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Anjy Violte, 24 y.o.
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Date: February 14, 2023
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Open your fucking mouth and communicate. That’s it. That’s the headline and the story.
NTA – You just married a dummy who's gonna say dumb shit and you just have to hope not to many of the inferior logic genes made it into your children. Either that or you just didn't communicate clearly enough that you also want your kids to be able to run around at a party and have fun at social events and it has nothing to do with your parents.
Ask him, if he was taking the kids camping and your parents offered to take care of them so he could enjoy the camping trip unhindered, should you be offended that he didn't take their kind offer? Or is it about giving the kids a fun experience and they don't need taking care of during this time?
Could be painful for him.
I get it, it obviously sounds cute and committed and whatnot, but then maybe, since i wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who would have a lingerie shoot, maybe I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who wants a lingerie shoot either?
It makes the idea of modesty that I would seek in a relationship much more superficial, much less as something coming from within, which is just shallow to me, I think.
I might be wrong tho, that's true.
2 years in May
You're kidding, right?
Sounds like you might be an only child and mama is feeling the empty nest, dreading the day her little girl gets her innocence stolen and she fades into the background of your life.
If you don’t like it, either have a real grown up talk about it with her, or Start working towards your independence. Don’t let her gaslight/guilt trip you about it, if thats the type she is. You’re an adult now, you need to be in charge of your own life.
No, there are definitely red flags that scream for a break up.
Do you think its fair to assume that, even if i havent talked to him about it yet? Would it be worth discussing and seeing if he listens first? Idk i jusy don't want to seem harsh
I've tried to help her stick with a nutritious diet too many times. It's sometimes mentally draining to have to babysit her constantly about what she eats.
I hope the best for you man, but I don’t think it’s with someone that vile!
He’s just a stupid idiot, but don’t put it on your bf to fix him.
You just have to tell her. However he prepared for the likely result that she will no longer want to be in a relationship
Thanks sweetness but if he is lying then I think he'd be able to lie while looking me in the eyes
It's incredibly hot to make money in game dev. Where did you guys even get the money to hire a bunch of employees?
Yeah I don't either, but she prematurely is hiding most of it. Hiding is okay and not wanting to talk about it, but lying about it… there have been lies not only regarding her past but present as well.
About exes in her life I'm honestly not sure as I have seen some emails and her looking at his indta profile for some time….
Go to the wedding and don't come back. He sounds manipulative.
I also think you should talk to her about it. I think she is too attached to appearances. It's not an uncommon condition in young people, and perhaps even more so today than twenty or fifty years ago, due to technology.
However, it is something she should work on, as being too attached to appearances will cause her to miss out on actual life. Example: not having your one year anniversary with your boyfriend because he got into an accident.
This could be a part of her that she could improve. And maybe she will learn and grow 🙂 Good luck to her, and to you.
I mean I get it that it’s embarrassing that you have a black eye, of course it is! I have served many couples where the guy has a shiner or had just had surgery. I even remember a girl who asked if we could put food in a blender for her brother caz his mouth was wired shut!!!
But that’s the thing, all those people DID accompany those ppl and didn’t care and laughed off the injury.
Most people explain to the waitress what happened right away or make a joke saying “you should see the other guy!”
I would be a bit concerned why she wouldn’t want to hang out in public while you’re injured. I’m currently handicapped and overweight from meds and my husband begs me to go be in public with him all the time!
It would be more normal if it were you saying let’s postpone it caz you would feel insecure. Her feeling too insecure isn’t supporting you bud!
Yikes. I’ve been out with my husband’s face hurt before (he’s a boxer) it’s really not a big deal. We would joke that I was his boxing partner (I’m nearly 75 pounds lighter than him)
Your girlfriend is shallow.
This guy doesn’t sound at all like a golden retriever to me.
He's 28 and this is his first girlfriend. That is also strange.
Judt remember to respect his boundaries too when your having this conversation. I hear alot of people saying tell him what you want, which is fair and you should do but men can have boundaries too and you should respect each other's.
He may not feel comfortable lying hot after sex, he may jusy not have thought about it.
I'm going to jump on to add something fun I've seen.
Stay-at-home girlfriends turn into stay-at-home moms, who turn into ex-girlfriends with a kid or two, and no job, no work history, and no prospects. It gets worse – there may be child support available, but when it comes to splitting up money and property, in most states there is nothing for you. There is no claim on the 401k he built while you were raising his kids, no right to support while you go back to school, no equity in the house you kept up.
