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Bellasababe, y.o.
Location: Utah, United States
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Date: December 20, 2022
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I am your wife in this situation – and my husband is very much like yourself (it's easy, no need to worry about someone else's feelings, or for them to be in the mood etc blah blah). It's hard. It's hot to feel like you're not good enough for your partner to give it up.
I've asked him to stop and he did mention resentment. He stopped for a couple of months and because I went away, agreed he could do it while I was away, apparently I made a comment when I came back that he could keep doing it. I realised and found out he was still doing it and it hurt. We came to an agreement which is working for now (he also doesn't like feeling controlled) that he could do it once a week. It may result in conversations later of him saying he feels resentful or controlled , but so far it's working. Worth a shot with your wife. If it would work for you. Key is being honest and not hiding it because that will cause so much more pain on her side.
I am fairly confident our stories are not completely the same at root causes etc but from what you've said and what I've experienced, surface level stuff.. compromise might work.
At the end of the day, I'm sure she just wants to be the only thing that gets you going.
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Get out, get a restraining order
You have 2 options, either break up now, or make him set boundaries, his mom is going to to stick her nose in your and your husband's business
Is he trying to stream for a living? That's what it sounds like.
Thank you for your advice i really appreciate it :))
Fuck that guy and his head fuckey bullshit, you deserve, and can get, better, OP.
Just because he rejected you doesnt mean he doesnt have love for you. Friends could have love for eachother and not be in love
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Yes. Your sister is r/JustNoFamily. So is anyone that sides with her. Please cut off contact for at least a few months.
Please get therapy for yourself so you don’t react like that again in the event your relationship breaks down for any reason. You are an adult and a parent. You need to be your own constant.
Damn she's mean.
If that’s the norm be abnormal.
That was not clear at all
Deinfinitely could of. Throwing stuff and shouting doesn't solve anything and is mega over the top. Just learn from it, and don't do it in the future if youre angry. This is an instant break up for a lot of people. But he could've handled it better also. As it stands, the worst case is really your relationship is over. Nothing else terrible is going to come from it, besides getting over the relationship. In a few years time you probably will barely remember it.
You're not getting charged for shouting at someone and throwing a few things. Just end the relationship and find someone who's not weird about your cat. And then if something goes wrong like this again, calm down before you talk to them about this and don't do it again to anyone else. Likewise, don't put up with anyone doing this to you either.
But anyway she is been very clingy from the very start, very affectionate and too much in my comfortable area and I’m not. But we’re working on that.
How would you feel if she said this about you being aromantic? That's the same thing.
Happy holidays:)
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He is not your friend. So you need to remove him from your life.
Exactly that. Somewhere he got to get it from, sorry to say that
Please please PLEASE leave this disgusting, pathetic excuse for a human being. for yourself and for your baby
No one cheats by “accident” he chose to drink, he chose to go back to a girls house and he very much chose to have sex with her.
Probably best for you to move on. Forgiving means not bringing it up again and not holding them to past mistakes. Forgiving is 100 times harder than just finding someone new. It’s up to you weather you stay or not but please hear me when I say this, if you stay, you have to let it go and give him a clean slate. Forgiving means just that, forgive and move on. It’s harder than it sounds.
What caused you to move to separate beds and no sex?
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You're dating a 34 year old toddler
Thank you. It wasn't in the US btw
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She could. All is fine then.
Cheaters don’t grow up they just get better at hiding it. (Generally, I’m sure there’s a few exceptions to prove the general rule.)
Once the games start they never stop. the relationship is over.
Years before marriage and years after. About a decade in all.
Exactly. She deliberately exposed their child to violence and that cannot be overlooked.
I think you hit the nail on the head. I do not wish to lose them as a friend as they are a great friend outside of this situation, but do you feel this behaviour is enough to say that they are 100% not worth having around?
How am I an asshole for finding something funny
Agreed. What an awful thing for her to do.
JUST LEAVE IT ALONE
28 years old and lack EQ. This is so sad. You're in love with who you can't have and hurt the one who loves you. You're incapable of receiving love because I feel, you feel undeserving of it and you do things to prove it over and over again.
Maybe you two should sit down and make some sort of division of household labor chart/checklist and determine who will be responsible for what. If she tries to push off an unreasonable amount of the work on you, then have the discussion about how it’s a dealbreaker for you and how the workload, responsibilities, and household privileges must be divided up equally if you’re going to do this together, and if not that you’ll be coparents.
