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Date: April 19, 2023
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he'd accused her of cheating when she stayed late for work one night a month or so prior.
I missed this part. I’ll try to find the comment where he said this. But OP accusing his wife sounds like it was the downfall of their trust. Maybe she thought he was projecting guilt. Sorry OP, I was on your side until this bit of information. Trust goes both ways
So she had been cheating on you for a long time (at least virtually) and then ghosted you to go and meet her AP to take things to the next level. Her mother was all in on it and supported her as if she was doing the right thing. This shows that you can never trust her and her family going forward.
It's time to realise that your “best friend” is no longer the person you believed her to be. Contacting the lawyer and ending this is the only wise choice here. You may think or people may say that you can work on reconciliation but let me tell you that as her mom was all in it so what makes you believe that every time she's with her mom or if she's going out with her mom she isn't talking to anyone else or cheating on you.
Contact a lawyer and proceed with divorce, there is nothing left to save.
You did this entirely to yourself, you and your husband both are low value partners. I guess your sister should thank you for taking two garbage people off the market in one fell swoop.
People like you who have zero loyalty to family are complete garbage.
Y’all ain’t close but You consider her a friend…tell her.
I’m sorry I thought I did. I edited the post with an update before the narrative. Did I not do that right?
Now that you’ve got a child to worry about, it is in your best interest for your wife to accept it’s a problem and go to therapy.
This isn’t a “will do” brush off- she NEEDS to go, child services can get involved if there is too much stuff in a house and hygiene/danger of falling objects becomes a problem.
Have her read into hoarding and perhaps read books from the CHILD’S perspective- I just read a very good one written by a woman who’s mother suffered from hoarding and various mental illnesses. It’s really valuable for her to see things from a different perspective and reevaluate the severity of the situation.
Take away all cards/wipe the phone of saved payment options, create a budget together, INSIST on therapy ASAP, draw a line and stick to it.
I believe the book I referenced earlier is called “The House We Grew Up In”.
If the pattern doesn’t stop, things can get hellish. INSIST. Donate everything unopened away after 2 days, keep a donate box in your car for this. declutter together, clear out messes immediately. Good luck.
Breathe….relax. This sounds like he was trying to do something nice for u because he's noticing your stress. I don't see this as malicious.
I did while we talked and he didn't believe me.
Judging by his post, sounds like they was always FWB.
just dump him already
You probably won't see this but in case you do you have to stop believing that he doesn't trust you – he doesn't think you've been cheating. He knows you haven't.
Okay I might have been wrong to say that I knew all along that she was a bad texter. This was a fact not known to be in the beginning. When we first started dating, we do have back and forth text and meetup often. Till one day (probably 3 months in) she broke down and told me this was not sustainable from her end and we took one week break for her to have her own free time to recuperate and feel better. That was the first indication that she's not a huge texter.
After which we have lesser texts and calls, and things got better. And then one day she broke down again and tell me this is still too much. Then we have lesser communication again and when I thought all was good, she broke down again and tell me this is still too much bla bla bla. Rinse and repeat this exact experience for multiple times until now.
Of cos I am not entirely blaming everything on her as of cos I have bad days where I do get upset when our conversation just keeps depleting and have vent it out to her a few times. And being okay with lesser communication is something I need to make peace with. She also has a very hot time communicating what she's okay or not okay with with me because of her anxiety issues. So it always gets to a point for me whereby I question is this level of communication okay? Or is this still too much?
But yes I do have to agree with you on the point that we need to find a compromise on this, which is something that I'm struggling with because sometimes I don't get her real response on issues. (for eg. she tells me this is okay now. Few weeks/months later, tells me that this is not okay). I do not believe it's objectively incompatible. But I guess the issue is, how to better communicate with each other.
Do not contact her..
Keep NC it's what she wants.
Clearly gets off on all the attention.
Tell your lawyer to tell her to stop contacting you or you will fine a report for harassment.
Also have you done a dna test on your son.
Sounds like your wife is for the streets and I wouldn't trust he was yours.
Its all fairly normal. A normal insta account. Just randomly when we go away she'll dot it with riske pics.
I'm sorry. I don't mean to make light of your trauma. But how did he force you exactly? Did he push the pills down your throat?
So the thing is, you do everything, and she takes you for granted. And when she yells at you, you let her. She is ungrateful, and has lost all respect for you because you let her walk all over you. Who gets to not work, not clean, and then nag the person providing both of those. Don't think about this logically. It has nothing to do with logic. She does not respect you, and it doesn't sound like she is interested in starting. Of course she doesn't really want you to leave. You do everything. I think you should consider leaving her and seeing a therapist. Break the lease if it is financially draining you. Look out for yourself, treat yourself to something or a vacation. You are worth it.
