's an 18 year old in love, she isn't going to take anything other than the advice that encourages her to work on it. Especially from someone identified on here as a professional.
we’ve been together over a year and up until maybe 3 months ago, he respected my beliefs and opinions and never yelled or made it in to anything bigger. i made a comment in the very beginning of the relationship that i couldn’t be with someone who doesn’t see some of the bigger things the same way i did and he told me that couples have different beliefs all the time and as long as we respect each others, we can work. looking back now, i see how i was young and naive and i should’ve have compromised my values but then again, he no longer listens to my point of things or tries to engage in a conversation about any of it. instead, he yells his point to me and it always ends with some type of ‘i can’t believe you’re so ignorant and think like that’ or ‘it scares me that you think the way you do’.
You were still in kindergarten when he was planning which college to go. I'm sorry, but of course he only wants you for your body. He wants to show off how he can still pull it off with a young girl, and you can't change that.
If you're not happy being a trophy girlfriend (I wouldn't be either) then, this is not the relationship for you. And whether you realize or not now, you'll see as years go by how much of a creep that guy is.
You can only choose between staying in a relationship with a man that only wants to show you off, that is way older than you and with whom creating a real relationship in which you feel respected and loved for you not your body/age and able to share with him your expectations as time goes by will be impossible; or leave this relationship and learn from this experience. But you can't change how someone else sees you or wants from you.
They weren’t flirty or sexual at all. Thank you, I appreciate the perspective, I genuinely don’t know what’s appropriate. I don’t talk to my male friends that often.
It's pretty common for women to lose their sex drive while there are still young children at home. And it's very common for their sex drive to return once the youngest enters elementary school. (No guarantees 🙂
Recommend you head over to r sexover30 . This problem comes up constantly over there. Check out the wiki and resources. They have good info on the topic. If you don't find any info that helps you out, you can write a more targeted question.
OP sorry this happened to you but honestly from a stranger I'm proud u actually give a shit enough about yourself to not stay with someone like this lord if u see how many men devalue themselves by staying with partners like this.
You honestly deserve better. I know it hurts and it will because you are human and you cared. But there is better out there for you, u might not see it now but trust me there is. You just focus on yourself and heal!
She’s not ready there’s something holding her back. I was like that when I lost mine. I think it was insecurity and the lingering feeling that it was wrong. Maybe she’ll never change but I did.
Your boyfriend shouldn't pressure you to have kids right now, you are objectively too young. Yes, some people your age and even younger do have kids, but this hurt their careers and also having less experience in life in general, result in that they don't really know how to raise kids sometimes and some of those people make more mistakes than they would if they had kids when they know more about life.
But: if you never want to have kids, yes this absolutely means that your boyfriend and you are not compatible. Same if you can't initially agree on the number of kids. Sure, life happens, sometimes unplanned pregnancy result in a much loved extra child, sometimes you plan for more children but the pregnancies never happen. But you have to initially be on the same page. It's just NOT possible to compromise about having kids vs not having them, people who want kids fundamentally want a totally different life than people who never want to have them. Love alone is not enough for a couple. You also have to want the same kind of life as another person if you stay with that person, and you don't seem to want the same kind of life as him. It's better to break up now, than to keep wasting time and missing on the opportunity of meeting a more compatible person for each of you.
Bro, you dodged the biggest bullet and you don’t even know it. Next time you get into a relationship with a woman and she has a best friend that’s a dude just keep on moving. Make that like one of the opening questions at dinner on your first date.
If he does all the work of them, she may easily give them up. I was surprised at my ex, I was ready to dig in about the dogs, and one was technically community property, the other premarital and mine. But he was so afraid I’d take the cats that were premarital and his, that it was the first thing we agreed to. I loved his cats and they loved me, but I could definitely let them go and find a better life for myself.
I was in the same position, although I had made every mortgage payment and he wasn’t on the title, he was entitled to enough equity that a refi would be necessary at least.
Thank goodness we were only married 6 years. If we got to 10, apparently he would have had a stake in my retirement and then how could I take care of my family now that I’m the sole breadwinner in my new life?
Fortunately he gave up the house pretty readily, too.
You will never get a man to stop watching porn. Men watch porn. Being disgusted/annoyed/insecure about it will just make him watch porn in the bathroom and pretend he’s pooping.
