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  1. Consider it foreshadowing, your guy wouldn't stand up for you over something that didn't really matter.

    What do you think his reaction will be when shit goes south and you need to rely on him for absolutely anything? I would expect the same behavior.

  2. me and wife have certain boundaries and it includes not wearing inappropriate clothes. Call me Insecure I don’t care. My wife chose to accept that boundary and we have been happily married for almost 2 decades.

    Just to clarify, you're not describing a boundary; you're describing a rule.

    Boundary: something you decide for yourself

    Rule: something you decide for someone else

    If you choose not to wear certain clothing yourself because you find it disrespectful to your partner, that is a boundary. If you choose not to date people who wear certain clothing, that is a boundary. If you tell your partner what not to wear and they accept it, that is a rule.

    If this is what genuinely works for you, that's your business and no one else's. But mischaracterizing this as a boundary may be why you're getting pushback. If you're tired of her cousin's objections, just walk away or change the subject when she says something. I'm not sure why this is even coming up so frequently, I can't imagine finding someone else's clothing that endlessly fascinating. This feels a bit like bait for that reason.

  3. So he's used you for companionship all this time. Even if he says he cares about you, he does not, or he would have told you this upfront and let you make the decision about being with him.

    This was about him no matter what bullshit he tells you.

  4. Your friend was clearly an orbiter. How would you feel if your boyfriend essentially said to a female friend of his: “OP isn't satisfying in bed, or isn't good enough at x” I think unless you have talked about sharing information like that with your partner it should remain private. If he wants to break up that's on him, he will be wondering if you're able to share something as private as this what else have you been telling others, his personal secrets etc. Something like that isn't gonna fixed overnight, it's gonna take time for him to really trust you again and he might seem withdrawn for awhile. All you can really do is be understanding, give it time and make sure to never do anything like it again.

  5. I am also in a 15 year long happy marriage after being married previously to an emotionally abusive narcissist.

    What he's doing is manipulation 101. It's abuse. Stop making excuses and go. It will never get better. The more you put up with it, the more it will happen. If you want any chance of being happy, leave.

  6. If it’s your biggest deal breaker, how come you never talked about it? Idk how he is supposed to know that if you never addressed it

  7. I also just looked up rates at the non profit day care center in my home town and did some math. Any money we’d be saving on day care by having the baby at his mom’s is going to go straight into paying literally twice as much in rent. Plus food, gas, cost of living in general there is much more expensive. Even after removing the cost of daycare living there is still a LOT more expensive.

  8. If I got vibes that a medical professional had a crush on me, I would end services immediately. My kid’s speech therapist said something that struck me as indicating he had a crush on me once and I immediately stopped taking her to appointments.

  9. Nothing wrong with having a script OP! My partner is the same way. He'll write a letter and read it out to make sure all the points come across. I don't care as long as we are talking and productive.

    So I reckon, write a letter regarding the problem, why it is a problem, how it makes you feel, whether it is a long term deal breaker and then some suggestions on how you would resolve it or what compromise you might be happy to come to. Then read it out to him and discuss each point with the view that you need to resolve and do something about the problems.

    Do you need a chore wheel? Do you need to have set gaming hours?

    Maybe he's got some ideas?

    Best of luck OP, there's not really any super wrong way to communicate as long as you are able to be respectful and get your actual points across.

  10. Are you wrong? No. There are adult and childish ways to break up but at the end of the day they are a breakup. I cannot speak on you as a person but I’ve always thought I’ve been handled shitty through breakups and have handled other people (in their POV and with a lot of afterthought I agree) even worse.

    What I can say is, if someone jokes, suggests, follows through, or just even talks in a round about way about breaking up: break up with them. I’ve been in a few situations where my ex has joked about this and it’s ended in me ugly crying to my friends about a guy not worth the tears. The very last ex I had (broke up in early May) suggested we break up in an ultimatum type way. I said it was over and this was not even a month after his father passed away. If you ask him he would have loved for us to meet in person and have a huge dialogue but I didn’t have emotional currency for it. No one owes you the dialogue you might want or the breakup you think you deserve. Only one person is pretty prepared for a breakup and that’s the person initiating it.

    I’m sorry it wasn’t a respectful breakup. These days things get easier to “end” over digital communications. I know it’s nude to not be sad or angry but I’ve been ghosted AND broken up/blocked over text. I was angry I didn’t get closure but I had to teach myself that I likely wouldn’t have been satisfied by the situation even if there was.

