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Date: September 27, 2022

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  1. Without being able to observe the interactions first hand, there's a good chance this is a him issue. If that's true case, I'd explain it by saying he's insecure and projecting mockery into your statements because he's sensitized to it.

    I grew up in a house with passive aggressive shaming as the main battlegun of conflict resolution. Imagine my shock when my wife started to use it on me! (Spoiler, she didn't, I was just using the dance steps I knew)

    He's probably reenacting the shitty dynamics he grew up in.

    We all do it to some extent, echoes of behaviour from past generations

    The key is to slow down, look for triggers, and encourage calm as you spend time defusing the triggers.

    For example, when I felt “shamed”, I needed to first name what that emotion was.

    Ok, I've named it shame.

    Next, what does it feel like in my body. I could feel adrenaline, a rush in my stomach and heart, an instinct to turn my gaze to my feet, and a naked reaction to defend myself.

    Once I understood the physical feeling of the emotion, I shortened how long it took me to change my reaction. Over a month or two, I'd trained myself to never act that way again. After years of being with my partner, I'd changed that behavior in a couple months.

    Couples therapy is probably the easiest way to work through this situation though. Sooner is better than later! It may not be too big of a deal yet, but that just means there's less damage to heal and repair!

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