Seriously though, don’t marry this guy. You’ll have a lifetime of porn/poop gaslighting and an unfulfilling sex life.
My guess is that she's testing the waters. If you want to do that choose another pair, someone you have no connection with in the future. She takes advantage of this situation to put into practice her fantasies with him. She has already crossed the boundaries of a friendship. You should have a serious discussion about it with her.
Maybe she liked the goddamn dress OP. Women don't always just dress up for men's attention u know. You said she barely ever goes clubbing so why can't she just choose wtf she wants to wear when she does.
Does she tell you what to wear? It's not your body don't be that insecure asshole trying to control wtf their gf wears like he owns her. She's not a doll.
You were cheated on in your first relationship and I'm assuming she knows that right? So after one fight where she accuses you of not validating and affirming her enough, she goes straight out to cheat when she feels slighted. She then denied at first and was forced to confess after Tom had given you the details.
All of this happened AFTER you've gotten engaged.
Whether she has aspergers or not, she's a lying, cheating asshole. End this relationship and you might need some counselling, for some reason these swindler's are able to see you coming from a mile off and they're able to take advantage of you.
You really didn't think him being a gross disgusting no washing no teeth brushing garbage tossing pig (with differences in morals and politics) wasn't a valid reason to break up?! I'm glad you don't have to deal with his bacteria anymore though.
You will be free when you move out and stop letting your parents control you. I know it’s hot, you want your parents to love and care for you and understand you in a way that they don’t know how. But you will feel the weight of their judgement/disappointment/control everyday that you still live with them.
You weren’t ALWAYS paying the rent, can’t they go back to paying it in full while you leave, find a place, and share rent with roommates? What can they really do to control you if you are financially independent? They may feel betrayed and guilt you but you are betraying yourself and your mental health by staying home and being miserable. If telling anything to your mom makes you feel guilty when you’re just trying to live! your life, don’t give her the privilege of knowing the details. You could move and go low contact.
I know what it’s a like to have controlling Asian parents, and I’m an RN myself, and let me tell you the freedom I felt when I finally moved out was indescribable. You are NOT a bad daughter. Live! your life, do what you want. You’re not hurting anyone. Your parents are adults and should know how to handle themselves without you there.
How do I stop it from happening?
Maybe stop being abusive? You destroyed property then pushed him. The optics on this aren't looking good for you.
If you don’t want to move in, don’t. You agreed to it when terms were different.
Will it be uncomfortable to back out? Yep. But a lot better than living in a bad situation and being miserable and then leaving.
This is definitely the beginning of a spy caper
What did your husband say when you suggested it?
The brief nature of “so I told her to lose some weight” and “turn off” shows how immature OP is
Go back to your home state you are thinking too much on the impact on him and putting your own self last whilst he is not doing the same.
Tip his behaviour will continue, if he wanted to change he would have done so by now. And a baby will put at risk the best of relationships with lack or sleep, issues settling with a new dynamic.
You know what does work, not rushing in together just because you are with his baby but working on a co-parent system whilst working towards being friends first.
He maybe or maybe not be a great father but his treatment of you will still remain or get worse.
The day after when I asked why he did it, he said it just felt good to be wanted and that he didn’t see anything wrong with what he did.
Unless he got a traumatic brain injury recently, there is no way this isn't a lie. Of course he knew what he was doing was wrong.
Yeah don't question your decision. You did the right thing for yourself.
Sounds like she doesn’t respect you
Wow, your parents are rude and entitled. And elitist. You’re way too pushy and I’m glad he put his foot down. Can’t believe your family treats others so obnoxiously.
yeah that's already a point where you're going to neglect your children if you have any other life than your children. it's not ethical at all. i feel sorry for these kids.
I don’t quite understand? You have to parent your child until they are 18 unless you give them to someone else? And if the whole reason for staying together is so your kid has two parents that would be 18 years.
You're shit and he's shit.
You're the reason why i can't go back to college with how my immune system is and how my connective tissue disorder is affecting me.
He's an abusive asshole, so leave him.
For the love of fuck just stay home when you're sick, or did you learn nothing from this pandemic? Just lie and tell your professor you're waiting on COVID test results. At home tests can sometimes take a day or 2 of being symptomatic to come back positive ffs. Just go and get a PCR at a walk in clinic. Fever = don't expose others. You could literally land someone, especially at a campus, in the ER if they manage to pick up what ever you have.