  11. Where does that common ground exist. You tell me?

    Trying to find something that doesn’t live! in the world of reality is code for “I’m making this breakup harder for myself than it needs to be”.

    Unless you are willing to convert, this is already over and done with.

    He will not leave. Hopefully you would want to him to prioritize his relationship with the people who raised him to be who he is and has loved all his life. Him leaving that behind, ain’t happening.

    Even if you do convert, doing it for this reason is signing up to be absolutely gobsmackingly miserable. The sheer amount or time, energy, and money you would have to look past giving would effect you negatively, you don’t hold value in the same principles.

    You chose a situation that you just learned was impossible.

    You chose when you end having to hurt about this.

  12. Do what he have done to you all the relationship, break up with him and ignore him. This guy does not care about you and gaslight you.

    Block him and don't look back!

    He will manipulate you again and you will be miserable again.

  13. Do everything you can to take this safe, seriously. If you have friend with axes, rip it from the wall. I had a friend in this position, her ex stole everything in it and lied about missing paper work. Your husband will not play fair, so don’t give himANYTHING to mess with, for real.

  14. Remove yourself from the situation, entirely. If asked directly, be honest, but don't seek out a confrontation.

    Also, she's not a girl, she's a woman. Idk why but that really rubbed me the wrong way.

  15. I agree. When it’s to the point where the person is just pretending to listen and care about your feelings, it’s over. Counseling isn’t going to make someone care about you.

  16. Exactly.

    This is pretty common OP, especially at your age.

    You did nothing wrong since you two were broken up. But I guarantee, if you don’t tell him, he will find out eventually (most likely from you after the guilt gets to be too much), and it will be 100 times worse.

    Tell him now and at the very least, you’ll be able to say that through everything, you did nothing wrong.

  17. She will still smoke if she gets pregnant because she can’t stop and the baby will be born underweight and possibly have other health problems. Plus having nicotine on her hands when she handles the baby is dangerous. It doesn’t wash away. And you are aware of second hand smoke on your own health. It sounds like you are looking for an excuse to break up so do it. She has already told you she is choosing cigarettes over you so accept it and move on.

  18. It’s possible you’re reading a little too much into his comments or lack of comments. For some people, having pets and a significant other is a family. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to include kids.

    You’re about to marry this guy. You should be comfortable enough with him to bring up touchy/sensitive/embarrassing/uncomfortable topics to maturely work through them together.

    “Hey, I’ve been feeling a little insecure lately thinking you might not want kids as much as I do or not at all anymore. You hardly bring it up. So I just would appreciate a little reassurance that we’re still on the same page.”

    At that point, he should take you seriously, validate your feelings and gently and lovingly reassure you. Or open up to you about his own thoughts/feelings on the matter so you guys can work through them together.

    Please try talking to him.

  19. Superb comment that doesn’t instantly day break up. He’s an idiot for putting thoughts like that to paper but you are what he wants. I know.

  20. You are an idiot.

    You can (and should as a good person) respect and support her finding her sexuality.

    But unless you are in an open relationship, then she does not get to sleep with someone else. She can be Bi without sleeping with someone else.

    You have basically made a situation where you have to either close up your relationship, or allow her to sleep with someone else. And whether you like it or not, if your friend doesn’t have morals, your GF will sleep with them.

    Tell her that while you thought it was the right decision at the time, you have since learned that sexuality is who you are attracted to, not who you fuck. And that by giving her a pass to explore, you were in effect opening the relationship without any boundaries or rules in place, and that you do not want an open relationship.

    So you need to choose – tell her that her sexuality has nothing to do with sleeping with someone else while in a relationship with you, and possibly have her end the relationship


    Allow her to sleep with other, and as I said regardless of what you want unless your friend says no she will sleep with them as she already has little to no respect for you in this regards


    You end the relationship.

  21. An 8 year gap in your 20s is way bigger than in your 40s or 50s ??‍♀️ regardless of whether people consider that formula to be the convention, i think most people would agree that it’s kinda gross/creepy for a 40 yr old to be dating 27 year old. I think it’s more helpful to think in terms of how big of a percentage of the younger person’s life the age gap is. In other words, the bf has lived 33% more time on earth than she has. That’s a lot.

  22. Exactly, block and delete EVERYONE involved. You can literally make better friends two drinks in at the bar bathroom.

  23. Anyone who uses the word “respect” when what they really mean is “obey” is a bad person. And notice that his version of respect only goes one way. You’ve asked him not to do things and he gets to reject them. So clearly by his definition, he doesn’t respect you. There’s a lot of other guys out there and you’re young. Don’t waste anymore time on this loser.