Absolutely not typical for women.
Thank you for this advice, it just hit me how much I was mothering him rather than being his partner alongside him.
I can't see anyone's response except for one person
7 months isn’t very long. She needs to learn to be independent, but does she actually want that? Or does she want to be taken care of & dependent on you or whoever she marries? Have you even talked about what you both want in a relationship or life in general?
I am going to confront him tonight
Why bother? He will deny, or worse;
Just ghost the loser.
It's giving you the ick because he lied or because he was a virgin?
You need to watch yourself, how you go about things. She’s 19. You’re 19.
Thank you for your advice and your time. I will try to do my best to overcome those fears.
I don’t even understand why OP gave background info of when they started dating, unless it’s a troll post. Like I wouldn’t really think it weird for a 30 year old to be with a 40 year old at first glance.
Yes it does
And THATS why you're too chicken shit to face her father? At least be honest with yourself dude. Lol.
If you do get engaged, your peers are going to laugh at you behind your back and pity your fiancee, assuming she's got 'daddy issues'. They'll do some rudimentary maths and try to calculate exactly how much of a perv you are, and what age she's going to be by the time she's free of you.
Hon, he is laying down all the lines. He can’t even call a date a date because he’s TOO into you? A date is a date is a date, whether you’re into the person or not (think about live dating and all the “dates” people go on with virtual strangers! They’re still called “dates” regardless of the actual level of interest.
If he wanted to “date” you, he would. He wants to “situationship” with you because … dating isn’t BIG enough of a word to describe what you have? How about you suggest skipping right to “engaged?” Silly right?
He needs to see toys as tools, not competition. Maybe his concern is he can’t make you climax or at least not as quickly. The only thing you can do in this situation is reassure him that you enjoy sex with him and prefer it over just using toys. However, toys are a fun addition and can make things hotter between you two.
You would lose a ton of dead weight if you threw out the whole husband.
How's the inflation doing?
I think she still cares for you, Op. She just no longer sees you as a romantic partner.
I actually went through this with my wife. It just got worse over the years. At first it would just be an outing..that I wasn't told about or invited to. Eventually I would wake up on the first day of the school holidays to find my wife had disappeared with the children..without telling me. And they would be gone for weeks.
She also told me the children were “hers”.
We are divorced now. She was cheating on me.
It's five years later now. I have 100% custody of both kids, and am doing fine as a single parent. The kids are doing well too. My daughter is still in contact with her (I encourage this because I think it's good for her) but my son refuses to talk to her. She has recently told me that must be my fault and has now blocked me.
I think she was feeling inadequate because I earned five ties what she did and paid for most things, including our apartment. Her …way of balancing this was by convincing herself i was a useless parent. She would even sabotage me when I tried to cook, because cooking was HER domain.
Anyway just wanted to say I really felt what you said about being ..excluded from parenting? Because is happened to me too…
I'm not sure why your wife did it though. Mine seemed to be doing it to compensate for feelings of inadequacy….
Anyway congrats on being home and having custody. I hope one day you can figure out why it happened….and I hope she can figure it out too.
It’s not a question of appropriateness here. If you’re in a bad relationship then you’re in a bad relationship and you need to end it. She’s not responding to you, but it’s also been a single day.
In saying that, you’re here planning out something two days from now. If the two of you haven’t talked by then, your relationship is effectively over. So whether you send your gifts doesn’t matter. It’s not appropriate or inappropriate.
What I should make crystal clear to you is that the gift won’t impact your relationship in any sort of way, so if you want to send it hoping it’ll improve things, know that it’s all for nothing.
Sorry my guy I think this one is a pass. Sounds like she is trying to be a friend instead
Sorry man, it was hard to pick that out amongst the sea of cope without paragraphs.
Did you tell him you still feel this way for that guy?
Sounds like his mind is made up but he can’t accept it. Not knowing is one thing but not knowing and then thinking a deadline will make things clear is just silly to me.
Whether he maliciously intends to or not, the behavior is the same.
When he reacted the way he did, you didn't say anything? You didn't tell him right then and there how much money and thought you had put into this gift?
You think he's incapable of saying thank you when someone gives him a gift?
I can’t have sex. My body is recovering and I don’t feel confident in my appearance. My emotions are all over the place. I don’t feel like myself and I knew that I would feel jealous if he slept with someone else right now.
Is he ok with you telling us about his past trauma?