A gift is a gift. They can do what they want with it. Maybe you suck at picking out gifts? Idk
GO TO A WOMEN'S SHELTER!
You assumed all the worst case scenarios for the guy. Why? Cant he decide he wants to be a loving husband and father? It sure looks like youre expecting the worst, without any evidence that will happen, and also at the same time youre eliminating best case scenarios.
Terrible decision maker, and advice.
It's not my choice whether she stays or leaves, and I have repeatedly stressed in in my previous and current comments on this post and the prior that she needs to prioritize her well-being and should consider leaving if it would be best for her.
Let's be real here, she's an 18 year old in love, she isn't going to take anything other than the advice that encourages her to work on it. Especially from someone identified on here as a professional.
Didn’t read, but “surprise, age differential boyfriend is manipulative and abusive?” shocked
You should start out trying to suggest doing little things together as a family and see how it goes. Then just baby steps from there.
Bump
And you think all men are like this, right? You are wrong.
we’ve been together over a year and up until maybe 3 months ago, he respected my beliefs and opinions and never yelled or made it in to anything bigger. i made a comment in the very beginning of the relationship that i couldn’t be with someone who doesn’t see some of the bigger things the same way i did and he told me that couples have different beliefs all the time and as long as we respect each others, we can work. looking back now, i see how i was young and naive and i should’ve have compromised my values but then again, he no longer listens to my point of things or tries to engage in a conversation about any of it. instead, he yells his point to me and it always ends with some type of ‘i can’t believe you’re so ignorant and think like that’ or ‘it scares me that you think the way you do’.
You tried therapy for how long?
Therapy doesn't fix the problem in 3 seconds. It talks time.
I think it was a limit setting slap. I'm not a violent person at all, but what people of color are faced with is outrageous.
I don't blame him. It's not like he broke anything. He didn't snap and beat the guy down.
I don't know all the details. It's probably a good idea to watch out for signs of dv or control, but this was an appropriate response
You were still in kindergarten when he was planning which college to go. I'm sorry, but of course he only wants you for your body. He wants to show off how he can still pull it off with a young girl, and you can't change that.
If you're not happy being a trophy girlfriend (I wouldn't be either) then, this is not the relationship for you. And whether you realize or not now, you'll see as years go by how much of a creep that guy is.
You can only choose between staying in a relationship with a man that only wants to show you off, that is way older than you and with whom creating a real relationship in which you feel respected and loved for you not your body/age and able to share with him your expectations as time goes by will be impossible; or leave this relationship and learn from this experience. But you can't change how someone else sees you or wants from you.
They weren’t flirty or sexual at all. Thank you, I appreciate the perspective, I genuinely don’t know what’s appropriate. I don’t talk to my male friends that often.
It's pretty common for women to lose their sex drive while there are still young children at home. And it's very common for their sex drive to return once the youngest enters elementary school. (No guarantees 🙂
Recommend you head over to r sexover30 . This problem comes up constantly over there. Check out the wiki and resources. They have good info on the topic. If you don't find any info that helps you out, you can write a more targeted question.
Good luck.
Ffs….I had to go back and reread. Thought for sure these were teenagers.
Ok but why this ONE guy?
I just don’t know and I’m scared that I won’t find someone who will fight for me like this and cares this way. But I don’t want to want him..
Yea this guy isn’t even worth your energy. He doesn’t really care about you if he is saying those thing whether he knows your a virgin or not.
Stop making excuses for him. It's not his adhd he just doesn't care.
OP sorry this happened to you but honestly from a stranger I'm proud u actually give a shit enough about yourself to not stay with someone like this lord if u see how many men devalue themselves by staying with partners like this.
You honestly deserve better. I know it hurts and it will because you are human and you cared. But there is better out there for you, u might not see it now but trust me there is. You just focus on yourself and heal!
There’s not point in expressing your disgust for him. he knows hes disgusting but doesn’t care! Go grab your bike & say your last goodbye.
Honestly, this is likely just the first time that you know of.
She’s not ready there’s something holding her back. I was like that when I lost mine. I think it was insecurity and the lingering feeling that it was wrong. Maybe she’ll never change but I did.
Your boyfriend shouldn't pressure you to have kids right now, you are objectively too young. Yes, some people your age and even younger do have kids, but this hurt their careers and also having less experience in life in general, result in that they don't really know how to raise kids sometimes and some of those people make more mistakes than they would if they had kids when they know more about life.
