You dont think its the issue. Believe me, it WILL be, no matter what you think.
“If it can be fixed” – There is one thing to fix in here and its your GF behaviour. It's toxic, creepy stalkery ( checking all 2 years of tweets? GOD that screams crazy from afar ) controlling and manipulative. And does passive agressive threats ” when it will end” ( oh my god, that will be more than enough for me to dump her asap, I dont like beeing a doormat). Nobody has to put up with things like that, SPECIALLY when a boundary that was not known to you was crossed, when she does not have expressed in TWO YEARS that does not want you to see porn, not even bikini pics. A mature adult would have a convo about these things… you apologiced, that's all what you can do. Her feelings are valid of course, but being valid does not make them stop being childish, nor her reactions toxic.
If you want to salvage this relationship on her terms, youll need to continue being a doormat. If you want to try to convert this relationship into somethis somewhat sane, she needs to go to therapy. And I think that you both need to learn what a non toxic relationship is.
Unfortunately if the feelings are “growing” and you two have already confessed to one another that you like each other then you've got to create distance because this is already emotional cheating. You have emotionally cheated on your husband. If you love him as much as you say you do, you will find a way to stay away from the colleague.
At first I hated this reply. After re-reading your reply I 100% agree. I’ve taken my anger out on my sister multiple times when it really has nothing to do with her.
I have an appt set up with a counsellor in the next few weeks to discuss these issues. Thank you for opening my eyes.
My ex boyfriend did something similar to thing towards the end of our relationship. I personally do not like the use of porn. I believe it’s sets very unrealistic expectations of what sex is, and I don’t like the idea of my boyfriend masturbating to another woman. I also send plenty of pictures/videos to him that he can watch if he wants to relieve some tension when I’m not there. My ex would often watch porn while I was home, like you mentioned. I would ask myself why he would choose to do so when sex with me was often available. It made me feel so self conscious and I lost a lot of my self esteem because he would often masturbate to women that looked nothing like me. Eventually I confronted him about it and he admitted that I’m not his type and they he wasn’t all that attracted to me anymore. Unfortunately I have a few friend that this has happened to as well, I believe it is all to common. After hearing what he told me I lost pretty much all feeling towards him. I think it wouldn’t be a bad thing to consider asking him is he is still attracted to you or if he can only get it up to porn now. How he answers the question or if he beats around the push might give you the answer you’re looking for
It gets exorbitant harder though. As someone that grew up with dogs my whole life and having old shelter dogs to give them at least 2 or 3 nice last years, if you don't know what you do it's almost impossible. And his wife clearly doesn't know what to do.
Furthermore if the Puppy hits puberty the neglection can cause severe behavior issues. Especially if it's a dog that has high energy and needs to get training and all his energy drawn through daily activities that keeps it entertained, it's really not something you wanna wait with.
Meaning OP should clearly tell his wife that the way she is handling the dog isn't good and that she either lives up to the responsibility or they have to give it away asap so someone that is willing to spent the time needed can handle it.
I’m more worried about the fact that I just physically put my arm around his shoulder without even asking. I get super anxious nowadays about these things and I was tipsy enough to just do that without even asking.
Either your relationship was suffering long before and she’s really done, or she’s reacting to the upheaval of her whole world (and some pretty hurtful, rejection shit).
Either way, if I’m reading this correctly and it has only been three months since this shit happened, for the love of god, do not look for a girlfriend. This shit doesn’t get fixed overnight. You don’t stabilize that fast. Medications have to be titrated and tweaked. Combinations have to be found. And your priority has to be on you. Shit, I’ve been in PHP/IOP programs that long after a hospitalization and it has still taken probably three years of weekly therapy, a psychiatrist appointment every 6 weeks, and a lot of putting in real work to be in the place I am today.
Look at it like this: if this happened, your stuff was not being managed as well as it could be. Until it is, that has to be your priority. I’m sure it makes you sad to see her, but not all of the “shambles” you refer to are because of that. You were in bad shape when you blew up your life.
