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YaBoyFlexin, y.o.
Location: United States
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Date: December 26, 2022
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I have ADHD but this spoke to me from experience of being on the other side. I was in a relationship where I had to do all of the work because things didn't occur to them, they didn't notice things that needed cleaning, they were more easy going so didn't plan anything etc. I wanted them to be more thoughtful and romantic and felt righteous when it didn't happen. On the rare occasions it did happen, I have to admit that it didn't fix anything or feel right, and soon enough I'd be complaining about the next thing they hadn't done.
When I was honest with myself, I realised we just weren't compatible. I knew this, but I loved them and was too scared to let go. I felt bad and it was easier to blame them on the surface when I could justify it with their failings, than face the underlying truth.
I don't know your situation but I know that being angry about something regularly for years that, if you're honest, isn't going to change, just hurts you.
Consider the motive, do you believe your partner doesn't care? Or that they are lazy? What is it that you think their behaviour means? That they take you for granted because they care more about themselves than you? I felt that my partner's behaviour could suggest all of these reasons, but had to admit that I didn't think they were lazy or selfish or anything negative really, just that they weren't like me. They didn't have any diagnosis, it was just a personality thing. So I was angry about them not being someone else, someone who was able to demonstrate love in a way I liked.
Your post asked how to move on, so I would say that acknowledging who they are, and whether that is a person you would ideally want to be with will tell you your next step. If not, then stop being angry at them for being who they are.
I broke up with that partner amicably, and we have remained friends for years. They have not changed at all, but found a partner who is even more laid back than they are, which works for them.
I hope you can save yourself some stress by accepting them or letting them go.
No. You aren't. Now age be damned. What you are in is a controlling asshole's twisted approximation of poly. He is telling you he and she can do whatever but you cant. Thats not how poly works. He just wants all the pussy and wants to control how. My advice is run.