I'm severely allergic to cats. Like I can't hug cat owners bad. Honestly I just wouldn't date a cat owner and if I the person I was dating got a cat I'd break up with them. I don't want to be in a situation where I have to ask someone to get rid of their pet. At the same time… I'm gonna be honest cat owners sometimes y'all can be real dicks about someone having allergies (Not saying the GF was in this case I'm talking strictly about my interactions)
It’s outcall so the rates are different.
Never
You cannot make him happy with his life (sex or otherwise).
!!!
You did good King
Is OP gonna hurt women?
“Tee hee hee. my boyfriend took my candybar but he's actually a sweetheart; I took one of his candybars and now he's mad. AITA?”
(…)
“Oh, he's 22 years older, we've been dating since I was 14, he beats me and rapes me semi – regularly.”
Reddit's a crap-chute now.
Of course there's gaslighting, he tells her it's her fault that he did this. OP, you really need to leave, but you're going to need a plan and somewhere to hide. The level of his rage and now blaming you is what happens just before he really beats the crap out of you, for no reason whatsoever. Soon all you'll have to do is look at him 'wrong' and he'll start pummeling you.
You aren't married, you have no kids, RUN!!! Why do you stay? Do you think you can help him? He doesn't want help, he blames you and 'makes you pay' for every perceived slight. Do you need him to put you in the hospital before you accept that you are a victim of physical and emotional abuse? He's groomed you, he always leaves that little bit of hope so he can keep you there to 'help/heal him'. I'm sorry, but there is no hope.
Go ahead and get a restraining order if it makes you feel better. It's just a piece of paper that won't stop him, and the police won't get there fast enough to save you. The statistics, according to Alexa and Google is 11% of every 231 women have a restraining order in place when the male intimate kills them. About one-fifth of the female IPH (?) victims who had a restraining order were killed within 2 days of the order being issued, about one-third were killed within a month.
Don't become a statistic. This is not the life your parents were raising for. Put a plan together, make arrangements to leave while he's gone and do it. Pack the stuff you need, the rest is material and can be replaced. A few weeks after I'd had my second child I went to a relatives funeral with a black eye and bruised/cracked ribs, but he was sorry and promised it would never happen again. It didn't, he just kept the bruises where they'd be covered by clothes instead. Please don't stay, they don't change. You really are in grave danger!
Of course there's gaslighting, he tells her it's her fault that he did this. OP, you really need to leave, but you're going to need a plan and somewhere to hide. The level of his rage and now blaming you is what happens just before he really beats the crap out of you, for no reason whatsoever. Soon all you'll have to do is look at him 'wrong' and he'll start pummeling you.
You aren't married, you have no kids, RUN!!! Why do you stay? Do you think you can help him? He doesn't want help, he blames you and 'makes you pay' for every perceived slight. Do you need him to put you in the hospital before you accept that you are a victim of physical and emotional abuse? He's groomed you, he always leaves that little bit of hope so he can keep you there to 'help/heal him'. I'm sorry, but there is no hope.
Go ahead and get a restraining order if it makes you feel better. It's just a piece of paper that won't stop him, and the police won't get there fast enough to save you. The statistics, according to Alexa and Google is 11% of every 231 women have a restraining order in place when the male intimate kills them. About one-fifth of the female IPH (?) victims who had a restraining order were killed within 2 days of the order being issued, about one-third were killed within a month.
Don't become a statistic. This is not the life your parents were raising for. Put a plan together, make arrangements to leave while he's gone and do it. Pack the stuff you need, the rest is material and can be replaced. A few weeks after I'd had my second child I went to a relatives funeral with a black eye and bruised/cracked ribs, but he was sorry and promised it would never happen again. It didn't, he just kept the bruises where they'd be covered by clothes instead. Please don't stay, they don't change. You really are in grave danger!
Might be an oversight, might be him wanting to keep tabs on you. Either way, the block button is right there. I wouldn’t feel comfortable with a very recent ex being able to keep up with what I’m doing.
Sorry to say, but once a cheater always a cheater. She's insecure because she's thinking you'll do what she did to her ex and doesn't want that.
I don't see this ending well.
Her expectations don't match the reality of your situation. Don't ever go into debt for jewelry!
A good way to compromise is getting a nice base in the material she wants (e.g., gold, platinum, etc) and have manufactured gems as placeholders that are cheaper. Then you can save up to get “real” stones in their place at your 10 year anniversary.