And honestly, I get it. I’ve had the impulse to push people away. I’ve had impulses that are self-destructive, but not in the traditional “self-harm” way. It happens. It can happen as a way to set yourself up to fall apart/check out. But thankfully, I’ve worked with people through that and I didn’t ruin things for myself. I got to where I recognized where these things were coming from. You need to do that. Forget what she’s doing for now. Do the work.
Oh please lol the waitresses aren’t putting on a show for you. He’s not stuffing dollar bills into their tops. If it bothers you that much fine, but it’s still unrealistic for anyone to be upset their partner didn’t run going to a RESTAURANT by them when they have never explicitly stated those restaurants are a boundary.
She might be trying to build the courage to end it, but just doesn't know how. I thought it could be depression or anxiety, but I feel the “thx” solidified it.
I already did it, I met someone and it was very good but she had to go away and I have no chance to be with her, I decided to end it. I've been with more girls but it's just not the same, I'm sorry I was wrong. I feel the bond you create with her is very strong. I don't want to be with anyone else, but for obvious reasons I don't want to be with her either or go back to her just like that, we would have to go through many conversations before that and even then I don't know if I want to go back. We also online very far from each other. I am from Argentina and the economy does not help either of us.
Have you met him? Does he online nearby? Everything you have stated appears to be telecommunications. If you haven't been to see him, and he hasn't been to see you then there isn't much potential.
Assuming he is nearby and you have seen him in person, then it's simple:
“Which of these outfits do you like most?” “OK, I'll wear it when you come over here. I need to ask you something in person. When are you coming over?”
When he comes over, you are wearing an outfit he selected. You ask him if he wants something to drink, tell him choices. Tell him to sit on the couch. Bring the drinks for each of you. Hand him his drink and sit on the couch touching him. Take a drink, set down the glass and turn to him.
“I've been told by you that I need a better boyfriend. I agree, so I'm giving you the shot. You are going to show me what a boyfriend should be like. This is a 90 day trial. If after 90 days I agree you are a better boyfriend than my previous losers, then you'll have the position. What are your thoughts and do you have questions?”
Be prepared for some confusing questions like:
“Do I have a say in this?” Yes, it was his idea, you are taking him up on it.
“What are the rules about touching?” Well, since we are already comfortable as friends, you get to skip the awkward parts. (Grab his hand and move it.) You can touch me here, here, here, and here… but (letting go) not here or here until later.
“Anything else?” That is your cue to straddle him and start making out. Afterwards, you say, “That's as far as you can take it until your first progress report. You'll get them every 3 dates or significant relationships advancement… or if you are doing poorly.
Then tell him he has homework. He needs to make sure that his phone will not be a problem if you looked at it. He needs to move any problematic pictures off or delete them and make sure any previous romantic partners can't be sending him a love text to pop up when you might see it. Dating apps should be deleted, but he doesn't need to cancel them in the first 90 days. These are reasonable requests for exclusive partners. “We are exclusive, right?”
I'm just going to say that someone who lies and hides things is doing so for a reason and unless it's a birthday present or something, it's never for a benign or pleasant reason.
If he was over her and invested in your relationship, he would have wished her well in life and that would have been that.
You married someone who didn't fulfill your intimacy requirements, and now they won't change? How did you feel loved enough to marry them in the first place? Is there something deep that needs working on between you two?
I love how you don't consider yourself a toxic redditor even though that comment is great display of your superiority complex, which is one of the most toxic traits going on reddit.
More to the point, even if she somehow finds an age appropriate virgin to date, all she's doing is putting herself into OP's role in this argument! She will never, ever be able to be in a relationship where they are both each other's first and only. That ship has sailed.
I was very confused when he said his friends said to talk to me. I think I got hung up on that, like they approved of the idea, but I was just so in shock I didn’t ask him exactly what he said to them. I’m very torn, but knowing my instinct to say no was not selfish helpful. Thanks for responding.