Do you want to give it to her? I assume yes, otherwise there would be no need for this post. What would be necessary for this to not be completely stupid.
First, she needs to quit her job asap. I don't care how inconvenient it may be for her, neither should you. If she doesn't want, then just break up with her. No compromise is possible here.
Secondly, you were stupid you know? You think, about marriage while in LDR. Worst idea ever. Do not marry, and then online together, instead first on-line with her a minimum of one year, before considering an idea of marriage. Only when you on-line with someone for a prolonged time you can know a person well enough to marry.
So, if you are to stay together then figure it out. Since she is supposed to quit her job anyway, she should move to where you live. Well, the same town. Jumping from infidelity to living together is irresponsible. So, she should move to the same town as you, give it minimum of year before, living together with her. If it goes well for at least another year, you can only then consider marriage.
I should clarify, do not tell her anything about this planned timeline.
Just because you can’t find a partner that would do that for you doesn’t mean that no one else does
This was the plan. I have never rented. I lived with my parents until 26 to buy a small condo when I moved out.
Also note, the condo is located in a perfect spot for commuting to her work. She didn't want to live! in it together because
1) the place is 550 SQ ft and she is used to living in a single family house all her life.
2)She asked for her name to be put on the deed since she would be start contributing to the mortgage
So I have this amazing location for commute that I am renting out furnished and living in my rental properties basement waiting for her to finish so we could start living together.
Then this happened.
The only people I know of that ask for an open relationship are not actually polyamorous, they are just chickenshits and don't have the guts to end it.
Polyamory is a myth, it's as impossible to have two soulmates at the same time as it is for a man to eat his own head.
Lol that's how you go missing but ok…
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
I don’t even know how to begin.
For starters I guess I need to say I myself I’m bisexual. I’m attracted to women and men and maybe in between too. I’m monogamous and I’ve been married for almost ten years. We have a 5 year old child together.
Edit to add: until today I was under the impression that my husband was straight and only into women.
For the past several years our sex life has been worsening. Going down in frequency, even before I got pregnant. I’ve always been the one who initiates.
I recently came back from a trip and when I was emptying the toilet trash I found a condom in a wrapper. I had emptied the bathroom trash before I left so I definitely found this odd, to say the least.
I haven’t had a chance to address it and I don’t want to make an accusation… so I did something probably worse and invaded his privacy, looking through his phone.
Well, in it I found a flickr app and he has an account under a different name and over 30k pictures of sexually explicit nature favorited. The photos are mostly of cross dressing men (as per the album description) in various S&M situations, and some of them just wearing office clothes and boots.
He’s always been into S&M as well as sexy office clothes and boots and I’ve always known he saves photos but it used to be of women.
As I mentioned before, I myself find all genders attractive. So I’m not looking down upon this in a homophobic way.
But I do feel shocked at this part of him I didn’t know and to be honest I’m disturbed by some of the S&M content (not judging just not my personal preference and something I’ve never felt comfortable participating in)
I’m not sure what to do. I know I opened Pandora’s box, but I’m still wondering about the condom and now I’m wondering if this is an expansion of his sexual proclivities or an adjustment to his preferences.
We haven’t had sex in two months, not for lack of my trying and I had been feeling like he wasn’t attracted to me anymore.
Not sure what to do or how to feel. I know I was in the wrong for looking through his phone rather than simply confronting him, but I did it and now I’m here.
What to do? I feel maybe shocked, I feel a little sad (at the possibility that he’s unhappy and repressed) and I feel very confused.
He’s been very depressed lately, so I wonder if maybe separating and letting him become who he wants is for the best? (We have other incompatibilities and marital problems) I’m of course also wondering what that condom was about and I’m heart broken that maybe he did cheat on me. But maybe not? Do guys use condoms for masturbation? Maybe he used it for the “back door”?
Please help!
Edit: Update : I took many of the commenters’ advice and confronted my husband. It was painful and not very straightforward (at one point he left mid conversation)
He shared that he’s had this secret since he was a child, and he said that for him it’s that he has a cross dressing fetish. Because of some of the homophobic language he used and his body language I think he has a lot of shame about it and that he isn’t either telling the full story or there’s still some of it that he’s unable to accept.
He indeed used the condom on himself, using one of my toys while I was gone, anally. Which is also surprising since he’s usually so anti-butt stuff.
I still feel very conflicted because of all the other issues we have. He says that his porn addiction and his proclivities have nothing to do with our sex life or depression but it’s very hot to believe.
I’m not sure where we go from here. there’s hurt and feelings of betrayal on both ends. But at least we had the first conversation about the topic.