I would have a serious sit down conversation about finances and being responsible to build a future instead of just having bragging rights. You do need to settle this before wedding planning because I see that being an issue too.
What world are you living in where pregnancy should be “spontaneous”?
I'm living in the world where this is the popular depiction of pregnancy in virtually all media.
I was reacting to the parts of your post that indicate all your time together is listening to him complain about how awful everyone else is
Run
How does he rate his own personality?
This guy is talking to his cat while on the phone with his girlfriend, praises the cat more than her before belittling her because she's not confident enough?
He doesn't look like a price
Yeah… It's all about power.
Successful with that kinda money spending habits?
She'll be successfully broke
Just remember at one point it slipped out and she giggled and put it back in. Also she said “this your pussy” to him. Oh and at one point he tapped it on her tongue. Also he asked if she liked it and she was like “yeeeaaaaahhhhh”
It’s so shocking how someone can just be so unaware of themselves. Everything you accuse me and other of on this thread are things you were the one doing. Are you really so delusional?
Take some time. Log off Reddit. Go try to educate yourself. Read something written by actual scholars instead of people on the internet who make random statements and stick with it no matter what because they think it makes them seem smart or cool. It doesn’t. You see the dislikes on your comments and the replies with multiple people pointing out how incorrect you are right? You do realize there’s a reason for that right? Truly intelligent people admit when they’re wrong, and then learn from it. Then continue to learn. Being smart isn’t knowing everything or “winning” every argument. It’s about being receptive to new information and trying to learn from sources that are well studied and peer reviewed rather than only acknowledging information that verifies the point you made without any knowledge of what you were talking about.
Also, let’s clarify definitions. Encyclopedia Britannica defines projection as, “projection, the mental process by which people attribute to others what is in their own minds.”. I used that correctly. You’ve been accusing others of doing the things you were doing. Self-awareness is defined on google through Oxford languages as, “conscious knowledge of one's own character, feelings, motives, and desires.”. I also used that correctly. By ignoring your own logical fallacies you instead accuse others of either being the cause of them or of being the incorrect ones, which demonstrates you don’t seem to know or understand your own character and motives. Then the definition of statistics. Merriam-Webster defines statistics as “1 : a branch of mathematics dealing with the collection, analysis, interpretation, and presentation of masses of numerical data 2 : a collection of quantitative data”. “Super-rare” is an adverb and an adjective, and is meant to give an approximate idea rather than be a precise result based on a data set. I wasn’t referring to you saying “majority” (though that statement is false however not what I’m talking about here). I was referring to your percentages you were claiming. A percentage is a presentation of a numerical mass of data. You were the first to start using the percentages and actual numbers, therefore you were the one who began using statistics.
Mate you created this shit storm. 1. You both had a second child not just your wife. Get a vasectomy if you’re so hard against having any children.
You ignore your wife’s wishes pretty much constantly
Your parents are AH’s to her when she was especially vulnerable and instead of defending your WIFE and mother of your children you hid like a little wimp. Get a spine.
Her parents are involved because they aren’t AH’s and don’t verbally abuse her. Get over it.
When people show you who they are, believe them.
OP is definitely victimised in this relationship. Read her comments to other posters. This guy has history of abusive and controlling behaviours. OP needs to leave, and I’m hoping she gets in touch with DV assistance wherever she is to get out safely.
This guy is almost thirties and is an absolute train wreck. His behavior is violent and abusive. This time the phone got the brunt of it but next time it will be you. You need to leave this man like yesterday.
My brothers ex girlfriend was like your wife, and he too felt like you, one year he gave her a jar with little notes in it, and every Wednesday he had her pick a note from that jar, the notes were what they were going to do that weekend(had her pick mid week just in case they needed a sitter) they went rock climbing, white water rafting. A theme park close to us dinner and movie in, midnight picnic. He had all of the family and her family and friends fill the jar. It was quite fun for them. And they had a blast! And he always took a picture from the outings and gave her a photo album when the last piece of paper came out of the jar. May not help you this birthday but just a suggestion for the future.
Why on earth did you move in together with this hanging over your heads?
Children/Childfree is one of those incompatible dealbreakers like monogamy/polygamy. no matter how compatible you are in other areas or how much you love each other, one of you will end up resenting the other and the relationship will end badly at some point.
The kindest thing you can do for both of you is to be honest and clear that you are incompatible and break up.
How would she have gotten it.. an std..