OK so you didn’t plan it in advance but you did it anyway. So you still did the activity. It’s like a little date. I understand you didn’t plan it in advance. It just happened.
Age diff a hot no from me dog. Different stages of life.
nitpickers will always be nitpickers. Trust me, I dated one that wanted to marry me, until he could no longer tolerate my “flaws”. Dump him before he dumps you over stupid shit. And date in your own age group
Or you can lie and make it seem like you’re really just thinking about his needs, such as; “Hey, what you said the other day got me thinking. I’m happy with the situationship we have at the moment because my life is pretty busy, but I’m now understanding that you’re not. I don’t want to waste anymore of your time if what you want is marriage and kids, and I certainly don’t want to waste the time you could be spending finding someone to do all that with you. Maybe we should call it quits so you can go and find someone else who wants the same things that you want?”
You can lie. It’s okay. It doesn’t have to be about you, it can be entirely about him and you ‘realising’ that you’re just not going to be good enough for what he wants and needs, and he should find someone else. That makes him think he is better than you and his ego won’t take a hit so he’s less likely to come after you, because you’re clearly just thinking about what he wants.
Once he’s decided you are a waste of his time and he breaks up with you, block him. Just absolutely yoink yourself out of his life.
The two of you aren’t compatible and should move on from each other. While you shouldn’t be expecting extravagant gifts after only one year I think the gas is ok if you are the one doing most of the driving. I am also old fashioned and am a SAHM while my SO has worked. I have probably pumped gas 20 times in the last +25 years. The difference in my relationship and yours is my SO is also old fashioned in their thinking. It’s time to find someone who fits your views and values.
You dont think its the issue. Believe me, it WILL be, no matter what you think.
“If it can be fixed” – There is one thing to fix in here and its your GF behaviour. It's toxic, creepy stalkery ( checking all 2 years of tweets? GOD that screams crazy from afar ) controlling and manipulative. And does passive agressive threats ” when it will end” ( oh my god, that will be more than enough for me to dump her asap, I dont like beeing a doormat). Nobody has to put up with things like that, SPECIALLY when a boundary that was not known to you was crossed, when she does not have expressed in TWO YEARS that does not want you to see porn, not even bikini pics. A mature adult would have a convo about these things… you apologiced, that's all what you can do. Her feelings are valid of course, but being valid does not make them stop being childish, nor her reactions toxic.
If you want to salvage this relationship on her terms, youll need to continue being a doormat. If you want to try to convert this relationship into somethis somewhat sane, she needs to go to therapy. And I think that you both need to learn what a non toxic relationship is.
Unfortunately if the feelings are “growing” and you two have already confessed to one another that you like each other then you've got to create distance because this is already emotional cheating. You have emotionally cheated on your husband. If you love him as much as you say you do, you will find a way to stay away from the colleague.
At first I hated this reply. After re-reading your reply I 100% agree. I’ve taken my anger out on my sister multiple times when it really has nothing to do with her.
I have an appt set up with a counsellor in the next few weeks to discuss these issues. Thank you for opening my eyes.
My ex boyfriend did something similar to thing towards the end of our relationship. I personally do not like the use of porn. I believe it’s sets very unrealistic expectations of what sex is, and I don’t like the idea of my boyfriend masturbating to another woman. I also send plenty of pictures/videos to him that he can watch if he wants to relieve some tension when I’m not there. My ex would often watch porn while I was home, like you mentioned. I would ask myself why he would choose to do so when sex with me was often available. It made me feel so self conscious and I lost a lot of my self esteem because he would often masturbate to women that looked nothing like me. Eventually I confronted him about it and he admitted that I’m not his type and they he wasn’t all that attracted to me anymore. Unfortunately I have a few friend that this has happened to as well, I believe it is all to common. After hearing what he told me I lost pretty much all feeling towards him. I think it wouldn’t be a bad thing to consider asking him is he is still attracted to you or if he can only get it up to porn now. How he answers the question or if he beats around the push might give you the answer you’re looking for
Nah it's not you are right.