  24. What does your husband want you doing?

    Does he need you to work? Does he want children?

    What does he want you to be doing with your time?

    What role is he expecting you to play in his life?

  25. Sit and talk with him. Jesus. Don't have a kid if it's just to help you feel better or appease your boyfriend. Have a kid because both of you want to have a kid and want to raise it for the next 20 years and want to support a child and guide it through life to be the most successful that it can be. Don't have a child for selfish reasons.

  26. This isn’t about trust. Relationships don’t work like “if it’s your problem or their problem.” It’s a compromise. Partners that aren’t considerate are unhappy, and nuke their own relationship.

  27. Shhh.

    Waiting for them to post their studies to counter my anecdotal evidence.

    I think I might be waiting for a while

  28. But why say it at all? You set the wrong president and then the bf might just ignore any valid criticism of his sister by saying “they just aren't compatible” and not address his behaviour in enabling her.

    If you ordered a chicken sandwich at a restaurant and the chicken was uncooked and dangerous, you wouldn't start by saying to the waiter “oh it's just not for me, I guess I don't particularly like this sandwich” would you?

  29. She was a small child dealing with her father dying of an incredibly difficult disease, without support. This is insanely inappropriate. A mentally strong 6 year old is still a very young child who you deprived of their childhood. You made them handle the care of a dying man on their own. I understand you felt you had no other options, but this wasn’t an acceptable one. She is traumatized. It sounds like you don’t understand what you did to her.

  30. If you don’t want it to keep happening, you do have the power to wish him all the best but still choose to not be friends or play with him. I agree with the original comment that he sounds 12, this is middle school drama he’s trying to drag you into.

    I didn't know what I did to upset him the last time he was mad either

    That’s because he’s deeply insecure and took something, anything, as a slight in some way and silently worked himself into a frenzy over it. He isn’t going to to stop either, so I’d take that into consideration the next time you’re left with a choice to engage with him or not.

  31. He still doesn't love her now, only to the extent that she can play the ideal domestic wife role. What a joke.

  32. Damn. What a lovely update. Glad your ex-wife cut off the dead weight. Now she can finally be happy and find someone who will actually treat her like the lovely human being she is.

    Sincerely, hope you’re miserable and suffer the consequences to the full extent. Get fucked.

  33. If you say no thanks I'm getting a lift with (mate) or will get an uber , or dunno when ill be home so will get antaxi and doesn't react badly or start calling you when your out I'd say it's caring

  34. You dont owe anyone a damn thing. Youre sexually incompatible. You should never feel pressured into physical intamcy, and anyone who cared about how you felt wouldnt do that in the first place.

  35. I just got an AAS that was around $10k. When people talk about these crazy numbers for college I have a tough time knowing how they even managed. Seems like maybe the government should step in due to how predatory in nature some of these colleges seem.

  36. Everything is political: if you end up having ten kids because contraception and abortion is not available where you live!, that's a pretty big influence on the kind of life you can lead. If you online in a state where books are banned at school, you might end up having to home school those kids. If half of them get cancer and die because you can't afford healthcare, that will also affect your quality of life. If you on-line in a European country where healthcare (including sex education contraception and abortion), and education (including special needs and further education) are completely free, you might complain about taxes but you could have the number of kids you want and not have to worry about affording basic necessities and generally on-line happily sledding and watching the aurora borealis in winter and swimming in fjords in the summer.

  37. Spot on. This sounds like a classic personality disorder. Manipulation is all she knows, which is sad but that’s how it is with these types.

  38. Thank you for sharing your experience, I think I’m still going to opt out the relationship idea for now, I think if my moral compass is telling me this is worng I probably should listen.

  39. Do you make more money than he does? Is he insecure about that? I'm not sure this marriage can be saved. I'd try counseling, but I'd also have an exit plan ready. You don't want to wait too long and end up having to pay this guy alimony for life and splitting your retirement with him.

  40. The person that examined her said her injuries are in line with someone who was sexually assaulted. They’re not real friends, she asked her “friend “ what happened last night and all she said was “your boyfriend followed your location to my apartment and you weren’t here what do you think happened “ and they haven’t spoken since

  41. This is the time when talking to a counselor might help you from making some big mistakes. The impulse after a breakup is often to just fill that hole in your heart with whomever is available and willing. This can lead people into even more turmoil than they're already facing. It's normal to remember only the good times and try to replicate that with another person. But the reality is that until you've worked completely through this loss and life disruption you shouldn't be dating. It's just unfair to put yourself out there as available when in fact you're just not. So find someone to talk to – a professional who can guide your grieving – and work on establishing new habits and patterns. Focus on yourself for a while. Only when you stop having these moments of loneliness and vulnerability will you be truly healed and ready to take on the next adventure.