But: if you never want to have kids, yes this absolutely means that your boyfriend and you are not compatible. Same if you can't initially agree on the number of kids. Sure, life happens, sometimes unplanned pregnancy result in a much loved extra child, sometimes you plan for more children but the pregnancies never happen. But you have to initially be on the same page. It's just NOT possible to compromise about having kids vs not having them, people who want kids fundamentally want a totally different life than people who never want to have them. Love alone is not enough for a couple. You also have to want the same kind of life as another person if you stay with that person, and you don't seem to want the same kind of life as him. It's better to break up now, than to keep wasting time and missing on the opportunity of meeting a more compatible person for each of you.
More like Gen X cupcake, if I was a boomer I might be that exhausted.
He never ever lied.
Welp jokes on her, she’ll remain single and friendless until she wakes up and realizes her “best friend” is sabotaging her.
Bro, you dodged the biggest bullet and you don’t even know it. Next time you get into a relationship with a woman and she has a best friend that’s a dude just keep on moving. Make that like one of the opening questions at dinner on your first date.
He is not loving and supportive, full stop. He wants his version of you.
Okay… Really sad to hear this but it is what it is
If he does all the work of them, she may easily give them up. I was surprised at my ex, I was ready to dig in about the dogs, and one was technically community property, the other premarital and mine. But he was so afraid I’d take the cats that were premarital and his, that it was the first thing we agreed to. I loved his cats and they loved me, but I could definitely let them go and find a better life for myself.
I was in the same position, although I had made every mortgage payment and he wasn’t on the title, he was entitled to enough equity that a refi would be necessary at least.
Thank goodness we were only married 6 years. If we got to 10, apparently he would have had a stake in my retirement and then how could I take care of my family now that I’m the sole breadwinner in my new life?
Fortunately he gave up the house pretty readily, too.
You will never get a man to stop watching porn. Men watch porn. Being disgusted/annoyed/insecure about it will just make him watch porn in the bathroom and pretend he’s pooping.
Seriously though, don’t marry this guy. You’ll have a lifetime of porn/poop gaslighting and an unfulfilling sex life.
My guess is that she's testing the waters. If you want to do that choose another pair, someone you have no connection with in the future. She takes advantage of this situation to put into practice her fantasies with him. She has already crossed the boundaries of a friendship. You should have a serious discussion about it with her.
Maybe she liked the goddamn dress OP. Women don't always just dress up for men's attention u know. You said she barely ever goes clubbing so why can't she just choose wtf she wants to wear when she does.
Does she tell you what to wear? It's not your body don't be that insecure asshole trying to control wtf their gf wears like he owns her. She's not a doll.
You were cheated on in your first relationship and I'm assuming she knows that right? So after one fight where she accuses you of not validating and affirming her enough, she goes straight out to cheat when she feels slighted. She then denied at first and was forced to confess after Tom had given you the details.
All of this happened AFTER you've gotten engaged.
Whether she has aspergers or not, she's a lying, cheating asshole. End this relationship and you might need some counselling, for some reason these swindler's are able to see you coming from a mile off and they're able to take advantage of you.
Don’t take her back.
I'm sorry☹️?
You really didn't think him being a gross disgusting no washing no teeth brushing garbage tossing pig (with differences in morals and politics) wasn't a valid reason to break up?! I'm glad you don't have to deal with his bacteria anymore though.
You will be free when you move out and stop letting your parents control you. I know it’s hot, you want your parents to love and care for you and understand you in a way that they don’t know how. But you will feel the weight of their judgement/disappointment/control everyday that you still live with them.
You weren’t ALWAYS paying the rent, can’t they go back to paying it in full while you leave, find a place, and share rent with roommates? What can they really do to control you if you are financially independent? They may feel betrayed and guilt you but you are betraying yourself and your mental health by staying home and being miserable. If telling anything to your mom makes you feel guilty when you’re just trying to live! your life, don’t give her the privilege of knowing the details. You could move and go low contact.
I know what it’s a like to have controlling Asian parents, and I’m an RN myself, and let me tell you the freedom I felt when I finally moved out was indescribable. You are NOT a bad daughter. Live! your life, do what you want. You’re not hurting anyone. Your parents are adults and should know how to handle themselves without you there.