Marriage as an institution is problematic in many ways. But breakups happen with or without the piece of paper, and it's easier to stay out if a shit situation either way if
I too haven't dated, but I don't see how this is a red flag? He sounds really sweet like he was trying to keep you warm. You can feel whatever you feel, but I think you're reading into something that isn't there. Had he let you freeze, you'd be saying he wasn't caring.
You should move on and find someone you will be happy with and more compatible.
this your first long term relationship?
Wow. Wow woowwww. This is a wildly immature and self involved take. They owe you nothing. Their life is not yours and you have no say in what consenting adults do. Your tantrum over this is bizarre, childish, controlling, and insanely self centered.
He just sent me this message
“My house would’ve never have been condemned and I would’ve never have been jobless if you had just stayed out of my life. “Lying” over little things is fine. Your standards are too high, and for what?? What do you have to offer? You’re the biggest dead weight I’ve met, you keep getting heavier and heavier yet keep asking for more. You have nothing to offer me. I’ve been unable to recognize you for a while. You know what you did. I couldn’t take any more of your complaining. I was begging you to stop. You said you wouldn’t care if I stabbed my ears out. You wanted to push me over the edge and that’s what you did. I don’t need you to be accountable for anything as I know accountability is something you will never have.
You don’t know what you fucking need and it’s ruing other peoples lives. Shows how shitty of a person you are. You don’t even care how others feel. It’s always all been about you. You’re the epitome of selfish, despair, deceit and arrogance. I don’t even wish you well I just wish you to be gone. “
Last year he wasn’t going to work even though I told him too and lost his job. Before that he didn’t pay his utilities and his house was condemned. No heat or water last winter. He stayed at my apartment for a bit. I almost got an eviction because he had his dog stay with me.
When he asked me to stop. I said I didn’t care if he went deaf. I wasn’t yelling or raising my voice in the slightest. So yeah it might be annoying but not something to throw things and break stuff. Having high standards I think asking not to be lied too is not high standards. I don’t care how he feels. Yet he slept in the garage it was 10 degrees out. I put a blanket outside and an electric heater.
How the hell am I being blamed for this
It’s not that deep we just get told not to put soap anywhere near our vulva/vagina. You damn well knew what I meant but wanted to be sassy.
Have a lovely day.
You believe the trust that business entities have in professionals revolves around not speaking about confidential information, when in reality, they have trust in professionals to keep their information safe.
They need their information safe from competitors so they don’t lose a market advantage. They need their information safe from investors so there won’t be any market manipulation or trading on confidential information.
As a professional, it is in my discretion to divulge confidential information to anyone I see fit. I am held liable for who I share information with. If that info is misused, I have systems and contracts in place to hedge my exposure to criminal/civil liability.
If you think my dad needs a contract with my mom to make sure she doesn’t misuse that info, you are sorely mistaken.
I’d stop going out with him when the activity centers around food. Plan some other kind of date for your time together.
Right!!! My spouse works with databases, and I work in privacy. We both understand we can't share information. We respect each other though and my spouse would NEVER insult me like OPs spouse does. I also wouldn't do that to him either.
Yeah I'm on your roommates side here- you created a chaotic and stressful situation, so they banned you from bringing men they don't know into their home for YOUR safety and theirs. They don't to have to stop you from being raped or assaulted and don't want to risk their own safety. The reason they didn't ban your other roommate is b/c they have no reason to, since they didn't create an unsafe enviornment.
She's self absorbed and immature. Can she change? I suppose. But she has to #1 see her behavior as being an issue and #2 want to change. And since she treats everyone in her life this way and from your last post up until very recently her parents paid her rent yet per her do nothing for her I wouldn't hold my breath.
Mam, they wanna bang you and they think you are theirs. Please leave that environment
WHY CAN'T YOU BARF ON THE KITCHEN FLOOR LIKE A NORMAL CAT? YOU DON'T LOVE ME ANYMORE!
cmon guys, its only “sort of” her fault and its “unfair”. lol
She isn't responsible for his temperament (interesting choice of words from you when you go on to call me a moron). But she is responsible for the fallout from her decisions, particularly when she blames her roommates for the situation that they certainly didn't create.