It gets exorbitant harder though. As someone that grew up with dogs my whole life and having old shelter dogs to give them at least 2 or 3 nice last years, if you don't know what you do it's almost impossible. And his wife clearly doesn't know what to do.
Furthermore if the Puppy hits puberty the neglection can cause severe behavior issues. Especially if it's a dog that has high energy and needs to get training and all his energy drawn through daily activities that keeps it entertained, it's really not something you wanna wait with.
Meaning OP should clearly tell his wife that the way she is handling the dog isn't good and that she either lives up to the responsibility or they have to give it away asap so someone that is willing to spent the time needed can handle it.
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I’m more worried about the fact that I just physically put my arm around his shoulder without even asking. I get super anxious nowadays about these things and I was tipsy enough to just do that without even asking.
I have a lot of respect for that actually.
Maybe her perfect lazy day would be staring at the wall with her feet up. It doesn’t sound like she gets an veg time.
so leave the apartment. dont strangle your girlfriend.
Wait, it’s only been three months?
Either your relationship was suffering long before and she’s really done, or she’s reacting to the upheaval of her whole world (and some pretty hurtful, rejection shit).
Either way, if I’m reading this correctly and it has only been three months since this shit happened, for the love of god, do not look for a girlfriend. This shit doesn’t get fixed overnight. You don’t stabilize that fast. Medications have to be titrated and tweaked. Combinations have to be found. And your priority has to be on you. Shit, I’ve been in PHP/IOP programs that long after a hospitalization and it has still taken probably three years of weekly therapy, a psychiatrist appointment every 6 weeks, and a lot of putting in real work to be in the place I am today.
Look at it like this: if this happened, your stuff was not being managed as well as it could be. Until it is, that has to be your priority. I’m sure it makes you sad to see her, but not all of the “shambles” you refer to are because of that. You were in bad shape when you blew up your life.
And honestly, I get it. I’ve had the impulse to push people away. I’ve had impulses that are self-destructive, but not in the traditional “self-harm” way. It happens. It can happen as a way to set yourself up to fall apart/check out. But thankfully, I’ve worked with people through that and I didn’t ruin things for myself. I got to where I recognized where these things were coming from. You need to do that. Forget what she’s doing for now. Do the work.
Oh please lol the waitresses aren’t putting on a show for you. He’s not stuffing dollar bills into their tops. If it bothers you that much fine, but it’s still unrealistic for anyone to be upset their partner didn’t run going to a RESTAURANT by them when they have never explicitly stated those restaurants are a boundary.
She might be trying to build the courage to end it, but just doesn't know how. I thought it could be depression or anxiety, but I feel the “thx” solidified it.
Your husband is a gem
Ik she's not my possession, but I thought as a boyfriend that she is still my girlfriend that I get to Cherish and view.
I already did it, I met someone and it was very good but she had to go away and I have no chance to be with her, I decided to end it. I've been with more girls but it's just not the same, I'm sorry I was wrong. I feel the bond you create with her is very strong. I don't want to be with anyone else, but for obvious reasons I don't want to be with her either or go back to her just like that, we would have to go through many conversations before that and even then I don't know if I want to go back. We also online very far from each other. I am from Argentina and the economy does not help either of us.
Have you met him? Does he online nearby? Everything you have stated appears to be telecommunications. If you haven't been to see him, and he hasn't been to see you then there isn't much potential.
Assuming he is nearby and you have seen him in person, then it's simple:
“Which of these outfits do you like most?” “OK, I'll wear it when you come over here. I need to ask you something in person. When are you coming over?”
When he comes over, you are wearing an outfit he selected. You ask him if he wants something to drink, tell him choices. Tell him to sit on the couch. Bring the drinks for each of you. Hand him his drink and sit on the couch touching him. Take a drink, set down the glass and turn to him.
“I've been told by you that I need a better boyfriend. I agree, so I'm giving you the shot. You are going to show me what a boyfriend should be like. This is a 90 day trial. If after 90 days I agree you are a better boyfriend than my previous losers, then you'll have the position. What are your thoughts and do you have questions?”