  42. I have a bad fear you don’t plan on telling him

    But I can say it’s something that will sit in the back of your mind and just weigh heavier and heavier if you don’t

  43. Asking stupid hypotheticals and testing people is immature and ridiculous.

    First because you already have an answer in mind and you just set her up. You’re not interested in honesty, it was a test and she failed.

    Next, anyone can answer based on where they are at today but when a situation arises, there’s usually a lot more to it that is being weighed.

    And seriously, being a stepparent is more complicated than being a bio or adoptive parent because you tend to get all the responsibility with no authority and permanently have an adult 3rd party in your life that you didn’t choose who may or may not be high conflict (the other bio parent).

    Also? Every relationship ends until one doesn’t. That is the nature of life. If you got real sick or something, maybe she’d stay, maybe not. It would depend on a lot of factors. Like sick with what? Mental health issues that you refuse to address? That’s a fair reason to walk. Untreatable cancer that is going to kill you in a year? She’d be an ass to leave but….men tend to do that more than women statistically so you’re probably fine.

    It’s like you’re actively looking for a problem where none exists and then decide to create one. What else is going on that’s got you so cold feet and questioning?

  44. He ain't it. If yiu want your first time to be special and with someone that cares about you, I unfortunately don't think that this is the guy to do it with.

  45. She’s 23 not 13. She can travel on her own or you can hire an airport guide like we do for unaccompanied minors or elderly or other nervous travelers and they can get her through the airport. I mean seriously. She’s not flying Ethiopian where you need a cash bribe just get on the plane and people are trying to pick pocket you.

    Send her on her way and do your thing. Or offer to go if she pays for your ticket?

  46. You already stooped way below with that niiiice comment about a stick hanging from someone's ass.

    Internet remembers your personal assholery.

  47. Very valid. I also couldn’t see myself being upset, she’s just an extremely nude to read person and I think that’s what’s got my anxiety up – I’m not sure I’d feel this way if it were one of my other clients. And I’d probably hide it if it weren’t trapped under an extremely heavy sectional pull-out bed (I’d have to ask people to come over and help me.)

    Being up front about it is likely the right option. ?

  48. I can but i also want to explore the places we were going to explore.

    Their behaviour comes in waves so it is somewhat tollerable but i just feel sad sometimes. Thanks for your reaction

  49. Yup, nothing screams “I value my partner as a person” like talking about them like an object you've bought.

  50. i thought about that, but when i look at it im really never thinking about him, it’s more of a “wow she’s nude wish i was that hot” end scene ya know? which is a super confusing thing.

  51. So… He basically did not stop and is still smoking?

    You can't change that. It's something he needs to work through. No one on the outside can help him with this.

  52. Probably she finds the diminutive name more intimate. Eventhough others are using it she only focus on you. Is she jealous outside of this? Is this woman flirty with you?

    Ask her what makes her hurt ? She must have a reason for this.

  53. I completely agree! The thing that was strange to me was that he didn't mention it was a singles cruise. He just said he was going on a group trip and told me the name of the company. I'm wondering how to bring it up since I found out on my own it was singles but think it is worth having a conversation beforehand. Of course I don't expect him to cancel but maybe it is a good time to be open? I just don't know how to bring it up…

  54. I think it’s more of a respect thing. I’m the same in my relationship. And we have 0 drama with other people coming in between our relationship because of this. Of course he has some women friends but I know them, I know the history of the relationships and he won’t hang out with them without me unless I give him the OK and same other way around. We trust each other, we’re just both on the same page I guess.

  55. My advice is to mind your business. Unless it’s a language barrier issue between you and I, your concern is that someone other than yourself is getting gifts. That isn’t something to cause an issue over. You seem to think something might be wrong. Well yes, something could be/go wrong pretty all of the time. This isn’t a reason to interfere with relationships and make whatever accusations you’re hoping to make.

  56. If you read her comments it says the group as a whole has problems with morals etc. Can you read between the lines enough to get a picture now? Or do you want to keep defending cheaters and enablers?

  57. Yes and Yes lol we have talked about this a lot. Without giving tmi lol we have thought about maybe being more aggressive as that is actually something I find attractive. And I have told him that I feel like he doesn’t “want” me and he said he’s gonna change that. Hopefully it works but I have livery little faith.

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