Her roommates don't trust her judgement now, which I think is fair given how she takes no responsibility, and even blames them for barging in. If she had said -wow roomies, I'm sorry about that, he was sweet and then this was crazy, thanks for stepping in- I'd feel very differently about the situation.
Depends greatly on the woman and the man. I'm sorry it happened to you, but I don't agree with the broad generalization.
Hey, I guess this will get buried at this stage – but here's my view.
This is one of those situations where everyone is upset and pretty reasonably so. I don't think any of you are obviously “in the wrong”.
I don't think that your housemates can really be blamed for feeling uncomfortable about a situation where they feel like they had to eject someone aggressive from their home. I can see how they want to protect themselves and presumably you from any further bad judgement.
That said, I also think that a lot of the comments here are passing a bit too much judgement on someone who has basically just hooked up with a bit of a dodgy bloke while in her early 20s. I mean ultimately this is a case of a bunch of people getting drunk and edgy, which is a very early 20s kind of thing to do.
It is your house too and it is not the position of your flatmates to police your love life – there's a fine line between protective and controlling and this sits in that grey area for me.
So both sides have a point. What do?
I think there are three reasonable outcomes here:
The simplest is move out. People fall out with housemates all the time. You are a bit messy by the sounds of things (absolutely your right to be so if you're happy with it), and they aren't comfortable with that. Just try to do so without burning bridges – it's going to get way harder to make friends over the coming years.
Wait for it to blow over. It's probably a bit raw at the moment – most guys do not like fighty situations, especially in their home. Once things settle down you should be fine. If it doesn't move out.
You might want to have a follow-up chat with your flatmates to figure out how to speed up the “blowing over” process. You should accept that they are right about “it's different” – while it can be hot to come to terms to, drunk guys are much more physically dangerous on average than a drunken woman. This might require you to make some compromises, such as watching how much you drink. Whether you accept those is your choice. If you don't then move out.
No absolutely not
My parents are pretty straightforward. The kind that if you say 'it hurts if I do this with my arm' then they'll say “well stop doing it then” but not as a joke. They said similar with washing after I made a similar mistake. I was basically told, if your body rejects it and is making you aware of that (like, burning sensations, pain etc) then you should listen to your body and not do that thing. Sooo, I followed that advice. Any part of washing that stung or felt yucky, I didn't do. Til I became very VERY smelly and they had to check in again with me. They forgot that due to my autism, I have a LOT of very mixed up sensory signals and strong aversions.
Basically all parts of showering tick off one of more sensory related triggers for me (such as, the water itself. The noise a shower makes is sooo loud, I hate when sometimes if the water pressure changed etc it'll change volume and suddenly have big loud splashes or similar. That's not even going into how the water makes my skin feel). So, every part of washing feels awful to me, ranging from 'eh this feels not great' all the way to 'if I can't get rid of the feel of this shower gel on my skin, then I will lose it and do anything to get this sensation 100% gone'. They taught me other ways of knowing where is or isn't okay to wash (in terms of privates) that didn't rely on the silly rule of 'if your body is okay with it then it's fine'
So?
I think that you may be overthinking this and should see the other valid points. It was better that he was honest with you about his feelings and wanting to build on them instead of lying to you. He knew he had feelings, and he was in a difficult position and wanted to build that relationship with a solid foundation. You were there for him and sacrificed some of your boundaries, but in the long term, you both were loyal to each other and learned more about each other as things progressed. I think you're dwelling too much on the situation, considering the outcome. If he would've used you and cost you to the side, then at that point, I think your would have had more credence.
Then you get a stool for the kitchen. You use disability aids, like the rest of the disabled community.
Depends on what country you live! in now. Most countries he is 100% right YES it goes in the toilet but there are a few places left in the world the plumbing is too poor and can't take it.
If you visit anyones home in the US or europe and leave a shit covered paper in their bathroom bin they will NOT be happy. Only sanitary wear for the bin.
So if you online in the US or europe yes people will think its disgusting to not flush away your used toilet paper.
The baby is half his, it exists whether he wants it or not, therefore that child deserves child support from its parents. He could’ve worn a condom and if he’s that adamant about not having kids, a vasectomy.
He suddenly changes his attitude ? tells you that you make him miserable? He hides his screen from you ? He suddenly has a new female coworker who is now more than just a colleague ? Because he follows her on insta and messages on snap ? doesn’t use his works normal method of communication with her ?
FYI a lot of people who cheat use Snapchat. Why? Because things disappear.