Be prepared for some confusing questions like:
“Do I have a say in this?” Yes, it was his idea, you are taking him up on it.
“What are the rules about touching?” Well, since we are already comfortable as friends, you get to skip the awkward parts. (Grab his hand and move it.) You can touch me here, here, here, and here… but (letting go) not here or here until later.
“Anything else?” That is your cue to straddle him and start making out. Afterwards, you say, “That's as far as you can take it until your first progress report. You'll get them every 3 dates or significant relationships advancement… or if you are doing poorly.
Then tell him he has homework. He needs to make sure that his phone will not be a problem if you looked at it. He needs to move any problematic pictures off or delete them and make sure any previous romantic partners can't be sending him a love text to pop up when you might see it. Dating apps should be deleted, but he doesn't need to cancel them in the first 90 days. These are reasonable requests for exclusive partners. “We are exclusive, right?”
I'm just going to say that someone who lies and hides things is doing so for a reason and unless it's a birthday present or something, it's never for a benign or pleasant reason.
If he was over her and invested in your relationship, he would have wished her well in life and that would have been that.
You married someone who didn't fulfill your intimacy requirements, and now they won't change? How did you feel loved enough to marry them in the first place? Is there something deep that needs working on between you two?
I love how you don't consider yourself a toxic redditor even though that comment is great display of your superiority complex, which is one of the most toxic traits going on reddit.
There's no safe way to choke another person.
You don’t want to date someone who thinks lying is okay.
More to the point, even if she somehow finds an age appropriate virgin to date, all she's doing is putting herself into OP's role in this argument! She will never, ever be able to be in a relationship where they are both each other's first and only. That ship has sailed.
I was very confused when he said his friends said to talk to me. I think I got hung up on that, like they approved of the idea, but I was just so in shock I didn’t ask him exactly what he said to them. I’m very torn, but knowing my instinct to say no was not selfish helpful. Thanks for responding.
OK so you didn’t plan it in advance but you did it anyway. So you still did the activity. It’s like a little date. I understand you didn’t plan it in advance. It just happened.
Age diff a hot no from me dog. Different stages of life.
nitpickers will always be nitpickers. Trust me, I dated one that wanted to marry me, until he could no longer tolerate my “flaws”. Dump him before he dumps you over stupid shit. And date in your own age group
Follow the Palpatine way: DO IT!
Honestly? You can probably ghost him.
Or you can lie and make it seem like you’re really just thinking about his needs, such as; “Hey, what you said the other day got me thinking. I’m happy with the situationship we have at the moment because my life is pretty busy, but I’m now understanding that you’re not. I don’t want to waste anymore of your time if what you want is marriage and kids, and I certainly don’t want to waste the time you could be spending finding someone to do all that with you. Maybe we should call it quits so you can go and find someone else who wants the same things that you want?”
You can lie. It’s okay. It doesn’t have to be about you, it can be entirely about him and you ‘realising’ that you’re just not going to be good enough for what he wants and needs, and he should find someone else. That makes him think he is better than you and his ego won’t take a hit so he’s less likely to come after you, because you’re clearly just thinking about what he wants.
Once he’s decided you are a waste of his time and he breaks up with you, block him. Just absolutely yoink yourself out of his life.
May be later, but she might not care. Are you going to meet her often in the future?
Be straight. Don’t be petty. Put it all on the table. Your future self needs this. Karma will take care of her beyond what you’re capable of.
Tell him you’re going to call the friends wife anyways.
The two of you aren’t compatible and should move on from each other. While you shouldn’t be expecting extravagant gifts after only one year I think the gas is ok if you are the one doing most of the driving. I am also old fashioned and am a SAHM while my SO has worked. I have probably pumped gas 20 times in the last +25 years. The difference in my relationship and yours is my SO is also old fashioned in their thinking. It’s time to find someone who fits your views and values.