You did nothing wrong here. She's the one who fucked up.
She said that it’s strike 1 out of 2
Boy oh boy, sure sounds like a healthy way to go about a relationship.
Will it be brought up at a later date or will it be awkward between us?
Likely yes, for the remainder of your relationship.
Well, he’s treating me like that,
It’s casual. I don’t need to keep saying that I hope or want to see him
Update on what happens my friend what ever happens pay attention to her actions that will tell you everything
Him calling me, he said that he was not doing good, and he himself said that he went from a bad situation to a worse one, I couldn’t help him move because I felt that I would be putting him in a worse one for having him live! with me, her being recently divorced, like months to weeks before they started dating, her having two kids involved with him.
Ah, you're a groomer. Why the fuck were you after a 17 year old when you were 23?
My advice: end this relationship and get therapy.
I don't really pay attention to who walks into the bathroom I wall in, go to a stall, do what you do in a bathroom wash my hads and go about my dau not thinking about a made up scenario
If he had just done it at a party or something it's reasonable to say “just don't make a habit of it.” Relapse is a normal part of addiction.
I don't think she did anything wrong.
The world isn't black and white and it doesn't need to be.
that’s pretty boring
No dogs in bed is a completely reasonable request.
No dogs in the guest bed does actually have some merit- breaking the dogs out of their habit of being used to a bed would be difficult if they're allowed on another bed.
Getting dog hair on that bed or in that room could also be inconvenient/make laundry harder or more frequent.
Honestly. Just seems like you too aren't compatible.
He asked you at first- and you immediately gave in, instead of realizing this would become an issue long term. You maybe expected him to loosen up, he probably thought you'd just get used to not being as reliant on your dogs.
I can honestly see where you're both coming from.
But again, just seems likey you two aren't compatible.
Write him a letter telling him how much you care and have been appreciating his company. And that you’re proud of him. Even just put it in a text message. I know these words can be hot to say aloud if you’re not used to it, but make sure you communicate it.
He sounds more like a great friend than a great partner or a great marriage. If your love languages are incompatible, there's not much you can do about it, and it is clear it does not bother him at all. For the sake of your sanity, just because everything else is good does not mean that your marriage is good. I felt this way with my partner of 6 years. He just could not be bothered even though my love language was also affectionate. There's a lot better things to life than staying in a relationship like that. Don't get me wrong, me and my ex are friends now. Good friends. Because that's all we ever really were because he never wanted to love me the way I needed to be loved.
If no amount of counseling works, no compromises (unless it's apparently in his favor), and he just doesn't care, there is nothing for you here except the fact he is using your love as a weapon to keep you. You guys are in two different places in life and I don't think you will ever be on the same page. Why hurt yourself and waste your years because you love him. You will love a lot of people. But you deserve to love and be loved the way you need to be loved.
No matter how happy they seem people like them will never find peace. Cut them out and move on with your life.
No, never. Never been to a country/area of a country on holiday that doesn't put them down the toilet. Never had a single friend, relative or stranger mention it.
This is the first time I've ever even read about it. And I've done a fair bit of travelling in the US and across Western Europe. But not to Eastern Europe or Asian countries, where a lot of comments are saying it's more normal because of old plumbing systems that can't handle it. But they have bidets, and I've never even seen a real bidet. I didn't expect to until I visited Japan tbh.
18 lmao no.
She was either 19 or 20 when she gave birth. Still creepy that the dad was around 39/40, though.
The having conversations with himself part makes me feel like he’s insane
Cut them off, I would absolutely beat the fuck out of my brother for laughing at me like that. As much as i hate to say it you have good restraint, but these people dont deserve you.
I apologize if that's what it sounds like, english is not my first language and I don't know a better way to say that. Every time he said it was over I just left and did not bother him, but did reply to when he texted me an hour or day after asking to talk, and after that talk he did want to try again so I assume it was because of me. But that's right, I do need therapy to deal with all this and am seeking it.
Seems like writing is on the wall, something like this was always bound to happen with how your family dynamics work. Don't throw good money after bad, don't try to salvage a toxic relationship. It's a shame you didn't beat the shit out of your brother though.
That's pretty stupid tbh
Yes, we are in the same friend circle.
Hire a PI. He is spending marital property and your funds on another woman. Get your money back. See a lawyer for a consult. Get all financial, credit reports, and phone records.
what
I know this I would never want to hurt him :/
Whenever you want. I don't think that's something you need to disclose right away. Maybe after he's proposed but before the wedding? I would be more concerned with starting up a relationship with a coworker.
Well, I certainly would have my guard up. You’re gonna have to do it day by day and see how he is. But you’re not wrong and what you said. But we don’t stay that way forever. I used to do that too when I was young and by the time I was 33 I completely garrotte of it. And it has been a long time since I live! like that so take it one day at a time and say just be clear with what your boundaries are if it’s Fidelity night not sleeping with somebody else make sure you’re really clear with that.
I wouldn’t have kids with a bigot. Whether you decide to or not is your choice, OP.
Definitely feel that there’s more to the story. The 3 hours is either dishonest and being downplayed, or she’s feeling neglected for other reasons that aren’t related. Talk to her and not us, and then determine from there if it’s going to continue working for you or not
Alice hasn't seen rude or demanding in her life if that's what she thinks about your polite and well written message to Bob. Why is she bothered with the tone of the message anyway but has no problem with what Bob did and is happy to keep him in her circle? You need new friends, OP.
So tell us what you said.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
TLDR; I asked my fiancee if he would still be with his ex if she never cheated and he said yes. When I told him thatbl hurt my feelings he got extremely angry and won't talk to me now. I'm so confused!
My fiancee and I have been together for 3 years and we're getting married in April. Our relationship is amazing and he's the man of my dreams. I'm really excited to marry him.
The only thing that really bothers me is that he will still bring up his ex in conversation quite a bit. Not all the time, but maybe every couple days. I try to be supportive and let him vent, since I know she really hurt him by cheating. But most of the time I try to change the topic after a few minutes because I don't like hearing about him with other women.
He brought her up again today and I was pretty annoyed because we were having a really nice conversation before that. I then, stupidly, asked if he thought he would still be with her if she had never cheated and he said yes. That stung a lot and I kind of got quiet after that. After a few minutes I told him it made me sad and I felt like he would rather be with her instead of me.
Well he got intensely angry with me, saying I “tricked” him into saying that. I was very confused since that was not my intention and I wasn't even angry at his response! I just wanted him to know it made me sad. He then hung up on me and won't return my texts.
I'm just very confused and hurt now, and I have no idea why that made him so angry? He only got mad after I told him how I felt. Any insight would be very appreciated!
You look beautiful and he should be proud to be with you. Dump his ass and I bet the next guy will see how amazing you are!
I think you're not hearing the poster here. I think you're not hearing your wife.
This would be illegal for OP to do.
Holy shit, that was two incredibly intentionally cruel things to say in a row… It wasn’t even necessary, you just inserted yourself into another conversation to put your husband down.
I’d be surprised if he wasn’t re-evaluating the relationship
This is her insecurity to fix. That being said I was (and still do sometimes) feel like your wife does. What helped me feel better was when my husband said, in reference to laundry, “is this a household task you need help with?” I said yea and he said ok and there are things that you do that I need help with. Your wife sees how you help her and doesn’t feel like she does enough for you. She keeps track of all the ways you help her and she needs you to point out the ways she contributes to your life together.
Is it the same though? How much can men show on ig?
But I don’t have this doubts lol she does
I honestly don't think she's in doubt. I think she knows she's bi and wants to experience it. She's just framing it in a way to make it sound less selfish.
Gotta keep mom at arms length now. Don’t involve her with anything regarding your relationships. Like your mom having your girlfriends number is too much. Downgrade her to a call or two every month and a visit on holidays. You still love her but you don’t need this drama in your life. It’s for the best.
Honestly I think she did partially ruin his life. Yeah, he’ll find another partner. But OP had an extremely close relationship with his mother, his only caregiver, and now it’s been thrown in his face that she’s actually a master manipulator willing to cause him distress for what she wants. Learning that your mother doesn’t have your best interests at heart and would go as far as fabricating false evidence to support her manipulations is an absolutely life shattering thing. Now OP has to do the work to try and trust people again, to try and form close relationships with people again, etc. etc. and it’s so absolutely fucked that it’s because of his mother.
An ultimatum harsh but works also kinda toxic
7 times in one day wtf
Then why did you cheat get pregnant and continue to cheat, did you expect to get a gold star and your kids all on one?
It's much easier when I don't know the person I'm telling those things to but you're 100% right!